GAD

I don't want to be one of those people who admit to having mental disorders without being checked by health professionals.

But I do have to admit that I am becoming more and more anxious each day, the helplessness of which I do not even know how to explain except that I am now hanging by a thread.

Oh, this actually started much much simpler than it is. I have always been a jittery person. It's part and parcel of being an introvert. I think too much. My brain would automatically go, "Did that thing that I did or say a day ago/a week ago/a month ago/ a year ago/20 years ago something cringy? It was cringy, wasn't it? Oh my God, I am not going to be able to live this down" every night. I called myself a balancist - someone who would always think the worse that could happen whenever everybody is too positive about the outcome. It was an obsession to me, to be the party-pooper, because otherwise the world will not be balanced. I am always tired, I have more vivid nightmares than good dreams (which I kinda enjoy, as weird as it sounds. Having nightmares means that I would wake up and be like, "Oh thank God that's just a dream..." rather than having great dreams and waking up and be like, "Ugh, my real life is shit", so yeah, nightmares woohoo!

But I have lived with it. I have continued to live my life with it and the older I get, the less severe it felt. I became mature enough to learn and let things go, to think that everybody is cringy and everybody must have those embarrassing moments in their lives that they would rather not think about. Which is why nowadays I will read things on the internet until I fall asleep, just so that my mind won't go down that rabbit hole.
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But this week has been the most challenging week of all, because of one person. No, it's not my dad. I know I keep saying that I am stressed out trying to navigate the path that is his health situation and his stubbornness in maintaining the same lifestyle before his kidney went bonkers on him. But dad, that I can still handle.

But this other person... I can't.

Let me give you a situation without explaining who this person is. Say that you are a member of an elite force, who has been following all the rules to ensure the safety of your team. But you have that one member who has screwed up and endangered his life, and decided that "you know what, I am not gonna care about this. If I have to die because of it, I will die because of it"... He is adamant in not changing anything, in not moving forward, in not doing anything at all. He is shutting down. In a different situation, you would go, "Fine, destroy yourself if you must. I don't care". But being a member of your team means that his refusal to budge is endangering everybody else. And he can't be reasoned with, he will snap at the idea of having people try to reason with him (he even snapped at the team leader), and the only solution to not risk the team's safety is on him. You can't kill him or banish him. That's not something you can do for obvious reasons.

And also, because loyalty and obligation demand that you have to stick with him, even if he hates your guts.

So how do you resolve that issue? How do you suppose you can protect your team from a team member who just wants the world to burn? How do you protect a person who doesn't want to protect himself, who hates you, and who has yet to realise that he is the only person who can save himself? You know that you can't solve the problem, but you have to. You just have to. You don't know how, but you have to. And that helplessness is eating you inside.

And to make things worse, you are the team member who will be at the forefront when the attack finally comes because you are there. You are always there. There is no other team that you can hide behind, there is no other war you can distract yourself with, nobody who could shield you from it and tell you that "It's going to be okay", because you are there, because you are the team member whose responsibility it is to tell everybody "It's going to be okay". And every single time you hear a sound behind the enemy line, your heart feels like it's going to burst. You can't sleep. You can't distract yourself with other things. You are slowly being reduced, bit by bit, by the cancerous nature of your anxiety.

And then you have to go out, and smile.

The only positive thing you can get from this is that, "Heck, at least I have no appetite for food, so at least in six to seven months' time, I am going to be thin again."

Humour is my Lestrange Vault

(Written while still waiting outside on my own for the doctors to make a decision about dad.) 

29 November. It's 4.28pm. We've been here since 7.45am. It was supposed to be a short appointment with the nephrologist.  But he noticed the blood in my dad's urine (ayah has been wearing a cath since he was discharged from the hospital in Shah Alam last week), and asked us to go to the ER.  

It was only a few months ago that my dad was happy as a clam, climbing the tall mangosteen tree at age 70 like the monkey man that he is.  Then boom.  He got ill, wouldn't eat,  found infection in his blood and now here we are. 

