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Sunday, August 12, 2012

Shai - The Amazing Gift Hoarder

I keep things.
Things that meant a lot. Things that people gave me. Things that I can't let go. Things I did. But some things are better left forgotten. Kept somewhere unseen. Thrown away.

Not some of these things, though...


Tulip ungu tu dibagi oleh Nad sebagai hadiah birthday masa aku form two. It came with a birthday card. Sayangnya aku tak jumpa mana kad tu. In 2010, she gave me the rose bottle. I am still contemplating tentang apa yang aku nak isi dalam tu. Memula kekonon nak isik semua impian dalam tu, tapi sejak berusia 29 tahun, bila ada impian aku terus buat je. Hmmm... mungkin aku patut masukkan impian nak beli banglo kat Cihampelas dalam tu. Atau impian kahwin dengan Dude Harlino.... (kenapa impian aku semuanya ada kat Indonesia? Banyak sangat kerja translate sinetron la nih)


Ika, roommate dan junior aku kat UIA bagi message in a bottle tu kat aku sebagai hadiah perpisahan masa final year kat UIA in 2006. In 2004, Iza bagi aku scented candle tu. Asalnya scented candle tu warna biru dengan seashells kat dalamnya. Sekarang dah bertukar warna. Aku tak nak guna. Sayang weyh, member bagi (bodeklah kawan anda yang bekerja sebagai lecturer untuk kebaikan masa hadapan. haha)


I have always wanted a dartboard. So habis sekolah je, ini benda pertama yang aku beli dengan duit yang mak cik aku bagi sebagai hadiah SPM. The butterfly was Mun's gift untuk convocation. It's a symbollic thing - meaning to fly, now that I have finished my studies... for me, lah. Mungkin Mun just beli sebab benda tu cantik, mana aku tau apa dia punya pemahaman. Ahahaha.


Can't play an instrument. But I sure can play kompang yo.
  

KUNGFU HUSTLE soundtrack yang ada tandatangan Stephen Chow in 2004. Yes, yang bulat2 macam contengan hapentah tu adelah tandatangan Sing Jai sendiri. This is the closest I can get to him. Closer than that, I will become a Stephen Chow stalker. Haha.


Mug tu adalah hadiah harijadi daripada bapak sedara aku masa aku darjah enam. Aku suka mug tu sebab it's not perfect. It was made to be senget benget dan banyak imperfection. The blue SHY thing adalah hadiah perpisahan yang si Mun buat untuk aku, Tim dan Nad lepas habis tingkatan lima. It wud have been more meaningful if aku dah tak jumpa Mun selama sepuluh tahun. Masalahnya setiap bulan jumpa. Tak Sisterhood of Travelling Pants langsung. Hahaha.


Punca aku simpan tag MEDIA untuk event Michael Jackson and event Kim Ha-neul and Kang Ji-hwan ini adalah kerana inilah event terakhir/work trip luar Malaysia yang aku pergi sebagai media. After the Singapore trip, PTPTN bertindak kejam terhadap aku. Terpaksalah aku bekerja dalam Malaysia je.


Ini hadiah birthday yang makdik bagi masa darjah tiga rasanya. Dalam tu ada tiga batang pensel, pembaris dan pemadam. Sampai sekarang masih retain bentuk asalnya. Sayang nak guna sebab cantik sangat.


Ini kotak barang kemas yang makcik bagi. Rasanya makcik bagi masa form four. Dulu aku simpan barang kemas dalam tu. Tapi lepas tu semuanya tangle sesama sendiri, so akhirnya aku isik beads and buttons je dalam tu. Sampai sekarang, every few days aku akan lap supaya berkilat. 


The first one adalah lakaran design t-shirt yang aku buat untuk adik sepupu aku tapi lepas tu aku lupa bagi dia dan dia lupa nak tanya dan akhirnya terus dilupakan. Aku menggunakan muka Jay Chou sebagai sampel. Sebelah tu ialah zaman aku nak try lukis potret so aku lukis muka Chaq. Then I found out that I hate making portraits sebab it takes a long time and a lot of people can do it. So aku tinggalkan terus. As they say, "Never invest in something that won't give you a lot of profit." Ahahaha.


Ini fail masa aku second year kat UIA. Zaman obses Jay Chou sampai fail pun ada muka dia. Bila piker sekarang, rasa macam sangat nonsense je masa tu, luar gamba Jay Chou, dalam nota Usul Fiqh. 


Tiap-tiap tahun mesti buat kerja ni. Add subject, pergi first class, didn't like it, drop the subject. Aku rasa El-Fatih dah naik muak sign drop form aku tetiap semester. Budak ni tak ada keputusan hidup betul.


Masa aku form three back in 1998, I heard of a bombing in Kenya and Tanzania. It was the first time the name Osama bin Laden was mentioned in a big way... globally. Put aside the question of holy war and whatnot. What interest me is the story of a son of a wealthy family who left everything for a life in the run. In 1999, I started compiling news about the guy. This was before 9/11. Sangat susah nak jumpa news about Bin Laden before 9/11. After 9/11, I stopped compiling sebab berita pasal dia bersepah and compiling each and every one of em will only turn my file into an encyclopaedia.  


It was my poetry diary. Tempat aku tulis puisi. It was my "thing" masa study kat UIA. 


The many many Jay Chou album since the first one. Actually aku start dengan his third album, "Eighth Generation" (because I was in love with "Hui Dao Guo Qu"), and then beli yang second and first. Album first sangat susah nak jumpa unless ko masuk kedai muzik yang memang khas untuk album artis cina sahaja. Pada zaman tu, kalau ko masuk kedai beli album Jay Chou, orang kedai pandang kau sambil tanya, "You sure?" especially when you don't actually speak the language, bertudung dan ada kad matric UIA dalam wallet. It became a source of amusement to them bila ko miming lagu "An Hao" depan diorang, as if you're a performing monkey. Hahaha. 
And Taiwanese singers always keluarkan stuff. Memula keluar album. Then keluar the music video VCDs or DVD. Then concert album. OST for movies. Oyh. The last album aku beli before I stop was his seventh, "Still Fantasy". Masa tu dia dah start berlakon and his songs were not as good as the ones when he was just the lanky dude from Linkou who loves his mum, Jet Li's movies and composing songs. So I stopped.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

That post Mia asked of me...



Sebenarnya dah beberapa kali dah aku buat percubaan untuk tulis mende nih seperti yang diminta oleh Cik Mia (Kaftiya). Entah kenapa setiap kali aku tulis aku decided bahawasanya esei tentang diri sendiri ini sangat suck kerana sangat self-oriented (macam la selama ni tulisan aku tak self-oriented kan... kata hatinya macam selfless ah. Ahaha).

Tapi sebab aku baik dan mencarik alasan untuk tangguh dulu tulis novel, maka dengan ini aku pun buatlah. Apa dia soalan tadi?

MACAM MANA AKU JADI PENULIS
(opening montage: lagu "Coming Undone" oleh kumpulan KORN, konon2nya macam aku ni wanita ganas ah, dengar lagu nu metal...)

Aku start menulis sejak aku boleh menulis. Which is darjah satu. Kenapa darjah satu? Sebab aku tak tadika, therefore hanya mula pandai membaca ketika darjah satu. Darjah dua aku dah start buat series of dialogues antara watak bernama Imran dengan Laila. Masa darjah empat aku buat cerita pertama aku yang bertajuk FIONA, based on that 4U2C song. Jangan tanya apa ceritanya. Aku tak hengat. Kalau aku jumpa skrip tu, aku bakar je. Hahahahaha. Laaameee-oo!

Aku rasa memang dari kecik aku nak jadi penulis. Mak aku suka bercerita dan biasanya dia suka merosakkan legenda melayu sesuka hati dia. Contohnya, masa aku masih budak2 lagi, mak aku ajar bahawasanya mak si Pekan dan Melor tu sangat pentingkan diri semata2 tak dapat makan telur tembakul. Mak aku juga kata, mak si Tanggang sangat tak pandai sebab sumpah anak dia jadi batu sedangkan dia miskin. Sepatutnya dia sumpah Tanggang jadi emas..................
Selain itu bapak aku juga seorang yang suka membaca. Jika anda add saya di FB, you will see that I have one album that shows the book collection kat rumah aku. Bapak aku seorang avid reader dan dia lebih suka belikan kitorang buku daripada mainan.

