*masukkan lagu Zaiton Sameon di sini*

Lama sungguh aku tak update blog.

Maafkan aku.

Bukannya aku malas, tapi aku tak sempat.

Banyak benda yang aku tak sempat nak buat.

Aku tak sempat nak update tumblr.

Aku tak ada masa enough nak update Page FB Liza Nur.Nurul Syahida.Zara Amani (which is our official page... yang aku sangka senang sikit kalau bertiga sebab that way boleh pastikan page tu sentiasa aktif... but somehow tak jugak... trust three novelists to actually find something to update!.. yeah, we shud've just hired someone to manage it...)

Malah season terbaru BOARDWALK EMPIRE dah stack up dalam koleksi things that I should watch but have yet to do so.

Lepas hantar AKN2 tempoh hari, aku start pulak menulis SBP2. Lepas SBP2, aku nak sambung manuskrip ILHAM AZIZA (temporary title) yang aku tinggalkan buat sementara. Malah aku berhutang tiga cerita kanak-kanak dengan editor Unit Kanak2 Buku Prima.

Jadi aku mintak maaf banyak-banyak. Aku akan cuba jadi manusia yang lebih pandai menguruskan masa selepas semuanya selesai.

PS: Mak kata inilah puncanya aku tak kahwin2. Ahahahaha. Aku kata, "Mak, jodoh tu kalau dah sampai, duduk lubang cacing pun jumpa bakal suami. Kalau jodoh tu tak sampai, muka cantik macam Miss Universe dengan skil rumah tangga level Martha Stewart pun still single..."

I don't always hate everything

People kept telling me: "Shai, banyak sangatlah isu kau ni. Itu tak suka, ini tak suka. Apa yang kau suka kalau semua benda tak elok je kat mata ko?"

You want me to list things? Fine.

BENDA-BENDA YANG AKU SUKA PART I

1. Nutella
2. Food made by people who want to impress you, not food made by people who want you to praise them. Yes, they are two different things.
3. Bunga kekwa
4. The kind of morning where your neighbour doesn't think drilling the wall would be a good idea
5. David Mitchell
6. Saying random things
7. Singing random things
8. Gone with the Wind
9. Writing and not being interrupted
10. Encyclopaedia
11. People who like me
12. People who do not hate me
13. Translating Spanish telenovelas
14. KFC
15. Breaking Bad
16. Quoting Liz Lemon
17. Seluar pallazo
18. Listening to Alanis Morisette while working
19. Surah Al-Adiyat
20. Stephen King
21. Books that are not about kahwin paksa atau kahwin vampire
22. Jane Austen
23. Cats
24. People who do not annoy me
25. Men being nice because they're nice, not because they want something
26. Cheap clothes
27. Cheap anything
28. Jason Bateman
29. Prague
30. People who look at me when I'm talking and not focusing on their gadget.
31. Talk politics with people who studies politics
32. Not talking about politics with idiots
33. Shah Alam at 2am
34. Gangster movies
35. Masak lemak labu

Top 10 Male Characters that I Can Watch Three Hours Straight.

I once wrote about what kind of fictional/movie character that inspires me to write, (which you all can read HERE).

Dalam masa yang sama, sesetengah pembaca (aku tak kata "ramai pembaca" because it would be lying...) tanya aku pasal karakter lelaki yang inspire aku. Ala, aku tau kenapa diorang tanya. Mesti sebab baca AKU KAN NOVELIS, lepas tu terpengaruh dengan Roul, lepas tu nak tau what was on my mind when I created Roul, kan? Kan? Ahahahaha.

So aku senaraikan di sini. Sebenarnya bukanlah "inspire" aku, tapi senang kata, aku suka kesemua karakter ni sebab dia ada depth, as in psychological depth, bukan cam being like it "just because" (although dalam entry ni, tak semestinya aku akan buat psychological analysis for every character... sebab aku manusia yang malas). 

Anyway,...

Ini Top 10 Karakter Fiksyen/Filem (Lelaki) yang bagi aku adalah genius:

1. Rhett Butler
("Gone with the Wind")

Ya, aku suka Scarlett O'Hara, dan aku suka saingannya, Rhett Butler. Apa yang aku suka tentang Rhett bukanlah the whole package - bad boy, wealthy arsehole, rides a horse like a boss. Tapi sebab dia saja yang boleh control Scarlett's unexpected behaviour. Control in this sense bermaksud Rhett is a man who has experienced the world dan tahu bila masanya Scarlett buat sesuatu bersebab dan bila masanya she was just acting on her whims. And that can be said in regards to his views about everyone. Dia sorang saja yang rasa this whole war business merugikan dan the South tak ada sebarang strategi tapi sekadar ego yang dipupuk dek semangat 'ketuanan' (atau erti kata lainnya, "Southern Pride"). He's not cynical. He's just being logical. And the others hated him for his socially-marginalised views.

(Sebab tu setiap kali aku dengar member2 citer pasal semangat ketuanan Melayu, aku teringat pada Rhett Butler's heated exchange with the overzealous South fanatic, Charles Hamilton)

Dan aku suka the fact that in the end, he left Scarlett. It shows that Rhett bukan karakter jiwang yang akan buat apa saja demi mendapatkan perempuan yang sah-sah tak tahu menghargai apa yang dia ada. He left her not as a lesson to her, but as a lesson to himself, that his obsession with her passion is poisonous.

Of course aku suka when they were together, because they're such an evil tag team, tapi aku rasa tak ada apa yang lebih hebat berbanding the last part when he left her despite her love confession. It made GONE WITH THE WIND a better story, because then you realised that the story is not actually about Scarlett and Rhett. It's a story about the rise and fall of civilisation yang dipercantikkan dengan kewujudan dua karakter tu. It was the age of civil war. It doesn't want to dumb readers with happily ever afters. (Sebab tu aku sangat benci novel "Scarlett" yang ditulis oleh Alexandra Ripley, sebab she just destroyed all the meaning from GWTW with her annoying happily ever afters...)

Oh, dan jangan lupa his most iconic statement yang suatu masa dulu pernah jadi aku punya title blog...

2. Richard Harrow
(Boardwalk Empire")

Harrow bukan watak utama dalam siri HBO pasal era Prohibition ni. Tapi as soon as the producers masukkan wataknya dalam siri ni, aku terus cam,...Hell yeah! Played by Jack Huston, cucu kepada THE John Huston, the first episode yang dia muncul, lookin' all "Don't-look'at-me" and "I-am-already-dead-in-the-war", aku terus rasa that I will like his character.

First of all, Richard Harrow ada dua personaliti. No, walaupun topeng dan kecacatan muka dia tu ala Two-Face, dual personality yang aku maksudkan bukan macam Two-Face. Harrow is a ruthless assassin who just wants to be normal. The death of Angela beri impak yang lebih besar kepada dia berbanding kepada Jimmy, which is her own husband, sebab Angela was his 'normal'. He was not in love with her, but he loves her for how she treated him as if he was whole (pun intended). The same goes to his loyalty to Jimmy, the only guy yang bercakap dengan dia tanpa mintak dia explain kenapa muka dia macam tu, and the fact that Jimmy shares the same misery with him - that they both think they've already died in the war, and they're only living the remnants of a meaningless life, makes them closer together. And it was super-badass tengok these two guys destroying people who got in Nucky Thompson's way earlier in season 1.

So bila Jimmy mati and Harrow returns to the Darmody mansion dengan his whole arsenal dan tembak semua orang (dengan penuh bergaya, because he's Richard Harrow, bitch!) semata-mata untuk stay true to his promise to Angela and Jimmy and protect their son Tommy, aku depan TV cam, "Yeah, shoot em all! Shoot. Em. All!!"

(okay, perangai suruh tembak orang ni just untuk televisyen. Aku tak condone the use of weapon towards anybody, criminal or not).

3. Mr. Darcy
("Pride & Prejudice) 

Minat Mr. Darcy, oh sangat klise! Tapi I have to admit, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE was the only book yang boleh buat aku bangun pukul lima pagi just untuk baca what happen next. Tak ada buku lain. Not even GONE WITH THE WIND boleh buat aku bangun pukul lima pagi just untuk tahu what happened in the second act.

Dulu aku anggap Mr. Darcy adalah watak yang paling perfect dalam dunia, tapi itu aku ketika berusia awal 20-an. Masa awal 20-an, rupa paras, kekayaan, dan the whole "I will do anything for her" shit macam sangat dreamy. Tapi di era ini, era aku selalu sakit sendi, banyak bil nak dibayar dan ada metabolisme yang menurun (haih...), Mr. Darcy macam satu fantasy yang tak akan jadi kenyataan. Tapi aku still kena masukkan dia dalam senarai sebab I even dedicated a whole book for Mr. Darcy in my second novel, PLAIN JANE.

The reason is the same with everybody - he is dreamy, complicated, misunderstood, yada yada yada. Next!!

4. Michael Bluth
("Arrested Development")

Memang aneh untuk memasukkan watak Michael Bluth ke dalam senarai. Tapi aku tak kata ini senarai "lelaki idaman aku", just senarai karakter yang aku suka. Dan aku suka Michael Bluth (lakonan Jason Bateman) sebab dia ridiculous. He is adorable, yes... but ridiculous to boot.

I mean, he is a family man yang cuba nak satukan keluarganya tak kira betapa unworthy  dan selfish sekalipun keluarganya tu. Tapi dalam masa yang sama, Michael sendiri bukanlah manusia paling baik dalam dunia. He thought he is. He thought he is the saviour who can unite the family. But he actually does it for his own ego. He can't stand it when he was not the go-to guy atau bila anak dia lebih worship GOB or Lindsay. Dia nak ada say in everything and keep using the word, "I have sacrificed a lot for this family".