I make jokes all the time.  I joke about how annoying he is at taking his pills, I joke about his memory that has been deteriorating since he got ill,  I joke about how mum pesters me too much.  I even made a joke with him about the colour of his urine,  that sometimes it looks like lemonade,  sometimes like fresh orange,  sometimes watermelon. 

Today,  it's the colour of Pepsi.

But the jokes,  they're the jar that kept the key in.  Because if I let the key out and unlock the drawer inside my mind,  everything will flood out and multiply.  You remember in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows when the trio tried to get the Helga Hufflepuff's Cup from Bellatrix Lestrange's vault and Hermione accidentally knocked over a gold bangle in there and it multiplied? One by two,  two by four,  four by eight? Those are the things that I kept locked inside, worried that it would fall down on the floor and multiply. 

Humour is all I have. Humour is my biggest asset.  Thinking about what race your doctor is (who looks like a Filipino actor but has a name that sounded Thai) while he copies your dad's medical history kinda make it less overwhelming for me. Finding humour in the fact that the ER has six odd situations (let me get to that later) makes the migraine that I felt from standing so long inside a packed room of doctors and nurses and patients less unbearable.

The truth is, negativity overwhelms. The past six months have been overwhelming. This year should have been THE year, you know. Turkey was supposed to be the beginning of an awesome year. I was supposed to make a writing comeback, we're gonna go do our umrah, I was gonna make more money to repair my mum's kitchen, it would all be dandy. But it went downhill from there. I lost one third of my secured freelance job because of the "advent of technology". My siblings were faced with illnesses and financial woes. My mum added hypertension to her diabetes, then my cat got hit by a car and nearly lost his ability to walk. Then my dad suddenly got ill, lost his appetite, and now we're here.

Through it all, humour was my source of solace, though sometimes people thought that my jokes were just me being whiny about my dad's illness. I did an online questionaire about depression and was diagnosed mildly depressed, which is mildly depressing. Haha. 

All my life, I wanted nothing more than to satisfy. Not mediocrity, just satisfaction (that's another discussion). Not to be the number one writer in Malaysia, just to be satisfied when people send me messages about how my book cheered them up in times of trouble. Not to be the richest person in the world, just to be able to satisfy my family's needs. Not to be best most pious person in the world, just enough to satisfy God and win His love. To be satisfied, is to be jack of all trades, master of none.

But it's hard. It's getting harder, still. Sometimes, I couldn't help but ask, why some people always gets everything so easily and yet always whining about things, when it has always been hard for me - I got into SMKAKS in my third try. I got into IIUM without anyone's help. I worked my hardest to earn my lecturer's attention only to get it in my fourth year after taking five courses with him... when nobody could stand even one (yes, I know. I have a thing for melting ice). I was rejected by Alaf 21, and climbed my way back to it. I was turned down by one employer after another until Cinema Online accepted me (which is why I would always defend Chinese and Indian companies when being confronted by people calling them racist. Because THEY were the first ones who saw me for what I can be). A failed business broke me, but I scratched my way back. And the fall feels more painful each time, but the climb makes it more exhilarating.

In the words of my best friend Mun, this is usually the part in a romantic movie where the protagonist would book a flight and leave everything behind. Maybe go to Turkey again, find love and happiness under the Cappadocia sky. But in reality, life is more like a horror movie - you know your house is haunted and the ghosts are trying to kill you, and yet you couldn't leave because of the mortgage.

But then again, maybe to those living with hardship, I am that whiny bish.

(finally warded at 7.15pm)

Butterflies and Hurricanes

Today, I took back my manuscript from the publisher. And there had been speculations about why I did it. Some insinuated that I 'merajuk'. Some said that I got an offer from someplace else. Some even think that it has anything to do with royalty and publishing politics.

Sigh. People and speculations. 

So here's why.