Oh ya, mak saudara aku juga seorang penulis bernama Siti Rosnah Hj Ahmad. Tapi kami jarang berjumpa. I think like, once every full moon or dalam bahasa melayunya, sepuluh tahun sekali baru jumpa. So mungkin kami kongsi bakat yang sama tapi mak teh aku tak mempengaruhi aku dalam bidang ni.

Kat sekolah menengah pun, macam biasalah. Asrama tu undang2nya pelik. Kadang2 boleh baca novel, tapi tahun depan kata tak boleh pulak. So akhirnya aku pun buatlah novel sendiri dan bagi member2 baca dan suruh diorang komen kat bahagian belakang tu. The first one I did was in form three. Kisah tentang seorang minah kaya yang lari dari rumahnya dan berpura2 menjadi lelaki dan tinggal dengan seorang mamat yang duduk rumah setinggan kat KL... aku tak akan ubah jadi novel sebab a) tak logik untuk orang perempuan menyamar jadi lelaki tapi lelaki lain tak perasan. b) tak ada moral value. Duduk serumah tanpa ikatan... like I would educate people to do that! It was called "Helmi Helena". Oh, tajuk itu sungguh 1990s, kan? Wakakaka.

Aku terus menulis macam tu. Tulis dalam buku, bagi orang baca, suruh orang komen.

Masa sekolah rendah, aku tak berani nak cakap aku nak jadi penulis sebab sume orang pun kata nak jadi arkitek atau doktor. Aku ikut jela orang lain (budak2 memang macam ni). Tapi kat sekolah menengah, aku dah tetapkan. Cita-cita aku cuma ada dua. Sama ada jadi penulis atau penganalisa politik. That explains the Political Science in UIA.

Habis sekolah, aku start menulis cerpen untuk majalah. Dulu ada satu majalah namanya SITI. Tak lama pun in circulation. Tapi aku pernah hantar cerpen kat diorang and diorang keluarkan. Tajuknya ialah "Warkah Untuk Ustaz" (still, lame title), which aku persembahkan dalam bentuk surat - it was like three to four letters written by a girl yang dulunya troublesome dan telah dibetulkan oleh seorang ustaz muda and bila dia masuk universiti, dia terus tulis surat untuk ustaz tu utk cerita masalah dan ustaz tu balas. But the last letter she wrote, she told him that she is in love with him. Ustaz tu tak reply so dia tulis surat lagi sekali mintak penjelasan. Which in the end, the ustaz' wife send her a letter saying that ustaz dah tiga bulan meninggal and all this while bini dia yang balas surat tu sebab he was worried about the girl.

Oh sangat cheesy, kan? But it was my first published piece and I am very proud of it. Tapi sayangnya majalah tu hilang dan aku tak ada copy. Tapi aku ingat it was keluaran Ogos 2001.

Right after that aku tulis cerpen untuk majalah MUSLIMAH, bertajuk "Monolog Rambut Kerinting Aku" about a guy yang tak sabar tunggu saatnya untuk jumpa minah yang dia minat kat sekolah dulu lepas lima tahun terpisah. Then I sent satu manuskrip novel ke RHYTHM PUBLISHER. Diorang hantar surat kata akan publish but akhirnya takde kabar berita. And then aku hantar ke Alaf21, but this time aku hantar separa manuskrip je. Kisah tentang seorang perempuan yang perlu mulakan semula semuanya lepas dia mengkhianati kawan baiknya, only to meet a devil-may-care guy yang lebih interested untuk buli dia. He thinks she's mysterious, with her secrets and her loneliness. She thinks he's mysterious, with his bad attitude and nonsensical mood. Alaf tak bagi respon apa2, so aku lupakan terus impian tu.

A year later, seorang lelaki telefon aku dan perkenalkan dirinya sebagai Mohd Ali. Aku ingat sangat perbualan tu.
"Awak pernah hantar manuskrip ke Alaf kan?"
"Haaaa.........."
"Tak ingat eh?"
"Hahaha. Ha'ah. Saya banyak sangat hantar manuskrip tapi tak ada jawapan."
"Masa hantar dulu tu Alaf reject kan?"
"Tak tau. Tak dapat respon apa pon."
"Tak ada? Ha, ni saya beritahu ni. Diorang reject cerita awak. Tapi saya ni editor Alaf. Saya baru pindah ke penerbitan baru. Namanya Buku Prima. Jadi saya bawak sekali manuskrip awak. Awak ada cerita, tapi saya nak awak kembangkan lagi boleh? Sikit sangat ni."
(Aku tak beritahu dia manuskrip tu cuma setengah je.)
"Ha, okeh."

Setahun lepas tu baru aku hantar sebab aku sangat gila-gila busy. You would think someone who wanted to be a novelist all her life, she would jump on the chance to do it, kan? Tak. Boleh plak tunggu setahun baru nak hantar. Aku rasa sejak itulah Encik Ali dah paham bahawasanya aku bakal menjadi seorang novelis yang tak pernah ikut deadline. It was published in 2007 and entitled "Soalnya Hati". But being the first novel, memang banyak hack and slashes. Sebenarnya chapter second last sebelum bahagian TAC tu aku cuma tulis sampai bahagian Pyan menoleh ke belakang lepas Zulaikha baca nota tu,.. and then straight to the epilogue about the TAC. Tapi editor aku, Sue tambah the whole dialogue about "Perempuan mesti cair" tu.

Habis je belajar, I had two ways to go. I could be a writer or I could find jobs related to my degree. Tapi aku rasa memang rezeki aku kat sini. Bapak aku tak benarkan aku kerja kat UNHCR walaupun aku dapat tawaran untuk kerja sana. Aku tak dapat kerja kat kedutaan Thailand sebab takde lesen memandu, dan PTD.... ah, toksah citer pasal PTD. The worst you could do is stuck kat interview after exam and PAC. Akulah tu. Do I want to go do it all over again? NO way. I am not gonna spend my time writing and then lari 2.5 km dalam masa lima minit (ke seploh minit? aku tak hengat) dan travel sampai ke Kluang la bagai and ace all those critical thinking and problem solving exercise just untuk stuck kat interview just because I suck at talking face to face with three old men.

But aku dapat kerja kat TIMES (the book store). Aku dapat kerja management kat POPULAR (the book store) dan aku dapat kerja dengan Cinema Online, the latter I accept. It was admin work, until Marcel and Zee kick me to editorial (at first, you will think "I was promoted to editorial...." until you actually do work in editorial.... then you kinda wish you're back in admin). But it opens doors to a whole lot more. It sharpens my pace, my vocab, my patience that after a year, aku resign and dengan mudah dapat kerja freelance. Which means, I have more time for writing.

Tapi kalau tanya kenapa aku nak jadi penulis, jawapannya mudah. The first time aku betul-betul serius nak menulis ialah bila aku mula bosan. Aku perempuan biasa. Aku tak pandai sangat tapi aku tak bodoh. Aku bukan gadis kampung yang tabah mahupun wanita kaya yang independent. Tapi tak ada  watak novel yang aku boleh relate to. Or at least, tak ada yang aku jumpa. I though that I want to write. I want to write about me and people like me. Sebab sepanjang aku hidup, orang macam aku la yang paling banyak aku jumpa.

Aku tak pernah rasa aku artsy atau ada the best grammar. Nope. I have a lot of vocab but I'm not really good dalam membezakan dari dengan daripada, adalah dan ialah, menghadiahkan dan menghadiahi. Apa yang aku boleh buat ialah make up stories - watching people and making up background stories about them. Apa yang aku pandai buat ialah make fun of misery and make fun of myself. And enjoy horror stories. If I was a better speaker, I would have become a stand-up comedienne rather than a writer. I mean, aku lebih enjoy baca autobiografi Tina Fey rather than Patricia Cornwall's. And I will always pick Stephen King rather than Sophie Kinsella.

Apa yang buat aku nak jadi penulis ialah knowing that all these deep dark thoughts of mine can be read and enjoyed by people. Aku paling suka bila orang tulis email kat aku and kata "Bila akak cakap pasal spesis student kat universiti tu, saya rasa macam akak baca fikiran saya!" I like the fact that I say things that other people think but keep to themselves.  I like the fact that I touched their hearts, and telling them "Hei, bukan awak je yang buat. Semua orang yang putus cinta akan stalk FB ex diorang. Semua yang angau bercinta akan fikir dia je yang betul. Bukan awak je yang ada kawan annoying yang suka berlagak konon2 dia tak study apa2 tapi dapat markah tinggi, sebab orang macam tu memang ada kat mana-mana dan mereka akan terus jadi annoying in so many ways. Bukan awak je yang tahu pedihnya kematian. We're all in this together."

