The only way for them to cut my belly is by a sword... (my hospital story Part 1)

Pada asalnya aku tak nak menulis pasal surgery aku. I mean, fine, when it was about my dad, I have no issue writing about him because writing about my dad's CKD and sharing his photos on Instagram tak ubah macam satu terapi untuk aku. In the future, I want to go back and think about it with fondness, and to see all the photos, to see how much we have gone through on the road to his recovery.

When it comes to my own health issues, I would rather keep it to myself.

Tapi bila aku fikir balik, masa aku duk Google pasal treatment aku, aku tak jumpa banyak blog yang cerita pasal benda ni, at least bukan blogs yang ditulis oleh someone in Malaysia, yang boleh aku jadikan rujukan. Kebanyakannya ditulis oleh orang luar, yang dapatkan treatment hospital luar. Jadi aku piker, tak apalah. Let's share this, since whenever my friends sent me texts asking me about it, they all have the same question : How did you detect it? How can I detect it?

So first and foremost, why was I in the hospital? Oh, it was something trivial. It was ovarian cyst. To describe it further, it was a 10-cm ovarian cyst the size of a blood orange (I have thought of other fruits, but I just think that the word "blood orange" is most suitable for it ahahaha).

Let's go back to the start.

For the past few months since late 2018 aku memang ada syak something wrong. I would have this throbbing contracting pain on my lower left side. Sakit tu datang macam dua ke tiga jam, excruciating throbbing pain macam something menolak2 atau mengembang. Tapi masa tu bapak aku asik ulang alik hospital, jadi aku macam malas nak deal dengan penyakit sendiri. Kalau dibuatnya gi doktor dan dia kata kena warded, pening kepala family aku nak ulang alik dari satu hospital ke hospital lain. I would take ENO, lepas tu tidur, dan it would go away.

On 8 February 2019, I started to feel that throbbing excruciating mind-numbing pain again. Aku cuba ENO, tak jalan. Tapi tak berani amik painkiller sebab aku syak it got something to do with my kidneys (bila bapak ko CKD, kau jadi hyper aware dengan kesihatan buah pinggang kau). The same day, kucing aku mengamuk dan gigit tangan aku, dan it went numb. So memang makcik terseksa weh. Perut belah kiri sakit gila, tangan kanan tak boleh genggam. Sepanjang waktu tu duk Google penyakit, walaupun kau tahu jawapan kepada sakit ialah "jumpa doktor". A slew of results came out for "excruciating lower left abdominal pain". There were diverticulitis, appendicitis, batu karang, CKD, ovarian cancer (but of course, all roads to health-related Google will end up to with the C-word).

Sabtu 9 Februari. Sakit tak hilang, so aku pon pergi AVISENA. Bukan sebab aku kaya, tapi sebab tak tertampung sakit ni nak tunggu orang ramai kat hospital kerajaan. Buat urine test, doktor kata okey je. Dia bagi ubat untuk buang angin, tetanus shot for my numbing hand from the cat bite, and antibiotik (itu pun untuk cat bite). Bam, RM210 dia charge. Balik rumah, makin sakit lagi ada la. At 4.30pm, I could no longer hold it, so I asked my sister to take me to AVISENA again. This time to the ER.

Blood test, urine test again. Doktor kata ada blood in urine. The last urine test probably silap sebab diorang tak explain betul2 how it should be done. You actually have to pee a bit, stop, then pee again. The second part baru kumpul. Don't ask me why that is. That's what the doctor told me. Doktor kata suspect batu karang.  Ironiknya, dua minggu sebelum tu, kitorang baru melawat Kakdik, jiran kitorang kat AVISENA yang kena undergo surgery batu karang. Tapi a call with my aunt, who said that she had a cyst and it was the same symptom, made me believe the latter. Truthfully, aku lebih prefer the latter, sebab batu karang is a nuisance.

Went for X-ray dan CT scan. Akak aku uruskan kemasukan wad. I have two takafuls. Prudential and Ikhlas (yes, hidup makcik terseksa nak bayar insuran, tapi at least makcik ada dua insurans. ahahah). Fortunately, with Ikhlas, aku ada medical card, which means that I can just get hospitalised tanpa perlu piker pasal nak bayar macam mana. Amik bilik sorang, RM195 per night (takaful cover), , deposit RM500 . Yang kelakarnya, sebelum ni jiran aku dapat bilik 317. Aku dapat bilik 316. Even kat hospital pon, bilik kitorang berjiran.

My room. Meja untuk makan dah jadi meja untuk laptop sebab takde makna aku nak baring je tak buat kerja

The first night, Dr Jamil from gastroenterology datang. He explained that I have bacteria in my urine and low red blood count. Scan showed inflamed ovaries blocking the view of my bladder. Jap... dalam BM - "ada bakteria dalam air kencing, kurang darah merah, ovari bengkak menyebabkan dia tak nampak pundi kencing dan tak boleh nak decide sama ada batu karang ke bukan batu karang." Jadi kena la buat test lagi sekali dan ada gynae akan datang untuk check about the ovaries.

10 February. Tim dan Nad datang melawat kat hospital. Dinie, who is also my Takaful agent (haha) datang melawat malam tu dan gave me some tips. Dr Norleen from OB/GYN datang check perut, tekan2 tapi tak rasa macam ada something wrong. But she still scheduled me for an appointment on Monday. Dr Jamil datang lagi dan kata aku kena CT scan sekali lagi.
***Katering datang hantar makanan dan menu untuk esok. I was like, cool, a menu. Otak kekonon nak makan apa aje yg ada, tapi tetibe rasa pretentious gila jaga kesihatan dan pilih makanan yang rendah kalori. Hipokrit nakmati.

11 Februari. Pagi tu ultrasound with Dr Norleen in the morning. Katanya cyst in my left ovary 7cm. Let me tell you something. Aku sangat tak suka pergi Gynae clinic as a single woman who is diagnosed with cyst. Pregnant people annoy me with their happiness. One girl was trying to chat with me, and all I could think of was "Oh my God, get away from me you happy woman!" (I was in pain, I was annoyed that I have to take a break from work walaupon aku ni seorang freelancer yg kais pagi makan pagi, aku rimas dengan branula kat tangan. Happy pregnant women are the most annoying thing I could ever see at that moment. I know she wants me to ask her about her pregnancy, but my evil mind was like, "No, I will not give you the satisfaction". It was really mean, I know. It was the painkiller, I tell you. It makes me an evil person (alasan)).

Dr Norleen tanya nak balik rumah bincang dengan family dulu ke nak surgery terus. Bincang? For what? Surgery terus! scheduled for me to have a pelvic CT scan with another doctor. Dr. Thanee, at 12pm. He checked. It was 10cm. And then he laughed about it, so I laughed about it, and feel okay again. I mean, I guess that's all I needed at the time. Someone to make a joke about it. He asked me nak surgery esok ke lusa. Aku nak esoknya, tapi OT penuh, so dapatla Rabu. I was not happy, because it means that I have to stay one more day. He asked nak laparoscopy ke laparatomy. Laparascopic cystectomy bermaksud dia akan tebuk empat lubang around my stomach, dua bahagian untuk masukkan the knifey thingy amendetah (makcik bukan doktor, tak kuasa nak explain), dan untuk masukkan kamera. They will pump in gas, he will cut the cyst sikit for biopsy, and selebihnya dia akan pecahkan, siat keluar daripada ovary, clean everything up, jahit balik, masukkan the remaining cyst inside a plastic and keluarkan. It would take shorter time to heal, boleh keluar hospital in one to two days, but it would cost dalam RM23-25k.

Below is a whole video of how a laparoscopy is done if you're that sort of people - like me - who likes to torture themselves.

Laparotomy is... well, belah perut, keluarkan cyst. The healing time would take a lot, like maybe two weeks more of ward time, dan a month of recovery. But it costs less. Dalam RM10k.

Adakah aku yang kena risaukan berapa harganya sedangkan aku dah beberapa tahun terseksa bayar insuran? Of course not. I let Takaful Ikhlas deal with that. So I said yes, a thousand times yes, to laparoscopy. The only people I would let cut my stomach would be a) a doctor getting a baby out or b) Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as Jaime Lannister slashing my belly with a sword. I would die for Nikolaj Coster-Waldau. I don't mind.