Michael Bluth is actually the epitome of almost everybody in the world who think that they're doing something good for others or sacrificing for the sake of others, tapi sebenarnya ada ketidakikhlasan di situ, usually when they feel hurt that they're under-appreciated. Have you ever felt like that? Then, congrats, you're a Michael Bluth. Are you saying you're not? Tahniah, you are in denial, which still makes you a Michael Bluth.

5. Michael Corleone
("The Godfather, 1, 2 & 3")

Setiap kali sebut nama Michael Corleone, mula la otak aku main lagu "Speak Softly Love"... which is actually theme song untuk Don Vito, dan bukan Michael. Masa mula-mula aku tengok THE GODFATHER, aku terlalu muda untuk memahami the fact that the whole story is about Michael, not Vito.

Michael, macam Richard Harrow, cuma nak kehidupan biasa with his beloved, Kay, which in Mafia book means 'fantasy life'. Dia tak nak jadi sebahagian daripada the whole Mafia family, and Don Corleone pun harap yang his most favourite son will not be a part of the "family business". Tapi he was thrust into the criminal life when his father was nearly killed by Sollozo. It's like, he didn't want to join the life of crime because of his father, but he finally joined in because of him. Very Greek tragedy, no?

So here's a normal guy who wants no violence, but had to be violent due to circumstances... and choice. A choice he regretted later, but a choice he can't turn away from. Which is so similar to another of my favourite male character:

6. Walter White
("Breaking Bad")

Walter White, not unlike Michael Corleone, is a non-violent man who has to finally resort to violence. Cuma bezanya, even Michael Corleone tak berniat nak masuk ke dunia jenayah. Tapi Walter, the 50 year-old chemistry genius yang end up jadi under-appreciated chemistry teacher due to his own pride and greed once upon a time, end up menjadi drug kingpin sebab dia tak tahu when to actually stop.

Well, of course he started because he was diagnosed with cancer and will die in two years, so dia tak nak burden his family with debt dengan cara mencari easy money menggunakan kepakarannya dalam chemistry to create the purest crystal meth ever. Tapi Walter White yang itu cuma nak dapatkan duit dengan pantas tanpa keluarganya tahu tentang penyakitnya ataupun aktiviti haramnya. Masalahnya, the world that Walter was forcing himself into is not the typical demand-supply, buy-sell world. The drug biz is a multi-layered criminal world yang melibatkan cartels, which means a lot of additional crimes, death and much more. And he can't get his money by being Walter White, the wimpy high school teacher. He has to play a new role, of a cunning conniving kingpin with the pseudonym Heisenberg.

Apa yang aku suka tentang Walter White adalah the fact that when you peel all the layers, adalah lelaki yang mengalami krisis pertengahan usia. Students dia tak pedulik dengan chemistry, bini dia queen control and sedang pregnant, dia ada two jobs untuk provide for his family and pay the medical bills for his son yang ada cerebral palsy, kawan baik dia di universiti dah berjaya jadi billionaire through the company yang he helped created and he even named, and now he is dying of cancer and may die as an insignificant man despite his actual talent and intelligence.

Tapi once he became "The One Who Knocks", dia lupa diri dan his pride and greed takes over. Tapi the "geniusness" of this character (played by Bryan Cranston of "Malcolm in the Middle" fame) ialah, anda tahu dia sebenarnya evil, selfish, ego, tamak, angkuh... tapi somehow you root for him, because you know how it feels to be unappreciated.

7. Michael Scofield
("Prison Break")

Ah, what is a list of top men without our darling Scofield, eyh? A frikken genius? Checked. Smooth-talker? Checked. Must be filthy rich being one of the best structural engineer around? Checked. Masuk penjara demi abang? Checked. Brooding much? Checked. Origami expert? Checked. Making low latent inhibition sexy? Checked. Menjadikan blueprint penjara seni tatu yang cantik? Checked. Deep blue eyes that you want to swim in? Checked.

Oh, tak payah cerita pasal Wentworth Miller gay atau tak. Itu isu lain. Kita bercakap tentang Scofield, dan bukan pelakon yang melakonkan watak Scofield. Scofield macam that one dude you hope to be with somehow cuz you know if something happens to you, he will do everything in his power to save you... and not in those cliched "Nah, aku beli syarikat ni so kau tak perlu dibuli lagi" sense, but more like, "See, I fake death and run into danger just to see you again..." ala-ala Shakespearean heroes.

I want to be all psychological about Scofield, but I just like him for all the obvious reasons, so macam pointless je nak pura-pura macam ada intelligent views about it. Ahahaha.

8. Sherlock Holmes

For obvious reasons, I will just say that I have all the Sherlock Holmes series, the book, I mean. That's how much love I have for the automaton of a man. People keep liking him for his less than interested view about the world. But to me, he is just an indifferent bastard who cares more about the how than the why.

Which is totally different than me, since I like to know why, before I even want to start to figure out the how.

9. Daryl Dixon
("The Walking Dead")

This is to show that I am a normal girl who does not only worship a 50 year-old crystal meth maker (macam Walter White) atau brooding half-faced assassin (macam Richard Harrow), but a normal woman who looks at Daryl Dixon and thinks, shit, I want one!

That crossbow, that bike, I mean, Daryl is his own video game character. In a way, he is like Michael Scofield. His brother is a goner, and yet he stays true to him. Dia yang hunts for food, dia yang ada weapon paling senyap dan efektif and he is not interested in the whole power struggles, sama ada antara Rick and Shane, atau Rick and the Governer. He's just minding his business like nobody's business.

I mean, kalau aku dalam Zombie Apocalypse, I want to be where he is. Macam lagu The Calling, "I'll go wherever you will go...."

10. Ustaz Ilyaz
("Dari Sujud ke Sujud")

Ini memang totally sebab character Ustaz Ilyas yang dibawak oleh Dude Harlino je, sebab dia nampak sangat meyakinkan sebagai seorang ustaz. Jalan cerita memang out. Aku rasa aku tengok sinetron ni hanya sebab Ustaz Ilyas dan Husna. Jalan cerita yang mengarut pasal the whole rape thing is just like, "What? You know there's an easy solution to the actual problem, right?"

It's not even Dude Harlino per say. I mean, I don't actually like his role as Shamsul Hadi in "Munajat Cinta". It's just that Ustaz Ilyas is familiar. It reminds you of your childhood and teenage years, bila ada ustaz muda mengajar kat sekolah and like, every girl in the school went totally nuts. Like, I remember there was this one ustaz... what was his name... but he was frikken gorgeous, and like, there were female students almost always in the teacher's room asking stuff yang konon2 tak faham masa dalam kelas. Or that ustaz when I was in UIA, not that good looking, but was quite popular with the girls that once a girl blocked me and went, "Ustaz, dah dengar lagu M.Nasir yang baru?" when I was right in the middle of answering his question about Heliocentrism or something (yeppp, nerd alert).

And Ustaz Ilyas reminds me of those ustazes (is that a correct plural?)... asatizes (dah jama' dalam Arab, nak plural english lagi... ish ish..)...in my growing up years. I mean, come on... you all go "Awwwweee....." bila dia sebut nama Husna dengan lemah lembut, kan? Kan? Kan?

And then when Dude goes back to his modern Dude Harlino look, you just want to go, "Duuude (as in duuuude, not Du-de), no. Go back to the pesantren look. It makes you YOU. Don't go back to the modern world. The modern world's an arse!"

Assholes 101 - Part I: Impatient drivers

From this day onwards, I will try to make one special segment called "Assholes 101", speaking to you all about the people that annoy the crap out of me.

And oh yes, though I did say that I will try to be a good human being that doesn't swear a lot and using the F-word, C-word, B-word (I don't even know why the B-word is considered a bad word. Just don't eat it, you don't need to cuss it) and the whole alphabetical.... thing... word... (huh?).
But if there are words that I will never promise not to use, they would be:

a. Asshole
b. Douchebag
c. Incomprehensive arse

I love those words. Fullstop.

But anyway. The first asshole I want to talk about is the kind of assholes that caused this:

No, I don't mean the video guy. I am talking about these:

Might I inform you that the correct lane is the left one...

No, not just the two cars (aku malas nak kaburkan nombor plet diorang). But the whole lot in front and behind them. You see, the Kuala Pilah - Ulu Bendul road is actually what we call jalan kampung. Which also means that it has only two lanes going for two opposite direction. And for people coming from, let's say, Sri Menanti (like moi), we don't have any other road but this one. It's either that, or we have to surrender to a verrry verrry long journey using the other road.

So, it is normal for bad traffic when the festive season arrives. It has been that way for the past, I don't know, 60 years? Let's not rant about what the Negeri Sembilan state government has been doing and just focus on the micro. Us.

People. just. got. to. be. patient. 

The two photos that I took (because we were freaking mad inside the car), depict the cars in the wrong lane - impatient people who are using the opposite lane to cut the existing traffic. What's wrong in this picture is not just the fact that the road only has two lanes and they are simply cutting off the road for the opposite traffic, but they have also obstructed the ambulance, fire truck and the tow truck from coming and going.

Not like they didn't see or hear those nenong nenong sound, which of course indicate that there is trouble in front. Normal people with good hearing and sense would know that the sound and the inevitable red truck with the word BOMBA in lopsided spelling means there is something bad that has been delaying others.

I mean, what is wrong about waiting? I know it has been two hours. But as far as I am concerned, if you are stuck in traffic for more than two hours, all you have to do is just turn back. Or if it doesn't move at all, ask one of your passenger to get out, and try to find what the issue is and find the solution from there onwards. Cutting the line is just asshole-ish (that's not a word), ESPECIALLY when the accident (in this case, involving a white Kelisa, a cement truck and two Aerobacks, resulting in eight injuries and one death) happened BECAUSE one of the car (in this case, allegedly the Kelisa) tried to cut the line and couldn't avoid the incoming truck, causing the truck to lose control and hit the two Aerobacks. 

