Ramblings of a Woman Who Finds Herself on a Sudden Break From Work

2017 bakal menutup tirai (bakal menutup tirai? Ini essay Bahasa Melayu tahun 1999 ke?), dan aku tak rasa aku buat apa-apa yang hebat tahun ni. Sure, aku keluarkan dua buah novel, but pfft, who doesn't?

But still, 2017 adalah tahun yang sangat bermakna dalam hidup aku, kerana ada dua ulangtahun yang disambut tahun ni.

1. The tenth anniversary of me working with Cinema Online

2. The tenth anniversary of SOALNYA HATI, my first novel ever.

Aku tak tahu nak cerita apa sebenarnya. Tapi hari ni aku diberi cuti secara willy-nilly oleh editor aku (sebab dia cuti), so aku pun just turn to the blog yang dah bersawang ni. Aku boleh je gunakan masa tu unuk tulis novel, tapi hakikatnya sekarang ni aku memang tak ada mood langsung nak tulis novel. Tahukah anda aku ada lima manuskrip baru, currently in the works? Yes. Lima. L-I-M-A, which is also the capital of Peru.

(you should know by now that this is the kind of blog-writing with no direction at all. I could be talking about the anniversaries of the two things I just mentioned, or it could just be a rambling  about nothing in particular)

I always think I'm this when I write

But I am actually this

 Mari aku ceritakan apa lima manuskrip yang tak siap-siap tu. Pertama, tajuk dia "Si Skema vs. Puan Sabi". Adakah bunyinya idiotic and uninteresting? I bet it is. It sounds awful. But during the process of writing a novel, aku akan letak je apa2 tajuk asalkan aku paham apa bendanya yang aku tengah tulis. Kalau aku letak tajuk "Semerah Darah Cinta" or poetic things like that, nanti esok lusa aku lupa apa benda yang aku tulis. It won't be the final choice of a title though, because I hate it. 

Secondly, sebuah novel bertajuk "Facebook Friend". Ahahahahahahaha. Satu lagi tajuk mengong yang tak melambangkan apa-apa melainkan apa yang perlu aku tahu. It revolves around a divorced couple. I have written four chapters worth, but I kinda hate it at this point.

Thirdly, a project called "Nat", or maybe "Alan", or maybe "That English-Language Project Shai left Halfway Because She Thinks She Needs To Take Literature Classes Before She Can Continue and Boy oh Boy She Should Have Taken ENGLISH LIT When She Was in IIUM Because Seriously...."

Fourth, an anthology called "Night Terrors" yang aku hentikan halfway sebab halfway through I was like, "Who is going to publish an English horror anthology in Malaysia from a writer known for women's journey of self-discovery?"

Fifth, "Bekas Isteri Mr. Darcy". Yet again, a God-awful title banking on the Pride and Prejudice Train. But it's not. Really. It's just a commentary about how people keep wanting their protagonist's love interest to be this wealthy gentleman when truthfully there aren't a lot of wealthy gentlemen in the world. Aku dah tulis separuh, but then again, like always, I fell into the deep ocean of busyness and self-loathing, where I ask questions to meself like, "Do people even care to educate themselves?", "Who are you to think you're good enough to educate people?", "Shai is full of herself again, she needs to go and take a walk at midnight and realise she's just a dust in this universe filled with stars.", "am I a writer? or just an opinionated asshole who luckily gets a platform to be an asshole?"

Oh, by the way, I recently read a comment online about AWAK SUNGGUH PERFECT, where the commenter said that it isn't one of my best work since it's quite dramatic. She said that the way you know how dramatic a book is is when there are airport scenes, and ASP has a lot of it.

Yes, there was Lokman going to UK for the first time and him asking Kat to wait for him.
Then there's Atie leaving Malaysia after her pregnancy.
Also, there's Atie again, going back to the UK to find her kid.
There IS a lot of airport scenes.

So, I told my friend about the comment, and she asked me, "Kau kecik hati ke dengan komen tu?", and I'm like, "What? No! Aku cuma rasa ralat sebab aku tak pernah terfikir pun pasal the whole thing about dramas and airports!"

It was a genius observation, and I am unhappy that I wasn't the one who came up with that. That is sooo true. Why is it that every time ada klimaks to a story, mesti ada karakter yang nak membawa diri ke luar negara? That is soooo cliche! And I am part of that cliche! Damn it, I should have realised that!

Kudos to the commenter!

Hmmm... I think cukuplah ramblings ni. I will now immerse myself in kuaci-eating self-loathing session.

Ants Ants Ants

I champion black ants.

Not the thick one usually found on rambutan or mangosteen trees, but the normal domestic black ants, also known as common house ants.

I hate it when people kill those ants.

My mum is often annoyed that I wouldn't let her wash them away whenever they gathered inside a plate and steal leftovers. I'm like, "Mum, all you have to do is tap your hands on the table or the plate and they will go away in seconds!"

And why do you ask, that I like them so much?

Because they're friendlier than what comes next when they left their colony or being exterminated by pest control. You have the odorous ants, commonly known as 'semut busuk'or 'semut mayat', that don't care if you tapped the plate or the table, and will leave the terrible odour if you wipe them off the table. And they like to make nests in things that don't make any sense. Like in the cover of my favourite DVD, or my water bottle. Or God forbid, my books!

Then there's another species of ants, which is much much smaller than the odorous ants.

I hate them.

They're slow, they don't care and won't budge no matter how many times you shake the plate. And they bite. And they are so small, that sometimes you won't see them roaming around inside the carpet. Sometimes they bite you while you're asleep and all you see are red marks or bumps on your skin the next day. And they gather everywhere.

Of course, the best thing to have is no ants at all. But that is almost impossible, since we're living in a old terrace house, where there are cracks everywhere.

The existence of black ants helps minimise these other pesky ants.

A friend of mine tried exterminating all the black ants despite my telling her that she should't do so. What happens now? She has fire ants now.

Fire-friggen-ants!

Love your black ants, people!

two hands | one head | five different work

Sorry sorry sorry. 

Agak busy bulan ni. FB pun tak berapdet.

Meanwhile, you can read my other works here:

"John Carter" Review
Lima Filem Latiff Ibrahim
Top 10 Filem Pontianak Terbaik

The Well

I am a woman stuck in a water well - hating every dirt, rocks and pieces. Drenched and cold, hating the water's taste and yet only have that to keep on living.

She can climb back up, but she's too scared she would fall inside again, so she is just waiting for the well owner to pull her up and kick her out.

If only the owner would kick her out and restrict her from the well.

It becomes clearer

Death becomes clearer through bloodshot eyes



It was the last song on Shah's facebook last Friday.


Aku tak tau nak tulis apa. I would never understand and I don't event want to pretend like I will understand the depth of despair during this trial times for Hawa dan little Qiesya.  Let's just sedekahkan Al-Fatihah buat Allahyarham Shah Reedza, beloved husband and father of a 2 year old girl.


Al-Fatihah.