Tim datang melawat lagi lepas habis waktu sekolah. That's how I know I have the best of friends.

Puasa sampai pukul 3 sebab kena buat CT scan lagi sekali. A special one at that - 3D scan yang lebih jelas. This time, kena minum setengah jag oral contrast. Anggapkan oral contrast ni macam sejenis "water colour" untuk warnakan organ2 kau supaya bila doktor tengok, diorang boleh nampak ketidaknormalan isi dalam kau dengan lebih jelas.

Apa rasa oral contrast? Macam lemon-infused water. Satu cawan is fine, tapi setengah jag tu macam satu seksaan. 30 minutes later, masuk bilik for CT scan, diorang shoot lagi oral contrast ke dalam branula (which made my arm all numb and cold). Lepas tu, halfway through the scan, masuk lagi ubat lain plak dalam branula, This time it stings! Dah tu nurse pulak tetiba kata, "Nanti badan akan rasa panas tau. Jangan panik tau."

Hakak, kalau taknak saya panik, janganlah sebut perkataan panik...

Ubat yang masuk kali kedua tu memang buat bahagian dalam badan kau rasa panas, seolah2 organ2 kau dipanaskan dalam microwave. Tgh scan tetiba rasa nak terkencing sangat. Adalah sesungguhnya perasaan nak terkencing while kau atas mesin CT scan itu adalah seksaan sesungguhnya.
Balik ke bilik, bilik penuh dengan sedara mara. Ahahaha. With my grandma, and my paklong and maklong, and makkak, Liliee and her three kiddoes (my beloved nephews Uwais and Uqail and lovely niece Layla). Diorang tengok aku balik ke bilik dengan muka relax, sume cam konpius, "Ni sakit ke tak ni?"

These two weirdos are the light of my life. 

Masa tu memang tak sakit, sebab berapa tan painkiller pulak diorang dah bagi aku. Pills, shots. It was like a rave party in muh body............ that sounds terrible.

Dr Jamil datang sekali lagi, confirmkan yang aku akan undergo surgery Rabu under gynae. Dia kata dia akan confirm balik sama ada aku ada batu karang ke tak. I said "Okey!" dengan penuh riang, and he was like... mengapakah perempuan ini terlalu riang ria nak surgery?

Oh, and my sister was taking care of me the whole time (I mean when she was not at work), even berkampung kat hospital. Partly sebab aku meyakinkan dia yang it would be more peaceful to sleep at the hospital daripada dia duduk rumah menghadap pergaduhan harian mak bapak aku ahahahaha. Kat hospital boleh mandi air panas and boleh pergi beli ice blended coffee kat Gloria Jeans bebila aje nak, atau jalan kaki pergi menyeberang ke Vista Alam untuk makan Cibiuk atau mee goreng mamak. She was influenced. Heck, kalau aku pun aku akan pilih untuk jaga aku daripada duduk rumah. Ahaha.

To be continued....

Humour is my Lestrange Vault

(Written while still waiting outside on my own for the doctors to make a decision about dad.) 

29 November. It's 4.28pm. We've been here since 7.45am. It was supposed to be a short appointment with the nephrologist.  But he noticed the blood in my dad's urine (ayah has been wearing a cath since he was discharged from the hospital in Shah Alam last week), and asked us to go to the ER.  

It was only a few months ago that my dad was happy as a clam, climbing the tall mangosteen tree at age 70 like the monkey man that he is.  Then boom.  He got ill, wouldn't eat,  found infection in his blood and now here we are. 

I make jokes all the time.  I joke about how annoying he is at taking his pills, I joke about his memory that has been deteriorating since he got ill,  I joke about how mum pesters me too much.  I even made a joke with him about the colour of his urine,  that sometimes it looks like lemonade,  sometimes like fresh orange,  sometimes watermelon. 

Today,  it's the colour of Pepsi.

But the jokes,  they're the jar that kept the key in.  Because if I let the key out and unlock the drawer inside my mind,  everything will flood out and multiply.  You remember in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when the trio tried to get the Helga Hufflepuff's Cup from Bellatrix Lestrange's vault and Hermione accidentally knocked over a gold bangle in there and it multiplied? One by two,  two by four,  four by eight? Those are the things that I kept locked inside, worried that it would fall down on the floor and multiply. 

Humour is all I have. Humour is my biggest asset.  Thinking about what race your doctor is (who looks like a Filipino actor but has a name that sounded Thai) while he copies your dad's medical history kinda make it less overwhelming for me. Finding humour in the fact that the ER has six odd situations (let me get to that later) makes the migraine that I felt from standing so long inside a packed room of doctors and nurses and patients less unbearable.

The truth is, negativity overwhelms. The past six months have been overwhelming. This year should have been THE year, you know. Turkey was supposed to be the beginning of an awesome year. I was supposed to make a writing comeback, we're gonna go do our umrah, I was gonna make more money to repair my mum's kitchen, it would all be dandy. But it went downhill from there. I lost one third of my secured freelance job because of the "advent of technology". My siblings were faced with illnesses and financial woes. My mum added hypertension to her diabetes, then my cat got hit by a car and nearly lost his ability to walk. Then my dad suddenly got ill, lost his appetite, and now we're here.

Through it all, humour was my source of solace, though sometimes people thought that my jokes were just me being whiny about my dad's illness. I did an online questionaire about depression and was diagnosed mildly depressed, which is mildly depressing. Haha. 

All my life, I wanted nothing more than to satisfy. Not mediocrity, just satisfaction (that's another discussion). Not to be the number one writer in Malaysia, just to be satisfied when people send me messages about how my book cheered them up in times of trouble. Not to be the richest person in the world, just to be able to satisfy my family's needs. Not to be best most pious person in the world, just enough to satisfy God and win His love. To be satisfied, is to be jack of all trades, master of none.

But it's hard. It's getting harder, still. Sometimes, I couldn't help but ask, why some people always gets everything so easily and yet always whining about things, when it has always been hard for me - I got into SMKAKS in my third try. I got into IIUM without anyone's help. I worked my hardest to earn my lecturer's attention only to get it in my fourth year after taking five courses with him... when nobody could stand even one (yes, I know. I have a thing for melting ice). I was rejected by Alaf 21, and climbed my way back to it. I was turned down by one employer after another until Cinema Online accepted me (which is why I would always defend Chinese and Indian companies when being confronted by people calling them racist. Because THEY were the first ones who saw me for what I can be). A failed business broke me, but I scratched my way back. And the fall feels more painful each time, but the climb makes it more exhilarating.

In the words of my best friend Mun, this is usually the part in a romantic movie where the protagonist would book a flight and leave everything behind. Maybe go to Turkey again, find love and happiness under the Cappadocia sky. But in reality, life is more like a horror movie - you know your house is haunted and the ghosts are trying to kill you, and yet you couldn't leave because of the mortgage.

But then again, maybe to those living with hardship, I am that whiny bish.

(finally warded at 7.15pm)

Caring too much emotionally, and couldn't care less physically. Otherwise known as emotional laziness.

I think I am having a middle-age crisis at 32 (going on 33 in a month. Yay!).

So if you're having that crisis at age 32, can you call it middle-age crisis? Or should it have its own name? Like, semi-middle age crisis, or post-20s crisis, or stupid-shit-women-in-their-30s-have-after-annoying-people-with-their-problem-when-they-were-in-their-20s?

Or should I just call it "The Inexplicable Syndrome of Annoyance Exclusively Facing Nurul Syahida Kamarudin and The People Who Think Like Her"?

Here are my symptoms:
1. Being annoyed with the situation of the situation around her but not being able to say anything about it because the situation involves people who may be her friends and/or colleagues.
2. Being annoyed by the helplessness of her aforementioned situation and yet doesn't even have any desire to change it.
3. Annoyed with her apparent laziness in trying to make any effort to change a thing she hopes can change, and being all, "Why should I change it? Why can't I just express my annoyance with it and let other people do something about it instead?"

4. Wanting to make an effort to save herself from the quicksand that is slowly engulfing her soul, and at the same time just wanting someone to come save her because she is sick of saving herself.
5. Hating the thought of being the kind of woman she hates, when she said she wants to be saved.
6. Understanding that her actual issue stems from the fact that she cares too much both emotionally and mentally, and yet couldn't care less physically. Like for example, "I care about my friend A and I would like to talk to her sometimes. And yet, I am too lazy to pick up the phone."
7. Bored by the status-quo and yet not interested to move forward.

