The only way for them to cut my belly is by a sword... (my hospital story Part 1)

Pada asalnya aku tak nak menulis pasal surgery aku. I mean, fine, when it was about my dad, I have no issue writing about him because writing about my dad's CKD and sharing his photos on Instagram tak ubah macam satu terapi untuk aku. In the future, I want to go back and think about it with fondness, and to see all the photos, to see how much we have gone through on the road to his recovery.

When it comes to my own health issues, I would rather keep it to myself.

Tapi bila aku fikir balik, masa aku duk Google pasal treatment aku, aku tak jumpa banyak blog yang cerita pasal benda ni, at least bukan blogs yang ditulis oleh someone in Malaysia, yang boleh aku jadikan rujukan. Kebanyakannya ditulis oleh orang luar, yang dapatkan treatment hospital luar. Jadi aku piker, tak apalah. Let's share this, since whenever my friends sent me texts asking me about it, they all have the same question : How did you detect it? How can I detect it?

So first and foremost, why was I in the hospital? Oh, it was something trivial. It was ovarian cyst. To describe it further, it was a 10-cm ovarian cyst the size of a blood orange (I have thought of other fruits, but I just think that the word "blood orange" is most suitable for it ahahaha).

Let's go back to the start.

For the past few months since late 2018 aku memang ada syak something wrong. I would have this throbbing contracting pain on my lower left side. Sakit tu datang macam dua ke tiga jam, excruciating throbbing pain macam something menolak2 atau mengembang. Tapi masa tu bapak aku asik ulang alik hospital, jadi aku macam malas nak deal dengan penyakit sendiri. Kalau dibuatnya gi doktor dan dia kata kena warded, pening kepala family aku nak ulang alik dari satu hospital ke hospital lain. I would take ENO, lepas tu tidur, dan it would go away.

On 8 February 2019, I started to feel that throbbing excruciating mind-numbing pain again. Aku cuba ENO, tak jalan. Tapi tak berani amik painkiller sebab aku syak it got something to do with my kidneys (bila bapak ko CKD, kau jadi hyper aware dengan kesihatan buah pinggang kau). The same day, kucing aku mengamuk dan gigit tangan aku, dan it went numb. So memang makcik terseksa weh. Perut belah kiri sakit gila, tangan kanan tak boleh genggam. Sepanjang waktu tu duk Google penyakit, walaupun kau tahu jawapan kepada sakit ialah "jumpa doktor". A slew of results came out for "excruciating lower left abdominal pain". There were diverticulitis, appendicitis, batu karang, CKD, ovarian cancer (but of course, all roads to health-related Google will end up to with the C-word).

Sabtu 9 Februari. Sakit tak hilang, so aku pon pergi AVISENA. Bukan sebab aku kaya, tapi sebab tak tertampung sakit ni nak tunggu orang ramai kat hospital kerajaan. Buat urine test, doktor kata okey je. Dia bagi ubat untuk buang angin, tetanus shot for my numbing hand from the cat bite, and antibiotik (itu pun untuk cat bite). Bam, RM210 dia charge. Balik rumah, makin sakit lagi ada la. At 4.30pm, I could no longer hold it, so I asked my sister to take me to AVISENA again. This time to the ER.

Blood test, urine test again. Doktor kata ada blood in urine. The last urine test probably silap sebab diorang tak explain betul2 how it should be done. You actually have to pee a bit, stop, then pee again. The second part baru kumpul. Don't ask me why that is. That's what the doctor told me. Doktor kata suspect batu karang.  Ironiknya, dua minggu sebelum tu, kitorang baru melawat Kakdik, jiran kitorang kat AVISENA yang kena undergo surgery batu karang. Tapi a call with my aunt, who said that she had a cyst and it was the same symptom, made me believe the latter. Truthfully, aku lebih prefer the latter, sebab batu karang is a nuisance.

Went for X-ray dan CT scan. Akak aku uruskan kemasukan wad. I have two takafuls. Prudential and Ikhlas (yes, hidup makcik terseksa nak bayar insuran, tapi at least makcik ada dua insurans. ahahah). Fortunately, with Ikhlas, aku ada medical card, which means that I can just get hospitalised tanpa perlu piker pasal nak bayar macam mana. Amik bilik sorang, RM195 per night (takaful cover), , deposit RM500 . Yang kelakarnya, sebelum ni jiran aku dapat bilik 317. Aku dapat bilik 316. Even kat hospital pon, bilik kitorang berjiran.

My room. Meja untuk makan dah jadi meja untuk laptop sebab takde makna aku nak baring je tak buat kerja

The first night, Dr Jamil from gastroenterology datang. He explained that I have bacteria in my urine and low red blood count. Scan showed inflamed ovaries blocking the view of my bladder. Jap... dalam BM - "ada bakteria dalam air kencing, kurang darah merah, ovari bengkak menyebabkan dia tak nampak pundi kencing dan tak boleh nak decide sama ada batu karang ke bukan batu karang." Jadi kena la buat test lagi sekali dan ada gynae akan datang untuk check about the ovaries.

10 February. Tim dan Nad datang melawat kat hospital. Dinie, who is also my Takaful agent (haha) datang melawat malam tu dan gave me some tips. Dr Norleen from OB/GYN datang check perut, tekan2 tapi tak rasa macam ada something wrong. But she still scheduled me for an appointment on Monday. Dr Jamil datang lagi dan kata aku kena CT scan sekali lagi.
***Katering datang hantar makanan dan menu untuk esok. I was like, cool, a menu. Otak kekonon nak makan apa aje yg ada, tapi tetibe rasa pretentious gila jaga kesihatan dan pilih makanan yang rendah kalori. Hipokrit nakmati.

11 Februari. Pagi tu ultrasound with Dr Norleen in the morning. Katanya cyst in my left ovary 7cm. Let me tell you something. Aku sangat tak suka pergi Gynae clinic as a single woman who is diagnosed with cyst. Pregnant people annoy me with their happiness. One girl was trying to chat with me, and all I could think of was "Oh my God, get away from me you happy woman!" (I was in pain, I was annoyed that I have to take a break from work walaupon aku ni seorang freelancer yg kais pagi makan pagi, aku rimas dengan branula kat tangan. Happy pregnant women are the most annoying thing I could ever see at that moment. I know she wants me to ask her about her pregnancy, but my evil mind was like, "No, I will not give you the satisfaction". It was really mean, I know. It was the painkiller, I tell you. It makes me an evil person (alasan)).

Dr Norleen tanya nak balik rumah bincang dengan family dulu ke nak surgery terus. Bincang? For what? Surgery terus! scheduled for me to have a pelvic CT scan with another doctor. Dr. Thanee, at 12pm. He checked. It was 10cm. And then he laughed about it, so I laughed about it, and feel okay again. I mean, I guess that's all I needed at the time. Someone to make a joke about it. He asked me nak surgery esok ke lusa. Aku nak esoknya, tapi OT penuh, so dapatla Rabu. I was not happy, because it means that I have to stay one more day. He asked nak laparoscopy ke laparatomy. Laparascopic cystectomy bermaksud dia akan tebuk empat lubang around my stomach, dua bahagian untuk masukkan the knifey thingy amendetah (makcik bukan doktor, tak kuasa nak explain), dan untuk masukkan kamera. They will pump in gas, he will cut the cyst sikit for biopsy, and selebihnya dia akan pecahkan, siat keluar daripada ovary, clean everything up, jahit balik, masukkan the remaining cyst inside a plastic and keluarkan. It would take shorter time to heal, boleh keluar hospital in one to two days, but it would cost dalam RM23-25k.

Below is a whole video of how a laparoscopy is done if you're that sort of people - like me - who likes to torture themselves.

Laparotomy is... well, belah perut, keluarkan cyst. The healing time would take a lot, like maybe two weeks more of ward time, dan a month of recovery. But it costs less. Dalam RM10k.

Adakah aku yang kena risaukan berapa harganya sedangkan aku dah beberapa tahun terseksa bayar insuran? Of course not. I let Takaful Ikhlas deal with that. So I said yes, a thousand times yes, to laparoscopy. The only people I would let cut my stomach would be a) a doctor getting a baby out or b) Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as Jaime Lannister slashing my belly with a sword. I would die for Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. I don't mind.

Tim datang melawat lagi lepas habis waktu sekolah. That's how I know I have the best of friends.

Puasa sampai pukul 3 sebab kena buat CT scan lagi sekali. A special one at that - 3D scan yang lebih jelas. This time, kena minum setengah jag oral contrast. Anggapkan oral contrast ni macam sejenis "water colour" untuk warnakan organ2 kau supaya bila doktor tengok, diorang boleh nampak ketidaknormalan isi dalam kau dengan lebih jelas.