It's like, you are seeing the consequence of being impatient just in front of you while you are doing the same thing. It's moronic.

Here's the thing. When I told people that I don't want to get a driving license because I don't believe that I will be a good driver, people kept telling me, "Oh no, you need one. All you need is practice. I was bad at first too". But most people are actually bad drivers who cut lines, who would speed up and cut several lanes because they were on the wrong one, and making u-turns at traffic lights. What is the problem of me trying to avoid being a nuisance on the road? I know my full potential and my thought processes. They are not good for the longevity of mankind!!!

There was a comedian who said that people who failed their driving test more than three times should not be given another chance. And somehow I think it's true. I mean, I even believed that drivers should not only take driving license but psychological tests. There are lots of crazy people on the road, I mean like:

1. Women putting make-up while on the road

(Seriously? Your beauty is more important than others' safety?)

2. Line-cutters

(You will not explode into tiny bits even if you wait a little)

3. Signal seniles

(The signal sticks are there for a reason, you know)

4. The cussing crap-asses

(Yes, there are people who drive stupidly, but you don't have to call them by their reproductive system)

...and my most favourite one of all: THE CHALLENGER

Those people who, upon being wronged by another driver, thinks that "Hey, I will now follow you closely and chase your tail and make threatening sounds with my car because in my head that's so intimidating and all."

Forgive and forget, will you? Why would you even want to follow them, make them only the more anxious and cause another accident, o you incomprehensive arse? Stop it. You won't win any Noble Prize in doing so. 

Assholes...

    

Read the accident news -> HERE

I would also like to express my condolences to the family of Allahyarham Rahmat Jamaludin, the man who was victimised by others' lack of tolerance and bad decision, be it the person who made the choice to cut the line that resulted in the accident that took his innocent life, or the other line cutters - who slowed down the rescue team that were trying to save him and his family.

A monologue

Bila orang lain buat benda pelik, semua sedara mara aku hairan. Tapi kalau aku buat benda pelik, dia orang kata, "Biasalah kakngah ko tu."

Adik aku suka kata, "Kakngah punya kawan pelik-pelik", while kawan-kawan aku kata, "Kau yang suka kawan dengan orang pelik-pelik."

Masa dekat sekolah, kalau aku cakap sesuatu, Ustazah Ann Surina akan kata, "Ada-ada jelah kamu ni, Syahida!"

While Ustaz Nasser di Matrics UIA pernah suruh aku duduk depan dia and told me, "You have a certain style, Syahida. You just don't know it."

Editor aku kat CO pernah ping aku kat MSN Messenger and kata, "Wow, you are more drama than me!"

While kawan-kawan baik aku, especially Mun dan Nad, percaya yang aku memang tak berapa nak 'normal' berbanding orang lain.

Mungkin itu yang menjadikan aku seorang novelis. Jangan salah faham. Bukan maksud aku orang normal tak boleh jadi novelis. Boleh. Maksud aku ialah, orang normal boleh jadi novelis dan benda lain. Orang pelik cuma sesuai jadi novelis.

Sebenarnya sampai sekarang aku tak tahu apa yang menjadikan aku 'pelik'. Mungkin sense of humour aku. Mungkin benda remeh pada orang lain yang aku ambik serius (like how I hate malt drinks and think it's just intentional for them to make it look like beer. What's the problem of designing a less ambiguous design rather than having the same font and shape like a beer?)... atau benda serius pada orang yang aku amik remeh (to tell you the truth, I still think Alvivi's recent action was just a joke-gone-wrong rather than a-slap-to-Muslim's-face).

Mungkin sebenarnya aku tak pelik. Mungkin aku cuma duduk di negara yang salah. Mungkin di UK, atau Uganda, atau Cuba, atau Australia, cara aku berfikir ini normal. 

Mungkin aku dikelilingi kawan-kawan yang sama anehnya sebab kami kekurangan orang yang berfikir dengan cara yang sama. Mungkin kami normal, dan orang lain yang pelik.

Jika ditanya apa yang pelik sangat, aku tak tahu apa nak jawab. Adakah cuba berinteraksi dengan kucing dengan cara duduk seperti kucing dan menghabiskan masa selama lima minit merenung mata kucing itu dikira pelik? Kalau itu pelik, ya aku pelik.

Adakah berfikir tentang keajaiban alam dengan cara membuat analisa tentang tahi keras dan tahi cair itu satu kepelikan? Jika itu pelik, ya aku pelik.

Adakah  keengganan membeli beg tangan yang nilainya lebih tinggi dari isi dompet itu dianggap pelik? Kalau ya, maka aku pelik.

Adakah memilih untuk menterjemah maksud "Forgive and Forget" secara harfiah, lalu memaafkan seseorang dan berpura-pura seperti insan tersebut tidak wujud lagi dikira satu kepelikan? Jika itu pelik, maka aku pelik.

Mungkin aku terlalu banyak berfikir. Mungkin tindakan berfikir lebih lanjut tentang isu ini menunjukkan aku tidak pelik. Mungkin orang akan salah sangka yang aku anggap 'pelik' itu satu pujian. Mungkin orang fikir aku cuma mahu distinguish diri aku sebagai insan yang berbeza dari orang lain. Mungkin aku perasan.

But I wish I was normal. I wish I get angry at Alvivi, or buys Prada without thinking, or just met any guy who wishes to meet me, or wake up every morning knowing what to do and sleep at night thinking I just did what I had to do today and I will do it again tomorrow, or buy a house when the price goes down, or drive a car, laugh when I feel like it, cry when I feel sad, listen to other people, write what others want, think about weddings and kids names, enjoy the moment, eat, pray, love.

But I can't. Semua harus ada makna dan tidak ada makna dalam masa yang sama.

Mungkin kerana itu mereka kata aku pelik. 

THE SELF-OBSESSED TRIVIA 6: Things you should know about 3 HATI

After much persuasion, we finally have it!

* Sebenarnya kitorang bagi banyak pilihan tajuk kepada editor, like "Trenologi", "Madchen & Madness", etc etc. In the end, editor pilih 3 HATI.

* Buku ni diedit oleh Encik Mohd Ali. First time for NS, but since Liza n Zara memang biasanya diedit En. Ali, so secara tak langsung, En. Ali edit NS punya sekali. Although En. Ali yang found NS and took NS under his wings, actually novel NS tak pernah En. Ali yang edit (selama ni editor NS adalah Sue, Che Echah, Anis n Poja).

* Our beloved Ms. Syreen yang buat cover novel. Memula kitorang mintak three girls in the train, to signify the only time the three of them met each other, tapi sebab ada protocols and trademark BP kena stick to, so dapat kasut. But we still got the polkadots we wanted so much. Yay.

* The inspiration we got to write together and actually bincangkan the whole plot adalah masa meeting Grup Buku Karangkraf. Orang semua pergi makan, kitorang lepak dalam audi bincang pasal jalan citer. That was in... 2010? 2011?

Liza Nur on Lea

1) Kisah lembu terbabit dalam drama Lea dan Noah masa kecik...lembu juga ada dalam Panggil Aku Kiah sebab Liza pernah bercita-cita untuk menjadi penternak lembu semasa kecik...

2) Sebab kami bertiga nak wujudkan karektor yang personaliti yang berbeza, Liza terpaksa ambil watak yang paling lembut hati sekali...takkanlah nak tulis semua heroin yang balas dendam, kan? Kena la variasikan...

3) Ada banyak maksud tersirat dalam Lea... Trimas kepada yang sudi menelaah maksudnya... bagi yang tidak suka juga, terima kasih kerana membuatkan kaki Liza sentiasa berpijak di bumi...InsyaAllah, akan berusaha lagi di masa depan...

4) Kenapa Liza namakan hero Liza, Noah? Liza pun tak tau. Ia terjadi secara random... Liza cuba turutkan kemahuan pembaca yang merasakan nama-nama watak novel Liza terdahulu terlalu panjang...

5) Liza tau Lea watak yang sadis... Bagi Liza, menghidupkan satu watak begitu adalah satu cabaran..Kalau anda merasakan Lea ‘menyedihkan’ sebab sayang gila kat Imran dan sangat melodramatik, maknanya Liza telah berjaya memenuhi misi Liza dalam menghidupkan karektor Lea dan mengalunkan kisah ini dalam 3 Hati...

Nurul Syahida on Wulan

1. While Lea's story is about heartbreak, acceptance dan epiphany, Wulan's story is about revenge and karma. More towards her break from auto-pilot lifestyle to actually understanding what she wants in life rather than who she ends up with.

2. Nama Wulan aku gunakan sebab aku memang sejak dulu aku suka nama tu. It is so nusantara. And aku memang suka kisah cinta Jaka dan the angel Nawangwulan, especially the part where the relationship between the two is full of deception. Nawangwulan sangka dia jatuh cinta pada manusia yang selamatkan dia, without knowing that Jaka was the one yang halang dia dari kembali ke dunianya by stealing her selendang. Meanwhile, nama Neal aku amik dari that divorce lawyer, Neal Hersh masa aku tengah buat artikel pasal perceraian di Hollywood... dan Henry pulak... I just like the name Henry. It's so.... Henry? Oh, dan Wai Ting, kawan baik Wulan di ofis pulak sebenarnya nama sebenar former intern masa aku kerja CO who is now a journalist kat NST.