I think the root of this issue is the fact that I am not able to express the anger I have with it publicly, to say what I really want to say. I think that's the same issue some politicians have. They may start wide-eyed and ambitious, looking at the system through the lens of justice, and then finding themselves slowly being dragged into the dirt by other politicians, who, ironically, started off as a wide-eyed ambitious person who wants to do good in the world as well.

Like a faeces-infested circle of life.

It's the feeling of being trapped inside this stupidity, the kind of stupidity where you just kinda point at it while talking to your friend and asked them "Can't you see how stupid this is?" and your friend said, "Not that I can see", and you're like, "Oh my God this is so stupid. I can't express it with direct words and yet nobody seemed to understand metaphors, so how am I supposed to do this?", and finally realising that I can't get away from it unless I break free, and yet I am too lazy to do it.

Is this because I am Malay? Or because I am an introvert? Or because I was never wired to be a person who can uphold social justice? Or is it just because I am just too lazy?

I think it's the last one.

Breaking a Promise

Yeah, I have broke my promise not once, but three days in a row. I will be back. I promise.

Aku berjanji dengan sapa dia tah....

Waiting game

I have skipped a day despite my promise of writing daily.

Meh, it's not like I have a lot of readers pun. Ahahahaha.

But still, yesterday my stress was at all time high. A'a has been missing for five days, and I received a lot of various information about him that it was ridiculous to put it on timeline. I mean, I thank people who gave the information, as they really tried helping (and helping is better than keeping quiet).

However, according to various sources, the timeline of A'a missing will be this way
Sunday: Was seen in Sri Mahligai Section 9
A few days later: Might be dead near the junction between section 11 and 12 (I pray to God this is not it and it's just some similar looking cat)
Tuesday: He was eating at my next-door neighbour's house

So it puts A'a in three different places in the course of five days. Knowing A'a and his lack of attention span, I don't think it would be possible at all.

I have come to the conclusion that if death is not part of it, A'a must have been:

a) kidnapped
- maybe a kid was interested in him (since he was so good at bodek orang) and decided to secretly stash him inside a bag and brought him home, only to get bored after a while.
- some people say that it's illogical that anybody would kidnap a grown cat. but a few months ago, a fellow writer revealed that her cat was stolen by a neighbour who then denied that she kidnapped the cat, saying that she bought it... when it was obvious that the cat, with all his distinctive features known by his original owner, is not hers.

b) unintentional kidnapping
- I have read several instances when a cat is accidentally taken away from its home due to its habit of getting into cars/getting into boxes/getting into bags.
- I experienced this two days ago while looking for A'a. Since my cat responses to finger snapping, I continued to do it while looking for him. Then I hear a cat meowing, so I turned back thinking it was him. Instead, there were three cats who were following me. I was like, "Dude, where did you guys come from? Your owner would panic if they realise that you are missing!" Long story short, I gave them some food at home (because they have been walking with me for a while and must have been hungry), and then put them back in the neighbourhood I found them.

c) A'a just doesn't want to come home
- Maybe he just didn't want to come home and have decided to stay outside instead (this, I assume from my neighbour's statement saying he visited them on Tuesday). I told you before that A'a isn't that loyal. He's like Spongebob's Gary. Maybe he has decided that he doesn't want to be our cat anymore.
- This is not impossible. I used to have a cat called Koyon. He stayed with us for a year, and then one day decided that he wants to be an alleycat and didn't come home anymore. We will see him passing by sometimes, and sometimes he would stand in front of the door and ask for food, but he would not come in and stay like he used to.

In any case, life continues. Mum said that I should take a breather and take care of myself instead. I have done all I could in trying to find him. I have asked for assistance from the Shah Alam Residents forum, I have asked for my post to be shared on FB, I have looked for him every day, day and night.

I guess it's now a waiting game.

As Aretha Franklin would put it...

"Respect is earned, not given".

I find that people who keeps using this mantra to be assholes who wants to justify their assholeness.

I read a skewed version of this mantra on someone's comment about proper attire. In an article about certain people who disrespects weddings by attending it wearing their lazy Sunday clothes, someone stated that "respect is earned, not given". What a load of crap. Are you asking that the people, who cordially invited you to eat for free at their house, needs to respect you before you can wear something proper to their event?

I mean, I grew up being taught that you should respect everybody, that respect is only lost when a person does something to lose it. Not the other way around. How do you function the other way around anyway? Are you going to be rude to everybody until you get to know them and realise that they are nice, and THEN start to respect them? That's just bogus.

No, I get what you mean by respect should be earned. But I think the correct way to say it is that you should be respectful to others if you want them to respect you.

Or yet : Courtesy should be given, respect should be earned. Yes. But what is respect anyway? People nowadays actually took the slogan literally and think that they can be assholes to just about anybody, while at the same time think that people should earn their respect.

Here lies the issue with young people nowadays. I know, I am just 32, who am I to talk like some veteran soldier being harassed by teenagers, right? But this slogan seemed to have skewed a lot of people. And anyway, losing one's respect to someone doesn't mean one should be rude to him or her either. That's what differentiate one from a monkey. A monkey whose banana was stolen by someone would retaliate by throwing rocks to said person. An actual man with sound mind would be courteous and find solution to the issue.

But if your solution to someone being disrespectful too you is by cussing them, making fun of them, threatening to kill them, stalking them, and making their life a living hell, you sir, are worse than a monkey.

I quote a comment made by a Facebook user by the name of Balasubramaniyan from an article I read a few days ago, who said (and I paraphrase), "Some people now thinks that they can be disrespectful to people of any race, belief, and culture just because they do not hold the same belief with them. They think that a person should not be angry if they were slighted, if their belief is being mocked by someone, as long as that someone doesn't share the same belief with them. They blame the group as a whole for the mistake of one, but they themselves create a mob mentality in accusing others. They want you to earn their respect, while at the same time, get angry when you disrespect them. Trolls, are what they are."

Nope. Trolls are nicer. They guard bridges. These people on the other hand, burn bridges with their scumbaggery.

Oh, anyway, here's an additional message:

To Be(sy) or not to Be(sy)

I love working.

You know how I always said that I have too much work and that I am tired of doing them? The truth is, when I am not working, I missed working.

That's what happened yesterday, after finishing the first 16 episodes of a Filipino teleserye that I have been working on since two weeks ago. Suddenly, I was filled with this emptiness that cannot be fulfilled by anything else except another batch of translations.

I know what people will say.

"Of course you're a workaholic, you have nothing else other than your work."

That is true. Haha. I am not going to be mad at people for stating the fact. In a sense, I really don't have anything else except work (I have, though, but it's not something that can easily be explained). And sometimes, the issue has turned into a chicken-egg debate. "Adakah Shai bekerja sebab dia tak ada benda lain nak buat, atau dia tak boleh buat benda lain sebab dia banyak bekerja?"

I think it goes both ways. When I don't have anymore work to do, everybody else seems busy. So I decided, heck, I should just get more work done, and agree to more work, which in the end, clashed with other people's free time. So they waited for me to finish my work, and think, "Heck, while we wait for Shai, let's get more work done", and so when I finished doing what I had to do, people got busy doing their work. So, it's a cycle, really.

The thing about being paid per project is that you can actually see the money. I mean, not directly. But you know what one script costs, and the more you translate, the more money you'll get. So it kinda create this whole new version of greed in you. You will end up having the slogan, "Why would I be doing that (example: watching a movie, shopping, meeting people), when I can make money at home?"

And your time is measured in money as well. Like, "You know, one whole day at the beach will incur a loss of RM220, give and take. And that's just what I should be making. We haven't count how much money I will be spending yet."

I really do have to do something about it, before my friends get annoyed with me (I say friends, not bestfriends. Because my bestfriends understand the nature of my job more than anyone else in this world, and they would never hold it against me). I am pretty sure, some of them are already fed-up with me anyway.

credit: Girls Can Tell

The busy happened. So.

Yes, day three of too much work no time for nuthin...

I will try to write something. Anything.

For now.

I dare you. I double dare you.

Five things.

There are five sentences that I hate the most. It causes my jaw to clench, my blood to boil, and my anger tachometer going from 0 to 10, Ramadhan or not.