I sent my manuscript on 11 April 2015. It was inspired by my (then still alive) cats, Mugabe, A'a, and Kimon (that's all I can say). In January 2016, I asked my editor about it, and he said that they have slotted in for April (as in for editing, not for release). April came and gone. By 11 May 2016, I asked him again, and then he told me.

There were some changes. Big changes. Not sure my manuscript will get to be released this year. So I asked him if I can take it back. He referred me to another editor. 

The second editor asked me why, and if I didn't want to write with Buku Prima again. I said that wasn't the case at all. It wasn't about money, about who gets what slot, merajuk and all that. Okay, so partly it is about the money, since I am 33. Let's be real. I am not writing for the fun of it. I write so I can eat and pay my bills. If I die today, I have nothing except for some cash in the bank, THAT's how dirt poor I am. So, it would be hypocritical for me to say that I am writing for the love of it. That shit ain't real. Girl gotta live.

Glad that's over with (I just get sick and tired with people trying to beautify the reality of life as a writer with words such as 'dream', 'passion', 'money don't matter' bladibla.... yeah, if you're 20. Try being a single woman at 33 working freelance. You got no time for that fable anymore).

Anyway. If you read my blog dated February, you would have already knew that I am burnt out as a writer. (Read the rest of the post because I am done talking about it and explaining it). It felt like I am doing the same thing over and over again. And I am Nurul Syahida. I don't do the same things over and over again. I used to quit my job with no plan at all. I invest in a business that goes nowhere, and then got entangled in a long court battle. That's how I roll (or Roul, if you catch my drift). I took a leap of faith, and more often than not, I failed. But failure, as much as success, is intoxicating. It even gets me closer to the Maker. 

But right now, I am at a point of my life that I am neither successful nor failed. I am at a static place, a place of comfort, where dreams die and passion goes to hell. I used to think at 30 I will migrate to Australia, selling karipap or kites at the beach. Living life. But where I am right now? At home, doing God knows what.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have what people called 'the writer's dream'. I don't dream of having my book on the bestseller's list for the rest of eternity. I don't dream of seeing it on the big screen (or the small screen for that matter). I don't dream about socialising with celebrities, becoming popular, becoming stinking rich that I can own my own island. My dream is simple. My dream is to become better. Better doesn't come with wealth and fame (having enough money to die and not worry about the family is enough). Better comes with growth.

When my editor told me about the big change in the company, I took it as a sign. The industry is at its balanced best/worst situation, people are getting skeptical about books, I keep on defending writers and books from naysayers than actually writing. I am already burned out from writing the same old thing. And here's my editor, telling me in a nutshell that the sales of my previous books are not putting me in the VIP section. I am a pariah, waiting for some accident in the schedules for my book to squeeze into. 

These are all signs. These are all reasons for me to try that leap of faith again. To do the things I always wanted to do but too afraid to do it for fear of losing what I already have. Now that I am losing what I already have, I have become scared. But it's a good scared. It's crazy "Shai is doing things with no Plan B" scared.

In short, I just want 60 year-old me (if I was still alive, that is. God knows who is holding the red button to the nuclear bombs right now, or if I am even alive next month) to know that I've tried. I want her to know that I took that leap, and that at the age of 60 (or 70 or whatever), I knew that the younger me didn't waste her time living in a comfort zone. That she tried. Succeeding or failing are not the measure here, but the mere fact that she wanted something and she tried getting it.

I owe that much to myself. 

So, what 'leap of faith' am I talking about? Pfft, like I'm gonna tell you that.

And for that manuscript, I don't know. I am still thinking about it. I may do some editing to suit the dates (it was written with the idea that everything ended in 2015 because it was the date I sent it, but now I have to change everything. And I mean everything!). I may publish it into a book, or I may just publish the content into my blog. I can't be selfish. I have readers, even if there isn't a lot of them.

But right now, I am high on that leaping energy. I am gonna go berserk for the rest of the year (questioning why am I doing this stupid crazy thing when I have something good going on, hitting my head on the table going "This is shit! This is shit!", and lie on the floor thinking about the purpose of life... oh yes, I am expecting all those things), but right now, that's all I want.