Apa rasa oral contrast? Macam lemon-infused water. Satu cawan is fine, tapi setengah jag tu macam satu seksaan. 30 minutes later, masuk bilik for CT scan, diorang shoot lagi oral contrast ke dalam branula (which made my arm all numb and cold). Lepas tu, halfway through the scan, masuk lagi ubat lain plak dalam branula, This time it stings! Dah tu nurse pulak tetiba kata, "Nanti badan akan rasa panas tau. Jangan panik tau."

Hakak, kalau taknak saya panik, janganlah sebut perkataan panik...

Ubat yang masuk kali kedua tu memang buat bahagian dalam badan kau rasa panas, seolah2 organ2 kau dipanaskan dalam microwave. Tgh scan tetiba rasa nak terkencing sangat. Adalah sesungguhnya perasaan nak terkencing while kau atas mesin CT scan itu adalah seksaan sesungguhnya.
Balik ke bilik, bilik penuh dengan sedara mara. Ahahaha. With my grandma, and my paklong and maklong, and makkak, Liliee and her three kiddoes (my beloved nephews Uwais and Uqail and lovely niece Layla). Diorang tengok aku balik ke bilik dengan muka relax, sume cam konpius, "Ni sakit ke tak ni?"

These two weirdos are the light of my life. 

Masa tu memang tak sakit, sebab berapa tan painkiller pulak diorang dah bagi aku. Pills, shots. It was like a rave party in muh body............ that sounds terrible.

Dr Jamil datang sekali lagi, confirmkan yang aku akan undergo surgery Rabu under gynae. Dia kata dia akan confirm balik sama ada aku ada batu karang ke tak. I said "Okey!" dengan penuh riang, and he was like... mengapakah perempuan ini terlalu riang ria nak surgery?

Oh, and my sister was taking care of me the whole time (I mean when she was not at work), even berkampung kat hospital. Partly sebab aku meyakinkan dia yang it would be more peaceful to sleep at the hospital daripada dia duduk rumah menghadap pergaduhan harian mak bapak aku ahahahaha. Kat hospital boleh mandi air panas and boleh pergi beli ice blended coffee kat Gloria Jeans bebila aje nak, atau jalan kaki pergi menyeberang ke Vista Alam untuk makan Cibiuk atau mee goreng mamak. She was influenced. Heck, kalau aku pun aku akan pilih untuk jaga aku daripada duduk rumah. Ahaha.

To be continued....

Kaki Bodeks Piss Me Off

Kaki bodek pisses me off.

There. I said it.

You know how rude people becomes nicer in Ramadhan, or how kaki mengumpat will try to restrain themselves from mengumpat lebih banyak in the fasting month?

But kaki bodek remains a kaki bodek all year round. Why? Because kaki bodek never think of themselves as a sinner. "I am just praising my boss, what's wrong with that?"

Evvverything is wrong with that.

Sure, when someone does good and deserves a praise, you praise them. You should not be so arrogant as to say, "Ala, baru buat baik sekali, nak mintak puji". Nope. Good deed is good deed. Good work is good work. You should acknowledge it.

But praising someone for evvverything they do even when it's wrong?

There are three worst things in the world:
a) People who do bad things (bad. just bad)
b) People who saw other people do bad things but say nothing about it (all of us, naturally... sometimes...)
c) People who praises people who do bad things (which is the absolute worse)

And I have witnessed a lot of this going on. One time, this lady, who I will call 'A' (uuuu... so original, using the first word of the alphabet to describe someone so that they can't sue you)... kept babbling to me about the injustice that has been in practice in her company. Later on, the company's big boss lamented about a certain employee, and there's her, in one of the comments, going, "Oh, that is true. We should not do that. We should always be thankful that our esteemed boss has given us a job in the first place."

I mean, she is one step away from going, "All hail, big boss!".... so sickening.

You know why I think Category C people are worse than Category B people? Because these lots don't only make it look like nothing is wrong with the situation, but they also ENCOURAGE it. There is this one dude that I know. He was the worst.

"I love working with a modern, courageous, innovative person such as yourself," he wrote on his boss' Facebook status.

*prepare to launch roll-eyes version 3.0*

Like I said, I don't mind people commending other people for their job well done. I do that sometimes. I like writing to said people and tell them how good their services are. For example, last time, a Rapid KL bus driver going to Damansara asked me to get in after I missed my bus going to Shah Alam, and he chased the Shah Alam bus to the next stop so that I could get in. So, later on, I wrote to Rapid KL and praised the bus driver for a job well done. A few months later, RAPID KL create that ridiculous Bit Bit Card system,...................

So I told them they're dumb.

But sometimes, I also adopt the sins of Category B people, by not saying what I really think. And you know why I do that sometimes? Because of the existence of Category C people. A good friend of mine did that once. I mean, speaking the truth about the state of things. What happened to her, you ask? She has been 'indirectly' banished for it. I mean, why would the top people care, right? There are a lot of kaki bodeks saying it's not true, anyway.

It's hard to live a brave life. The cowards are not making it easier, and the kaki bodeks made it impossible.

Kosong. Kosong. Kosong.

Hari tu aku pergi Pesta Buku dan aku rasa kosong.....

Pehh, mukadimah macam intro filem artsy fartsy.

Sebenarnya kekosongan tu ada banyak sebab:

i. Nine, editor SBP 2.0 dah pindah
-Biasanya kalau aku gi PBAKL, aku banyak lepak borak dengan Nine, citer pasal buku, pasal manuskrip, pasal life in general. Tapi tahun lepas, Nine berhenti dan sekarang kerja kat tempat lain, so aku kekurangan rutin di situ.

ii. Editor aku Sue, yang edit buku pertama aku, as well as AKU KELIRU, orang pertama yang aku kenal di Buku Prima selain Encik Ali, pindah ke Alaf21.
- Or in a more precise term, dipindahkan ke Alaf21. Bila aku dengar, aku cam, "What????". You see, the writer-editor relationship bukan sekadar aku tulis ko edit. It takes years of understanding each other's stance, style, and workmanship. I have already lost Ecah (editor PLAIN JANE, AKU KAN NOVELIS), Poja (editor SBP 1), dan Nine (SBP 2.0), now I lost Sue as well?
-Of course, masih ada Anis yang juga editor VALENTINA NERVOSA. Please please please don't take her away too.

iii. Aku tak ada buku baru
- Bila tak ada buku baru keluar masa PBAKL, tahap excitement dia memang berbeza dengan time ada buku baru. Kalau nak excited lebih pun rasa bersalah, cam rasa orang piker, "Makcik tu pehal excited lebih? Buku baru bukan ada pon." ahahahahahahahaha
(disclaimer: Ini adalah perasaan Nurul Syahida sahaja, tidak tertakluk pada orang lain)

iv. Semua orang promote buku kat rak, tapi aku sucks in doing that kind of thing
- I just suck at marketing. Ask my former employer. I wasn't made to stay in the marketing department long for a reason, you know. The reason being I suck at it.

v. Aku tak cukup energy for anything for the past few months
- Kerja yang sangat banyak + introversion + crowds = energy-drained.

So, sambil aku memerhatikan orang ramai membeli buku, dan para penulis lain mempromote buku, diselang-selikan dengan bunyi sound system yang sangat kuat sampai aku tak dengar Kak Lynn (Lynn Dayana, that is) cakap apa half of the time (kitorang asik bergosip sepanjang tempoh tu), I came to the conclusion that...

...I am lost.

I am lost in the sea of new readers and new writers, in the waves of new trends and old habits, in the world that used to be quiet and peaceful but now hectic and loud, where writing used to be about the stories you tell rather than the big screen adaptations and fame.

I am lost in my own thought, trying to remember why I am here in the first place, and how did I end up here. Reminiscing the quiet times when nobody remembered my name or the name of my fellow colleagues, and we're just a group of people who writes for the love of writing, of storytelling, of sending messages, of being trendsetters rather than followers.

And I missed conversing about books, about writers, about plots and stories, of the time when PBAKL was about celebrating books and readers, rather than celebrities and stars.

It overwhelms me.

Maka aku pulang ke rumah dengan rasa kosong itu, dan aku lelapkan mata untuk recharge bateri hidup yang dah tinggal satu bar.

I think I want to take a break.

The thing with the -ISTS

I am reminded of a conversation that I had with my former editor, who was also a former player (now a married man and a father of one, I heard, bless him). It was about the treatment of women by men, and how I am against women being treated like an object, to which he said:

"You and your feminist views."
"I am not a feminist," said I.
"You sound like one."