There are words that people don't want to hear. For example, one of my friends hate it when people use the word "Sabarlah..." It's not the act of being patient that rubs her the wrong way, but the notion it gives, that you are not patient at all and need to be told to be patient; or the notion that the person writing it or saying it doesn't have anything to say but still thinks he or she has to say something.

Another one of my friends hates it when people said, "You're so good at doing this. Anybody would be lucky to marry you...". It's not that the compliment angers her, but the fact that she has been told that again and again and again and yet she was single that made it irksome (she's getting married now, FYI, so your loss, mankind).

I have my own taboo statements as well. These are the things that would usually spark that kettle whistle in my brain, and I will tell you why.

a) "Penulis ni mesti banyak berangan, kan?"
("There must be a load of daydreaming involved in being a writer, eyh?")

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know that I don't need any education to be a writer. All I need to do is staring dreamily into space and think about rich guys who would do everything he can to be with me, right?

It annoys me so much that people still has that notion that THAT what writers do. We're not all E.L. James, man. Some of us spent years of research before writing something. We listen to people's stories, we spend time writing the right words, finding the right plot, and sending messages to people. You must be mistaken 'daydreaming' with 'great scope of imagination'. Great scope of imagination? That we have. Drooling by the window thinking about being swept off your feet by rich dude riding a horse? That we don't do.

And really, male writers rarely get these kinds of comments. It mostly female writers. Is it because we mostly write romance novels, that some idiots think all we do is think about being saved by six-pack billionaire adonis?

b) "Kau ni kena selalu banyak keluar jumpa orang."
("You have to go out and meet people.")

You know, 'meeting people' has a lot of connotations. If you mean, going out and socialise with people, I do that sometimes. Do I always do that? No. Why? Because I have work sometimes. And socialising drains my energy. I hate to explain to people about extroversion vs. introversion, because it's lame. But if you mean 'meeting a lot of guys', meeeh.

But the thing is, 'selalu banyak keluar' is not the answer for life's question. In my late twenties, I do that a lot. I go out, I take vacations, I meet new people, I network. But truth be told, I get tired of doing it, of being somebody that I am not. Nowadays, I manage my time better, get to know and be friends with quality people. Meeting readers, that's more fun.

c) "Ala, makan jela ubat..."
("just take some pills...")

I've talked about this in my previous post about migraines. I don't get angry when people ask me to just take my med when it's only flu or things like that. When I get migraines, though, that's another story.

It's the insensitivity that I hate, the kind of words people say when they think you're being a baby. Whenever people say that to me, I would always imagine filling their head with rocks and then shake it like a cocktail shaker. "See? Now, tell yourself 'makan jela ubat'..." I would say.

Sigh. That would be an awesome thing to do to people.

d) "Ala, kau kerja kat rumah je kot..."
("You're only working from home...")

Let me tell you why I hate hearing that. You know how teachers hate it when people say, "How hard can it be?", or when doctors were told "Doctors only want people to get vaccines for their own profit!" or when an interior designer being told, "Pfft, even I can do this job!"

That's the thing. Respect people's job, people!

Yes, unlike others, I am more fortunate to be able to work at home and avoid traffic congestion. But it doesn't mean that I have all the time for other things. I can't just go wherever you want me to go without prior notice. I am not a businessman... okay, a service is also a kind of business, but what I mean is I don't create work. I work for others. I work for several companies, I have deadlines, I have projects. I may be working in my PJs, but I am a professional when it comes to my work. I don't take vacations sesuka hati without informing my bosses, and I don't take vacations sesuka hati without thinking the consequences to my monthly pay.

I have a very unstable income, if you want to know. It depends on how much work I do daily (that's why I would suggest ministers being paid like a freelancer. Then a lot of things are done faster and better). I am also expendable. What does that mean, you ask? It means that if I don't do my job well, there are thousands of freelancers or would be freelancers waiting to do my job. You know how many people ask me how to do what I do on daily basis?

I never questioned your work, why would you question mine?

e) "Yela, kau jela yang betul..."

Nope. If you want to have a debate with me, then come at me with facts, son. And be ready to listen to my opinion. If you're just trying to spew your ideology all over the place with no facts, then be ready to get schooled. I can listen to your crap, so listen to mine.

Anyway... what's your taboo sentence?

At least it's only a migraine?

I may need to wear spectacles.

I don't want to, because I have migraines. And I get migraines when there are things on my face (the reason why I hate 3D movies and its annoying glasses). But I have been working non-stop since last week, that my vision is starting to blur.

I used to be very proud of it. I mean, I usually can read something far away before anybody can. Now I am having a hard time even reading small prints. (Mungkin sebab tu Tuhan tarik kebolehan tu. Bongkak nak mampos).

But I am also having headaches now because of it. Yesterday, I list down all my translation work and I realised that I have translated over 40 scripts this month. And it's not even near the end of June! That must have taken its toll on my eyes, man.

So, that's my predicament. Let's say if I do have to wear one, it's either having a migraine for wearing spectacles, or having headaches by not wearing one. It's like another one of my issue. That is, I will get a headache if I fell asleep at 4pm, and I will get a headache if I restrain myself from falling asleep. Either way, I will end up with a headache. (I say headache, because migraine is a whole other thing).

What a lousy first world problem that is.

I found this aurvey from the website migrainemonologues.

30 Things About My Migraine You May Not Know
(I will just answer 26, because answering too many questions gives me migraines)

1. The illness I live with is: Migraine. (and mild asthma... still recovering from rhinitis. I am a walking diseased head. But since we're talking about migraines, let's just stick to that, eyh?)

2.  I was diagnosed with it in the year: I can't remember. I think it was back when I went for t=full medical check-up for my university

3. But I had symptoms since: 1998. I think living in SMKAKS did it for me. I love my school, but damn I was stressed out by living a very disciplined life. Okay, that's not it. I fell down a small waterfall during a school trip, and banged my head on the rocks.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Trying to explain to people that their headache and my migraine are two different things. If you can work while having a headache, it's just a headache, silly.

5. Most people assume: I am being a baby when I said I can't function sometimes because of it. Don't you just want to stab them repeatedly when they say that, eyh?

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Making sure that I slept comfortably on my pillow the night before, or ta-da... bad mood all day long. 

7. My favorite medical TV show is: House. Because he takes Vicodin. Life would be much better with Vicodin.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: I can live without a gadget. Gadgets are migraine triggers.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Not being able to sleep because of the migraine. Duh!

10. Each day I take: I believe in the 'suffer while you can'. If not, then take painkillers. Don't take more than six a day if you want to live long.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Bekam. Bekam is awesome. Bekam is life!

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: an invisible one. I am living with one already, so that means I can cope with it, even when I feel like I can't cope with it.

13. Regarding working and career: That's why being a freelancer/novelist is the best job for me.

14. People would be surprised to know: sometimes I prefer rolling in pain than going out with people who are a pain in the ass. Oh, and lemon-scented fragrance worsens it every time. I hate people with lemon-scented perfume.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: I have to live with it and can't enjoy what other people can enjoy. Like crazy roller coaster rides. I used to love crazy roller coaster rides. But now, even Universal Studios' Transformer ride can trigger my migraine. 

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: withstanding pain without trying to kill people around me.

17. The commercials about my illness: it doesn't exist in Malaysia. For headaches, maybe.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: roller coasters.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Coffee.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Nothing. My hobbies are not the type of things that induce migraines. Taking care of cats and reading are very innocent hobbies

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: heck, roller coasters 24 hours!

22. My illness has taught me: that I can laugh about it.... that is when I am not rolling in pain.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "ala, makan jela ubat..."

24. But I love it when people: understands.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: none. More like, "At least it's not death." - Me.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Welcome to the club, where healthy people irks you

It's April 2015 and I don't know what I am doing with my life.

Oh my....

Eh jap. Tak supan sebagai orang Islam.

Assalamualaikum.

Oh my.... it has been soooo long since I wrote anything in here. I am soooo sorry you guys. I was too busy procrastinating working. Nowadays I am translating a new anime for ANIMAX, and the format is a tad different than my previous translation work, and it's also used for dubbing purposes, so I was unable to focus on anything else. On top of that, I am also doing AMAYA......