  

The randomness.

I am Frogger, the scaredy-cat amphibian who jumps across the busy street. 

As Aretha Franklin would put it...

"Respect is earned, not given".

I find that people who keeps using this mantra to be assholes who wants to justify their assholeness.

I read a skewed version of this mantra on someone's comment about proper attire. In an article about certain people who disrespects weddings by attending it wearing their lazy Sunday clothes, someone stated that "respect is earned, not given". What a load of crap. Are you asking that the people, who cordially invited you to eat for free at their house, needs to respect you before you can wear something proper to their event?

I mean, I grew up being taught that you should respect everybody, that respect is only lost when a person does something to lose it. Not the other way around. How do you function the other way around anyway? Are you going to be rude to everybody until you get to know them and realise that they are nice, and THEN start to respect them? That's just bogus.

No, I get what you mean by respect should be earned. But I think the correct way to say it is that you should be respectful to others if you want them to respect you.

Or yet : Courtesy should be given, respect should be earned. Yes. But what is respect anyway? People nowadays actually took the slogan literally and think that they can be assholes to just about anybody, while at the same time think that people should earn their respect.

Here lies the issue with young people nowadays. I know, I am just 32, who am I to talk like some veteran soldier being harassed by teenagers, right? But this slogan seemed to have skewed a lot of people. And anyway, losing one's respect to someone doesn't mean one should be rude to him or her either. That's what differentiate one from a monkey. A monkey whose banana was stolen by someone would retaliate by throwing rocks to said person. An actual man with sound mind would be courteous and find solution to the issue.

But if your solution to someone being disrespectful too you is by cussing them, making fun of them, threatening to kill them, stalking them, and making their life a living hell, you sir, are worse than a monkey.

I quote a comment made by a Facebook user by the name of Balasubramaniyan from an article I read a few days ago, who said (and I paraphrase), "Some people now thinks that they can be disrespectful to people of any race, belief, and culture just because they do not hold the same belief with them. They think that a person should not be angry if they were slighted, if their belief is being mocked by someone, as long as that someone doesn't share the same belief with them. They blame the group as a whole for the mistake of one, but they themselves create a mob mentality in accusing others. They want you to earn their respect, while at the same time, get angry when you disrespect them. Trolls, are what they are."

Nope. Trolls are nicer. They guard bridges. These people on the other hand, burn bridges with their scumbaggery.

Oh, anyway, here's an additional message:

To Be(sy) or not to Be(sy)

I love working.

You know how I always said that I have too much work and that I am tired of doing them? The truth is, when I am not working, I missed working.

That's what happened yesterday, after finishing the first 16 episodes of a Filipino teleserye that I have been working on since two weeks ago. Suddenly, I was filled with this emptiness that cannot be fulfilled by anything else except another batch of translations.

I know what people will say.

"Of course you're a workaholic, you have nothing else other than your work."

That is true. Haha. I am not going to be mad at people for stating the fact. In a sense, I really don't have anything else except work (I have, though, but it's not something that can easily be explained). And sometimes, the issue has turned into a chicken-egg debate. "Adakah Shai bekerja sebab dia tak ada benda lain nak buat, atau dia tak boleh buat benda lain sebab dia banyak bekerja?"

I think it goes both ways. When I don't have anymore work to do, everybody else seems busy. So I decided, heck, I should just get more work done, and agree to more work, which in the end, clashed with other people's free time. So they waited for me to finish my work, and think, "Heck, while we wait for Shai, let's get more work done", and so when I finished doing what I had to do, people got busy doing their work. So, it's a cycle, really.

The thing about being paid per project is that you can actually see the money. I mean, not directly. But you know what one script costs, and the more you translate, the more money you'll get. So it kinda create this whole new version of greed in you. You will end up having the slogan, "Why would I be doing that (example: watching a movie, shopping, meeting people), when I can make money at home?"