So.... Mia? Puas hati? Hahahaha.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Things I like. Part 1.

Memes, motivational posters, words of wisdom, pretentious words of wisdom.

It seems that FB sekarang dipenuhi dengan semua tu. Some are inspirational, while others are just plain ridiculous. However, I have this "hobby", you might call it, where I save the ones that I love or I like. And Imma share it with you. Why? Because I have to keep this blog active or nuffnang ain't givin me any ads.


To some of you, it is just a simple message that "Looks deceives". For me, it's like a life motto. One day when I own a house, this will be hanged in my library in a beautiful silver frame.


Because if you wanna work freelance, this is the correct formula. I vouch for it.


I think the person who made this is the coolest person on earth. Rather than a long explanation of things inside a book, the picture conclude altogether the things you have to do in Hajj. And for someone who has never been there, like yours truly, this picture tells it all.


I made this as my wallpaper just so I can remember it. I mean, Copy paste mende nih dan jadikan wallpaper laptop... 


Kali pertama aku baca, aku gelak. Sebab aku jumpa mende ni kat 9Gag pada waktu aku betul-betul decide to let bygones be bygones and let all the shitheads in my life just go on living their life. If they want to disturb mine, let them. Disturbin mine, means theirs sucks. And I dun give a. Although mentioning it now seems a bit spiteful, ainnit? ahaha


True yo.


To others, this is King dissing TWILIGHT. To me, it is King telling people the difference between starting a trend and following trends.


Right on. And that is why sometimes certain people's ideas on Facebook about governance makes you go, "Really? Five years tertiary education, a semester on critical thinking and this is your take?"


I laughed not because it's funny. But because, sad to say, this is not just "Asians according to Americans". I mean, ignorance is a global pandemic. In high school, some of my peers thought that  Canada is in Europe. Pre-millenium facepalm!


I no longer need this on my wallpaper since it is already embedded in my head. Which is good, sebab sekarang aku boleh beritahu orang, putting this as your laptop's wallpaper memang sangat berkesan. You're not gonna forget it.


Again, aku sangat berterima kasih kepada orang yang buat benda ni sebab aku selalu confuse dengan tanda berhenti ni semua. Aku tak sure sama ada subjek PAQ dulu tak ajar benda ni, atau ko kena masuk kelas KAQ dengan Ustaz Ghazali untuk belajar benda ni, ataupun memang ada dalam chapter PAQ tapi aku tido. Everybody sleeps in my school.


A bit spiteful, but it made my day anyway. Hahaha.


Again, only plain janes that have to listen to their pretty friends' (or frienemies') same-topic whine would understand this. But girls do it all the time - talking about some guy's compliments continuously, I mean. I think I may have done it on one occasion, although I doubt it, since 80% of the men I knew usually treats me  like I'm some kind of sarcasm machine, spewing ironic sentences for their enjoyment. Last time aircond aku rosak, you would think they would help you, kan? Nope. Diorang gelak and say "Campak jela dalam longkang." Those assholes.


This is partly because the pic is pretty and because it kinda answers my question about my constant waking up in the middle of the night.


This is the truest shit I ever found on the net. I can't say which one is truer, because everything above memang betul.


Cik Fad tag aku pada gambar ni. Aku try jadikan wallpaper, tapi seriously, no avengers can make me write when I dun feel like it.


Adakah ini memang kata2 hikmat Salahudin Al-Ayubi? Aku malas nak research betul2. Nowadays orang ramai sangat buat benda ni sampaikan ada masanya diorang main letak je apa diorang jumpa kat internet tu, sampaikan hadis dhaif pun sampaikan kat orang. Bahaya betul. Tapi kalau yang ni tak kisahlah betul atau tak... the important thing is apa yang disampaikan.


Yes. Thank you. Somebody has the guts to give golongan ini nama yang sesuai. Mintak nasihat tu satu hal. Tak nak ikut tu satu hal la, sebab decision kau adalah decision kau. Cumanya, bila kau dah pilih decision kau tu dan it turns out to be the wrong one, toksah datang balik kat aku dan mintak nasihat percuma dari aku cara untuk betulkan balik. Didn't I tell you NOT TO in the first place? 

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

BH, 1 Ogos


Ini bukanlah interview pertama aku, tapi aku suka interview ini.

Kenapa?
Sebab ia ditulis oleh Chaq, Polsc BFF aku masa kat UIA dulu. It's the most selamba interview I had, that's for sure. Tapi agak canggung due to the fact aku takde buku baru. Huhu.

Oh anyway. Few facts:

1. This interview was done masa Pesta Buku Selangor arituh
2. Tudung tu tudung Dressmehappy. Layari Dressmehappy facebook page (sempat iklan)
3. Gambar aku senget tu sebab aku tengah lean at rak buku sebenarnya
4. Ayat dalam tu yang tertulis "Saya suka menulis novel yang berlainan dari tema cinta yang klise" itu silap sikit sebab saya juga adalah seorang novelis tema cinta yang klise. Tak ada bezanya. Wakakaka.
5.  Saya suka gambar bawah tu sebab saya nampak kurus dan berkulit cerah. Jelas menipu orang awam. Hahaha.

Butterflies and Hurricanes

Do you know how it feels like to be able to fly?
I do.

After three years of that numbing pain in that small place inside my heart that I was never able to heal...

Here is a story of a brokenhearted girl, who wanted to move on with her life after being stuck in a rotting senseless cycle of betrayal and misunderstandings. So she and her best friends, that have been with her since she was seven, since she was thirteen, since she was sixteen decided to start anew. An independent business. A dream they had when they were just teenagers dreaming of life while waiting for Isya' prayer in the musolla somewhere in Kuala Selangor.

So they opened a kindergarten, through a franchise that was offered to them. But as soon as they have spent thousands of dollars they barely have, they found out that the business had to shut down. The people that sold them the business had a problem they did not want to address and we had a problem that they preferred to ignore........................

We were jobless. Penniless. And Nad was pregnant at the time.

Have you ever been in a situation where you have no where to turn to? You wake up one day and feel that your life is going nowhere and that in the words of Keane, "Everybody's changing and I am still the same?"

Be thankful because you are still the same.

But not us at the time. Not me.

Have you ever worked the whole month just to see all of the money - ALL OF IT - went to pay a rental of a place you are not using?
Have you ever travel with only RM5 in your wallet, not just for the day, but for the rest of the month?
Have you ever felt that small heart attack when your phone rings and it was someone asking you to pay the bills when you know you have no money at all, not even a cent?
Have you ever tried going to someone's office and demand a meeting with them, only to have them make you wait for ages and then tell you that they don't give a damn?
Have you ever received guests in front of your house that want you to pay your debt then and there?
Have you ever been told that your company account have been blacklisted from a bank?
Have you ever been blacklisted from a bank and then being blacklisted by PTPTN all in the same week?
Have you ever had to look your parents in the eyes and feel useless?
Have you ever suffered all of this while the person/people that caused all of that just happily using your money for their own benefits, and even open the same business at the same location that you have chosen but failed to open due to their mistakes?
Have you ever had the difficulty to breathe, that every single day you feel like Sisyphus, rolling a huge rock up the mountain just to see it roll down again?
Have you ever had to experience all of that while other people move on with their life, getting married, having kids, buying houses, taking trips overseas?
Have you ever read their Facebook status, whining about trivial things that you just wanna slap their faces for being such an ungrateful human being?
Have you ever had to get a lawyer and then realised the irony, that while everybody else have husband and kids, you have a lawyer?
Have you ever been rejected by a lawyer who didn't even read your case and tell you to just forget about it and forget about the money and the effort you have made?
Have you ever - after two years, had to compile all documents and open the can of worms again and write a letter of demand?
Have you ever spent days upon days with one lawyer to another and repeat the same story over and over again?
Have you ever received a counterclaim and saw the huge amount of ridiculous demands they have upon you?
Have you ever had to go to court? Listen to these people talking shit about you and refused to acknowledge their faults in front of the judge?
Have you ever had to wait for two months, not knowing whether your effort for those three years will be a success or you will lose a case, which means that you will add more debt?

My friends and I have.