(when I say "I am doing AMAYA", I mean, I am TRANSLATING the FILIPINO TELENOVELA by the name of AMAYA, not "I am doing AMAYA" in the perverse sense. Undirt your head, people!)

...for ASTRO Bella, so that's another thing. In short, amidst the Yahoo thing, and the ANIMAX thing, and the Bella thing, and the SEKOLAH BANYAK PENUNGGU 3 thing, I don't have a life. It's more or less wake-up-solat(kalau tak solat nanti Tuhan marah wehhh)-buat air lemon-sarapan-exercise-kerja-solat zohor-makan-kerja-solat asar-kerja-solat maghrib-kerja-solat isyak-rerun Arrested Development (because my break is solely for Jason Bateman)-kerja-pastikan all my SIMS people still alive-tidur-bangun and the cycle continues.

Why do I have an obsession over Jason Bateman? Don't question my taste in men. I used to have a crush on David Mitchell (the comedian, not the author) too, you know....

Sometimes there's time when the whole routine changes a bit. That is when my cats get sick and in need of the vet's attention, or when my mum is not feeling well and I need to cook instead, or when the kitchen stock habis and I need to spend my whole afternoon kat TESCO atau GIANT. And those are the only times I will be out of my house.

So, in short to the original in short, I will one day die in my own house, head slammed on my laptop, with my eyes being eaten by vultures. How the vultures get inside my house in this very dramatic version of my death? I don't know.

My mum's birthday is today. Yesterday we bought her cake, and today I made her a very simple birthday pizza dish using an instant naan bread. Just slab a lot of tomato puree and sauce on it, some cooked hotdog and portabello mushrooms, and a lot of mozarella, a minute inside the microwave and voila! Faux-pizza!

Then I made lunch. Siakap kukus a la whatever. I am too lazy to snap a photo of it, so just imagine a yummy siakap with a lot of halia and bawang and daun bawang on top with an extremely wangi sauce that consists of stok ayam, kicap cair, pepper and sesame oil with your best imagination.

It looks like this, but this is from nakemah.blogspot.com. I did not make this. Please don't sue me for copyright.

MMmmm-mm-mmmm....

I didn't buy mum anything. I think the only thing she would like right now is a grandchild. Since I can't buy those in stores, there's nothing I can do about it. I think the next best thing would be taking her to lunch at all those places that Razif Hashim from BEST IN THE WORLD went to, since she lovvvveeessss the show very much. She even watches the reruns. Two weeks ago, I had to spend my whole Saturday watching Raz Natt eat on TV, and the whole day my brain keeps humming the Nyan Nyan Cat song.

My. Whole. Saturday.

I was like, mum seriously, we're not going to Johor for the same nasi lemak! Stop watching AFC! I can almost smell the food from TV! I mean, I love the show too, but one per day is enough. I am not binge-watching people binge-eating (well, it wasn't binge eating... but you get my point)

Haih.

I've sent my manuscript last week. It's a story about a girl. And a cat. And betrayal. And more cats. It might have been cuter if the book has illustrations so you can actually see the cats, but then, that would just turn it into a children's book, innit?

I am sooo sorry for taking so much time to finally complete my new book. That's because I have been procrastinating busy. Doing what, I don't even know.

Say, masa cepat berlalu sekarang, kan?

(END BLOG POST SECARA TERGANTUNG SEBAB AKU TAK ADA IDEA HOW TO END THINGS)

Of not wanting to be the Poster Child for Singlehood

I had a chat with a friend.

An unmarried friend, like myself, if I have to be precise.

And we talk about... what else if not marriage.

Don't get me wrong. We don't do all that mushy stuff about relationship or questioning about this and that all the time. Usually we talk about taxes, and social issues, or politics, occasionally discussing weird topics, like what is the gender of a toothbrush or how much wood would a woodchuck actually chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

But this time, we talk about marriage. It was just.... 'an educated discussion'... about marriage, if I can say so myself. I mean, I don't like to continue talking about this, but....

Well... the issue is simple. We're annoyed.

We're annoyed by many things, which include:
1. people thinking that we hate men
2. other single people who wants to be united in some sort of a 'We're single and loving it" kind of way (trust me, there is nothing much more desperate than trying to prove you're an independent woman by announcing how independent you are).
3. people thinking we don't meet men much
4. people thinking we don't socialise with people
5. people think we're complicated
6. girls who just broke up with their significant others who are clearly are not over it trying to make some kind of a 'cool single girls' club
7. girls who broke up with their significant others and use excuses such as 'I want to be single just like you' to mask the actual reason; that they find their boyfriends inadequate to fulfill their needs
8. people who think we're lesbians
9. people who think that we're a bunch of 'tak laku' girls
10. people in general.

Let me simplify your unnecessary concerns with my relationship status with an answer;

Why am I not married?
Answer: It's because I am not married.

If I am married, then I am. But since I am not, then I am not. There is no long essay about financial stability, or needs, or all those mushy stuff about commitment. I have left that part back in the noughties together with the annoying age I was at that  time (when I was in my 20s to be exact)

It's not because I am some sort of a gladiator/independent woman who doesn't need a man in her life or hates men like the trend nowadays. I am just not married because I am not married.

To people who thinks that we hate men
We're not. We have high regards for men. Though... that also depends on what type of men. If you're an addict no-good man yang menghabiskan bogheh mak bapak and has no ambition whatsoever, then no, I have no regards for you. But a man's man who has respect for women and the society as a whole, yes, you deserve every respect that I have.

To people who wants to unite with us in that Beyonce Imma Survivor Independent woman kind of thing
Please don't. I just want to live normally. I am not in some sort of a mission to prove that I can live without man. If I live without a man, well, that's because I can. If I get married, well, that's because I fell in love and wants to be with that particular person. If you want me to go all "Who run dis mutha? Girls!", well,... to the left to the left.

To people who thinks that we don't meet men much
How many men do you want me to meet? I have a life to live and it does not involve finding men to take care of me. The thing about me and my friend is, we are used to being single and we are okay doing things on our own without trying to dial a man's number for anything. You might think it's impossible, but it really is easy to do. You just have to be very confident with your own ability to not ask men to do things for you.

Well,..... unless it involves cars. Because I am shit at that. But then again, I don't drive. So there. Problem solved.

To people thinking we don't socialise with people
I am an introvert. I only socialise with people when I want to, but in the end, I like reading myself to sleep better. Ask every other introverts in this world and they will agree with me. It's not a disease. It's just that our way of life is different than yours. If you can't accept that, well, that's just your issue with society at large. I mean, you want everybody to do things your way because your way is the right way? Well, boo-hoo to you, compadre. People have different priorities in life.

To people think we're complicated
If I am, well, I am not proud of it. I am opinionated, that's for sure. But I can tolerate people. Again, I don't do that "I an an independent woman" chant every day. You know how uncomplicated I am? I don't even have a list of things I want from a man to be my husband. All I want is to fall for someone hard enough that I want to spend the rest of my life with that person, and right now, I am not falling for anything or anyone. That can happen too, you know. Some people just don't fall in love that easily, that's all. All that 'drooling for Leonardo Dicaprio' thing? It's just fun to do, because people think you're weird if you don't talk about recent actors.

(the last time I said I fell in love with an actor, it was Clint Eastwood, and my officemates said, "Wey, just go and fall in love with Justin Timberlake or a K-pop guy or something.... why la that old man...")

To girls who just broke up with their significant others who are clearly are not over it trying to make some kind of an association of 'cool single girls' 
I will punch you in the face and say, "Get over it" if you do that. People who are brokenhearted just needs to experience the patheticness of their feelings until one day you don't feel pathetic anymore. That's life. Don't make me your excuse to feel great when you're seriously jaded inside. Accept your jadedness, and you are going to turn out fine. Every time you try to do that sisterhood-of-travelling-pants shit with me, it just gives me the creeps.

I don't subscribe to the Sex and the City friendship. Please understand that.

To girls who broke up with their significant others and use excuses such as 'I want to be single just like you' to mask the actual reason that they find their boyfriends inadequate for their needs
Stop lying to yourself and stop lying to me in order to lie to yourself. I am not your icon of singleness. Just go and get married or something. Sheesh. Every single time tak puas hati dengan hidup sendiri, mulalah sibuk nak mengagung2kan kehidupan aku tanpa sebab. I am not your icon of excuse, nor am I a poster child for singlehood.