3. Lagu "On the Street Where You Live" adalah antara lagu muzikal dari filem/teater "My Fair Lady" yang aku sangat sangat sangat suka. Aku memang sangat nak masukkan lagu tu somewhere to tell people how I frikken love it (the simple lyrics, the beautiful melody, the "awwww" factor) and hope that they love it too as much as I do. So,...

4. Why Kota Kinabalu? Sebab when I was at my lowest, the lowest point of my life in 2010, my best friend Tim bought me a ticket to Kota Kinabalu. Aku selalu rasa those movies where you go away for a vacation changes you tu macam sangat klise, but it did change me. If you ask my friends, who I was before KK and after KK adalah sangat berbeza. After KK, I seemed to be able to cope with stress better. Kota Kinabalu was a turning point for me. So I made it a turning point for Wulan too. 

5. Aku jadikan stress ball permulaan kisah sebab masa aku menulis Wulan, ada stress ball kat sebelah aku. Masa aku mula-mula kerja dulu, aku diberi work station. While getting used to the place, aku bukak laci dan jumpa stress ball tu. Mungkin ditinggalkan oleh the person before me. Setiap kali aku ramas stress ball tu bila aku stress (stress call manager artis tapi tak angkat, stress kena pergi event masa ko takde mood langsung nak interview orang, stress kena buat mcm2 jenis kerja sekalipun ko kerja editorial), aku terfikir, adakah orang sebelum aku jugak meramas stress ball ini dan fikir benda yang sama yang aku fikir? Bila aku berenti kerja, unlike Wulan, aku bawak balik stress ball tu ke rumah dan it kept me company while I was writing about Wulan and her own stress ball.

Anyway, small explanation pasal Neal dalam 3HATI and his playbook. I've read some comments saying that Neal was plagiarised from Barney Stinson of "HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER". Though I admit that certain characteristics of Barney ada dalam Neal, you have to understand one thing - All. Players. Are. Like. That. The ones I spoken to during my interview for the book have similar characteristics, and they exist even before Barney was televised. They like shock values, they like surprises, they're not really into candle light dinners (those are amateur wannabe player). They all have the same dream of publishing their own playbook. Sorry if you think I am plagiarising a character from a sitcom. My friend Adrian will be pissed if you compare him to Barney again. Ahahaha...

Zara Amani on Nini

1. Nama Nini dan Acik ni sebenarnya nama kawan ZA yang telah menuntut nama masing-masing diwartakan dalam mana-mana karya ZA. Makanya, Fatin Zubir and Achik Ashraf, belajar rajin-rajin. Wedding gua nanti datang eh. Haha... Watak dalam cerita ni langsung tak sama dengan empunya diri. ZA pakai nama je without prejudice. Watak adalah rekaan ikut suka semata-mata.

2. ZA cuba menerapkan elemen kejujuran dalam setiap tindak tanduk kita. Antara sedar atau tak, ramai antara kita yang takut berlaku jujur sebab nak menjaga hati dan terlebih jujur sebab juga nak menjaga hati. Hmm.. ZA personally tak setuju dengan dua-dua tu. Kita mesti jujur untuk satu perkara yang kita tidak akan kita sekali-sekali kesalkan. Itu prinsip ZA.

3. Kisah payung terjun dalam tu sebab waktu tu memang gila buat payung terjun dan nama-nama watak dalam tu 98% adalah benar mengikut perangai masing-masing. Pendek kata, cerita tu adalah dedikasi untuk kawan-kawan yang menceriakan ZA sepanjang tahun 2011/2012.

4. Nini ditunjukkan sebagai gadis yang tabah dan merasakan dia mampu berdiri sendiri tanpa sesiapa. Tapi hakikatnya, dia tidak mampu hidup bersendirian seperti yang termaktub dalam firman Allah swt, lelaki dan wanita itu diciptakan berpasang-pasangan. Dalam cerita Nini dan Achik, Nini bertindak menjadi Mars manakala Achik yang lebih mellow menjadi Venus.

5. Nini cuba diterapkan sebagai seorang yang berani membuat keputusan sendiri biar pun dunia membangkang sekerasnya. Yang dia akan kesalkan adalah jika dia tidak berterus terang sekiranya dia mempunyai peluang. Betul atau salah, kita hanya tau jika kita mengambil langkah untuk ambil tahu. Kalau betul, alhamdullillah. Kalau salah, kita belajar. Jangan takut mengambil risiko. Bangkit jika kita jatuh. Jangan takut orang mengata. Masuk cerita Asyraf Muslim kahwin kat Thailand lenyaplah gosip-gosip sebelumnya itu. Yang penting, kita tak ada apa nak dikesalkan.

Realiti hari ini, ramai gadis atau wanita yang menjadi Mars kerana status lelaki berkualiti yang kurang. Tetapi semakin lama ZA perhatikan... Wanita adalah Mars... banyak menyumbang pada masalah sosial. Bila dikenangkan balik.. Allah itu sememangnya Maha Adil lagi Maha Mengetahui. Next novel, kite revise balik pemikiran macam tu. ;)

Untuk mendapatkan 3 HATI, anda boleh membuat pembelian di --> ARRAZI.

**To check out previous trivias untuk buku-buku lain, click SEKOLAH BANYAK PENUNGGU, VALENTINA NERVOSA, AKU KAN NOVELIS, PLAIN JANE, dan SOALNYA HATI.

THE SELF-OBSESSED TRIVIA 5: Things you should know about SEKOLAH BANYAK PENUNGGU

Hey, it's back! My annoying trivia, I mean. Sebenarnya aku nak start on 3 HATI dulu, tapi sebab aku kena tunggu Zara Amani dan Liza Nur sediakan their part of the trivia (which I bet will take like... ages...knowing those two... ahahahahah), I decided to start with this one first. Lagipun, befitting jugakla memandangkan SBP keluar dulu sebelum 3 HATI, although betapa susahnya korang nak jumpa buku ni kat kedai seolah-olah macam buku ni keluar tahun 2005, kan?

1. Mari kita mulakan dari awal. Watak-watak utama: Dinie adalah kawan baik aku, Dot tu nama biasa untuk budak-budak asrama dan Shikin was the same. Kak Ummi memang kakak senior masa aku duk asrama dulu although Kak Ummi sebenar sangat tidak sama dengan Kak Ummi dalam SBP. Kak Nad pulak? I just took the name of my bestfriend Nad. Pun berbeza dengan Nad yang sebenar.

Buku ni ditulis pada tahun 2011 sebenarnya, dan dihantar pada 2012. Tapi hanya dikeluarkan pada tahun 2013.

2. Kebanyakan nama watak dalam SBP aku amik dari nama those people that I know yang sama-sama mengharungi kepayahan hidup di asrama. Like Asyran dan Pailang (senior sekolah aku), Fatim, Mas, Deq Nor, Jenet, Anor, Siet, Haza, Ema, Sha, Cikgu Zul, Cikgu Shana (which is actually senior aku, bukan cikgu). Malah dalam cerita tu ada bab Hanis usik Fatim dan kata dia anak murid kesayangan Ustaz Adnan. In reality, kawan baik aku Fatimah married her teaching colleague, Ustaz Adnan.

Zaman sekolah once upon a time

3. Kisah hantu yang pertama merupakan urban legend sekolah berasrama yang paling popular zaman aku. Aku mix it together dengan satu lagi kisah senior sekolah yang nyanyi lagu Fauziah Latif masa tengah berus gigi when suddenly he saw "Fauziah Latiff" kat cermin singki sebelah. It is also a part of story dari seorang member, Husna yang belajar di SMAKL. The thing with the pipes opening one by one? She experienced that. 

4. Kisah hantu kedua merupakan cerita tak benar. Sebenarnya aku nak buat cerita pasal satu kisah yang diceritakan warden asrama kitorang once upon a time. Sama ada kisah ni benar atau tak, aku tataula. Tapi it's about this one boy yang malas pergi solat Jumaat dan sembunyik dalam loker. Dia mintak member dia tu tolong manggakan loker tu (for a more realistic effect) dan bukak lepas budak tu balik solat jumaat. Malangnya, kawan dia lupa bukak dan since it's the same day bebudak asrama balik untuk cuti semester, he was left inside the locker and died of suffocation and hunger. It was one of the most horrific tales I have ever heard, but I changed it a bit untuk jadikan cerita tragic yang penting untuk plot buku. 

5. Cerita hantu ketiga, kisah pocong tu adalah exaggeration from a true story. Masa aku form four (or form three? tak ingat), asrama aku takde air so we had to go and take a bath kat tandas sekolah. Masa nak balik tu, ada plak mamat sekor ni panjat bumbung dewan makan dan pretend to be pocong. Although aku balik lebih awal ke bilik, it was told later that ada another one lurking behind the fake ghost. 

Meanwhile, senior aku Asyran buat permintaan untuk aku jadikan dia hero novel. Memandangkan aku tak ada novel terbaru masa tu, aku jadikan dia watak utama dalam cerita ketiga tu. In actuality, sekalipun there is a real Asyran, he was not the real fake ghost in the story. Aku rasa fake ghost dalam kisah sebenar adalah seorang junior bawah batch aku.

6.  Kisah keempat adalah gabungan cerita urban legend pasal nenek yang paling popular kat asrama, dan kisah yang berlaku pada kawan-kawan aku one night masa tengah sambut birthday party belakang bangunan asrama. Malah aku gunakan actual setting (blok asrama, jalan kecil menuju ke tong sampah besar, menghadap gelanggang sepak takraw dan bola tampar). Sha, Ema dan Haza were actual friends in reality. Masa kat sekolah aku anggap diorang ni macam the "reggae type" you usually have in Hollywood high school cliches - the cool collected people yang tak pedulik dengan the whole school politics and just doing their thing, and you always wanted to be them but know you couldn't becaue you're too kiasu.