But it is also a blessing in disguise, because these three years taught me a valuable lesson. It taught me who my friends are. I learned to be thankful to be born a Muslim - where suicide is never a choice. The more pain I felt, the closer I feel to Him. Some friends joked that I have become more philosophical about my belief since this happened. But it is true. I used to be blessed with a lot of things, but I was not grateful for it.

I forgot that He gave me everything I asked for. A career as a writer. A family that understand. Best friends that I can actually call best friends.

That three years was the worst time of my life. But it was also an eye-opener.

Do you know how it feels like to be able to fly?
I do, when we won this case.

I was jumpy all morning and every time my phone rang, I felt a tiny heart attack. As soon as Miss Shirin called me and said that we won, everything becomes a blur. I felt lighter, like a giant anchor had just been lifted. I called Mun and told her, and I can hear the heavy sigh leaving her mouth. I called Nad, and I can feel the tiny wildfire of joy in her voice that she tried not to let out. I called Tim, and I can almost hear all the worries inside of her left her body.

If this was a movie, I would have been jumping up and down, screaming on top of my lungs.
But the first thing I did? I went to the internet and googled "CARA SUJUD SYUKUR YANG BETUL". And I did that for I don't know how long. I have a headache right at this moment. I think that was because I was prostrating and crying at the same time.

I will never forget every single person that have been supporting us through and through. Mum and her constant prayers, my dad that always pretended that everything is fine, kaklong that have been the "unofficial lawyer" who advised us and even came to the trial with us, Dinie that have been listening to all my problems when I needed an outside ear, Chaq that kept pushing me to let her cover the story, my relatives that have been my rock, my wall, my everything, friends and readers that have constantly been supporting me even though they have no clue what was actually going on, En. Sukari who was adamant to say nothing but the truth, Puan Jalilah that has helped us from day one...

And of course, our beloved lawyers (have you ever heard that term? "Beloved lawyers"...)
Mr. Alvin, the one who listens when other lawyers turned us away
Mr. Karamjit, whose words of encouragement have always made us feel secure. Seriously, every time he said "That's ok. No worries," I felt like truly, everything's going to be fine.
Ms. Shirin, that have been spending every waking hours working on our case, even called Mun at 5am to prepare for the trial. The one I will always remember as "the messenger of good news"
Ms. Intan, who assisted us throughout the case, teaching us things like what is a bailiff, what is an interpreter, what is an "exhibit", always with a smile on her face.

Yes, we won our case. It still feels like a dream. Alhamdulillah. God is Great.
God is Great.
God is Great.

P.s.  One of these days I am sooo gonna drop by the firm and take pictures with everybody.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Kecik, Sekolah Rendah, Sekolah Menengah, Universiti, 9-5, Freelancer

Block tahun akhir aku kat UIA dulu. Block C


Since I am bored out of my wits, let's write.


Masa aku kecik2...
Aku tak pose. Noktah.

Masa aku sekolah rendah...
Here's the thing about being a second child. You're always trying hard to impress and your older sister is always a line you wanna cross. So kalau "Masa darjah satu kaklong puasa penuh", of course aku nak puasa penuh. Heck, I would puasa until hari raya if I could just so I would break her record. 

Jika anda mahu anak anda berpuasa penuh, banding2kan mereka. Hahahaha.

Tapi itu tak bermakna saya seorang budak yang baik when it comes to bersahur. Bila masa bersahur, I'm a total bitch. Makdik (which is mak sedara aku, yang dipanggil Makdik sebab she's the younger of the twin... I also have a Makkak) aku pernah kata, "Setiap kali aku tengok mak korang ni layan korang makan, aku memang rasa nak bagi penampar je sorang-sorang."

But makdik aku tak perlu penampar kitorang, sebab ayah aku ada untuk melakukan hal tersebut. You see, kalau mak aku layankan, bapak aku tukang tampor. Kalau bapak aku layankan, mak aku tukang tampor. Sistem good cop-bad cop ini tak pernah ada perbezaannya so bila dah besar kitorang tatau siapa yang kitorang lebih sayang sebab dua2nya kaki melayan dan kaki penampor. Hahah.

Masa aku sekolah menengah...
Aku tak pernah sahur kat DM. Why? Sebab trying untuk bangun, cuci muka (at least), menutup aurat, turun dari asrama tiga tingkat, berjalan ke dewan makan dan beratur untuk amik makanan sahur is futile and tiring. Lebih futile lagi apabila apa yang diserve di dewan makan tu adalah makanan yang sesuai untuk convict di ADX Florence Supermax Facility (sila google utk keterangan lanjut). Kalau masakan normal ialah sup sayur yang boleh bertukar menjadi jus sayur dengan sekali picit, bayangkan lauk itu pada pukul tiga pagi.......

Jadi selalunya aku bersahur dalam bilik. Biasanya dengan biskut dan air kosong atau biskut dengan air milo sejuk yang serbuknya berbijik2 terapung atas air (I swear to God, kids are so lucky they have Milo Freeze these days). Kalau Masitah pulak, mesti makan Maggi mee-in-my-mug (oh rindunya aku dgn brand tu) sejuk yang lembik tak lembik keras tak keras. Takyah kesiankan, sebab she loves it. Even kalau ada air panas pon dia lebih prefer makan macam tu. 

Masa form two, diorang buat sistem di mana setiap bangku dan meja dah ditetapkan and you have to get eight people to eat with you sepanjang Ramadhan. Kiranya cam dah setkan meja untuk lapan orang dan lapan orang tula jadi berbuka buddies. Ini supaya memudahkan semua orang untuk dapat duduk semeja, kalau tak mesti ada yang tak dapat duduk. And that was how geng United Eight (aku, Mas, Dinie, Ayim, Tim, Ann, Deqno, Zana) terbentuk. Betapa alimnya sesebuah geng itu apabila ia terbentuk di bulan Ramadhan. Kalau nak salahkan orang yang menyebabkan geng2 sebegini terbentuk, salahkan senior yang buat sistem ni dulu. Hahahaha.

Nasib baik masa form four and form five bulan puasa dan raya masa cuti sekolah. Tak payah pening piker pasal sahur dan berbuka.

Tapi bila terawikh tu memang akan buat 20 la. Kalau buat lapan nanti kena pandang slack dengan senior (tak ikhlas betul buat tarawikh zaman tu, habis sume pahala). Tapi moreh la paling best especially kalau moreh dapat bubur pulut hitam. Wawee junior juice.

Masa aku di UIA
Aku ingat masa duduk blok B dengan Iza, Ika dan Niza. Dalam pukul 11 malam macam tu, kitorang akan pergi kafe Mahallah Maryam untuk beli empat bungkus nasi kosong, telur dadar dengan tomyam campur atau sup tulang. Kitorang akan simpan untuk dijadikan sahur supaya tak payah keluar bilik pagi2 buta tu. Kalau berbuka tu sukati mak bapak korangla nak makan apa pon.

Tapi one day, semua orang tak bangun. Dalam pukul lapan pagi, kitorang semua berdiri depan cubicle masing2 dan merenung ke arah yang sama - bungkusan nasi, telur dadar dan sup/tomyam yang tak dimakan. Perut berbunyik2, bukan sahaja kerana lapar tapi kerana rasa kecik ati tak dapat makan makanan yang dah dibeli dengan usaha pukul 11 malam. Semua orang, dengan muka sayu berkata, "Nasik.....", knowing that even pada waktu berbuka pun, semua makanan tu still akan jadi basi.

Orang kata bubur free yang dibagi kat Masjid UIA tu sedap. I wouldn't know. Tak pernah hingin nak berjalan jauh sampai ke sana bila surau kat sebelah blok je. Yang aku tahu, kalau nak beli makanan berbuka kat Suka2 Catering (diorang bukak bisnes kat Mahallah Hafsah zaman aku dulu), sila lakukannya pada jam 3.30 petang bila kafe tu start bukak. Sebab kalau anda pergi lepas pukul enam, memang tinggal tray jela.

Aku tak penah amik gamba dalam opis. Tapi aku saja nak tunjuk kat korang meja aku... meja coklat yang ada pashmina coklat covering the chair tu. Wahaha.

Masa kerja
Masa aku kerja 9-5 dengan Cinema Online.... ok, more like 9.30-6, kitorang memang dapat balik awal. Masuk kerja time biasa, work through lunch hour while Non-Muslim employees gi makan dan balik awal. Kira cam kelebihan utk kitorang la, sbb yg bukan Muslim kena balik normal hour.