To people who think we're lesbians
I do not fancy a being that has the same set of boobs and vagina like meself.

To people who think that we're a bunch of 'tak laku' girls
You want me to tell you how valuable I am in the dating market? Because that's how we value ourselves? Duuuude, have some self respect.

To people in general
There is more to life than discussing my personal life. Why are you worried about me being single? Is there some sort of a will saying that you will get a million dollars if I get married? (I mean, if that's the case, tell me. I will find a man to marry and we can split the money two ways). Will the country get invaded by aliens if I continue to remain single till the age of 40? If not, then relax. The world doesn't turn to ashes just because I am not married.

In conclusion, pleaaaaase do not try to make me seem like a loser for being single, or to make me seem cooler for being single. I don't need to be empowered, to feel like a cool person, to be identified by my singleness, or to be associated with the world through my relationship status. I just want to live a life without any need to explain myself about things that I do. Please don't make me do that. I am tired of it.

The next time you see me, why don't you ask me, have I donated to charity today, have I done something to change the world (even if it's minor), or if I have performed my salah on time. Because that's kinda more important, don't you think?

An update from a lazy-ass

Aku terlalu sibuk dengan kerja.

Nak update blog tak sempat. Nak balas komen pun kena delay dulu (maafkan sayaaaa....)

Jadual hidup pun berubah ikut Ramadhan. Kalau dulu aku tidur awal, sekarang aku tak tidur langsung. Dari lepas solat, aku menghadap kerja, then cycling setengah jam, mandi, solat, tolong mak masak sahur, makan, solat, hantar kerja, get some nap sebelum bangun balik dan sambung kerja.

Will update something... anything... when this stomach ache is less crappy.

A monologue

Bila orang lain buat benda pelik, semua sedara mara aku hairan. Tapi kalau aku buat benda pelik, dia orang kata, "Biasalah kakngah ko tu."

Adik aku suka kata, "Kakngah punya kawan pelik-pelik", while kawan-kawan aku kata, "Kau yang suka kawan dengan orang pelik-pelik."

Masa dekat sekolah, kalau aku cakap sesuatu, Ustazah Ann Surina akan kata, "Ada-ada jelah kamu ni, Syahida!"

While Ustaz Nasser di Matrics UIA pernah suruh aku duduk depan dia and told me, "You have a certain style, Syahida. You just don't know it."

Editor aku kat CO pernah ping aku kat MSN Messenger and kata, "Wow, you are more drama than me!"

While kawan-kawan baik aku, especially Mun dan Nad, percaya yang aku memang tak berapa nak 'normal' berbanding orang lain.

Mungkin itu yang menjadikan aku seorang novelis. Jangan salah faham. Bukan maksud aku orang normal tak boleh jadi novelis. Boleh. Maksud aku ialah, orang normal boleh jadi novelis dan benda lain. Orang pelik cuma sesuai jadi novelis.

Sebenarnya sampai sekarang aku tak tahu apa yang menjadikan aku 'pelik'. Mungkin sense of humour aku. Mungkin benda remeh pada orang lain yang aku ambik serius (like how I hate malt drinks and think it's just intentional for them to make it look like beer. What's the problem of designing a less ambiguous design rather than having the same font and shape like a beer?)... atau benda serius pada orang yang aku amik remeh (to tell you the truth, I still think Alvivi's recent action was just a joke-gone-wrong rather than a-slap-to-Muslim's-face).

Mungkin sebenarnya aku tak pelik. Mungkin aku cuma duduk di negara yang salah. Mungkin di UK, atau Uganda, atau Cuba, atau Australia, cara aku berfikir ini normal. 

Mungkin aku dikelilingi kawan-kawan yang sama anehnya sebab kami kekurangan orang yang berfikir dengan cara yang sama. Mungkin kami normal, dan orang lain yang pelik.

Jika ditanya apa yang pelik sangat, aku tak tahu apa nak jawab. Adakah cuba berinteraksi dengan kucing dengan cara duduk seperti kucing dan menghabiskan masa selama lima minit merenung mata kucing itu dikira pelik? Kalau itu pelik, ya aku pelik.

Adakah berfikir tentang keajaiban alam dengan cara membuat analisa tentang tahi keras dan tahi cair itu satu kepelikan? Jika itu pelik, ya aku pelik.

Adakah  keengganan membeli beg tangan yang nilainya lebih tinggi dari isi dompet itu dianggap pelik? Kalau ya, maka aku pelik.

Adakah memilih untuk menterjemah maksud "Forgive and Forget" secara harfiah, lalu memaafkan seseorang dan berpura-pura seperti insan tersebut tidak wujud lagi dikira satu kepelikan? Jika itu pelik, maka aku pelik.

Mungkin aku terlalu banyak berfikir. Mungkin tindakan berfikir lebih lanjut tentang isu ini menunjukkan aku tidak pelik. Mungkin orang akan salah sangka yang aku anggap 'pelik' itu satu pujian. Mungkin orang fikir aku cuma mahu distinguish diri aku sebagai insan yang berbeza dari orang lain. Mungkin aku perasan.

But I wish I was normal. I wish I get angry at Alvivi, or buys Prada without thinking, or just met any guy who wishes to meet me, or wake up every morning knowing what to do and sleep at night thinking I just did what I had to do today and I will do it again tomorrow, or buy a house when the price goes down, or drive a car, laugh when I feel like it, cry when I feel sad, listen to other people, write what others want, think about weddings and kids names, enjoy the moment, eat, pray, love.

But I can't. Semua harus ada makna dan tidak ada makna dalam masa yang sama.

Mungkin kerana itu mereka kata aku pelik. 

Money, Lonely or Tak Peduli

Life is a static bliss....

Ni apehal perempuan ni tiba2 berfalsafah. Dahlah 18 hari tak update blog.

Itu adalah kerana dia terlalu sibuk dengan kerja, seperti biasa yang dia buat sejak empat tahun yang lepas. Orang kata dia terlalu mengejar wang, ada yang kata dia lonely dan perlukan distraction, ada yang kata dia dah tak peduli apa-apa.

Kepala hotaklah tak peduli amende.

Tapi kadang-kadang dalam hidup ni, there are better things left unsaid. It is unwise to actually said things like:

"Shai is working too hard to distract herself from loneliness."

Here's the thing about being a single woman in her late 20s. Working hard doesn't always equal to loneliness. Sometimes we say those words to make it sound dramatic, so it doesn't look that bland when you said, "Oh, aku ada kerja nak dibuat". Wanita bujang akhir 20-an yang bekerja ni, well... at least akulah, bekerja sebab we have to work twice as hard as our married friends. Why? Because there is no actual noktah kepada kerja tu. I know most working mothers would not agree, and akan kata, "Ko hidup single, tak ada responsibility terhadap orang lain", which is actually agak salah sebab being single means that for every stupid decision, kau kena tanggung sensorang.

And anyway, since aku takde tanggungan, might as well spend it finding more money in case tetiba wujudnya tanggungan tambahan tu. We don't actually work to distract from feeling lonely, but we're working to actually get money. Being single is not that psychologically over dramatic, you know.

In saying that, aku tak kata aku tak lonely. Semua orang pun ada masanya akan rasa lonely. Tapi bila ko mati pun ko masuk kubur sensorang gak, so.... Ahahahahaha.

"Shai is working sebab dia dah tak peduli apa-apa."

Kalau aku tak peduli apa-apa, aku akan duduk rumah buat sampah and jadi hoarders macam kat dalam dokumentari channel BIO tu. Sebagai orang Islam, aku rasa saying "Dah tak peduli apa-apa" tu macam some sort of putus asa... and I refuse to condone to that kind of thinking. Ya, aku suka kata "Aku dah tak pedulik dah", tapi bukan tak pedulikkan kehidupan aku, but more like tak pedulikan 'past dramas' yang adakalanya suka menjengah Facebook aku (macam la aku tatau) atau guna orang lain untuk pantau sama ada aku mempunyai kehidupan yang bahagia atau tak.