To tell you the truth, it's not about me being a feminist or not being a feminist. I just hate labels. I hate the 'ist' (except for 'novelist', but then again, I prefer the word author/writer). The thing is, sometimes when we label ourselves with the 'ist', we tend to become obsessed with the tag/label and started behaving like the 'ist' we chose.

I am not saying being feminist is bad. Not at all. I, of all people, hate it when women resorted to 'asking men for help because we're just so weak and in need of manly strength...' (Oh come on. I can lift a cupboard on my own...) or the double standard in the corporate world, the mistreatment of rape victims, and all the other sexual harassments cases. I hate it when women think that they can't go far with their brain, or spending an awful lot of time being angry with the world because some other pretty girls get things easier (I will talk about this thing in another entry). I hate it when we are associated with things like "shopping", "shoes" and "make up", as if we're just that (and sadly, some women do attribute themselves with only those things)

In a way, yeah, I have feminist... tendency? thoughts? ideas?

Anyway, what I am saying is, I kept hearing people calling themselves "liberalist", "Islamist", "fundamentalist", neo-progressive thinkers, modernist, and whatever label you can use. Sometimes when people ask me what I am, I just said I am a neo-pseudo-feminist counter liberal antagonist.... it doesn't have any meaning, but it's fun to see people going "oooooo" as if it's a thing.

It's not a thing. I'm just being sarcastic.

Not that I am against the isms. I just hate it when people are sooooo in love with their labels, that they shape every single thing, even things that don't matter, into the kind of label they want to be. It's as annoying as talking to people who said stuff like, "I am a Saggitarean, we like doing things that way" or, "I was born in the year of the Ox, so I am a bit stubborn...", "I am of the O blood type. We're a bit hot-tempered". Seriously, stop blaming the year you were born or the zodiac sign for every effed-up behaviour you have.

It's now "Oh, I am a progressive liberal thinker and I think these people are idiots."

You're an idiot.

In saying this, I am not saying that everybody with the 'isms' are all annoying labelists (is that a thing?). I am just saying that while labeling yourself is fine, don't make it a habit in every conversation. Yes, I know you're a Cancerian/Horse baby/AB-type/neo-conservatist.... don't keep on spewing those words to make you seem unique. You are unique without your label. I can tell you how unique you are from the way you talk, the way you give your opinion, your confidence, and your views about the topics in hand. You don't need to express your political stance to show you're intelligent. Because sometimes, those ideologies you kept vomiting from your mouth are only showing how unintelligent you are.

Anyways, while in that discussion about the objectification of women with my former editor back in 2008, he was then interrupted by a female co-worker, who asked him if her female friends can share a ride with him to another one of our co-worker's wedding. He asked her who the friends are and if there're pretty ones, and she showed him pictures of her friends and ask him to pick his favourites to share the ride. He grinned at me, and said, "See? Now your feministic views are all going down the drain."

Yeah, thanks, women. You guys are very 'helpful' in my cause =_=

"So, in a way, you're an individualist?"
"Don't make it a thing. It's not a thing."

That small old man...

Did I ever tell you the story of my father? I think I told the story far too many times, but what the heck...

My father, like most men born in the 40s and grew up in the 50s, were not a religious man. When he was studying in Indonesia, he was not serious about his deen. Everybody who knew him at the time will remember that he once said, "Aku akan berubah bila Sungai Ciliwung bersih"...

(Which is like saying, I will change when Sungai Klang is clean, which is a no-brainer).

But one day, when he returned from Indonesia and was repairing a television without switching the electricity off, he got electrically shocked. He fell down and fainted. After a while, he woke up and told my mother, "Tuhan masih sayangkan aku."

He changed from then on. He started going to usrahs, learn more about the religion and never once forgot to do his tahajjuds. He began befriended pious people, which include Haji Kamarudin and Pak Cik Syafril. He also started to read books and listens to sermons made by this one ustaz, at that time already known as Tuan Guru Nik Abdul Aziz. The man had already become a politician at the time, but not yet a Kelantan CM. At the time, Kelantan was still under the rule of Barisan Nasional.

So as it is, the first politician that I ever knew was TGNA, not Mahathir, Anwar Ibrahim nor Najib Razak. Not just as a politician, but as a teacher, a Muslim icon and the man who had an influence on my father's change. He was a small man, just like my father. I liked him almost instantly.

I was taught about patience from watching him - he was mocked, ridiculed, being called so many names, challenged, by those who hated him. And yet he persevered. He kept on going. No matter what people say, he continued on and said that it would be shameful for him to stop and fall victim by others' words, when the Prophet Muhammad himself was bashed with stones by people who hated him.

I learned that life is not simple, watching how he continuously being misunderstood, his words being twisted and turned to make him look like a crazy old Kaum Tua man who babbles on and on about things. But he didn't stop from expressing his ideas, accepting if he was wrong and stressing if he knew he was right.

I learned that he is also just a man, that sometimes can't help but feel hurt by the words of others. But that's the way it is. If it was too easy, then the world will not teach you anything and that you will be living in such a dreary life with no lessons learned.

And respecting him as a leader once upon a time caused me much misery too. Friends called me "traitor" and asked me to leave the country if I hate it so much, when I did was only stating that I  hoped to see what TGNA wanted to see in future.

He is old now and it's time to let him rest a bit. He may not be able to get to see and to govern in an Islamic state like he always wanted, but more or less, his hopes of seeing more ulama' being respected, more Islamic education, more people covering their aurah, have been realised. And I hope that even though that I will never be able to be one of the executors of his vision, I would be one of the people who will get to support and see it being realised.

Inshaa-Allah.

 
"Betul, Allah itu Maha Mengetahui. Tapi bukankah molek kalau kita luahkan permintaan dan aduan kita kepadaNya? Sebenarnya Allah Maha Mengetahui diri kita lebih daripada diri kita sendiri. Tapi Allah nak dengar daripada mulut kita sendiri. Allah nak tengok bibir kita digerak-gerakkan untuk meminta padaNya. Allah sebenarnya nak dnegar suara kita." - TGNA, BICARA INI DEMI ILAHI.

2012 - The Memoir of a Writer's Life in Summation

Another pretentious way to conclude 2012 after blabbering the significance of my life in 2012 that is insignificant to others in any way possible.

September 2012 - How she found her true love

I have always loved this picture. Us 22 years later.

My cousin Nana weds her beau whom she has been keeping mum until 2009. Nana - who has always been choosy when it comes to anything and everything, chose John (real name Feisal, don't ask me how "john" happened) to be her life-long partner. You know your cousin is serious and not in any way intended to tie the knot because it was the trend when she used the word, "I have to think carefully. This is not a short term thing. This is for life!"

I mean, it is the trend to get married early nowadays. I guess the trend happened to people born 1985 and below. Most of my friends born in 1983 don't actually have marriage in mind when they were just 23. 1983 people are hotheaded, career-minded and apt to not get along with employers - that's evident with the fact that most of my friends and people my age are into business and freelance)

Nana's nikah was on 7/9, Dinie held Naurah's birthday on 8/9 but I wasn't able to go due to Nana's reception on 9/9 in Kompleks Perbadanan Putrajaya. I didn't eat much despite the catering was amazing, since I had to protect the sanctity of the goody bags with Nana's paternal cousins, Shasha and her then fiance, King.... ("sanctity of the..."... exaggeration alert!)

Oh, and Mun was my tailor for that dress.

October 2012 - Month of Work and Work-related Stuff

Zara Amani and I went to Buku Prima to discuss about our project and our ideas about the book cover. It was also my dad's birthday so remembering how my dad kept talking about wanting to buy the remote-controlled helicopter, I bought him one. I, of course, forgot that I have two brothers... so they ended up playing with that thing until the battery depletes. And of course, being guys, they never thought about replacing them batteries.

Ajik bought a new car, but stupid car dealer can't even do his job right, so we sack him instead.
Oh, and Karangkraf held Aidil Adha's feast. I couldn't stay long due to massive translation workload but boy was I extremely full.

Gabe's obsession with the aquarium begins from day one

One day, I was talking to Abang Long, my agent, in front of the house when suddenly, out came a black kitten, mewing his heart out at me. Abang Long asked me whose cat it is. I have no idea. But feeling sympathy for its sickly look and desperate eyes pleading for food, I took it inside after my agent left. Gave him some food and let him out again.

But he didn't leave. He stayed. He stayed every day. So I called him Mugabe (because I like my cat with a little bit of dictatorship in it), and he has been mine ever since. I've always wanted a black cat anyway. A writer should always have a black cat since it has this aura that injects creativity....... nahhh. I made that up.