Masalahnya? Balik awal di CO adalah pukul 5 petang. Masalahnya? Orang opis lain sume balik pukul 4.30ptg. Masalahnya? Opis kitorang betul2 depan LDP. Area LRT Kelana Jaya tu. Area jem 24/7 tu. So kalau balik pukul 5 petang pun, hati anda akan ranap bila turun dari opis dah nampak jem depan mata. Tak kire la macam mana aku berusaha pun, aku still sampai rumah jam lapan atau sembilan malam. So, one day, I had enough. I decided untuk berbuka di opis dan keluar pada pukul lapan malam. Itu pun akan sampai umah pada jam sebelas malam. The first time I did that, editor aku tanya pesal aku tak balik umah lagi which I said, "Keje pointless." and he laughed and said, "Figured that out eyh?"

I must have looked extremely stupid trying to have a normal berbuka time.

Tapi yang bestnya masa tak boleh pose. There was one time aku punya time of the month sama dengan Maria. So she gave me coklat Tim Tam and kitorang makan dengan penuh gembiranya sambil buat keje, siap buat discussion tentang perbezaan Tim Tam Malaysia dengan Tim Tam Australia. Tak ada sebarang kekangan di CO. Nobody will give you the stink eye if you eat in front of people since 65% of the employees there are Non-Muslims anyway. So you just do. At least it's not as bad as my editor. Upon knowing that aku dalam keadaan tak boleh pose, dia ajak gi makan kat luar lepas Press Preview. Adakah kau cuba untuk membuatkan aku bersiar2 di dalam van mayat?

Oh, and di bulan puasa jugalah aku pergi press preview pertama aku (before that was a gala premiere, so tak dikira)... filem MAMMA MIA.

Kenapa aku tak berbuka kat restoran berhampiran? Apa yang halal kat situ? Restoran mamak amendetah namanya tu tak sedap. Tak pernah aku jumpa restoran mamak yang tak sedap. Tapi rupa2nya wujud di Kelana Jaya. Kalau restoran boleh berubah menjadi workshop repair keta, ketahuilah bahawasanya memang tak sedap.

Masa bekerja sebagai freelancer
Aku co-cook lauk sahur dan aku juga co-cook waktu berbuka. Setiap kali orang lain bising pasal lauk masin atau masakan tak sedap, baru aku paham perasaan mak aku. Memang rasa nak belasah muka masing-masing. Nothing worse than memasak sepenuh hati and then have people say things like, "Lauk ni?" 

Friday, July 27, 2012

Of nightmares and dreams...

I have been trying to update my blog sejak minggu lepas. Tapi sepanjang Ramadhan ni memang banyak kerja. Novel masih tak bergerak2 dari the last chapter I wrote. Bukannya apa. The last time I read it I felt like I just wrote 300 pages worth of crap. I can't sell that to people. Nabi tak ajar jual benda tak berkualiti pada orang. Berdosa. Hahahaha. (Alasan baru aku kenapa novel belum siap sangat Islamik, kan?). Tak lama lepas tu aku demam plak. Ni masih lagi dalam keadaan demam, selsema tahap sesak nafas masuk dalam mimpi.

In a topic of dream... bila aku demam, usually I get nightmares. So, last night, aku mimpi aku ada dalam this very white very clean institution ala2 scentific research punya institution and then people kept whispering here and there saying that Baim Wong is dead. Someone told me that a bunch of stars have been rounded up inside an elevator and was shot dead. The last one was a group of stars, Baim Wong, Marshanda, Agnes Monica, SISTAR's Hyo-rin and BoA. They said that Baim and Marshanda was already shot.

I went, "Maksud kau, Baim Wong dah tak ada lagi?"
She went, "Yeah."

And somehow I felt extremely forlorn at the thought that he is gone.
So I went there and saw a miserable looking Yoo Jae-suk (yes, you already know that in dreams, nothing makes sense). And he came towards me, saying in Korean (and somehow I understand) that he was asked to choose to shoot a star. It was "Shoot a star, or we'll shoot them all." I asked him who did he shot? He pointed at a dead Hyo-rin. He said he had no choice but to do it. I asked him how many celebrities had been killed. He said "More than 500".

And then another elevator door opens, and I saw Adibah Noor and her minions in white mask. She looked at me and went, "Jangan masuk campur atau awaklah yang kena lepas ni."...............................

..........................................................Aaaanyways.
(I actually understand the root of this dream. I have spent so many hours writing articles and news about Korean stars and translating a lot of Indonesian sinetron lately. Dun ask me about the Adibah Noor part, I seriously don't know.)

Actually, kalau ikut tradisi, biasanya dalam bulan Ramadhan aku akan update blog setiap hari. I have been doing that since 2004 in my old blog. Tapi tataulah kenapa tahun ni aku busy sangat sampai tak sempat nak buat semua tu. Lagipun hidup aku asik dipenuhi dengan menaip, I just can't bear do it for free. Haha.

I will try update more. But for now...

1. Aku dah beli baju raya. Sehelai beli online, lagi dua helai beli kat Alam Sentral. Masalah utama raya dah selesai (I'm seriously against shopping during Ramadhan)
2. Aku mungkin tak ada kasut raya. Atau mungkin takde kasut langsung. Ini disebabkan aku memang selalu beli dua pasang kasut dan pakai sampai haus atau koyak, baru beli baru. So kasut aku dah haus tapi aku tak jumpa keinginan nak beli kasut. I hate shoes. The world will be better off with everybody berkaki ayam ke mana2.
3. Impian sejak dua tahun lepas untuk buat kad raya eksklusif ditangguhkan sekali lagi. Buat kad, mahal. Setem hantar kad, mahal. Tahap peduli manusia terhadap kad raya, zero. Just bayangkan gini je. If aku ada kad raya eksklusif, it will look like the cover of AKN. Imagine some witty speech inside it and a chibi drawing. There. Now you will have my kad raya in your head.
4. Aku hanya akan buat popia horlicks raya ni. Masih belum beli oven baru.
5. Keputusan kes mahkamah kitorang akan keluar 31 Julai ni. Harap korang dapat doakan kejayaan kitorang dalam kes ni supaya aku boleh menarik nafas lega dan do other things that I have been postponing because of it - like migrating or opening  a bookstore or accepting a proposal and getting married. (The latter, I guess might have been withdrawn. Time and tide waits for no man, aye?)

Anyways, it is never too late to wish everybody a Sweet Holy Ramadhan. Semoga semua charitable deeds bulan ni akan menular ke bulan2 yang lain juga.

NEXT ENTRY: Kenangan puasa... Isn't that too cliché? Oh well, I love reminiscing anyways... (anyways, I have to stop using the word cliché. Last month, I saw a televised interview where a drama director used that word, and I now realised that, "Gracious! Saying cliché is now too cliché."

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Don't feed my annoyance. Feed a Family this Ramadan!

Don't you LOVE Ramadan?

I LOVE it! It's the month where my patience are heighten to a new level, automatically. There is something in the Ramadan's air that kinda make you less annoyed with the world.....


.... except the constant lagu raya playing on the radio and in the mall, the crowd in the mall, crowds and bazaar Ramadan. I do hate bazaar Ramadan. You can find the harmony among Muslims there and also the bad things people do - like membazir, charging too much for a stale piece of murtabak, and people pretending to be crippled to get sadaqah. Seriously, they are the worst. If you are an able-bodied man, work, son. Don't pretend to be blind. You are tainting and victimising the disabled community.

But still... I love the month. I am more forgiving (because getting angry is wasting the fat energy I am holding on to) and less mouthy about stuff. If there is a time for you to make a confession or a secret that will make me mad, spill it during Ramadan. You know I will not be able to cuss you.

But anyway, what I am trying to write here is not about me (or the calmer version of me), but of a charity. Kak Eton sent me an email about this and I think it's a great thing to add to the holy month. No need for me to explain. Let's just read it, aye?

Just click on it for a larger size, yea? If I make this bigger, it will eat the page up.

Women of Today

Women of today are supernatural, I tell you.

They work by day, they take care of their kids and husband. Then they make macaroons on weekends, sew shoes for their kids, have hobbies in arts and crafts, build online businesses, exercise so not to lose to slimmer women, learn how to bake stuff with french names, continue their studies, learn beading, design tudungs, open stalls selling creative collectibles...............................................

The more I meet the women of today, the more proud I am of their achievements.