And your time is measured in money as well. Like, "You know, one whole day at the beach will incur a loss of RM220, give and take. And that's just what I should be making. We haven't count how much money I will be spending yet."

I really do have to do something about it, before my friends get annoyed with me (I say friends, not bestfriends. Because my bestfriends understand the nature of my job more than anyone else in this world, and they would never hold it against me). I am pretty sure, some of them are already fed-up with me anyway.

credit: Girls Can Tell

I dare you. I double dare you.

Five things.

There are five sentences that I hate the most. It causes my jaw to clench, my blood to boil, and my anger tachometer going from 0 to 10, Ramadhan or not.

There are words that people don't want to hear. For example, one of my friends hate it when people use the word "Sabarlah..." It's not the act of being patient that rubs her the wrong way, but the notion it gives, that you are not patient at all and need to be told to be patient; or the notion that the person writing it or saying it doesn't have anything to say but still thinks he or she has to say something.

Another one of my friends hates it when people said, "You're so good at doing this. Anybody would be lucky to marry you...". It's not that the compliment angers her, but the fact that she has been told that again and again and again and yet she was single that made it irksome (she's getting married now, FYI, so your loss, mankind).

I have my own taboo statements as well. These are the things that would usually spark that kettle whistle in my brain, and I will tell you why.

a) "Penulis ni mesti banyak berangan, kan?"
("There must be a load of daydreaming involved in being a writer, eyh?")

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know that I don't need any education to be a writer. All I need to do is staring dreamily into space and think about rich guys who would do everything he can to be with me, right?

It annoys me so much that people still has that notion that THAT what writers do. We're not all E.L. James, man. Some of us spent years of research before writing something. We listen to people's stories, we spend time writing the right words, finding the right plot, and sending messages to people. You must be mistaken 'daydreaming' with 'great scope of imagination'. Great scope of imagination? That we have. Drooling by the window thinking about being swept off your feet by rich dude riding a horse? That we don't do.

And really, male writers rarely get these kinds of comments. It mostly female writers. Is it because we mostly write romance novels, that some idiots think all we do is think about being saved by six-pack billionaire adonis?

b) "Kau ni kena selalu banyak keluar jumpa orang."
("You have to go out and meet people.")

You know, 'meeting people' has a lot of connotations. If you mean, going out and socialise with people, I do that sometimes. Do I always do that? No. Why? Because I have work sometimes. And socialising drains my energy. I hate to explain to people about extroversion vs. introversion, because it's lame. But if you mean 'meeting a lot of guys', meeeh.

But the thing is, 'selalu banyak keluar' is not the answer for life's question. In my late twenties, I do that a lot. I go out, I take vacations, I meet new people, I network. But truth be told, I get tired of doing it, of being somebody that I am not. Nowadays, I manage my time better, get to know and be friends with quality people. Meeting readers, that's more fun.

c) "Ala, makan jela ubat..."
("just take some pills...")

I've talked about this in my previous post about migraines. I don't get angry when people ask me to just take my med when it's only flu or things like that. When I get migraines, though, that's another story.

It's the insensitivity that I hate, the kind of words people say when they think you're being a baby. Whenever people say that to me, I would always imagine filling their head with rocks and then shake it like a cocktail shaker. "See? Now, tell yourself 'makan jela ubat'..." I would say.

Sigh. That would be an awesome thing to do to people.

d) "Ala, kau kerja kat rumah je kot..."
("You're only working from home...")

Let me tell you why I hate hearing that. You know how teachers hate it when people say, "How hard can it be?", or when doctors were told "Doctors only want people to get vaccines for their own profit!" or when an interior designer being told, "Pfft, even I can do this job!"

That's the thing. Respect people's job, people!