Actual location. The pink building adalah asrama puteri kitorang tapi dulu warnanya putih. Jalan kecil menuju ke tong sampah besar dan ada gelanggang bola tampar opposite asrama. Tapi dulu tak ada bangunan kat bahagian belakang itu. It was jalan mati yang end with tong sampah besar. Belakangnya was just rugged terrain yang menghijau leading to ladang kelapa sawit. 

7. Kisah kelima adalah kisah yang diceritakan kepada aku oleh member UIA aku, Iza. Aku kekurangan idea (ada banyak cerita yang aku masih simpan just in case publisher mintak sequel), so aku sangat desperate untuk cerita orang lain dan dia beritahu aku pasal this one story tentang seorang budak perempuan dan tangga. It was a perfect story. And the part about lagu "Islam yang telah berkembang" tu daripada satu lagi kisah yang aku dengar dari senior aku. Bila bangunan asrama senyap, any sound will echo throughout the building. So if you sang the song dengan nada sayu, memang serius meremang bulu roma.

8. Cerita terakhir tu diambil from satu lagi cerita hantu yang aku pernah dengar. Kenapa aku letak cerita yang aku pernah dengar instead of things yang berlaku pada diri aku sendiri? Sebab: 1. I am keeping some of the stories for other time, 2. You have to exaggerate the stories. Sengeri mana pun benda yang anda pernah alami, it's not solid enough for a book. Seeing something moving in the dark is scary, but to make it scarier, you must enhance the setting. 

9. SBP asal-usulnya adalah cadangan filem yang aku hantar ke GBSB. Aku buat sebab masa tu langsung takde novel/filem seram kisah benar pasal asrama. I mean, ada la satu dua, but as someone yang pernah duduk dan alami sendiri few horror experience, it was not enough. It was not real enough. It was too fantastical and balik-balik citer hantu Jepun atau some sort of devil worshipping. I wanted to watch something that can make me say, "That happened in my hostel before!" but nothing like that ever came up, sedangkan BANYAK GILEEE urban legend that involves asrama. So aku decide untuk makde it myself. Tapi disebabkan pihak penerbit nak cerita hantu komedi ikut trend macam Hantu Rempit, while I, the writer who hates trend the most, refuse to do it, aku ubah jadi novel remaja instead. 

Untuk membeli SEKOLAH BANYAK PENUNGGU, sila dapatkan di ARRAZI. Setiap pembelian akan diberikan tandatangan dan ucapan khas dari saya (kalau nak. Kalau tak nak pun okey jerr, ai tak kisah punyerrrr :P)

**To check out previous trivias untuk buku-buku lain, click VALENTINA NERVOSA, AKU KAN NOVELIS, PLAIN JANE, dan SOALNYA HATI.

Dan kenapa aku tak suka berjaga malam...

Aku tak berjaga malam.

Maksud aku, aku dah lama tak berjaga malam. Kalau pun nak solat malam (ayat ni bukan ayat cam nak tunjuk alim, sebab God knows how many times niat solat malam dengan actual solat malam tu acually berlaku), usually aku tidur dan bangun semula. Aku tak biar diri sendiri berjaga malam dan tunggu waktunya.

Tapi in Ramadhan, it bound to happen. You can't really sleep. You toss and turn and cuss yourself for accidentally dozing off between Maghrib and Isyak, and cuss the delicious spaghetti meatball you had for iftar that made you sleepy in the first place. So finally you turn on your laptop and you wait.

You wait.

For what? For that one idea to pop up into your head.

Tapi usually you end up staring into nothingness, far beyond the pixels and the screen light that is not good for your eyes, and your mind goes elsewhere.

Then the idea comes. Like a distant voice. A memory. Slowly and quietly, and then turned into this whole visual in front of you. Not actually in front of you, but like it was in your eyes, in your mind's eyes.

Aku tak suka menulis pada waktu tengah malam. Semuanya rasa terlalu real. Menulis pada waktu malam terasa seolah-olah menulis dari memori sendiri rather than something you heard before or a projection of your mind. Words come swiftly. Emotion runs high. Thoughts process.

Menulis "Ilham Aziza" adalah mengingatkan aku tentang zaman persekolahan. Zaman persekolahan aku sangat idealistik. Sangat hitam dan putih. Ini halal dan ini haram. Ini pahala dan ini dosa. Tak sama macam UIA. UIA ajar aku grey area. Tak sama macam kerja di CO. Kerja di CO membuatkan aku terpaksa back to basics.

For those who never heard the story... "Ilham Aziza" merupakan karya yang aku tulis masa berumur 16 tahun. Masa tu SMKAKS punya peraturan sangat ketat to the extent that you can't bring novels in, especially time tu memang cerita semua spesis jiwang karat tahap ajar orang kahwin lari punya level. So you survive with your own entertainment.

"Ilham Aziza" was the entertainment for my friends. It was a love story yang semua orang tahu just dengan baca tajuknya. Tapi Ilham Aziza berakarkan SMKA. Watak Ilham dan Aziza adalah perjalanan hidup aku sebagai budak sekolah agama, yang masuk Universiti Islam dan kemudiannya terperangkap dalam dunia pekerjaan di mana apa yang aku belajar tak penting, tapi apa yang aku dapat dari semua ilmu tu akan jadi taruhannya.

Aku selalu cakap, SMKAKS is the closest to my heart. I spent five years away from home during the most important years of my life dan habiskan di sana. Walaupun ibu bapa aku yang sediakan acuan aku, UIA yang mewarnakan aku dan CO yang membakar aku (to a point kengkadang jadi hangit), SMKAKS yang mould aku. Jadi bila aku kata karya baru aku adalah tribute aku kepada kehidupan di SMKA, it means that it's my heart and soul.

My heart and soul yang dikejutkan dengan suara bacaan Quran, yang menyarung seragam sekolah dengan tudung labuh, anak tudung, setokin, baju dalam, kain dalam, pin peniti, kad matrik, nametag. Yang belajar Bahasa Arab dan Al-Quran & Sunnah, Syariah. Yang solat berjemaah dan pengisian kuliyah maghrib. Yang boleh berdiri depan orang ramai dan bagi tazkirah selama lima minit dengan yakin. Yang hafal Surah Al-Mulk dan ada dalil dalam percakapan. Hati dan jiwa yang tidak tercemar dengan realiti kehidupan.

Aku tak suka berjaga malam.

Berjaga malam buat aku mengenang zaman silam.  

Signing Session

See you there ^^

The awkward moment when you have not updated your blog for a month...

Maafkan aku kerana dahlama sangat tak menulis dalam blog. Dah beberapa kali aku cuba nak menulis, tapi disebabkan kerja yang bertimbun, akhirnya aku tinggalkan je. I mean, if your daily life begins with writing and ends with writing, you kinda feel a bit lagging when you have to write something that paid no money.

Anywaysss...

Lots of things happen sementara aku off dari blogging sebulan lebih ni.

1. I went to see NYONYA, the theatre
Pergi pun sebab kitorang dapat potongan 70% from the original price seat belakang VIP. Dinie pulak tak pernah lagi pergi Istana Budaya sebab asyik busy memanjang, so we went to see it. I have to admit that although I really liked the storyline and the interaction between Nyonya dan Tuan (played by Mardiana Alwi and Taiyuddin Bakar) yang filled with innuendos, performance diorang overshadowed by the comic relief yang datang dari Amy Mastura, Farah Fauzana, Misha Omar dan Kiah Propa.

I have to admit, sometimes they brought the laughter to the performance, tapi adakalanya lawak tu berlebihan dan aku rasa macam, if I am a serious theatre-goer who actually paid RM180 (instead of the discount), I would hate this kind of performance and stage production yang ruin the aesthetic of Allahyarham Pak Wisran Hadi's work.But since I paid only RM50, I just let it go.

Oh, and there is also performance dari Anuar Zain. Dua lagu je. And I am not a fan of Anuar Zain anyway, so.... But aku agak trkejutlah dengan the whole screaming and shrieking yang going around the hall bila Anuar turun pentas to greet people. Aku, Mun and Dinie cam... "Really? It's just Anuar Zain for God sake. You can see him having lunch at seksyen 9 Shah Alam any other day."

2. Morsi jatuh
To tell you the truth, I don't really pay much attention to that one particular Arab Spring in Egypt. I mean, if you learn about Egyptian politics, you would know berapa kali Mesir dijajah in the course of its existence. Politik Mesir memang sentiasa berubah. And if you remember what happened with Turkey and Erdogan, this is actually... normal? Should I say normal? I mean, in Middle-Eastern/African sense, not Southeast-Asian/Malaysian sense.

Tapi satu je yang aku sesalkan. Sikap orang Malaysia terhadap Arab Spring. Banyak bisik-bisik dalam FB sana sini cakap pasal the waste of demonstration and public rallies in establishing something. I mean, I am not the kind who speak of change atau penggulingan kerajaan and whatnot, with my passive aggressive attitude. Aku lebih suka look from many sides (although kadang2 aku nampak macam berat sebelah, tapi itu disebabkan some sides don't even give any facts right and speak like emotional morons, excuse mi French). Aku cuma rasa ini cara pemikiran yang sangat negatif.

You can't expect change to work in just a year. It's a continuous process. Sometimes it can't happen in your lifetime, but it doesn't mean you should not be the agent of change. Study your theory of civilisation. Study Francis Fukuyama. Study Malik Bennabi and Ibnu Rushd. Heck, paling tidak pun, read George Orwell's "Nineteen Eighty-four". Rom is not build in a day. This whole "takde apa2 perubahan dari demonstrasi" is in the line of "Buat apa aku nak study beria-ia? Aku memang tak pandai" atau "Ala, dah ada kerja pun dah okay. Bersyukurlah dengan apa yang ada"... which is totally out from ajaran Islam dan merupakan interpretation yang salah tentang "bersyukur".