Dulu yelah, rasa nak tunjuk yang kita ni okay dan bahagia. Sekarang aku dah tak peduli dah. Buat apa aku nak sibuk2 tunjuk kebahagiaan hidup aku kepada orang yang bila difikir balik, hanyalah kisah entah zaman bila yang kalau diingat semula pun, aku dah tak paham kenapa aku stress sangat. Kalau diorang sibuk nak gloat kebahagiaan diorang tu... well, in the words of the wise... "Biarkan si luncai terjun dengan labu-labunya."

Aku bukan tak pedulikan apa-apa. Cuma aku agak kurang interested in trivial things nowadays. And I have not been involved in the many trivial things in life nowadays. I'm not saying that I am free of troubles and woes. Kadang2 rasa senak dengan masalah court yang entah bila nak selesai... kalau orang tu memang appeal, satu hal, kalau dia kalah, dia mungkin bawak to higher court plak...there is no end to it, aku dah naik menyampah memikirkannya. Kadang2 rasa pening menghadap soalan orang tentang bila nak kahwin. Kadang2 risau jugak sebab kerja aku ni bukan satu certainty.... tapi Alhamdulillah, those kind of things masih boleh diuruskan lagi dan aku masih boleh buat lawak. I guess, there is nothing that I have not gone through that I am going through right now. The pain and suffering that I may feel right now, I already felt it before and I am already immune by it. I am well aware of the irony in my life that aku rasa buat masa ni, aku mampu nak letak ke tepi dan buat apa yang lebih penting. Which is, kerja.

"Shai tu gila cari duit."
Taklah sampai gila. Tapi aku berani kata work takes nearly three quarter of my life. Aku ada masa untuk buat dan aku masih ada kekuatan nak buat. Dan aku tak ada those kind of dreams like, "Oh aku nak travel satu dunia" atau "Aku nak pergi mandi semua pantai di dunia sebelum umur aku 60 tahun." Nope. Mungkin masa aku baru nak kenal dunia aku sibuk nak buat semua tu. Sekarang ni apa aku dapat buat, aku buat dan kalau aku tak dapat buat, aku masukkan dalam list of things I wanna do. Tapi kalau tak dapat buat? No biggies. Like, once upon a time aku gila nak bungee jumping. Nowadays, aku rasa cam... aku boleh nikmati alam dengan perlahan2, buat apa aku nak pi nikmati alam dengan terjun daripada tempat tinggi dengan kadar kelajuan yang memungkinkan aku tak nampak apa2 pun?

Apa aku bebel nih?

Oh, ya. Gila cari duit. Aku mencari duit dan aku suka mencari duit dan aku suka bila aku dapat duit dan dapat gembirakan mak ayah dengan duit aku. So screw you, judging scums.

Ahahaha, tetibe je nak marah.

Anyway, updates tentang novel2.

1. SEKOLAH BANYAK PENUNGGU dah ditunda keluar ke bulan Mac. Jangan tanya aku. Benda2 behind the scenes ni memang aku tak berapa nak paham. Tapi untuk yang dah buat pre-order tu, jangan risau. Masih berjalan macam biasa.

2. Novel Trio dengan Liza Nur dan Zara Amani dah finalise tajuk kepada TIGA HATI. Ahahahahaha. Tajuk tu sebenarnya pilihan terakhir kitorang dalam banyak2 tajuk yang kitorang cadangkan kat pihak editor, tapi itu yang pihak editor pilih. Bincang2 nak tukar ke tak, last2 sume malas nak tukar dah. So that's that.

3. AKN2.... the bane of my existence. Aku memang nak siapkan, masalahnya bila dah sampai page yang ke300 lebih ni, suddenly ada lost of interest. Tapi ini memang perkara biasa tentang menulis novel. Kalau kita dah tulis something yang memakan beratus page, by the middle of it, we usually want out atau rasa kita tengah menulis citer tehape-hape. Itu halangan yang kena dihadapi. Tu belum masuk lagi bab editor suka tak suka. Bayangkan ko dah bersusah payah siapkan, editor kata, "Ini tak cukup memuaskan"... maksudnya haruslah kau hadapi manuskrip yang ko dah happily let go itu kembali dan proses rasa nak muntah siapkan itu harus dihadapi lagi.

I think I need a muse.

Of Love and Hate

Each and every person that came into your life has a value.

Kenapa tiba-tiba tulis entry melankolia camtu? Ahahahaha. Sebab I was asked why I hate a certain person so much.

Hate is a big word. Hate is too much. I don't necessarily hate people. I am taught to forgive and forget. But it doesn't mean that I do both. It's 'either or', naturally. But saying that I hate someone is just a dramatic way to say I am annoyed.

Every person in one's life has a value. Be it just the stranger who gets into the train before you or a man who once was in your life, they all have a meaning. What we did and didn't do plays a crucial part in the whole system, in the cycle of life. Everybody comes and changes things, be it big or small. And it may not matter much when the changes are too small that you don't see. But when the changes are big enough that it resembles an elephant in the room, that is when the value of that person changes.

Let's say A is friends with B, and they are so nice to each other that B is valued at a higher place rather than anybody else. Then B did something that triggered a change - maybe small, maybe big - in the course of A's life. Hence, A changes her or his attitude, much to B's chagrin. It doesn't mean that A hates B. It just means that A has changed the value of B in his or her life. B is never much a change in A's memory. The good things about B and what B has done is still in A's mind. It's just that when the value of B changes, so is A's attitude towards B.

If that is a "Heh?" to you, let me just explain it this way. I used to have a friend who has helped me a lot in my life. A lot. I will never deny that. It doesn't matter that sometimes the friend sometimes annoy me to bits, the fact that this person was a big assistance to me in one part of my life, caused me to put all annoyance aside. But then things changed, because life is all about changes. Something the friend said was so hurtful that it prompted me to do something that ended worse than what I expected.

Not blaming anybody but myself for what I did, but remembering that what was said was too painful for me to just sweep away, I realised that the value of that friend changed. The admiration I have for the person is still there, but it's a distant memory that is right there in the same shelves as my love for Dunkin Donuts or my obsession for Jay Chou. It's not gone, but it's also not there.

When a value of someone became a distant memory, you restart everything. Restarting things means that you don't have the same value - that may include the admiration, the respect, the ability to withstand anything that makes you oblivious to the person's weaknesses. And restarting things means that all the things that you once ignore, is now there for you to see and it's rock solid. And, while once upon a time you forgive a kind of behaviour or you think the behaviour is funny, the different value you have for that person now renders it useless - that when you change the person's values, your expectation changes too.

What people don't understand is that when they did something - whether they realised it or not, or whether they atoned for it or not, nothing remains the same. You may have been forgiven or you may be not, but chances are, things changed. It's not something that the other person wanted too. It's just human nature. So if you think that once upon a time, your jokes were funny to a certain someone or what you do is considered admirable by that other person - it may not be anymore. It used to be, but that's not because the joke was funny or the things were admirable, it was funny or great because YOU were telling/doing them. When your value changes, the other person doesn't laugh or be awed anymore, and that is because YOU don't have the same value anymore.

We are all guilty of changing values in our lives. We all have done it - putting up new boundaries and restarting ourselves. But boundaries are made to remind ourselves the lesson we learned. We don't hate a particular person. They are still the same person you used to know, but it doesn't mean that the person still have that VIP seat in your life. That is all.

NSTW - "the feature on NETX"

Haven't you heard?

Blog ini baru sahaja featured on Netx Magazine's 8th issue.

(click HERE to read all of it)

I mean, this is the first time this blog (or any blog I ever had for that matter) to be featured on an online magazine. Thanks to Adam, the Netx writer-photographer extraordinaire, I can checked this one out from my must-do list this year:

TRY RADIO INTERVIEW - Checked
GET BLOG TO BE FEATURED IN THE MEDIA - Checked.
FINISH TWO NOVELS - Err......

Netx is one of WUUHUU punya online magazine other than Femag, My E-Comic and NEF. This is November's cover where they have my feature:

And if you are interested in that bag I have on one of the pic, you can visit JUXTA ART and request the newlyweds King and Shasha if they would be willing to recreate the bag again.

But if you are looking for my books, try my agent, Abang Long at ARRAZI.

Yes, I am promoting.... like a boss!

Next Entry: That Aidil Adha event... (dunno bila la aku nak apdet tu)

That Profession Everybody Wants but Nobody Understands...

A lot of time, I get emails from people.