According to an article I read, the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) had an Angora cat, a white one called Muizza. Just pretend like I have the opposite - a black cat named Mugabe.

November 2012 - Receptions and Reunions

Mun and I also had to meet the lawyer, after several months of no legal discussions. Our legal rep (I just wanted to use the word so badly) told us that we will be having our damage assessment in November, but the other party has decided to appeal the case in January. So we decided to postpone the assessment to another date. I knew dreams-come-true always comes with a delay.

But do pray for us. And do pray that they will end all of this as soon as possible.

Rahmah got married and we went to Kuala Selangor to celebrate it. We also went to our old school to see how it has changed over 12 years. A lot of change. I just pity the students now. They would not be able to enjoy the school as we had. Once upon a time, when it rains, you can see fishes swimming in the grass and egrets and cranes flying from Taman Alam to the fields, looking for the fishes in the grass. Wak Jazz will be out there with his pail and his net, trying to catch them (the fishes, not the egrets). Now where it used to be a huge field, two additional buildings stood uglily (that's a legitimate word).

We also went to Masitah's house and had a good chat.... and robbed the mangoes from her family's mango tree. Muahaaha.
 
Ajik had his convocation in Terengganu. I couldn't come, so I stayed home for three days and cleaned the whole house up. Now I know what I will actually do when there is nobody around - I am one of the members of the cleaner tribe.

November was also a great month in a sense that two people that has been MIA for a long time suddenly reappeared. One is Fer, my best friend in SMKAKS. To tell you the truth, I don't have a lot of male friends in high school. A) because I am just not that friendly, B) I don't really understand boys that much, and C) I just can't be bothered. But Fer was one of the guys that I was close to, due to the fact that we almost always involved in the same societies and almost always fighting.

We fought at gelanggang silat when we were both the committee members, we argued about Persatuan Bahasa Arab's budget when he was the president and I was the treasurer, we argued during Rumah Hijau's meeting with no reason at all, and we argued in class for the pettiest things. Arguing was like our thing. There was even a time that we had a relay-argument - where I stated my case, Che' Wan sent the message and Fer replied. I don't think I have ever met any better arguing partner in my life after Fer. Everybody else admits defeat far too quick, it's no fun.

But after SMKAKS, there was no news about him at all. I had to wait 12 years before he sent a message on Facebook in November and asked me if I remembered him. The guy is now married with two kids. Nothing makes me feel so old as browsing through pictures of Fer's two little clones. Ahahaha.

The next day, Uncle Kirby add me on Facebook. Have I ever told you that I have a foreign uncle? Married to my paternal aunt, he's American and now works as a Semiotics professor in Akita University. I haven't seen him since....... I can't remember, because I think the last time I saw him, I was too little to remember anything. But I was ecstatic when he sent a message on Facebook, because I have heard a lot about him and I love reading his book of poetry, "A Geography of the Soul". I used to Google his image on Facebook, just to know how he looks like, but now he's on Facebook and I can actually talk to him. It's really good to have that.

December 2012 - All the Trips and Flat Tyres

Our friend Fiza got married and her wedding turned into some kind of SMKAKS reunion (they call the school KUSSIS now, but I refused to do so. I will always be SMKAKSian, heart and soul). Cikgu Zaleha still looking svelte and slim after all these years, much to our chagrin. Ahahaha.

Repaired the aircond after three years. Our new aircond-man, Mr. Tsai is a weird man, but then again, so was our old aircondman, Steven. I guess all aircond-man are peculiar, but then again, that's just generalisation.

Nana's sister, Liliee is getting married in January, so we're busy with that too.

Julia, Mas and I had another vacay, this time to Kulai, Pengerang and then Universal Studio, Singapore. It was planned earlier in October. We planned it all out but then I forgot about the migraine that cannot be unplanned in any way. Safe to say that I don't think I am suited for Universal Studio's rides. I mean, the weather is quite hot, but the rooms where people queued are air-conditioned  The rides were extreme, especially the Transformers ride. THAT you have to wear 3D glasses - the most hated technology of all. Then after the ride, you get out to the hot sun to a crowd of people. Then it rains suddenly, sun again, aircond, ride, sun, rain, crowds..... that's just the perfect recipe for a level 3 migraine.

But I am so grateful for Mas' hospitality, as well as her brother and sister in-law's kindness in taking us in.

Tim was home for the school holidays and four months pregnant, so we all went out to Big Bad Wolf and a dinner at Nad's. I went to BBW with my family the next day. The thing with BBW is..... it's not enough for me. You know how some people go crazy hearing the word "Shoe Sales" or have sugar rush after eating lots of candy?

That's how I feel being there, in a hall filled with books. At one point, I almost wanted to live there, thinking heaven would be me in a huge auditorium filled with books and smell like freshly printed newspapers. I think that was what inside my dad's head at the same time. If I let him go on for another hour, I will have to sell my laptop to pay for his books.

We also went to GM Klang two days later, but it was just okay, except for the time when Mun had a flat tyre and we were stranded in front of the bus stand in Section 7, and waited for Tim, her husband and her dad to help us while having a karaoke session at the side of the road at 11pm.

Flat.... like supermodel boobs.

And that's how I feel about my whole 2012 - like a stranded stranger on the side of the road, singing songs of happiness, of sadness and woes, waiting for someone or something to take me to the next stage of my life. The bus may come later on, or I may be singing more songs, may be singing it alone, maybe someone will be playing the guitar for me while I sing, or my friends will come and sing with me together. But we will all be sitting at the side of the road while cars pass us by, waiting and anticipating, whether a bus, a taxi, a bike, a van or just someone to walk us along.

2012 is another bus stand in my journey, with God watching me every step of the way...

2012 - The Memoir of A Novelist's Life in the Middle

That's just a pompous way to say "Memori May - Ogos"....

May 2012 - My Bestfriend's Wedding

Tim got married in May. Tim, who was with me through thick and thin since we were just seven, finally found her soul mate (in a rapid courtship) and we were there to celebrate her day with her. Nad bought a green fabric to be made into a scarf and we spent quite a while in Jakel doing so. That was on the 25th. On 26th, we went to find some last minute stuff for the wedding on 27th.

To tell you the truth, as much as we were extremely happy for her, we were still very conscious about an important thing - the fact that the next day, on 28 May, we were to attend our court trial. I mean, Mun was part eating, part studying her witness statement. The trial went for two days instead of three since the judge felt that more witnesses were not needed (as the case was very clear). Tim went to trial, despite being married for only a day. How many people can say that their very first two married days were spent in court?

But Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Everything went well at the time.

Oh, and May was the month that a kitten came to our house. I was extremely surprised because from the back, I thought it was Phibun, back from the dead, like in Stephen King's "Pet Sematary". At first, the kitten just came and went as he pleased, but little by little, he kinda turned our house into his own. With his stupid expression and weird things he does (like playing fetch), mum called him "Koyon" - short for Mangkuk Ayun. Yeah... trust mum to give embarrassing names.

June 2012 - Death and Roller Coasters

I had a short vacay in June - went to Genting Highlands with Mas and Jue, whom I haven't seen since IIUM, I think. It was part fun part scary trip. The scary part was that we were an intelligent being (*read sarcastically*). Instead of a safe return when it was still day, we decided to return after dark. The whole of Genting was filled with fog, Julia can't see anything while driving. We relied solely on the brake lights coming from the car in front of us. The only car in front of us.

To say that I was scared, not so much. I had the same experience back in 2010 while I was on a trip with Tim and Nurul in Kundasang. Same situation, same fog, but smaller and steeper road, no lights whatsoever. I had to put my head out and squint my eyes to make sure we didn't fall down the cliff. At one point, Tim's car was exactly at the edge of the cliff. THAT was shit. But in Genting, I had a different reason to fear. I mean, it was Genting. I don't want to die and have my story to be "dead. fell down the cliff back from Genting, the gambling city of Malaysia".

Realising that, I think I am not going there any time soon. My death story should be something like, "Died during sujud" or "Died after trying to save children from war-mongers".

July 2012 - The Prints, The Victory and the Deejay

I got my first agent in July. Yay! Met Abang Long at Pesta Buku Selangor and I was extremely thankful that he was there to help me. I mean, it's really hard for readers to find my old books in stores, and making it harder still is the fact that even nowadays you can't find it during book fairs. I mean, it's not even in Karangkraf Mall's list at one time. It's like playing "Where's Waldo" with my book, especially PLAIN JANE. With Abang Long and his website Arrazi.my, buying it online was made easier.