And the more scared I am to be female. Seriously. I feel useless with what little knowledge I have about being a perfect woman. It's like I'm back to the Regency Era where women must have "the eloquence with the pianoforte, extensive readings, knowledge of the arts whilst having the ability to enchant men with their gentle female whims...".... while I act like the scullery maid with Cockney accent.

Thank God I can use "I'm a novelist" as an excuse not to achieve such heights. I'm a novelist. I need my messy miserable artsy fartsy 18th CE peasant look.....

.......alasan pemalas.


Thursday, July 12, 2012

Siri Bercakap dengan Jin Part 2 (ok, next time aku tak tiru Tamar Jalis lagi)

Apa arituh? Apa citer aku?

(*check balik last entry......) Oh yeah.

So.

Dorm 32. Dunno what the hell is wrong with that place. Seriously dun have a clue. But kat dorm tu je, tiga kali something happened. Most of the time sebab aku yang carik pasal but hey, I am a night person. Masa form four aku memang budak baik (tak ada sape nak puji, tepakse puji sendiri). Tapi aku jugak senior, which means aku banyak kerja sampingan selain belajar (sebab tu la ko punya add math teruk, pompuan). Sebab kerja2 sampingan untuk persatuan tu la akhirnya benda2 ini berlaku. Like that time when I asked for a permission untuk pergi lambat ke musolla untuk solat maghrib...

THE HURT LOCKER
(no, it's not)

Masa tu aku balik lambat dari riadah. Biasanya riadah habis pukul 6 (ke 6.30? Aku dah tak ingat), balik makan, mandi and straight ke musolla untuk solat jemaah Maghrib dan isyak and kuliah Maghrib before 7.15pm. Tapi that day aku gunakan waktu riadah tu untuk buat kerja for PSSGM..... eh jap... sama ada Silat Gayong atau Persatuan Bahasa Arab. Aku tak hengat yang mana satu. Yang aku ingat, aku dengan Tim yang habiskan masa kat bilik komputer mengerjakan benda tu sampai pukul 6.45. And since benda yang kitorang buat tu memang co-curricullum related, exco disiplin pon benarkanlah kitorang keluar lambat sikit dari asrama, around 7.45pm.

Of course la.. kalau ko dibagi kebenaran keluar lambat, ade niat ke nak pi musolla as soon as ko siap mandi? Mestila la tak. So aku siap mandi around 7.15 (masa tu bilik air dah kosong) and balik bilik utk lepak2 until 7.45pm. Of course masa tu semua bilik dah kosong sebab sume orang yang boleh solat dah pi musolla dan sume yang takleh solat dah turun bilik prep for their own activity. Kiranya kat blok tu, aku sensorang jela yg wujud selain drpd Tim kat first floor Wing B. So aku pon lepakla dgn bahagianya, membaca majalah sambil tunggu rambut kering. Memang best duduk waktu maghrib, sunyi je takde suara sesapa. 


But then tetiba aku dengar bunyik something. "Gdung gdung gdung"-ish. Macam bunyik yang akan kuar bila ko cube nak bukak pintu kayu yg berkunci and ko tarik berkali2. Aku assume jela mungkin somewhere in another place in this quiet location, someone is trying to open something. Sambung baca buku.


But then bunyik tu muncul semula. And aku realise that it comes from behind me. Aku terus pandang belakang, ke arah barisan loker yang tutup dinding. 


There is one funny thing about being in a situation yang agak creepy. Unlike dalam filem where the protagonist terus saspen bila dengar something, actually when you are in that situation, your mind kinda shut the whole idea about supernatural entities and start to think logically. Perkara pertama yang aku fikir ialah,


"Bebudak ni mesti simpan kucing lagi dalam loker!" (ada sesetengah student suka sgt amik anak kucing yg diorg jumpa and letak dalam bilik).


Since kitorang mmg saling mempercayai n tak ada sesiapa pun yang mengunci loker diorang, so aku pun bangun and check one by one loker baju yang ada kat situ, thinking that maybe ada kucing yang cuba keluar tapi tak dapat. Tapi tak ada apa-apa. 


Aku sambung baca majalah balik. Jam baru pukul 7.30pm. Ada 15 minit lagi. But then it sounded again. And again otak aku buat its own explanation. I was thinking "Mungkin hanger baju kena tiup angin so it sways dan langgar loker." (aku tau, memang agak dumb untuk fikir benda dalam loker boleh berhayun ditiup angin... kat mana plak datangnya angin?). So aku bukak lagi sekali untuk check whether ada tak orang gantung hanger kat belah dalam pintu loker. Pon tak ada.


Mula rasa curious dan saspen. Tapi masih berdegil tanak keluar dari asrama selagi belum pukul 7.45pm. Then it sounded again. Aku buat tatau. Every four to five seconds bunyik tu keluar and bunyiknya mmg datang dari belakang aku. But then azan maghrib berkumandang. And sepanjang azan tu yang peliknya, bunyik tu tak ada. 


But then, azan pun habis. Aku tadah tangan baca doa lepas azan (baca doa rajin, pi solat jemaah malas. tsk tsk tsk). But then selesai je aku baca doa dan sapu kat muka, I mean as soon as that is over, bunyik tu datang lagi, this time with quite an urgency. 


Masa tu baru otak aku click and fikir yang hal ni bukan hal biasa. So aku bangun, tukar baju, pakai tudung, amik beg dan five minutes after that, aku keluar. Masa aku keluar kat koridor tu, baru aku sedar. Rupa2nya minah Fatimah Abd Mutalib ni dah lama blah pergi musolla. Floor dia dah gelap. Floor lain dah gelap. ground floor pon gelap. Semua orang kat bilik prep tak ada and dah pi musolla sebab Ustaz Ezani ada untuk kuliyah Feqah. Damn gila, aku sorang je rupe2nya dalam asrama yang dah gelap tu and cuma lampu bilik aku je yang menyala. Kuasam btolllll.


But that was not the worst of it. Sebab masa tu belum lagi musim choral speaking. Masa musim choral speaking, aku selalu balik bilik lambat dan selalu terlepas sesi baca Surah Al-Mulk kat dalam bilik. Masa musim choral speaking, aku and bebudak form four yang lain akan berlatih kat ground floor sampai pukul satu dua pagi and usually kalau balik bilik semua orang dah tido.


KISAH KAKI ANNE
(Penat dah nak buat tajuk best)


Masa aku form four, dorm kitorang cuma ada 19 penghuni. Since ada 10 buah katil double decker, ada la satu katil tingkat atas yang tak berpenghuni. Katil tu memang takde sape nak duduk sbb tak best. Dahla sebelah pintu, tingkat atas plak tu. Tapi katil aku pulak terletak kat sebelah katil tu. Aku duduk katil belah bawah (sebab aku senior, suka hati aku nak pilih katil). Sebelah kanan aku barisan loker dan sebelah kiri aku adalah junior aku (aku tak ingat sape). Tapi katil belah atas aku didiami oleh seorang budak junior yang bernama Najihah dan dipanggil Anne.

Malam tu aku balik lambat buat kesekian kalinya. Semua orang pun dah tido. So dengan penuh keletihannya, aku tukar baju dan terus tidor atas katil aku. Toksah citer Surah Al-Mulk la, mandi pun tak.

But then masa tengah tidor tu I had a bad dream. So aku terjaga. Tapi masalahnya walaupun aku terjaga, aku takleh bangun. Sekali lagi, after two years, aku kena tindih lagi. Disebabkan aku terlampau mengantuk, aku cam fikir, "Tindih la, aku dah tak pedulik. Aku nak tido."

But the thing about being pinned down, whether it's due to psychology or a supernatural entity, makin lama ko akan rasa makin berat. That invisible thing that pinned you down felt so heavy that you have trouble breathing. So unless you die of suffocation (exaggerate), you have to fight to get up. You know, if I could sue a ghost for sexual harassment, I would. But you can't.

While in that state, in that suffocating state, weird things happen. Bila kepala aku menoleh ke kiri, aku dengar suara orang baca Quran. Bila aku toleh ke kanan, aku dengar suara orang borak dan gelak2. Kalau aku menghadap tengah, aku dengar both things. So in that moment, aku kumpul semua tenaga yang masih ada dan aku bangun. Aku tau aku tak boleh just force mata untuk bukak. Aku tau kalau nak bangun dan get it over with, aku perlu bangun dan terus berdiri. So, with that thought, aku gather my whole energy dan bangun.