I mean, kalau Rasulullah dulu kata, "Tak apa la. Bersyukurlah ada pengikut sikit2 kat rumah Arqam bin Abi Al-Arqam ni, tak payahlah kita nak buat open dakwah..." we all be prayin to Latta dan Uzza like the Quraishis right now. Menidakkan such public process adalah seperti menidakkan part and parcel of legitimacy dan governing. It's like saying, "I have a pair of eyes, a nose, a mouth and a pair of ears. I can breathe but I am against heavy breathing", or "I can see but I am against viewing", or "I can speak but I am against stressing my words" or "I can hear but I am against listening."

Yes, you love peace. Everybody loves peace. But name me one effort for peace that bears no casualty. Just one. Of course, things could've gone better, but hey, if the world is that easy to live in, it means that we're all robots.

Again, I am not talking about demonstration di Malaysia. I am just sayin, sesetengah dari kita ni suka nak mengkritik dan mempersenda rather than berusaha melakukan sesuatu.

Suatu masa dulu, aku dan kawan2 menang kat High Court. Masuk Court of Appeal, the judges tolak kemenangan kitorang and kata it was our fault that the business takde lesen eventhough lesen tu kena datang dari induk. So our lawyer tanya, "My clients knew this is wrong so they went to court. So what you're saying is that (I paraphrase), my clients are screwed for following the laws?", and the judge tak cakap apa-apa, which is another slang for, "Yeah they are."

Heck, if I can create public rallies and demonstration just for that ruling, memang dah lama aku buat. Tak semestinya supaya that kind of stupid ruling and stupid Court of Appeal system dibubarkan (I mean, seriously? Aku pergi high court bawak evidences, bawak witnesses, habiskan three days for perbicaraan dan menang atas semua usaha tu, and semua tu musnah with just two hours talk kat Mahkamah Rayuan? What kind of judicial shit is this?), tapi supaya tiga judges bangang tu tahu secara public, broadcasting, narrowcasting dan online, bahawasanya I am not forgiving them sampai ke akhirat esok.

 3. Aku dah siapkan AKN2
Adalah sangat susah untuk siapkan AKN2. Ya, aku tahu dulu aku kata bringing Roul dan Safi back adalah sangat mudah. Tapi bila aku actually have to do it, and fikir dari sudut Safiah dan Roul, aku sedar ia tak semudah itu lagi. I mean, masa mula-mula aku menulis AKU KAN NOVELIS, masa tu umur aku baru 25 going on 26. Sekarang aku dah 30 dan in the course of that five years, a lot of things happened dan dah mengubah cara aku berfikir. Life is not as easy as finding the one and marry him, do this and this to get people to notice you, make this or that business and you will succees.

No, at 30, you kind of understand things like:
1. Bad boys don't change that easily
2. When you hate a guy, you hate a guy. You go, "Oh my Goodness, I F*****G hate him", dan bukan "Eiiii... benci benci benci!".
3. Marriage doesn't mean terus ada anak if you want anak
4. Guys who love you so much don't do things or say things like, "Saya akan buat apa saja untuk awak".
5. Rich guys don't just went somewhere, saw a plain girl and went "I am in love with her". Take Kate Middleton for example. Yes, she was a commoner, but see where her mother sent her to study?

So, yes, I have been more and more skeptical about cara pengolahan novel. While ramai yang kata "Tapi ini novel je" dan "Orang baca novel untuk escape to fantasy world"... aku cam, okay, but then there are a lot of other novels where you can escape to. Why can't I be the place where they learn that instead of escaping their mundane life, they realise that it is not wrong to live a mundane life.

Hidup yang membosankan tu mungkin bosan pada diorang, tapi mungkin drama bagi orang lain yang tengok dari kaca mata luar. I mean, contohnya, aku rasa hidup aku mundane. Tapi ramai member2 aku rasa I have an exciting life of meeting readers and being called a writer. My friend Rabi mungkin rasa hidup dia boring, filled with research and PhD paper, tapi aku rasa hidup dia best dari aku, because she is doing what I always wanted to do but lack of ability/not courageous enough to do so. And you might think every other girl would be jealous of Kate Middleton (aku tatau kenapa tema hari ni mesti Kate Middleton), but not me. I would rather switch places with Rabi, than Kate. Oh the responsibility that girl has to bear on that pretty little shoulder of hers, the constant observation by the public and the paparazzi, the unnecessary haters, the paranoia of making sure your husband is loyal when women threw themselves at him left and right... goodness gracious!

So rather than running away from that life to the world of fantasy where rich guys are hunks with sexual capacity of a Greek god and are madly in love with women with no sense of style, why not emphasise on the great quality of your average joes who work hard, who have a good heart, whose quality is in the eyes of the beholder? Why should I memperhebat lagi lelaki kaya yang dah cukup hebat?

But then again, it's AKN. Aku cuba jugak untuk go against my natural instinct, sebab setiap karakter dah ada basic storyline dan chaacteristics yang aku tak boleh change overnight. Dan readers dah kenal, malah ada yang lebih kenal Roul dan Safi berbanding aku, so kalau aku ubah sifat2 watak dalam AKN, itu macam a kind of disrespect terhadap readers.

Nanti bila editor dah boleh confirm sama ada diorang akan print the story (oh ye, jangan ingat sebab aku dah tulis, it means diorang akan terus print membabi buta... ekekekeke... ye, saya juga ngeri memikirkannyee), aku akan masukkan beberapa chapters dalam page ILHAM Karangkraf, atau dalam blog ni, atau kedua-duanya sekali.

Insyaa-Allah, aku akan cuba jawab few emails dan FB pm, as well as soalan2 dalam blog ni yang masih tak berjawab in a few days. I am so deeply sorry sebab tak dapat reply sekarang, sebab kerja masih bertimbun-timbun mintak disiapkan, sampai banyak benda kat blog ni yang perlu diupdate, tak berapdet2 jugak. I am sooooo sorry. Sorry sorry sorry sorry, naked naked naked naked (lagu Super Junior versi belasah)

When you give him heart

Masa aku nak start tulis kisah Wulan dalam 3HATI, I talked to some of my friends.... my (oh my God I can't believe I'm saying this) 'player' friends... just to get the general ideas about their life, things they do, stuff they say, their inner thoughts, etc.

And when A (bukan nama sebenar... nama sebenar dia Adrian, ahahahahah... macam pointless je letak initial ala mysterious) asked me how I am going to end the story, and I told him, he said, "That won't cut it la, Syahida."

"Eh, kenapa pulak tak?"

"Girls loves players. That won't cut it."

"They do. But then they learn their lesson."

"No, they don't. You did. But most of them don't."

And then he proceed talking about how I write Neal in my book, saying that I am processing the character too much, giving him heart and all that.

"Chick digs that," he said (he didn't say 'dig', I was just trying to sound all American and cool in this post... did I succeed?)

"Of course la," aku kata. "Chick loves tragic bad guys with backstories. That's what Neal akan kata dalam cerita ni. Dia akan explain teori tu, how chicks are so easily swayed by back stories of how a bad boy becomes bad boy, and how he used that to reel them in."

"Tapi kalau you memang nak tulis pasal bad boy gone good, they will forget the fact about him being bad and would want the guy to win in the end. Chick loves bad boys learning how to love mahh. That's how players breathe and survive the game."

Aku kata ini just novel, and people will get it. People will get why Wulan did what she did.

Tapi kata A (memang nama sebenar), "What you did was reality, Syahida. But people tak suka reality. Diorang nak fantasy. Kau burukkanlah macam mana pun, in the end, they will want the guy to succeed. Sebab dalam dunia fantasy, semua orang deserves a second chance and people who don't give them are twats." (his words, not mine).

Aku kata tak. Pembaca dah matang. Dia orang dah tau read between the lines. That's why Cecelia Ahern works. Cecelia tak pernah spoon-feed her readers. She makes them think. "PS I Love You" tak end with watak utama finding someone new to replace her husband. She found herself and the rest is just readers concluding her happily ever-afters for her. "If You Could See Me Now" tak end up with Ivan turning human. It ends with Elizabeth finding herself, and again, readers conclude her happily ever-afters for her. Dalam "The Time of My Life", Lucy memang end up with that carpet guy, tapi that's not the main point of the story. The carpet guy is just one of the crossroads in her finding herself. Every single novel written by Ahern is a self-reflecting journey. Kalau pembaca Ahern boleh faham itu, maksudnya people can understand Wulan. Wulan is not as complex a character like Lucy or Elizabeth or Holly, but she is also finding herself. These people who came into her life, Neal, Henry, Joy, even James... is the crossroads. 

And A answered something like this, "Nope. Girls love badboys. I cakap ni based on experience. You give him heart and they will pity him. They will want his happily ever-afters and disregard Wulan's. They will think it's Wulan's happiness too, instead of realising that it will only break her in the end. If you give her independence, you can't give him heart. It will backfire."

Aku tak dengar cakap Adrian. Dia bukan novelis. He was only speaking from an ex-player's standpoint. 

But sometimes, I wish I did listen to him.

Seorang novelis dan seorang wanita bernama Safiah (amaran: takde kaitan dengan AKN whatsoever)

Mari aku bercerita tentang sesuatu yang berlaku di PWTC.

Takyah serius sangat, cerita takdelah macam membuka minda dan mengubah persepsi dunia ke ape ke. Just cerita aku.