In July, I also had an interview with Berita Harian. It's actually for my good friend, Chaq's column. Every time people congratulate me for the article, I felt like I wronged them a little even if I explained it later because it was of course, Chaq's. But to tell you the truth, I LOVE being interviewed by own friend. It kinda made me feel so mature, not in the sense of being interviewed. More like, "Oh, look at us. You're a journalist and you are interviewing me, a novelist. We have actual jobs! Yay!"



Then I had my first interview on radio. It was not my year resolution or anything, but I finally done them all - TV, paper, magz, online TV, radio. If not for the fact that ibadah aku masih kurang, I can now die in peace. It was another type of experience. I mean, I have went to a radio conti before, back in IIUM. I accompanied a friend for UIA deejay audition and while waiting, I was like, what the heck, let's just try for the sake of it. Of course we were not picked. I sounded like a squirrel, and still do. That's not radio-friendly. But to be interviewed on radio is quite weird. You hear songs and your own voice combined in perfect (and squirelly) harmony.

And it was hard to keep focus when the deejay looks like someone I know. Oh, and sempat pergi lunch with Hani MJ, my junior in SMKAKS.

Oh and the best part of July was the last day, when Miss Shireen called us and said we won the case. After all the pain and suffering for the last three years, it was the best feeling in the world. I hope that we can feel that again this January after the appeal. Amin.

August 2012 - Ramadhan's Happiness and Syawal's Tragic Comedy

Ramadhan and Syawwal came in the same month. Mun and I was stuck in a bad traffic on 8th August while trying to get to IIUM. Why? Because I wanted to break my fast in IIUM and Mun once said that "If we win, I want to do tarawih at IIUM mosque." We went out at five, arrived around 8.30pm. No breaking the fast for me, but Mun resolved her nazar.

Then she left her water bottle. Never a day goes by whereby Mun remembered to take her water bottle home.

Lots and lots of iftar.... okay, I lied. I was busy in August, so we just had one iftar with Dinie, Mun and Deqnor. Wanted to try the Arabian cuisine but end up eating at Pak Long Steamboat. Nah, it's fine.

On Hari Raya, my lil cousin Ejal fell into the septic tank. Or, in layman's term, tangki taik. All deep in faeces, after the tank's cover broke. It was lucky that he fell into the shallow part of the tank and not the middle part. That would be a tragedy. But since it was not a tragedy, he grabbed the top spot in "Haji Wahab's Wall of Shame", and would be for a long time. I mean, how can anybody defeat the boy who fell into a pool of shit, aye?

To be continued on September's love, October's expenses, November's reunion and December's summation...

2012 - The Memoir of the first four months in the life of a novelist in solitude

Saje je bagi ayat poyo nak mamp.

I should be writing something, should I?
Something about 2012 closing its curtain and all that jazz.

So okay. Let's do this shit.

January 2012 - "The Beginning of an Era"

Started the year with a fizz, not with a bang. Because I was already 28 goin on 29 at the time, any attempt to be pretentiously cheerful and motivated will just be the act of... denial? pretension? desperation?... maybe all but none of the above. But I started 2012 with Karnival Karangkraf, which I guess, MAY be the only interesting thing in January because my journal said nothing about anything else except the word "27 Jan - Karnival Karangkraf".

I was not there as adult writer... (sounds as if I wrote porn), but as a member of the MCK group. I think the whole thing was a bit blur to me. Firstly, I didn't wear the official colour. Secondly, I spent quite a lot of time gossiping with Kak Sha (Shahriah Abdullah), whom I have not seen since 2010 and her involvement in "Masterchef'".

But our booth is extra pretty and I love all the details of the characters from the projects that was illustrated as the wallpaper (as you can see behind us in the pic).

February 2012 - "The Vacation"

Vacay at Grand Lexis, PD. Usually extremely expensive, but was on hot deal at the time, so Dinie suggested that we took it. Was the best decision ever. You can see the water and fishes swimming from the glass floor (okay,not whole floor, just a segment of the floor), your own private pool and all that. We ended up didn't go anywhere (except dinner at a seafood restaurant) and spent the whole vacay in the pool. I mean, the sea was not at its best, anyway. 

I kinda miss this kind of impromptu vacay. Afterwards, the year has been filled with lots of weddings and wedding preparations (not mine though). Have to do it again next year (not the wedding, the vacay!).  

Other than the vacay, we spent most of February in our lawyer's office, having heart attack over claims and counterclaims. Want a real adrenaline rush? Don't try bungee jumping. Try suing!

March 2012 - "The Engagement and the Loss"

March was a week of everything and nothing. I had a booksigning at UMW, Shah Alam with Kak Kamsiah Abu and Damya Hanna. Nobody actually approached us. Not even for Damya Hanna. It made us question the reason we were there and ended up chatting among ourselves in the end. Ahahaha. My cousin Dila got engaged to her beau, Khairi in an engagement event that was held at granma's house in Sri Menanti. It was me, her and Ikah to deal with all the work, since my sister was doing umrah at the time. But that was a few weeks after Tim's engagement.

Now, Tim's engagement to Ustaz Adnan was a quick one. They met each other around November/December, decided to get engaged in March and married in May. Why the rush, you asked? Heck, at 29, that is not a rush at all.

That month, I also had a lepak-activity with Zara Amani and Liza Nur at Liza's house in Ampang. In just two days, we planned a new novel, slept through the afternoon, had a karaoke in Semenyih, watched skydiving at Dataran Merdeka, and entah mana tah lagi.

Phibun in his heydays

But it was also a sad day for me, mainly because it was the same day I lost Phibun, my snowshoe buddy since 2008. Phibun was diagnosed with jaundice and there was nothing that we could do because it was already too late. I just regret the fact that I was not there to say goodbye.

To tell you the truth, I have not been browsing Phibun's pictures in ages, since it kinda makes me sad. I think that is why, Allah has been very kind to me when He gave us Koyon two months later - a personification of Phibun in various ways. Albeit weirder. I mean, the cat suddenly came to our house and made it his own dengan muka tak malunya.

Koyon, the stupider, sillier version of Phibun

April 2012 - "Being 29"

My birthday. And KL International Book Festival on the same day. I went to KLIBF four times, buying nothing. I don't like buying books at KLIBF. The queues are too long. I consider the extra I have to pay for the books at the store to be the amount of patience I have none, to be waiting in line.

Met a lot of readers, including Hana and Maryam (who wrote the first review for VN last year), Mia Kaftiya, also Moon Leya Zafrina, who will be making her debut early next year.

I was there again as one of MCK members instead of my individual books. I mean, the last book I wrote was Valentina Nervosa and that was in 2011. I wrote a lot of things in 2011 that I already planned for a break in 2012, but somehow none of them made it for 2012 publishing, and delayed to 2013. So, I guess we'll see about 2013, aye?

Then my besties for life, Nad and Mun decided to throw me a birthday celebration, which consists of lunch at San Francisco (the restaurant, not the city/county with the bridge on its merchandise), a plate of my favourite choc volcano cake (has ceased to be my favourite since its effect on my weight) and three different types of Secret Recipe cheesecakes. Nad also gave me a khat illustration thingy and a new tudung from Baheera.

I guess, being 29 has no definite meaning in my life. I have long stopped counting my age (I stopped at 23 and couldn't care less about it, until people kept asking me "What do you feel now that you're 29?".... "Err... like how I normally feel? Or should I start panicking about life in as dramatic way as possible?"

I mean, I consider myself blessed. I have great friends (I mean, we have been extremely destroyed by our business together, and yet Alhamdulillah, we're still together), I have a great family, I am already doing my dream job, I escaped bad relationships, I have my readers and I have never regret ever resigned from my permanent job. At 29, I already half way through my dreams. It's easy for us to overlook all the nikmat and talk about the things we have yet to achieve, but if you look back, everything was meant to be and I would not want my 29 to be anything less.

Except for the court case, I guess.

To be continued.... 

Those songs... Part III (HIgh School Musical?)

Pergh, the third version datang lambat gila. Ini disebabkan aku terlalu sibuk dan terpaksa bagi laluan pada entry yang tak embed with Youtube vids supaya blog aku ni tak hanged.

Anyways, ini lagu2 yang mengingatkan aku tentang zaman2 remaja di SMKA Kuala Selangor

RABITAH HATI



Maaflah sebab suara yang menyanyi ni ada lari key kat second verse (and almost every verse). Tapi masa zaman sekolah, kitorang lebih menganggap lagu ni macam lagu sekolah berbanding our actual lagu sekolah sampai komposer lagu sekolah kitorang kecik ati. Ahahahaha.
Eh, sape yang nyanyi kat Youtube ni? Maghfirah la, bukan maghrifat. Apakah itu maghrifat? Cheh.