No, not asking about writing - where I get ideas or how to develop a plot. Not those stuff. What I mean is people who are not my book readers.

Sometimes I get emails from people asking me about freelancing jobs. How to do it. Mostly in the lines of "It sounds so much fun, working from home and not needing to hear any bullshit from the boss or co-workers."

Yeah, that's the plus side. But I never recommend this kind of job to people. Not because I don't want to share it. But more or less because you're not equipped for it.

I'm not saying that I'm the freelancer extraordinaire. But I have two advantages. First, I am a novelist. It doesn't matter if I'm not a bestselling writer and the royalties aren't that great. I know for a fact, no matter how bad it goes, at least there will be (at least RM150) in the bank account every three months. At least. Does that help me with any bills? No. But anything is better than 0, right? Secondly, I don't spend. I seldom go out. I have no usual fetishes with shoes or clothes or handbags. Yes, I do have to chalk out money for all the bills, give my parents some and at times pay for the family car, but I don't have additional needs. Yes, I only have two pair of shoes. That is because I don't have to go out and also because I find buying shoes a waste of my time. Whether I have money or not, shoes are a waste to me - the time spent looking for one that gives you comfort, the perfect size and the perfect price. I would love it if everybody walks barefooted. The world would be much more beautiful, then.

But I don't encourage everybody to do what I do. Why?

a) It's not a certainty

Well yeah, you argue that even permanent jobs are not a certainty. But you know every month you will be paid the same amount. I have to live a life not knowing whether this month I will get RM3K or no K at all. I can't spend in any way that I like because I'm not sure whether next month they will tell me that they don't need a freelancer anymore. If a company is thinking about cutting cost, who do you think are going to be the first ones to go? Us freelancers, man.

b) Every day is a holiday. Yes. BUT, every day is also working day

A normal human being should have that separation of work and play. They go to an office, they work. They return home, they forget about work and they rest. They take holidays and use it without any worries, knowing that they earned it. Freelancers work where they live. The sofa is my home, my office, my work chair and my bed. I can't tell you how long since I slept in my room, on my bed with a proper pillow. Every single day, the couch becomes my everything. I am an official couch potato, but not in the usual sense of the word. Holiday is the day when there is no work at all for me to do, which means holiday is the day without money. While people relaxes on holiday, work is looming at the back of my head.

c) You can't help but becoming a workaholic

Because work means money. And since I am living in the wealthy country called Malaysia where you have to pay more than a hundred for a good WIFI reception and the cheapest paling cikai local car price is equivalent to my parent's double-storey terrace house price in the 80s (yes, our old house is only around RM30k), you think nothing else but how to get more money. Not for the additional things (I bought a second hand NOKIA phone and have only two pairs of shoes. I am thrifty at best), but for the basic necessities. I went to GIANT recently to buy the basic food source for a week and all of it cost me RM259. To save cost, we all live under one roof, but living together in a house caused the electricity bill (bless you, gracious TNB =_=) of RM500 above per month. And don't let me start on the other things: water bills, ASTRO, internet, bil pembentung - nak berak kat rumah sendiri pun kena bayar, cukai pintu, cukai pendapatan, car insurance, petrol, road tax, car service. Hey, and I am still single. It's not a life for a freelancer.

d) You think you will travel the world and do things because you're not tied to an office, but you will end up getting more and more antisocial

Freelance work is not office work. That you have to understand. It doesn't come when you want it to come. It doesn't start at 9am and ends at 6pm. Sometimes it comes at 3am and will not end until 5pm the next day. You're not paid by the month, you're paid by your work. It means that whether you want to or not, you have to do it. Your time management is all over the place and you will never be free when others are. You can't go to your friend's birthday party because of work. You can't go to the camping trip because work came in the last hour. You have to cancel your gym schedule because you have to finish something by 7pm. You think you can bring your work to play, but then you realised that nobody can work while others play, so you end up telling friends you can't do it and they think you're making up excuses just so you don't have to be in a social event. At first, that was your reason, but as time goes by, it became your excuse because you no longer understand how the society works. Your time frame and theirs gets more different every single day.

e) Marriage becomes the last thing on your mind

Because there are so many things to do and you don't have time to be introduced, to know someone and go out with them, to think whether he's a good catch or not, to even take time to realise whether your heart is lonely or not or if you even have a heart at all.  

Build a business, work in an office, do anything you want. But for your sake and mine, don't make my profession your ambition.

Things I Like, Part 2

Perasan tak, I kept making etries with the word "Part 1" tapi tak muncul2 "Part 2"? Ha, kali ini aku memunculikan inyenye (bak kata Ah Cai).

I went to SHS' website whenever I feel bored. Banyak interesting thing there. Tapi this one yang paling attract attention aku. Interprete la sesuka hati korang ttg gambarajah berikut (gambarajah?), aku ada interpretation sendiri. Cukup.

"Mak, mak! Apa duit kertas buat dalam gambar ni?"

Agak terasa kena kat batang hidung jugak sebab arituh tak jumpa parking untuk masuk masjid untuk terawikh, aku dengan member2 pegi shopping kat Alam Sentral. In my defense, takde diskaun arituh. Kitorang just pegi sebab masjid penuh. Macam agak bengong jugak. Tapi itu jela sekali kebengongan tu.

Ahaha aku tatau la sape yang emosi sangat buat mende nih. Tapi aku memang tak setuju boleh bawak henpon pi sekolah. Baaaaanyak cantik. Here's an idea. A yellow boxy steel thing yang makan duit kau, dan susah nak jolok amik duit baki. Namanya "phone booth awal tahun 90-an."

Ahahaha memang kelakar. I'm not sure that screen cap dari filem apa. Padaiyappa I suppose kalau ada Vadivelu there. But then again, Vadivelu is everywhere! Aha.

Lawak loghat Negeri. Always funny in my book.

Aku bukan suka benda ni. Aku rasa ayat ni cheesy. Aku cuma letak sini untuk point out kesilapan translation ("Translating Nazi" in the hauuuus). In english, it's something like, friends are like seesaws, when they're not there, I'm down atau when I'm down, they will jump on the other seat and you're up again... something like that. "Down" in this sense bukan "bawah" tapi "rasa sedih" atau "rasa murung" atau "rasa kekosongan". Don't translate it if you can't and this is not the kind of wordplay you can do both in malay dan english. Dah la salah translate, takde maksud plak tu and it's all over the place on FB. It annoys the shit out of me. 

Happens all the time.

Yup. They do. This, my friend is the art of paraprosdokia. Seni penulisan kreatif/humor yang aku paling suka dalam dunia dan I wish to master it, like the masters, such as comedian Jay London and Jimmy Carr. Google it if you don't know. Aku malas nak explain.

Walaupun dari 9Gag (and maybe actually from 4chan or entah mana lagi), I actually saw this on Nad punya FB. Aku tengah makan biskut raya masa baca ni. Terus tersembur. I'm a beautiful monkey, yo! Sing the beautiful monkey song! U-u... A-a-a...!

Aku tak ingat sangat apa maksudnya, tapi something like alangkah sedihnya bila orang lain sibuk membuat keajaiban, tapi kita sibuk mencari keajaiban di atas telur dan tembikai. 

Memang sangat betul sebab inilah dilema orang Islam zaman sekarang. Kita terus banggakan zaman kegemilangan dulu, kita asyik sibuk sebar tentang konspirasi tanpa berbuat apa-apa dan kita sibuk highlight-kan penemuan2 miracle. Tak salah, tapi agak memalukan bila orang lain bergerak ke depan dgn all the gadgetry, all the state of the art things, meanwhile, kita masih lamenting on the days of old, the days of Ibnu Sina dan Ibnu Rusyd. Ini cam peringatan untuk aku jugak. 

I have been thinking about this for quite a while, sebab memang sesetengah fesyen tudung tu (aku pun penah buat) memang menyerupai rambut, atau memberikan bayangan rambut. Aku tak kata salah untuk bergaya, tapi kalau dah sampai tahap tudung yang buat orang lain mengumpat tu (turban la bagai siap ada tiara kat belah atas dan berjumbai2 kat dahi), memang sah2 la salah. Bukan nak mengharamkan itu dan ini, cuma berpatut2 la sikit dalam apa pun. Meh saling mengingat!

I think I'm a dork more than anything. I'm a Dorky McDorkerson!