Yes, unlike others, I am more fortunate to be able to work at home and avoid traffic congestion. But it doesn't mean that I have all the time for other things. I can't just go wherever you want me to go without prior notice. I am not a businessman... okay, a service is also a kind of business, but what I mean is I don't create work. I work for others. I work for several companies, I have deadlines, I have projects. I may be working in my PJs, but I am a professional when it comes to my work. I don't take vacations sesuka hati without informing my bosses, and I don't take vacations sesuka hati without thinking the consequences to my monthly pay.

I have a very unstable income, if you want to know. It depends on how much work I do daily (that's why I would suggest ministers being paid like a freelancer. Then a lot of things are done faster and better). I am also expendable. What does that mean, you ask? It means that if I don't do my job well, there are thousands of freelancers or would be freelancers waiting to do my job. You know how many people ask me how to do what I do on daily basis?

I never questioned your work, why would you question mine?

e) "Yela, kau jela yang betul..."

Nope. If you want to have a debate with me, then come at me with facts, son. And be ready to listen to my opinion. If you're just trying to spew your ideology all over the place with no facts, then be ready to get schooled. I can listen to your crap, so listen to mine.

Anyway... what's your taboo sentence?

Consequences

People are too liberal nowadays.

People wanna go nude? Okay!
Dude wanna be dudette? Okay!
Dudette wanna be dude? Okay!
People bashing other people's belief? Okay!

Why? Because they're "free to do" what they want to do. They said.

As much as I don't want to judge people for their choices, I am also worried that people today as human beings are so distant from the word "Consequences" that they no longer understand it.

People nowadays don't understand that there're consequences to one's action. There is no longer balance in anything. When we were young, we were taught that whatever we do will have its consequences. Not just directly, but also indirectly. If you put your hand inside a snake hole, there is a possibility that you will be bitten by a snake. And that there is a possibility for that snake to leave the hole and bite someone else because you disturbed its slumber.

Nowadays, it's more like, "Oh my God, that snake is wrong. It should not bit her! She has every right to put her hand in that hole. Don't teach her not to put a hand in the hole, teach the snake not to bite."

No. It goes both ways. (Of course, actual snakes can't be taught...unless you're a snake charmer... and they sometimes got killed by snakes). As much as you have to teach A not to hurt, you should also teach others that what happens to B should be a lesson. B might be wrong, or B might just be an innocent victim, but what happened to B should be a lesson to others, whatever that lesson might be. And that lesson should not be "Do whatever you want, because we're free."

But of course, you should never said "Serves B right" for whatever happen. That's just cruelty.

All I am saying, as much as we would like people not to judge before knowing the whole story, we should also teach them every story has a lesson to learn, a reminder for the rest of us.

Kaki Bodeks Piss Me Off

Kaki bodek pisses me off.

There. I said it.

You know how rude people becomes nicer in Ramadhan, or how kaki mengumpat will try to restrain themselves from mengumpat lebih banyak in the fasting month?

But kaki bodek remains a kaki bodek all year round. Why? Because kaki bodek never think of themselves as a sinner. "I am just praising my boss, what's wrong with that?"

Evvverything is wrong with that.

Sure, when someone does good and deserves a praise, you praise them. You should not be so arrogant as to say, "Ala, baru buat baik sekali, nak mintak puji". Nope. Good deed is good deed. Good work is good work. You should acknowledge it.

But praising someone for evvverything they do even when it's wrong?

There are three worst things in the world:
a) People who do bad things (bad. just bad)
b) People who saw other people do bad things but say nothing about it (all of us, naturally... sometimes...)
c) People who praises people who do bad things (which is the absolute worse)

And I have witnessed a lot of this going on. One time, this lady, who I will call 'A' (uuuu... so original, using the first word of the alphabet to describe someone so that they can't sue you)... kept babbling to me about the injustice that has been in practice in her company. Later on, the company's big boss lamented about a certain employee, and there's her, in one of the comments, going, "Oh, that is true. We should not do that. We should always be thankful that our esteemed boss has given us a job in the first place."

I mean, she is one step away from going, "All hail, big boss!".... so sickening.