TEMAN - XPDC



Tapi lagu ni memang cam lagu yang sangat popular masa aku sekolah menengah. Semua orang kalau dengar lagu ni memang akan tunggu bahagian "ku nanti nanti nanti nanti sendiri lagi".

WINDS OF CHANGE - SCORPION



Apalah bebudak remaja ini faham tentang the fall of the Berlin Wall atau signifikan lagu ni dengan peristiwa tu. Pada kitorang, lagu ini adalah lagu yang kitorang akan dengar setiap pagi sebab pekerja dewan makan akan bukak radio dan main lagu Scorpion. Setiap kali dengar lagu ni, aku teringat era form one. Aku sangat tak suka era form one. Asik jadi bahan buli orang je.

STANDING IN THE EYES OF THE WORLD - ELLA


Of course kitorang sangat ingat lagu ni sebab masa kitorang form three, kitorang perform lagu ni masa jamuan akhir tahun ASPURI. Tapi kitorang buat versi nasyid. Masitah was the solo singer. Aku ingat aku tgh tido dalam bilik waktu tengah hari sebab migrain, bila suddenly bebudak bilik aku kejut and kata, "Weyh, kitorang nak buat nasyid untuk jamuan aspuri. Lagu Standing in the Eyes of the World". Asalkan tak suruh aku yang jadi solo, aku ok kan je. Ahahahaha.

SENJA NAN MERAH - AWIE & ZIANA ZAIN



Aku sangat ingat lagu ni sebab dulu ada sorang senior kitorang mengorat Masitah dengan lagu ni. Setiap kali si Mas lalu depan kelas diorang, dia akan panggil, "Masitah!", and then bila minah tu menoleh, dia sambung "...kita termangu di bawah pepohon..." seolah2 dia sebenarnya sebut "Masihkah" dan bukan "Masitah". Kalau bukan disebabkan dia memang buat lawak yang sama every single day, kitorang tak perasan pon dia tengah mengusik si Mas.

SALAM TAJ MAHAL - UMIE AIDA



Zaman2 sangat obses dengan M.Nasir, aku tengok filem yang sebenarnya tak best mana ni disebabkan M.Nasir berlakon jadi watak Masterji, siap curik tengok kat kantin sekolah waktu riadah. Pastu hari-hari nyanyi lagu ni, although sebenarnya lagu ni tak sedap pon. Ahahahahaha.

PUJI-PUJIAN - RAIHAN



Masa aku form two, suddenly Malaysia was exploded with the nasyid revolution. It started with Raihan and this song. Masa album ni keluar, aku pesan kat Redzwan Shah (Motot) untuk belikan kasetnya (ya, kaset. Sungguh antik. Ahahahha) kat Tanjong Karang. Bila gotong-royong je mesti main lagu ni. Bila nasyid jadi satu in-thing masa tu, bebudak yang sekolah agama suma rasa cam best and sangat advance in the trend. Suddenly semua orang pun minat bebudak nasyid. Ahaha.

KESILAPANKU KEEGOANMU - SITI NURHALIZA



Ya, zaman aku adalah zaman kegemilangan Siti. Aku tak minat Siti, sebab masa tu aku rasa aku terlalu cool dan cuma dengar lagu M.Nasir je. Aahahahaha. But aku ada seorang senior satu dorm. Katil dia sebelah katil aku dan kekadang bila kitorang boring, dia memang sangat suka Siti dan akan menyanyi lagu ni. Then dia tak sambung belajar kat SMKAKS bila masuk form four. Then I heard she joined BINTANG RTM. Tak lama lepas tu dia join MALAYSIAN IDOL Season 2. Tak lama lepas tu dia join GANGSTARZ under the group AKASIA. She was then known as Oya Akasia. But during those time I knew her, she was only known as Kak Suria.

AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME - BACKSTREET BOYS


Zaman aku remaja, the world was all about boybands. One of the most popular song at the time was ALAYLM. Masa tu BSB macam the pioneer to other boybands with cheesy dances and stupid sing-along lyrics. Unbeknownst to me, when I am at the age of 29, the world is again under the helm of cheesy dances and stupid sing-along lyrics. And it's called K-Pop.

BISO BONAR - HATTAN



Oih, orang kampong den. I love this song, but the bus driver yang bawak bas Metro Kuala Selangor - Klang suka sangat bukak lagu ni time kitorang balik dari asrama atau dari rumah nak balik asrama, sampai setiap kali aku dengar lagu ni, aku teringat bau bas, its constant brake dan suara announcement "Satu ringgit satu ringgit. Kain murah satu ringgit!" kat Ocean Klang.

JIKA - MELLY GOESLAW



Lagu pertama Indonesia yang jadi sangat hit kat Malaysia pada tahun 1999 sampai menyebabkan hampir bertahun lamanya radio Malaysia filled with Indonesian songs. During that time, aku tingkatan empat. Khaty (Faizatul Ismah) suka buat konsert kat barisan belakang dan nyanyi lagu ni time perhimpunan whilst waiting for perhimpunan dimulakan.

DENGARKANLAH - AMY MASTURA



Masa aku form four, budak bilik aku si Yak suka menyanyi lagu ni sambil meniru gaya Amy Mastura menyanyi. Kitorang suka stack tilam tinggi2, and then jadikan pentas, and she would be singing it sambil gayakan fesyen rambut Amy Mastura at that time. Yes, we were in need of entertainment at that time. Yak je sumber entertainment kitorang. Ahahaha.

IF YOU ONLY KNEW - GIL & THE MOFFATS



Lagu favourite Zunn masa form four. The Moffats was the 90s Jonas Brothers.


 

Those Songs... Part II (Working Years)

Minggu lepas lagu2 masa zaman UIA kan... Ha ni lagu era bekerja pulak. Bila aku kata lagu era bekerja, maksud aku lagu2 yang aku dengar masa aku masih lagi bekerja sepenuh masa dengan CO.

(Masukkan penerangan aku yg panjang lebar tentang ofis di sini mengikut sesuka hati anda, sebab aku malas nak tulis)



Lagu ni macam lagu tema tahun 2008. Sebab aku balik kerja naik bas. Dan sambil tunggu bas, aku dengar mp3. And lagu Glen Hansard- Marketa Irglova yang paling banyak dalam mp3 aku. And masa ni era filem "Once". Like semua orang kat ofis cam pernah tengoklah. That's the thing with working in an office that is very cinema and cinematic-centered. Kalau sorang kata filem best, sume org akan tengok so sume org akan tahu citer tu.



Aku bennnnnci gila lagu ni. Benci nak mampos. And aku bagitau member meja sebelah aku, si Wahi, yang aku benci lagu ni. One day, tetibe Wahi cam, "Syahida, aku nak tujukan lagu untuk kau, boleh? Special untuk kau." And then he blasted this song. Kuasam punya makhluk.



Ini lagu alarm clock. Member ku kata, "Kalau ko suka lagu tu, janganlah buat jadi alarm clock. Sebab ko akan benci lagu tu." Tapi somehow, walaupun setiap pagi aku annoyed bila jam berbunyik suh aku bangun, aku tetap tak benci lagu ni. Who can hate Liyana Fizi's voice?



Ini humming-browsing song. Maksudnya, waktu tengah carik bahan nak tulis artikel atau buat kerja profile thingy amende tah aku dah tak ingat, mesti akan hum lagu ni. Sebab seriously memang tak akan berjaya nyanyi dengan suara normal, jadi the best you can do to actually sing the whole song ialah dengan humming. Dan otak rasa lebih segar hum lagu ni sementara buat kerja. (Alasan bohong yang menutup alasan sebenar yang lebih haru dan pilu... ahahaha).



Lagu paling best bila stress dengan kerja. Aku rasa Lan memang diciptakan untuk menjerit setiap masa. Setiap kali dengar lagu ni, teringat ayam rangka pasar rabu kat stadium Shah Alam.



Ya, lagu ini kalau first time dengar, anda pasti akan berkerut dahi dan cam, "What the f-..." Tapi habis je main, suddenly you realise you're humming the tune. Masa ni filem Mendadak Dangdut baru keluar kat wayang dan editor aku macam sangat smitten dengan Titi Kamal so every single freakin day dia akan nyanyi that part, "Lai lai lai lai panggil aku si jablai, abang jarang pulang, aku jarang dibelai..." This is brainwashing song. You can't get it out of your head. And it always reminds me of my editor's morning cologne. It kinda came together in some horrifying harmony.