Masa nak bangun tu (aku decide utk bangun dan berdiri kat right side of the bed sebab belah kiri tu tak banyak ruang antara katil aku dengan katil sebelah)... ok, again. Masa nak bangun tu, kaki Anne terjuntai pakai seluar merah (warna dark orangey from the outside corridor light) dari katil atas dan menghalang aku untuk terus berdiri. So dengan semangatnya, aku tepisla kaki tu dengan lengan aku macam ko tepis dahan pokok yang berjuntai. With that, aku terus bangun.

Peace. Tak ada bunyik baca Quran, takde bunyik orang ketawa, tak rasa suffocate lagi. Then aku jalan pusing satu bilik (itu yang aku selalu buat bila aku rasa tak selesa atau lemas), kerling ke arah Anne yang masih tidur kat belah atas katil aku dan terus baring semula atas katil.

Aku baru nak tutup mata when suddenly aku tersedar something. Masa aku kerling Anne yang tengah tidur tu, dia tidur at the far left side of the bed. Maksudnya, dia tidur mengiring sambil peluk bantal dan betul-betul kat bahagian kiri katil dia. So tak logik untuk orang yang mengiring belah kiri boleh menjuntaikan kaki kat bahagian kanan katil. And one more thing.  She was wearing a dark blue track bottom. But the leg yang aku tolak tadi tu pakai seluar warna merah.

Aku rasa mungkin aku terlampau mengantuk dah masa tu so aku tidor je tanpa mencarik jawapan. But I still think about it today. Aku tolak kaki sapa pada tengah malam tahun 1999 di dorm 32?

Pehh, ending cliffhangar la kata hatinya.

But then it was not the end of it. I touched something but I didn't see any actual apparition. Never did until then. Until that one night masa budak junior aku pi tido atas katil aku dan aku terpaksa tido atas katil dia sebelah Arima.

HANTU ARIMA
(aku tak bagi tajuk lain sebab sume orang yang tahu citer ni memang tahu hantu ni dengan nama Arima je, kesian Arima....)

Asrama memang selalu blackout. Sama ada blackout atau takde air. Atau paling best, kedua2nya sekali. Nama je bangunan baru, tapi tahap efektif macam bangunan buruk.

So that day prep malam dibatalkan sebab satu kawasan tu takde letrik. Aku dan bebudak bilik aku habiskan masa berborak2. Disebabkan panas, aku baringla atas simen kat tengah2 antara dua katil junior bilik aku with some other dorm mates. Meanwhile, another junior aku si Arima ada test ke amende tah, jadi dia tak join kitorang and kata dia nak study menggunakan lampu yang datang dari dewan makan (katil dia at the other side tingkap yang menghadap bangunan dewan makan).

The thing about Arima ialah, a) Dia bercermin mata. b) Baju tidornya consist of the top part of baju kurung kedah bunga2 warna pink dipadankan dengan track bottom. c) Dia sentiasa tocang rambut.

Why do I have to tell you all this? Because it's crucial to the story.

Anyways, while kitorang berborak, Arima plak menelungkup atas katil menghadap dewan makan sambil study. Somewhere along that time, dia tertidur dengan spek2 sekali tak sempat bukak. Meanwhile, kitorang yang berborak ni tertido la kat mana kitorang lepak tu. And around 1 or 2am macam tu aku terjaga sebab sakit belakang tido atas simen. Although kitorg mmg tak bukak lampu, lampu koridor kat luar dah menyala, menunjukkan yang electric dah ada balik.

Aku pun bangunlah nak pi tido katil aku. Tapi tengok ada plak orang lain atas katil tu (kes malas nak panjat katil la tu). So sebab malas nak kejutkan budak yang dah tido atas katil aku tu, terpaksa la aku tido atas katil budak tu - yang mana merupakan the top part of katil double decker dan terletak di sebelah katil Arima yang kini dah menelangkup di atas bantal bersama buku dan cermin mata.

Masa tu aku mamai gila sebab baru bangun. Panjat katil dengan rasa tensen and then terus guna selimut minah ni untuk tutup badan and sambung tido. Mengiring ke arah Arima dan tengok dia tidur telungkup depan buku.

But somehow, masa aku dah ready nak tido balik, aku nampak someone, or at least a shadow of someone coming from the lockers. Slowly dia berjalan menuju ke arah Arima kat sebelah aku tu. Masalahnya, while Arima yang sebenar ada kat sebelah aku dan dah lama tertido, rupa yang aku nampak tengah jalan ke arah kitorang ni - in that vague silhouette of light from the corridor,  sama macam Arima. Dia pakai baju yang sama dengan corak bunga yang sama, same height, same track bottom, and walaupun aku tak nampak sgt muka dia, she's wearing spectacles. 


The only difference is that walaupun dia pon bertocang macam Arima, tocang tu tak macam orang biasa, Tocang tu tegak, as if someone invisible is holding it behind her. Slowly but steadily dia approach Arima (masa ni aku kecikkan mata aku supaya tak nampak sgt macam aku berjaga, but still watching, half sleepy half calmly horrified... I dunno how to explain the feeling). And then dengan suara Arima, dia cakap,


"Arima, jomlah temankan kita pergi toilet."


Kalau nak kata apa perasaan aku masa tu, susah aku nak explain. It's not actual scared. I know this is not human, but somehow I don't actually put the word "ghost" inside my head. It's like one part of my brain is saying "Ini bukan Arima. Arima kat sebelah ko" and another part is saying, "But this is not a person." No part of the brain wants to say, "U-huh. Memang hantu." 


Tapi still, bila dia cakap macam tu, terus terdetik dalam otak aku, "Arima tido. Kalau die kejutkan Arima and Arima tak bangun, nanti dia pusing ke arah aku plak dan ajak aku plak pi toilet!" Adakah aku nak pergi toilet dengan makhluk bukan Arima dengan tocang tegak ni? Hell, no. 


So with that thought, aku pejam mata and slowly aku pusing ke arah lain. Memang gila slow punye pusing, in the back of my head aku piker aku takleh buat bising walau a little creaking sound pon or that thing will turn to me. Jadi pergerakan aku sangat slow, sampai aku sendiri tak rasa aku bergerak. After what feels like ages, aku akhirnya berjaya pusing 180 darjah and terus tido. Jangan tanya camna aku boleh terus tido. I guess, it's survival instinct. Sleep is safe.


Oh, and masa tu jugak aku takleh solat. But awal subuh tu aku terjaga sekejap sebab dorm aku agak bising. Si Arima punya spek hilang and diorang sume duk tolong carikkan sebab nak gi musolla. It was ridiculous, sebab Arima memang tertido pakai spek. Tanpa memikirkan apa2, aku tertido balik. The next time aku terjaga semula, bilik bising lagi sebab diorang sume dah balik dari musolla. Then tetiba si Arima jumpa cermin mata dia. 


Atas katil kosong sebelah pintu. Katil yang memang tak pernah ada sesiapa tido sebab ahli bilik cuma 19 orang.


So I told her the story, of what I saw the night before. And then we made a joke that maybe sebab Arima tak nak bangun temankan benda tu gi toilet, dia curik spek Arima and letak atas katil yang takde orang tu sambil kata, "Padan muka. Besok pegi la solat takde spek!"


That was in dorm 32. Then in 2000, masa aku form five, two things happened. Both masa dengan Tim.


BILIK RIADAH


It didn't happen kat dorm this time. Dorm 34 was kinda safe.
It happened in this one room yang seingat aku dipanggil sebagai bilik rehlah. Bilik ni dulu part of stor barang2 rasanya. But then it was changed into a play room. Kot ko nak baca majalah, novel, main board games atau congkak, sume benda ada dalam bilik tu la.

Masa tu aku dengan Tim tak boleh solat. And tak ada kuliah ustaz kat musolla, so semua yang uzur tak perlu pergi sana. Usually kitorang akan buat aktiviti untuk mereka yang tak boleh solat di bilik prep but aku tak ingat kenapa, that time kitorang tak buat. So aku dan Tim yang kebosanan decided untuk pi bilik rehlah untuk main congkak. Pada waktu maghrib. Dalam keadaan uzur.

Kitorang berdua je masa tu, main congkak dengan jayanya. Dalam the first game, Tim menang jalan tapi aku menang rumah. Tim ada satu lubang kosong. So kitorang mainla untuk second round, Tim dengan satu lubang congkak kosong while aku ada lebih.