You know why I think Category C people are worse than Category B people? Because these lots don't only make it look like nothing is wrong with the situation, but they also ENCOURAGE it. There is this one dude that I know. He was the worst.

"I love working with a modern, courageous, innovative person such as yourself," he wrote on his boss' Facebook status.

*prepare to launch roll-eyes version 3.0*

Like I said, I don't mind people commending other people for their job well done. I do that sometimes. I like writing to said people and tell them how good their services are. For example, last time, a Rapid KL bus driver going to Damansara asked me to get in after I missed my bus going to Shah Alam, and he chased the Shah Alam bus to the next stop so that I could get in. So, later on, I wrote to Rapid KL and praised the bus driver for a job well done. A few months later, RAPID KL create that ridiculous Bit Bit Card system,...................

So I told them they're dumb.

But sometimes, I also adopt the sins of Category B people, by not saying what I really think. And you know why I do that sometimes? Because of the existence of Category C people. A good friend of mine did that once. I mean, speaking the truth about the state of things. What happened to her, you ask? She has been 'indirectly' banished for it. I mean, why would the top people care, right? There are a lot of kaki bodeks saying it's not true, anyway.

It's hard to live a brave life. The cowards are not making it easier, and the kaki bodeks made it impossible.

When people starts war of the words on FB

The older I get, the more annoyed I am with social networking sites.

Just the other day, someone I know was angry at another someone who is also a Facebook friend. The issue was?

A wrote an ambiguous post about her feelings and B thought A was talking about her. So B PM-ed A to ask if she was talking about her, but A did not reply. However, B said she swear A has read her PM because there is that 'seen at' thingy under the message, which shows at what time A has read the PM.

So, angry with A, B decided to write her own ambiguous FB post about dishonesty in friendship, and somehow, C, D, and E began to discuss it, with each and every one of them asking if B was talking about them.

I can imagine what happens next. It's cyclical.

Before I begin babbling about the human interaction in Facebook, I would like to point out several things:

1. Those 'seen at' thing are not to be trusted. 
- I mean, a while ago, Mun was staying overnight at my house, and when I was talking to Nad in our group chat thingy, the thingy wrote "Seen by Munira" despite the fact that Mun is in the toilet. It either means:
a) Someone back home is using her laptop and reading her messages
b) That thing is just stupid 
- I mean, I had trouble with someone last year who called me 'sombong' because I didn't reply to her message when I actually hasn't been reading any messages. She said that I have read it (because of that 'seen at' thing) when the truth is, I have not been on Facebook at all. I don't even have internet on my phone to be able to surf just anywhere.

2. The world does not revolve around you
- I don't know about others, but if you're talking about me, I am just the type of person who would just write ambiguous things because I feel like it, or because I had a chat with someone who told me their problems and I decided to say something about the problem. It doesn't have to be about me or about me having a conflict with anybody. I just like to express stuff because I am a writer. Wordplays are my thing.

Now, back to babbling about Facebook. I mean, seriously? What are you doing on Facebook? Going around reading statuses and making sure that everybody loves you and has nothing bad to say about you? Fine, if someone is actually using your name and say shit about you, but I find it ridiculous for someone to make a big deal about sentences such as "Persahabatan tak bererti tanpa pengorbanan", and saying things like, "I know she is talking about me. What's her problem?"

Well, what's YOUR problem?

Stop reading Facebook posts if you're the type of person who misunderstands easily. I used to feel that way. Whenever someone wrote something about a writer who is this and that, I kept thinking if they are talking about me, but then my friends kinda give me the allegorical slap in the face by saying, "Stop thinking everything is about you. It's not".

So, it doesn't matter if it IS about me. I can't spend much of my time wondering who likes me and who doesn't and why that person can't say shit to my face. It's not healthy. Writing things on Facebook is therapy for some, and unless you really are interested in learning whatever it is they are saying (and not just for the sake of gossiping), stop basing your conflict on every single thing written on FB.

As much as you should never be a bully on Facebook, don't play a victim on it too.