Aku seorang novelis. Dan itu bermakna, apabila buku aku keluar pada sekian2 tahun, aku akan menghadiri Pesta Buku Antarabangsa untuk sesi tandatangan dan bertemu pembaca. (Member aku kata, "Pehh, hipster sangatlah ko, tanak panggil "peminat" as "peminat", panggil "reader".... jawapannya ialah kerana, orang baca buku aku tak semestinya minat aku. Toksah perasan.)

Jadi sebagai seorang seorang penulis, aku suka waktu bertemu pembaca. Bukan sebab aku rasa macam dihargai (okay, fine, ada la rasa sikit, tapi kena tahan, kalau tak jadi riak nanti, rezeki tak berkat), tapi sebab aku suka bila orang datang dan beritahu aku apa yang mereka suka baca dan macam mana certain2 things yang aku tulis tu bagi impact kepada diorang. Tak semestinya diorang suka cerita tu as a whole. Itu tak penting bagi aku. Yang paling penting ialah that certain parts in the book that they took to their heart, that uplift their spirit, or made them realise about things, and all that. Pada aku itu bonus. Itu yang membuatkan ko rasa bersyukur, walaupun buku ko tak laris. Aku rasa itu juga perasaan seorang guru, bila anak muridnya yang dah dewasa datang dan beritahu dia, "Cikgu, saya ingat lagi masa cikgu kata...."

Banyak yang aku cuba perbaiki bila aku di Pesta Buku. Contohnya, kebolehan aku berkomunikasi. Aku sangat suck in communicating with people. I hate small talks like asking "Where you're from?", "What's your occupation?" dan semua2 tu. Kalau ikut diri aku sebenar, I would cut to the chase and ask the big questions, like, "What do you think of death?"... tapi nanti orang ingat aku tak normal pulak, susah.

Tapi ada satu yang paling aku harap aku tak buat: TAK MELAYAN ORANG.

Aku harap aku dapat beri perhatian pada semua orang equally. It's hard, considering we as human being have different brainwaves. Ada yang bila jumpa aku akan terus berbual dengan aku macam kawan. Ada juga yang pandang aku dengan awe, terus pandang aku dengan awe sementara aku sign buku dan lepas tu pandang aku dengan awe sambil mintak nak bergambar sama2. (we all do that sometimes. I never did, but I won't know how I would react if I came across Stephen King).

Tapi senang kata, kalau boleh aku nak berbual dengan semua orang dan dengar pendapat semua orang yang datang jumpa aku.

Tapi 4 Mei lepas, ramaaaai gileeee orang kat PWTC. Nak berbual panjang pun tak dapat sebab ada pada satu2 masa tu, orang datang dengan ramai sangat2. Ada seorang akak ni. Aku ingat nama dia.

Kak Safiah. (atau ejaan nama dia Safiyah kot, yang tu aku tak berapa nak ingat).

Kak Safiah datang minta tandatangan buku. Lepas tu dia beritahu aku yang dia dah baca semua buku-buku yang aku tulis. Tapi entah kenapa, masa tu otak aku blank. Aku ada banyak soalan, Paling suka yang mana? Apa pendapat akak? etc etc etc... Tapi  entah kenapa masa tu aku just pandang dia, ucap terima kasih dan went, "Aaaahhh..."

Aku nak sambung tanya soalan, tapi disebabkan bunyi bingit dari bebudak promo kat PA System, aku tak dapat nak sampaikan apa soalan aku. And Zara Amani kat sebelah aku tarik lengan baju aku. Aku pandang si Zara Amani.

"Kak, cepat sign buku!" katanya, menghulur 3 HATI yang dia dah sign pada aku. Depan Zara Amani, ada beberapa orang tengah tunggu aku sign.

Tanpa cakap "excuse me" atau minta Kak Safiah tunggu (sebab otak aku serabut dengan bunyi bingit masa tu), aku terus sign buku tu. Aku ingat nak sambung balik berbual dengan Kak Safiah, tapi pemilik buku 3 HATI yang baru ditandatangan tu mintak ambil gambar. Jadi aku pun akur dan terus bergambar.

Bila aku pusing balik, Kak Safiah dah tak ada. Aku tak sempat pun nak bagi dia button badge 3 HATI.

It's normal that sometimes you are not able to cater to everybody. It is. You can't help it. Most famous writers would not think about that at all, as it would just hinder their other readers. Tapi aku tak boleh lupa the fact that Kak Safiah tu hilang bila aku pusing. Aku yakin dia pun tak kisah dan faham keserabutan aku masa tu, tapi itu tak bermakna aku boleh let that go. I can't let go the fact that a person said something good about my books and I wasn't able to react and didn't get to talk to them properly.

Why can't I let go?

Let me tell you why.

I am the second child. Aku ada kakak dan dua orang adik lelaki. My sister was loved so much because she was the first born ever in our big family. My brother was loved so much because after three girls (my sister, me and my cousin Nana), he was the first boy. My youngest brother was loved so much because he's the youngest in the family, bukan sahaja dalam keluarga aku, tapi sebagai waris keturunan.

As a second born, I was "nothing new". Aku bukanlah nak kata mak dengan bapak aku tak sayang aku, tapi I was a "been there done that". I'm not the eldest, not the first of my sex and not the youngest. I was Malcolm in the Middle. So for all my life, I strive to get noticed. I strive to be noticed in the family and I notice everybody because I know how suck it is when you're invisible to other people. I try my best to please and making sure people don't hate me. Kawan-kawan aku kata aku perlu let go dan aku tak boleh harap semua orang akan jaga hati aku macam aku jaga hati diorang, tapi it's not something that I can control.

Even kat FB pun, aku ambil masa yang lama untuk belajar bahawasanya ada masanya aku tak dapat nak jawab semua PM atau balas semua komen, and kena belajar untuk accept bahawasanya my readers will understand if I didn't, and if they don't, I just have to accept it too.

Bila Kak Safiah pergi dan aku tak sempat nak salam pun, aku rasa macam it's a big deal. I don't want to be that person yang ignore people. I cherish every single people who came to see me when I get to see them, and aku rasa rimas dan tak selesa dalam hati bila aku tak berjaya jadi apa yang aku nak. Walaupun cuma dengan seorang. Walaupun cuma dengan Kak Safiah.

Anyway, kalau Kak Safiah membaca entry blog ni somehow atau ada kenalannya yang membaca entry ni, saya nak kata yang saya minta maaf sebab tak berjaya meluangkan masa berbual dengan akak macam akak luangkan masa membaca tulisan saya, and I hope that we can meet again next time...

The same goes for all my constant readers. I love y'all (baca dengan suara Britney Spears).

That small old man...

Did I ever tell you the story of my father? I think I told the story far too many times, but what the heck...

My father, like most men born in the 40s and grew up in the 50s, were not a religious man. When he was studying in Indonesia, he was not serious about his deen. Everybody who knew him at the time will remember that he once said, "Aku akan berubah bila Sungai Ciliwung bersih"...

(Which is like saying, I will change when Sungai Klang is clean, which is a no-brainer).

But one day, when he returned from Indonesia and was repairing a television without switching the electricity off, he got electrically shocked. He fell down and fainted. After a while, he woke up and told my mother, "Tuhan masih sayangkan aku."

He changed from then on. He started going to usrahs, learn more about the religion and never once forgot to do his tahajjuds. He began befriended pious people, which include Haji Kamarudin and Pak Cik Syafril. He also started to read books and listens to sermons made by this one ustaz, at that time already known as Tuan Guru Nik Abdul Aziz. The man had already become a politician at the time, but not yet a Kelantan CM. At the time, Kelantan was still under the rule of Barisan Nasional.

So as it is, the first politician that I ever knew was TGNA, not Mahathir, Anwar Ibrahim nor Najib Razak. Not just as a politician, but as a teacher, a Muslim icon and the man who had an influence on my father's change. He was a small man, just like my father. I liked him almost instantly.

I was taught about patience from watching him - he was mocked, ridiculed, being called so many names, challenged, by those who hated him. And yet he persevered. He kept on going. No matter what people say, he continued on and said that it would be shameful for him to stop and fall victim by others' words, when the Prophet Muhammad himself was bashed with stones by people who hated him.

I learned that life is not simple, watching how he continuously being misunderstood, his words being twisted and turned to make him look like a crazy old Kaum Tua man who babbles on and on about things. But he didn't stop from expressing his ideas, accepting if he was wrong and stressing if he knew he was right.

I learned that he is also just a man, that sometimes can't help but feel hurt by the words of others. But that's the way it is. If it was too easy, then the world will not teach you anything and that you will be living in such a dreary life with no lessons learned.

And respecting him as a leader once upon a time caused me much misery too. Friends called me "traitor" and asked me to leave the country if I hate it so much, when I did was only stating that I  hoped to see what TGNA wanted to see in future.

He is old now and it's time to let him rest a bit. He may not be able to get to see and to govern in an Islamic state like he always wanted, but more or less, his hopes of seeing more ulama' being respected, more Islamic education, more people covering their aurah, have been realised. And I hope that even though that I will never be able to be one of the executors of his vision, I would be one of the people who will get to support and see it being realised.

Inshaa-Allah.

 
"Betul, Allah itu Maha Mengetahui. Tapi bukankah molek kalau kita luahkan permintaan dan aduan kita kepadaNya? Sebenarnya Allah Maha Mengetahui diri kita lebih daripada diri kita sendiri. Tapi Allah nak dengar daripada mulut kita sendiri. Allah nak tengok bibir kita digerak-gerakkan untuk meminta padaNya. Allah sebenarnya nak dnegar suara kita." - TGNA, BICARA INI DEMI ILAHI.

And why you should never forgive a bad judge

Life is really weird.

Just when you thought that everything is going to be okay, that life has become much easier, a tornado hits again. And you sat there thinking what did I do to deserve this?