Tapi yang peliknya, masa kitorang tengah isi semula lubang tu, Tim ada baki enam biji guli, tapi aku cuma ada lebih sebiji guli je, walhal kalau dia ada enam lebih, maksudnya aku mesti ada dua biji guli. So kitorang carikla kat sekeliling, kot2 ada guli yang tercicir. Tapi carik punya carik, tak ada. So kitorang pun amikla sebijik guli dari bekas untuk tambah yang hilang tu.

Main semula. This time aku menang rumah dan menang jalan, Tim masih lost satu lubang. So kitorang isik la semula untuk third round. Tapi this time around, sekali lagi guli tak cukup. Aku ada tujuh biji guli tapi Tim tak ada baki guli. Sebijik guli lagi hilang. Carik lagi sekali kat sekeliling kitorang tapi tak ada.

Amik lagi sebijik dari bekas guli. Main congkak third round. Kali ni Tim menang rumah. Aku lost satu lubang tapi menang jalan. Masukkan lagi guli dalam setiap lubang. And for the third time around, guli tak cukup. Ada sebijik yang hilang. Tak pernah dua bijik atau tiga bijik. Just sebijik je hilang.

Pada time tu la, Tim stop aku dari terus mencari. Dia pandang dengan aku dan kata, "Dia nak main sama la tu. Jomlah."

Aku tak perlu tanya siapa "dia". Kat SMKA X, kau tak perlu tanya siapa "dia". Kau tau, bila orang kata "dia", kena paham2 jela. Kecik ke, besar ke, rambut panjang ke, budak ke, or just a small thing floating ke, sume tu "dia". So kitorang bangun, kemas barang dan papan congkak tanpa mengatakan apa-apa dan terus blah dari bilik tu, join semua orang kat bilik prep semula.

But actually that happened later that year. It happened after one incident.


THAT TIME WHEN I GOT SLAPPED BY SOMETHING  


Masa tu kat musolla waktu lepas maghrib. Masa tu jugak blackout. Tapi walaupun blackout, semua orang masih duduk dalam musolla untuk tunggu arahan seterusnya.


Suddenly member aku sentuh aku. Dia kata kepala dia sakit dan rasa macam "benda" tu datang balik. Member aku ni memang dulu pernah ada kes histeria. Dah lama dia pulih. Tapi dia jugak someone yang prone to migraine. Aku tanya sama ada dia migraine. Dia kata tak rasa macam sakit kepala sebab migraine. It feels like sakit kepala sebab something else.


Sudahhhh...


Tapi sebagai seseorang yang berusia 17 tahun dan pernah menolong member tu masa dia form one, ko rasa maybe you're mature enough to help her. Lagipun dia kata dia tak nak kecoh2 sebab tengah blackout and semua orang sibuk dgn hal masing2. Dia kata it's not that serious. Tapi dia still hulur lengan dia, sebab dia kata dia "rasa" kat situ.


Remembering what we did last time that happened, aku picit ibu jari dia. Aku tanya rasa apa2 tak? Dia geleng. So aku terus urut tangan dia sambil baca tiga qul dalam satu nafas macam yang pernah Ustaz Kama ajar. Aku urut dari pergelangan tangan sampai ke pelipat lengan.

But then bila sampai pada pelipat, it happened. Something like an electric shock. Pernah tak masa tangan korang basah, korang dengan bijaknya cuba tutup suis lampu and letrik suis tu menangkap? Macam tu la rasanya.

So aku quickly tarik balik tangan aku, just like what you would do kalau kena letrik. Aku tanya dia, "Ada something kat pelipat ko ni ke? I mean as in, ada serangga hinggap ke, atau somehow masa aku pegang tu dia memang tengah kena electric shock ke (ya, soklan bodoh, but try kena electric shock masa pegang something yang tak ada letrik, of course ko akan tanya soklan bodo tu). Dia kata tak ada. Dia tanya kenapa aku tanya. Aku kata sebab aku rasa macam kena renjatan tadi. Dia kata, "Kat situlah yang aku rasa something."

But then aku urut je kepala dia macam biasa dan prep tak jadi dibuat sebab masih blackout. So kitorang semua balik asrama. Nothing happened really. No nightmares, no ghost, no nothing. A peaceful sleep.

Until I wake up the next day and saw something on my face. Kat belah kiri. Ada tiga garisan berwarna merah kat pipi aku. It's like if you touch your face dengan jari.... or more correctly, macam kena tampar. It's not your usual calar thing - sangat common dalam kehidupan di asrama untuk suddenly ada calar kat belakang badan yang ko tatau dari mana datangnya. This one was dark red. Tiga kesan garisan warna merah  gelap kat pipi aku yang tak rasa sakit atau anything but it totally scarred half the left side of my face.

Bila orang tanya, aku tatau nak jawab apa. And at first it was only red. The next day it turned into bluish green. But still takde rasa apa. Masa tu aku tanak gi sekolah sebab memang jelas sangat. Tapi Cikgu Sham datang sickbay dan suruh aku pergi kelas jugak sebab dia kata aku tak demam pun dan dia nak buat kelas Akaun time kelas cikgu lain yang pergi kursus.

So aku pergi la jugak ke sekolah. Aku ingat masa tu. Ahmad budak kelas aku ni pandang aku, pandang kesan kat muka aku. Dia signal dengan tangannya kat pipi dia sendiri dan tanya, "Benda tu eh?" Aku just angguk walaupun aku pon tak sure. Ustaz Ghazali kata bukan. Dia kata maybe ada serangga gigit yang aku tak perasan. Tapi Ustazah Mahfuzah yang nampak parut tu terus tarik tangan aku masuk bilik PK HEM dan jumpa Ustaz Aini. Aku ingat benda pertama yang Ustazah Mahfuzah cakap.

"Ustaz, saya nak cakap pasal kes benda2 ghaib ni. Dah teruk sangat sekarang ni." sambil dia menggunakan aku sebagai Exhibit A.


Cis.


Ustaz Aini pandang aku. And then after a few perbualan yang aku tak berminat nak dengar, diorang decided untuk buat majlis baca yasin dan solat hajat. Jadi, wahai sahabat2 satu sekolah, kalau korang nak tau kenapa ada bacaan yasin tak pasal2 ada sekali tu, ha, aku la pasalnya tu. Hahaha.


Kalau korang tak caya, tengok gambo nih.....


Belah kanan muka aku ada parut. Sorry gambar tak jelas sbb aku cuba sedaya upaya cover that part dr nampak time2 nih. But it was a three line. "Tiga line" ah. Samseng. Ahahahahaha.
Cikgu Sham kata, "Kesian, kurang seribu" (maksudnya, hantaran kahwin aku kurang seribu sebab muka berparut). Parut tu amik masa dalam dua ke tiga tahun nak hilang tapi alhamdulillah hilang. 


Jangan salah sangka. Aku tak akan sekali2 buat statement "Aku kena tampar dengan hantu sebab memandai2 nak halau dia dari member aku". That sounds a bit too much even for me. Even saying it feel absolutely ridiculous. Tapi aku sentiasa anggap it's a kind of a mystery. I like that. I like that once upon a time, something mysterious happened to my face and nobody was able to give me any answer.


But then, my family always joke about it, saying stuff like, "Memangla dia macam tu, sebab tu dia kena tampar dengan hantu" atau "Kakngah kau lagi terer. Hantu tampar dia." But then, that's my family. They are never serious.......... except that my dad kinda give me air yang dah ditawar dek seorang ustaz after that, just in case.  


And that was my horror experience.


Oh ada satu lagi, but this is quite funny sebenarnya. 


NAD DAN KUCING


One night lepas prep and supper, aku dengan Nad lepak kat belakang koridor blok A, menghadap dewan makan. Masa tu dewan makan dah gelap and semua orang kat dorm memasing. Entah apesal tah kitorang pi duk lepak belakang blok pon, tatau. Kalau dah namanya nak borak, kat mana2 pon jadi.


So tengah borak-borak tu, ada sekor kucing kelabu belang2 lalu. So I remembered something and gitau Nad,
"Nad, aku ada baca yang bila kucing mengiau, maksudnya dia nampak orang kena seksa kat neraka."
"Oooo." kata Nad. Aku sambung lagi,
"Sama ada itu, ataupun diorang mengiau sebab nampak hantu."
Elok2 je aku habis sebut perkataan hantu, kucing tu pandang kitorang.


"Miau."


Nad menjerit bagai nak rak dan terus lari dari situ. Aku pon lari jugak ikut dia sebab aku tanak kena tinggal sensorang dengan kucing tu.


Hampeh.