Dulu meja aku bersambung dengan Wahi, Maria dan Zim. So somehow kitorang akan end up menyanyi sama2 tanpa sebab. Kdg2 dari playlist Wahi (yg lebih contemporary), kdg2 ikut playlist Maria (yg lebih brutal) and kadang2 dr playlist Zim yang range from the most bingit songs to the most classic, cam lagu P. Ramlee... and there was this one time tetibe sume org nyanyi lagu Kg Pening Lalat ni. Entah pesal tah. Most probably sebab tension dgn ade la org tu. Ahahahaha.




Aku selalu dengar lagu2 Pete Yorn dan Scarlett Johansson (yes, THAT Scarlett Johansson) masa era2 aku baru berenti kerja dan habiskan the first two months of my non-working time siapkan AKN. So lagu ni sentiasa mengingatkan aku tentang era2 aku insomnia dan tak cukup tido. Suara Scarlett yang cam serak2 tu menggambarkan mood aku setiap pagi.

Those songs.... Part I

Aku bukan tak ada kerja. Kerja aku bertimbun. Tapi aku rasa macam:
a) Blog dah lama tak update
b) Blog dah lama tak update
c) I need to look at something that ain't work.

So.
Oh, by the way, minggu lepas, aku dan Shikin (Liza kerja office jadi dia tak dapat join. Meanwhile, Nurul Syahida dan Zara Amani adalah dua insan yang bekerja sesuka hati. Atau nama lainnya, "Career Casanovna". Why Casanovna dan bukan Casanova? Aku ikut Russian punya mufrad muannas, you know, contoh: anak lelaki kepada Ibrahim will be Ibrahimova. Anak perempuan kepada Ibrahim is Ibrahimovna. Kenapa aku kena terangkan sistem yang complicated atas tujuan tak penting ni?

Anyways, kitorang pi jumpa Encik Ali, editor kami, dan katanya, novel trio insya-Allah keluar pada Pesta Buku Antarabangsa bulan empat nanti. Ya, saya tahu agak lambat. Maafkan saya. Nanti kitorang bagi banyak2 freebies eh?

Anyways, semalam duk dengar lagu-lagu zaman belajar. Tiba-tiba terfikir nak senaraikan semua lagu-lagu tu for reminiscing sake. Inilah antara lagu-lagu yang mewarnai hidup aku zaman UIA dulu. Iza, Chaq, Zeti, Ika, Niza, Kak Mar, Emi (ni sume senarai orang yang pernah satu bilik dengan aku) dan yang lain-lain surely ingat.....................................



Lagu favourite Iza sebenarnya. Aku terpengaruh dengan dia sebab hampir setiap hari dia bukak lagu ni. Ini time Iza selalu ke sana ke mari dengan fail biru dia dan masih pakai spek dan masih lagi suka menggunakan istilah "Apa kes?" bila bercakap. Ahahahaha.



Disebabkan Iza mempengaruhi aku untuk dengar lagu dia, aku cuba mempengaruhi dia dengan lagu favourite aku. Aku tak ingat kenapa ni dulu lagu favourite aku. I think once upon a time aku nak kawin dengan Wes Scantlin. Oh, good times... good times...



Ha, ni memang normal. Semua orang dengar lagu ni pada tahun2 ini. Paling best dengar lagu ni sambil study exam atau buat enam assignments 15 pages each back to back. Duk jerit korus buat hilang stress.



Ya, semua orang tahu lagu ni. Tapi let me tell you, o you students of today yang senang2 boleh download sume mende dan tengok kat Youtube. Pada zaman aku belajar, masa semua benda kat internet menggunakan font Times New Roman, cara anda mendapatkan lagu ini adalah dengan meminjam CD-R berisik lagu. Aku tatau siapa tuan empunya CD sebenar, tapi lagu ni disebarkan dengan cara A pinjamkan CD dia kat B untuk dimasukkan dalam komputer, C burn dari B, D burn dari C dan seterusnya.



Aku biasanya menjengkelkan orang dengan mendengar lagu Jay Chou. Tapi lagu ni satu-satunya lagu Jay Chou yang semua orang boleh accept. Aku tak tahu kenapa. Bila dengar balik, rasanya muzik dia biasa je.



Sebagai pembekal lagu-lagu cina di bilik aku (as in player aku paling banyak lagu cina), aku juga pembekal lagu ni, lagu mandarin yang paling banyak orang amik dari aku sebab lagu METEOR GARDEN.



Aku tak tahu mana Iza dapat, tapi satu hari tu dia balik dengan CD video klip Peterpan. Masa tu aku tak kenal sapa itu Peterpan sebab aku tak suka dengar lagu Indonesia era2 tu, sebab kononnya aku cool. Ahahahaha. Tapi masa tu agak jakun ah, sebab sharing music videos is still a new thing masa tu......... oh My God, bunyik macam aku hidup era Prohibition!



Ini lagu yang aku selalu dengar dalam bas on the way balik ke rumah setiap hari masa aku buat keputusan untuk tak duduk hostel masa amik short sem third year. Kepala hotak bijak punya idea. Aku dah susun jadual aku cantik2 supaya memudahkan kerja balik rumah (walhal makan dua jam perjalanan sekali pergi, semata2 sebab nak jimat takyah bayar hostel), tapi tetibe Rahman Tang ubah jadual ikut suka dia, menyebabkan aku kena bangun awal pagi untuk kejar LRT ke UIA dan sampai umah waktu maghrib. Every single day. Jadi setiap kali aku terdengar lagu ni sekarang, aku boleh terhidu bau ekzos bas Intrakota warna merah tu (sekarang dah tukar ke RapidKL)



Ini lagu favourite Chaq. Sementara orang lain semua dengar player kat komputer, dia duk dengar radio stesyen klasik. Dia la yag ko harapkan kalau nak berduet lagu Bee Gees atau ABBA dalam bilik.



Dulu aku suka buat lawak bangang dengan Julia. Setiap kali nampak dia, I'll be like, "Julia, aku dah cuba dah..." and sambil mengerut dahi dia tanya, "Dah cuba apa?"
And then you'll go, "Ku dah cuba hidup tanpa dirimuuuuuu..." It was such a stupid pun, I think Jue hated it. Ahahahahaha.



Speaking of.... Aku buat lawak bangang yang sama dengan Seff kat UIA. Like, "Hey Sefia!", Seff will be like, "Apa?" and I'll go "Malam ini ku takkan puuuulaaaaangggg..."
Ahahaha, mannn, I was corny.



Mendengar lagu KORN bukan sebab pretentiously ganas. Dengar lagu KORN sebab lagu album ni sangat best. Masa era dengar walkman, inilah lagu yang aku dengar dalam bas supaya aku tak tertidur.............. okeh, aku still tertidur jugak, with Jonathan Davies voice and all. But anyway, kalau korang tengok BLEACH, mesti perasan bahawasanya bahagian langit retak tu sangat sama.



Yeah yeah... I know. It was experimental. I was on that era di mana aku dengar all kinds of music and finding out what kind of music I like (which end up dengan lagu2 era Rat Pack and Doris Day, how ironic). Still, Cypres Hill yo. Gotta admit, it was good. After the first minute, you'll feel like you can go gangsta *gangsta duckface, downward peace*. Ahahahaha.

Once upon a teh-segan

Once upon a time in 2004, ketika aku masih belajar di UIA, aku telah memulakan sebuah blog. Aku belum lagi jadi seorang novelis but I was eager to let people know what I think... that is, IF there are readers at all. But at the time, readers were not important. Apa yang penting ialah getting your words across.

Aku registered masuk blogdrive (it was the first link in yahoo at that time). And I called it teh-segan. Why? Same ol same ol. Dalam bahasa arab, Shai means "Teh" dan Shy in English means "Malu", but I preferred the word Segan rather than Malu.

Aku rasa aku tak pernah berhenti menulis dalam teh-segan sejak 2004. Ada banyak benda dalam tu yang menampakkan perubahan cara aku berfikir all these years, more than any pictures can tell. There was the time when I was so into Jay Chou. There was a time when I was so critical about politics. There was also the time when I can't get over how much I hate Yasmin Hani (tak benci dah. It was a temporary thing), Erra Fazira (tak benci dah. Also a temporary thing) and Dr. Fazley (I still find him annoying, but whatever). There was that time when I wrote about how my bestfriend (Iza) punya stalker suka stalk aku sekali, yang memberikan aku idea bahawa it is quite annoying being a pretty girl's fat sidekick and make me understand why sidekicks always ada low self-esteem dan sangat sensitive terhadap people's comments. There was also that time when I was in a rut tak dapat kerja, the time when I think that Michael Scofield is the best man ever exist on TV, the time when Mr Darcy is the best man ever exist in literature and when I started to gain readership, and was known as "that sarcastic blogger". 

