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Sunday, December 7, 2014

Of not wanting to be the Poster Child for Singlehood

I had a chat with a friend.

An unmarried friend, like myself, if I have to be precise.

And we talk about... what else if not marriage.

Don't get me wrong. We don't do all that mushy stuff about relationship or questioning about this and that all the time. Usually we talk about taxes, and social issues, or politics, occasionally discussing weird topics, like what is the gender of a toothbrush or how much wood would a woodchuck actually chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

But this time, we talk about marriage. It was just.... 'an educated discussion'... about marriage, if I can say so myself. I mean, I don't like to continue talking about this, but....

Well... the issue is simple. We're annoyed.

We're annoyed by many things, which include:
1. people thinking that we hate men
2. other single people who wants to be united in some sort of a 'We're single and loving it" kind of way (trust me, there is nothing much more desperate than trying to prove you're an independent woman by announcing how independent you are).
3. people thinking we don't meet men much
4. people thinking we don't socialise with people
5. people think we're complicated
6. girls who just broke up with their significant others who are clearly are not over it trying to make some kind of a 'cool single girls' club
7. girls who broke up with their significant others and use excuses such as 'I want to be single just like you' to mask the actual reason; that they find their boyfriends inadequate to fulfill their needs
8. people who think we're lesbians
9. people who think that we're a bunch of 'tak laku' girls
10. people in general.

Let me simplify your unnecessary concerns with my relationship status with an answer;

Why am I not married?
Answer: It's because I am not married.

If I am married, then I am. But since I am not, then I am not. There is no long essay about financial stability, or needs, or all those mushy stuff about commitment. I have left that part back in the noughties together with the annoying age I was at that  time (when I was in my 20s to be exact)

It's not because I am some sort of a gladiator/independent woman who doesn't need a man in her life or hates men like the trend nowadays. I am just not married because I am not married.

To people who thinks that we hate men
We're not. We have high regards for men. Though... that also depends on what type of men. If you're an addict no-good man yang menghabiskan bogheh mak bapak and has no ambition whatsoever, then no, I have no regards for you. But a man's man who has respect for women and the society as a whole, yes, you deserve every respect that I have.

To people who wants to unite with us in that Beyonce Imma Survivor Independent woman kind of thing
Please don't. I just want to live normally. I am not in some sort of a mission to prove that I can live without man. If I live without a man, well, that's because I can. If I get married, well, that's because I fell in love and wants to be with that particular person. If you want me to go all "Who run dis mutha? Girls!", well,... to the left to the left.

To people who thinks that we don't meet men much
How many men do you want me to meet? I have a life to live and it does not involve finding men to take care of me. The thing about me and my friend is, we are used to being single and we are okay doing things on our own without trying to dial a man's number for anything. You might think it's impossible, but it really is easy to do. You just have to be very confident with your own ability to not ask men to do things for you.

Well,..... unless it involves cars. Because I am shit at that. But then again, I don't drive. So there. Problem solved.

To people thinking we don't socialise with people
I am an introvert. I only socialise with people when I want to, but in the end, I like reading myself to sleep better. Ask every other introverts in this world and they will agree with me. It's not a disease. It's just that our way of life is different than yours. If you can't accept that, well, that's just your issue with society at large. I mean, you want everybody to do things your way because your way is the right way? Well, boo-hoo to you, compadre. People have different priorities in life.

To people think we're complicated
If I am, well, I am not proud of it. I am opinionated, that's for sure. But I can tolerate people. Again, I don't do that "I an an independent woman" chant every day. You know how uncomplicated I am? I don't even have a list of things I want from a man to be my husband. All I want is to fall for someone hard enough that I want to spend the rest of my life with that person, and right now, I am not falling for anything or anyone. That can happen too, you know. Some people just don't fall in love that easily, that's all. All that 'drooling for Leonardo Dicaprio' thing? It's just fun to do, because people think you're weird if you don't talk about recent actors.

(the last time I said I fell in love with an actor, it was Clint Eastwood, and my officemates said, "Wey, just go and fall in love with Justin Timberlake or a K-pop guy or something.... why la that old man...")

To girls who just broke up with their significant others who are clearly are not over it trying to make some kind of an association of 'cool single girls' 
I will punch you in the face and say, "Get over it" if you do that. People who are brokenhearted just needs to experience the patheticness of their feelings until one day you don't feel pathetic anymore. That's life. Don't make me your excuse to feel great when you're seriously jaded inside. Accept your jadedness, and you are going to turn out fine. Every time you try to do that sisterhood-of-travelling-pants shit with me, it just gives me the creeps.

I don't subscribe to the Sex and the City friendship. Please understand that.

To girls who broke up with their significant others and use excuses such as 'I want to be single just like you' to mask the actual reason that they find their boyfriends inadequate for their needs
Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to me in order to lie to yourself. I am not your icon of singleness. Just go and get married or something. Sheesh. Every single time tak puas hati dengan hidup sendiri, mulalah sibuk nak mengagung2kan kehidupan aku tanpa sebab. I am not your icon of excuse, nor am I a poster child for singlehood.

To people who think we're lesbians
I do not fancy a being that has the same set of boobs and vagina like meself.

To people who think that we're a bunch of 'tak laku' girls
You want me to tell you how valuable I am in the dating market? Because that's how we value ourselves? Duuuude, have some self respect.

To people in general
There is more to life than discussing my personal life. Why are you worried about me being single? Is there some sort of a will saying that you will get a million dollars if I get married? (I mean, if that's the case, tell me. I will find a man to marry and we can split the money two ways). Will the country get invaded by aliens if I continue to remain single till the age of 40? If not, then relax. The world doesn't turn to ashes just because I am not married.

In conclusion, pleaaaaase do not try to make me seem like a loser for being single, or to make me seem cooler for being single. I don't need to be empowered, to feel like a cool person, to be identified by my singleness, or to be associated with the world through my relationship status. I just want to live a life without any need to explain myself about things that I do. Please don't make me do that. I am tired of it.

The next time you see me, why don't you ask me, have I donated to charity today, have I done something to change the world (even if it's minor), or if I have performed my salah on time. Because that's kinda more important, don't you think?