But I am sick of asking myself what did I do to deserve this. As much as I hate to be burdened by problems, I find that life would be better if we don't ask questions.

For example, God has granted us the victory in our case. But the happiness did not last long. We are living in the world where it's people who make the rules instead. Imagine if you're in my place. You have been cheated by a company that uses the religion for worldly gain. You bought something from them and it turns out that they are managing their company on faux pas. Illegal. So you turned to the judicial system - the place where the rules are kept. You followed the law because you want to start your business the right way.

So then you went on trial for three days. Witnesses were called. The defendants were so bad, and heck, if you can see how shit they are on the stand, you would laugh and would not send your kids to their pre-school. They were hypocrites of the acutest kind. They deny everything. We won because we told the truth. It took three days for the judge, a female judge if I may say, to understand the case.

But they were not satisfied. When we refused to take the RM20,000 bribe (they call it 'settle outside court', I'll call it bribe... kepala hotak kau dah kalah baru nak try settle outside court), they went to the Court of Appeal. They debated the case for two hours in front of three judges. Two of the judges think that we were right. But the head judge failed to listen. Despite our lawyer's many evidences, he kept on turning to just one act in the agreement. Act 13.8. Instead, he blamed the ministry man (who told us earlier that we should not continue operating our business because the parent company is operating illegally) , saying that the ministry guy gave us the wrong facts. It's as if he's saying that "You're screwed for following the law". Yes. A judge. A head judge. And so the other two just followed suit. Heck, who would go against the head judge, eyh?

The Court of Appeal went on for two hours. Imagine. Only two hours, not three days, like it was the first time. And in those two hours, the three abominable judges ruled that the other party won. The other party won, despite the fact that they were operating a business illegally, the fact that they did not have any proof against us, the fact that we have won a case that have been on trial for three days, the fact that none of the questions our lawyer asked them were answered truthfully and they were lying under oath. Two hours. Only two hours to take it all away.

And it took me only an hour to not trust the judicial system anymore, at least not the judges. I will never forgive them. They will be hold accountable, in the court of Allah. Not just for me, but for the injustice they have burdened upon my friend Nadiah and her two growing kids, to my friend Munira who has been working non-stop just to support the case, to my friend Fatimah who just recently gave birth and needed money more than ever, and to my old parents. I should have been the daughter who took care of them and yet I couldn't give them as much as they deserved because the three judges could not take more time to understand deeply what they were presented with and because a company cheated our money and felt that they will never be held accountable for anything.

But in spite of all that, I think the whole experience has taught me to be harder, colder, tougher, more than ever towards human being in general. It taught me that in my life, I am my only captain in the rough sea in my journey to the Afterlife.

But it also taught me that I will never be able to put my trust in anything other than God (especially not to a judge). And I believe that He is the best of judge. My predicament may be smaller than others. I mean, this is nothing compared to what my fellow Palestinians and Syrians face each day. Not a day gone by that I don't give thanks for the peace that I have, the dreams that were realised, the problems that made me realise how small I am in this world. And I am thankful that I am always reminded of who I am when too many of us forget easily.

And I pray for a stronger self. A good health. A peace of mind. And that one day when I'm gone, I will not leave my burden of debt behind, to myself, to my parents, to my society and to Him.

God is Great.

My life has never been simple. If it is, it's not mine.

"I had no idea that a court of appeal can reverse a judgment by completely ignoring the evidence and findings of the High Court. What kind of an appeal process is this exactly - when all it does is ignores the facts? If it practices ignorance, then it's quite obvious that it's going to come to a different conclusion." - Daniel Collin Lazaroo

.

Of writing love

The older you get, the more you want to write about the reality of things, the "what is" rather than "what could/should be". And with rom-com being the choice of many readers nowadays, one cannot shed one's writing from trying the same type of plotline - berjumpa, bergaduh, jatuh cinta.

Bertemu-bergaduh-jatuh cinta is the easiest thing there is for anybody to write. I can create ten books in a year if that's the only thing I have to write. Tapi kalau aku kembali ke realiti sebenar kehidupan: You will never want to be with someone you fight and hate.

Have you heard the theory about a stalker and a romantic?

If a guy you kinda like calls you all the time, sends you messages, follows you around - you call them a romantic.
If a guy you hate calls you all the time, sends you messages, follows you around - you call them a stalker.

But if you shed away your feelings of love and hatred, the acts are the same. It's not what the guy does. it's what you feel in the first place that gave them the label.

That is the rule. But there is an exception to the rule - If you somehow falls in love after loathing that person.

But after 6 years of being a novelist, I find writing such scenes tedious. It's like writer's death. In my real life, I am not an exception to the rule. I find that I am still not interested with the guy who has been trying to approach me for five years now. And guys I fight with? I seriously hate them. There is no that gaduh2 manja kind of thing. When I fight, I fight hard and we all hate each other for it. The kind of man I like are usually the ones that I have known for such a long time, and even that is rare.

(And when I said "kind of man I like", this does not mean they like me back, because my life is not that damn easy. Hahaha)

In my books, I wanted to write a little piece of me. But it's hard to write stories of my life, because the stories of my life have no hero to save the day, no huge success to call my own, no a-ha moment where you feel like, "Shit, I frikken love my life!". It has its ups and downs, but mediocre at its best.

But people would not want to read a story where there is no hero to save the day. I mean, you can write those kind of books in the UK or US, where feminism calls for women to stand up on their two feet. Living in Malaysia, I find that women love the notion of being saved. It doesn't matter if they save their life themselves - without a hero, people would not like to read it.

I wrote a little piece of me in Zulaikha - a studious Political Science student. I could have made her like me totally, but nobody would want to read a book about a Political Science student who spends all her time studying and sleeping.

I wrote a little piece of me in Balkis - Sarcastic chubby girl with no style who finds that she has nothing great. I still have that feeling of being that girl sometimes, especially after eating after 10pm.

I wrote a little piece of me in Safiah - A novelist who spends her time listening to other people's problems. However, in my real life, I usually remove and block stalking guys ala Roul.

I wrote a piece of me in Mariyyah - someone who can't get over things as quickly as everybody else. A lot of people hated Mariyyah for not being able to move on for three years. Well, I was that kind of person, if you want to know.

I wrote a piece of me in Wulan - a woman who finds that she can live her life on her own. But of course, in this country, women find that other women who can live on their own (doesn't mean she hates men, just that actually living alone as a choice, not as some kind of feminism disease) to be sad people that have no love life.

Here are the realities of things, readers. Sometimes you are alone because you have no luck in love, but sometimes you are alone because you chose to be. Sometimes you're married because of love and sometimes you are married because you're scared that you'll be too old and alone. Sometimes you chose a man because of his traits, sometimes because of his looks, sometimes because you just fell inexplicably in love with them and sometimes because you were just being spiteful to another man who rejected you. Sometimes you marry early and stays with each other forever, and sometimes divorce happen. Sometimes you sacrifice for love but love doesn't come your way and sometimes you cheated on love but it keeps on coming for you.

What you think now, what you aspire about love and relationship now may change in few years time. I was a girl who used to find love annoying when I was a kid. Then I saw it as something inspiring when I was a teenager. In my early 20s, I find love to be selective. In my mid 20s, I find love to be political. In my working era, love is ridiculous. And in my late 20s, love to be something so precious that it does not knock on your heart as easily at the sight of the most perfect man you've ever met.

I hope to be able to write these for my readers, so that as the definition of love grows and varies for me, it grows and varies for others too. And that while there are happily ever afters, we all learn that it comes in many forms - and that everybody can learn to cherish the many forms of love God has given us.

Just doing my thing

I think I would like to adopt that school of thought. Of just doing my thing. Whatever the hell is the trend nowadays, whatever it is that people love to read these days, whatever the subject matter that mattered currently, I am just gonna do my thing.

"You should write stories about married life. It's the trend nowadays."
Nope. I will just do my thing.

"You should try e-book or e-novel..."
Nope. I will just do my thing.

"Don't you think this whole thing is a mess?"
I don't know. I just wanna do my thing.

"Indie. That's the way to go."
Thanks, but I'll just do my thing.

"Try literature. Write for Dewan Bahasa for example."
I'll just do my thing.

This is not me not being ambitious. But yesterday, as I was trying to write, albeit frustratingly with all the other stuff - like the situation with the community nowadays, with people keep saying that this book is better than that book or this theme is better than that theme, and that I should do this kind of project or that kind of project, while people around going "Malay books are shit", "I only read indie books", "Love stories are crap, thriller is the coolest", "I can't understand her mundane writing..."... - I realised that I wanted to return to who I was in 2007, when I was writing PLAIN JANE - a story about mediocrity.

Back then, there was no 'who writes better and who gets the most royalty'. Everybody's the same. We applaud those who got it good and in return, they advertise our books for us. I was "that writer who writes about normal things and normal situations". We were writers, not celebrities. There were only few of us and we keep it tight.

The first few writers that I met was Kak Shahriah Abdullah, Kak Dyza Ainun, Kak Ramlah Rashid, Kak Kamsiah Abu, Kak Siti Rosmizah, Kak Indah Hairani, Kak Ebriza Aminuddin, back when Buku Prima was an unknown entity and people go "Buku Prima? You mean Media Prima?" when you said that you write for Buku Prima.

But I liked it then. I was one of the younger writers. And we all just "doing our thing". We were not competing to write faster so that we can get in line and our book can be published that year or squeezing our brains off to write what people want so that we can be a bestseller. Our readers are people who love what we wrote from our hearts, not what we wrote for the sake of them.

I love those days and I want to return to those days.

I wanna just do my thing.

Nak letak gambar ramai2 tapi ada yang masih belum bertudung masa tu...