Teh-segan jugak memperkenalkan aku pada my two blogger-buddies - Masni dan Jis. 

It was also filled with my day-to-day activities when I was working in CO - the stars and celebrities I met, how I think of them (to which my bosses made me delete it...... ahahaha) and what I think of my colleagues. It was filled with all the praise I have for the workplace, all the stupidity that made me leave it and all the reasons why I still freelance for it. It also filled with every dreams, every one of them yang berjaya aku tunaikan (ada degree dalam Polsc, jadi novelis, kerja bebas, jumpa orang yang aku nak jumpa, cam Mamat Khalid dan Mustapha Maarof... yeah, I do think that he was the shizzz in BAWANG PUTIH BAWANG MERAH... ahaha)... ia juga filled with semua benda yang crushed me to a point where I can't breathe, bisnes yang lingkup, heartbreaks, pekerjaan dalam bidang Polsc yang tak berjaya didapati.

Aku berhenti menulis dalam teh-segan awal tahun ni. Our lawyer told us that they wanted to get on with suing the defendant, so I decided that I will not let us lose the case just for some stupid angry things that I might have written here and there on the blog. So aku tutup blog tu buat sementara waktu, dengan niat that as soon as the case concluded, aku akan bukak semula.

Tapi kes tu dah conclude Julai lepas. 

Masni, yang aku kenal masa dia masih belajar, dah jadi lecturer dan dah ada MA.

Jis, yang aku kenal masa dia masih di MMU dah pun jadi PTD dan in a relationship.

Sesetengah link blog yang ada kat teh-segan dah pun berubah dan dah ditutup oleh ownernya.

Nuffnang dah lama stop counting visitors coming.

Visitors pun dah lama beralih ke blog ini. Yang tak tau kewujudan blog ni pulak dah lama jumpa hobi lain dan berhenti interested in reading strangers' blogs.

Aku bukan lagi pompuan sarcastic yang ada opinion about every single brouhaha in the world, cusses like nobody's business atau perempuan yang can take another legal suit for things she said/wrote. Things yang betul-betul private dah jadi betul-betul private, not private 'sikit je' for people to know. 

Tahun depan aku dah 30 tahun. I dun wanna be the same person I was when I was 23. I am not the same person as her, anyway. 

So, like I always said in teh-segan.... toodles!

Reminder: nurulsyahida-thewriter will be the only blog yang NS ada. Any other blogs menggunakan nama NS atau nama novel2 NS bukan milik NS.   

Shai - The Amazing Gift Hoarder

I keep things.
Things that meant a lot. Things that people gave me. Things that I can't let go. Things I did. But some things are better left forgotten. Kept somewhere unseen. Thrown away.

Not some of these things, though...

Tulip ungu tu dibagi oleh Nad sebagai hadiah birthday masa aku form two. It came with a birthday card. Sayangnya aku tak jumpa mana kad tu. In 2010, she gave me the rose bottle. I am still contemplating tentang apa yang aku nak isi dalam tu. Memula kekonon nak isik semua impian dalam tu, tapi sejak berusia 29 tahun, bila ada impian aku terus buat je. Hmmm... mungkin aku patut masukkan impian nak beli banglo kat Cihampelas dalam tu. Atau impian kahwin dengan Dude Harlino.... (kenapa impian aku semuanya ada kat Indonesia? Banyak sangat kerja translate sinetron la nih)

Ika, roommate dan junior aku kat UIA bagi message in a bottle tu kat aku sebagai hadiah perpisahan masa final year kat UIA in 2006. In 2004, Iza bagi aku scented candle tu. Asalnya scented candle tu warna biru dengan seashells kat dalamnya. Sekarang dah bertukar warna. Aku tak nak guna. Sayang weyh, member bagi (bodeklah kawan anda yang bekerja sebagai lecturer untuk kebaikan masa hadapan. haha)

I have always wanted a dartboard. So habis sekolah je, ini benda pertama yang aku beli dengan duit yang mak cik aku bagi sebagai hadiah SPM. The butterfly was Mun's gift untuk convocation. It's a symbollic thing - meaning to fly, now that I have finished my studies... for me, lah. Mungkin Mun just beli sebab benda tu cantik, mana aku tau apa dia punya pemahaman. Ahahaha.

Can't play an instrument. But I sure can play kompang yo.

  

KUNGFU HUSTLE soundtrack yang ada tandatangan Stephen Chow in 2004. Yes, yang bulat2 macam contengan hapentah tu adelah tandatangan Sing Jai sendiri. This is the closest I can get to him. Closer than that, I will become a Stephen Chow stalker. Haha.

Mug tu adalah hadiah harijadi daripada bapak sedara aku masa aku darjah enam. Aku suka mug tu sebab it's not perfect. It was made to be senget benget dan banyak imperfection. The blue SHY thing adalah hadiah perpisahan yang si Mun buat untuk aku, Tim dan Nad lepas habis tingkatan lima. It wud have been more meaningful if aku dah tak jumpa Mun selama sepuluh tahun. Masalahnya setiap bulan jumpa. Tak Sisterhood of Travelling Pants langsung. Hahaha.

Punca aku simpan tag MEDIA untuk event Michael Jackson and event Kim Ha-neul and Kang Ji-hwan ini adalah kerana inilah event terakhir/work trip luar Malaysia yang aku pergi sebagai media. After the Singapore trip, PTPTN bertindak kejam terhadap aku. Terpaksalah aku bekerja dalam Malaysia je.

Ini hadiah birthday yang makdik bagi masa darjah tiga rasanya. Dalam tu ada tiga batang pensel, pembaris dan pemadam. Sampai sekarang masih retain bentuk asalnya. Sayang nak guna sebab cantik sangat.

Ini kotak barang kemas yang makcik bagi. Rasanya makcik bagi masa form four. Dulu aku simpan barang kemas dalam tu. Tapi lepas tu semuanya tangle sesama sendiri, so akhirnya aku isik beads and buttons je dalam tu. Sampai sekarang, every few days aku akan lap supaya berkilat. 

The first one adalah lakaran design t-shirt yang aku buat untuk adik sepupu aku tapi lepas tu aku lupa bagi dia dan dia lupa nak tanya dan akhirnya terus dilupakan. Aku menggunakan muka Jay Chou sebagai sampel. Sebelah tu ialah zaman aku nak try lukis potret so aku lukis muka Chaq. Then I found out that I hate making portraits sebab it takes a long time and a lot of people can do it. So aku tinggalkan terus. As they say, "Never invest in something that won't give you a lot of profit." Ahahaha.

Ini fail masa aku second year kat UIA. Zaman obses Jay Chou sampai fail pun ada muka dia. Bila piker sekarang, rasa macam sangat nonsense je masa tu, luar gamba Jay Chou, dalam nota Usul Fiqh. 

Tiap-tiap tahun mesti buat kerja ni. Add subject, pergi first class, didn't like it, drop the subject. Aku rasa El-Fatih dah naik muak sign drop form aku tetiap semester. Budak ni tak ada keputusan hidup betul.

Masa aku form three back in 1998, I heard of a bombing in Kenya and Tanzania. It was the first time the name Osama bin Laden was mentioned in a big way... globally. Put aside the question of holy war and whatnot. What interest me is the story of a son of a wealthy family who left everything for a life in the run. In 1999, I started compiling news about the guy. This was before 9/11. Sangat susah nak jumpa news about Bin Laden before 9/11. After 9/11, I stopped compiling sebab berita pasal dia bersepah and compiling each and every one of em will only turn my file into an encyclopaedia.  

It was my poetry diary. Tempat aku tulis puisi. It was my "thing" masa study kat UIA. 

The many many Jay Chou album since the first one. Actually aku start dengan his third album, "Eighth Generation" (because I was in love with "Hui Dao Guo Qu"), and then beli yang second and first. Album first sangat susah nak jumpa unless ko masuk kedai muzik yang memang khas untuk album artis cina sahaja. Pada zaman tu, kalau ko masuk kedai beli album Jay Chou, orang kedai pandang kau sambil tanya, "You sure?" especially when you don't actually speak the language, bertudung dan ada kad matric UIA dalam wallet. It became a source of amusement to them bila ko miming lagu "An Hao" depan diorang, as if you're a performing monkey. Hahaha. 

And Taiwanese singers always keluarkan stuff. Memula keluar album. Then keluar the music video VCDs or DVD. Then concert album. OST for movies. Oyh. The last album aku beli before I stop was his seventh, "Still Fantasy". Masa tu dia dah start berlakon and his songs were not as good as the ones when he was just the lanky dude from Linkou who loves his mum, Jet Li's movies and composing songs. So I stopped.