In regards to the A vs B, A was actually lamenting about another friend's conflict with his best friend. It has nothing to do with her friendship with B.

And don't you start on "ini semua agenda yahudi untuk menjatuhkan orang Islam..." because you being overly-sensitive and emotional is not nurtured by any yahudi. It's you.

The thing with the -ISTS

I am reminded of a conversation that I had with my former editor, who was also a former player (now a married man and a father of one, I heard, bless him). It was about the treatment of women by men, and how I am against women being treated like an object, to which he said:

"You and your feminist views."
"I am not a feminist," said I.
"You sound like one."

To tell you the truth, it's not about me being a feminist or not being a feminist. I just hate labels. I hate the 'ist' (except for 'novelist', but then again, I prefer the word author/writer). The thing is, sometimes when we label ourselves with the 'ist', we tend to become obsessed with the tag/label and started behaving like the 'ist' we chose.

I am not saying being feminist is bad. Not at all. I, of all people, hate it when women resorted to 'asking men for help because we're just so weak and in need of manly strength...' (Oh come on. I can lift a cupboard on my own...) or the double standard in the corporate world, the mistreatment of rape victims, and all the other sexual harassments cases. I hate it when women think that they can't go far with their brain, or spending an awful lot of time being angry with the world because some other pretty girls get things easier (I will talk about this thing in another entry). I hate it when we are associated with things like "shopping", "shoes" and "make up", as if we're just that (and sadly, some women do attribute themselves with only those things)

In a way, yeah, I have feminist... tendency? thoughts? ideas?

Anyway, what I am saying is, I kept hearing people calling themselves "liberalist", "Islamist", "fundamentalist", neo-progressive thinkers, modernist, and whatever label you can use. Sometimes when people ask me what I am, I just said I am a neo-pseudo-feminist counter liberal antagonist.... it doesn't have any meaning, but it's fun to see people going "oooooo" as if it's a thing.

It's not a thing. I'm just being sarcastic.

Not that I am against the isms. I just hate it when people are sooooo in love with their labels, that they shape every single thing, even things that don't matter, into the kind of label they want to be. It's as annoying as talking to people who said stuff like, "I am a Saggitarean, we like doing things that way" or, "I was born in the year of the Ox, so I am a bit stubborn...", "I am of the O blood type. We're a bit hot-tempered". Seriously, stop blaming the year you were born or the zodiac sign for every effed-up behaviour you have.

It's now "Oh, I am a progressive liberal thinker and I think these people are idiots."

You're an idiot.

In saying this, I am not saying that everybody with the 'isms' are all annoying labelists (is that a thing?). I am just saying that while labeling yourself is fine, don't make it a habit in every conversation. Yes, I know you're a Cancerian/Horse baby/AB-type/neo-conservatist.... don't keep on spewing those words to make you seem unique. You are unique without your label. I can tell you how unique you are from the way you talk, the way you give your opinion, your confidence, and your views about the topics in hand. You don't need to express your political stance to show you're intelligent. Because sometimes, those ideologies you kept vomiting from your mouth are only showing how unintelligent you are.

Anyways, while in that discussion about the objectification of women with my former editor back in 2008, he was then interrupted by a female co-worker, who asked him if her female friends can share a ride with him to another one of our co-worker's wedding. He asked her who the friends are and if there're pretty ones, and she showed him pictures of her friends and ask him to pick his favourites to share the ride. He grinned at me, and said, "See? Now your feministic views are all going down the drain."

Yeah, thanks, women. You guys are very 'helpful' in my cause =_=

"So, in a way, you're an individualist?"
"Don't make it a thing. It's not a thing."

SIM card aku rosak, so aku bermonolog tentang kehidupan...

Bila aku kata SIM card aku rosak, member aku cam....

"Nampak sangat ko single."

Ahahahahahahaha. Apa kaitannya? Banyak kaitannya. Hanya orang single yang sangat tenang bila SIM card rosak, fon rosak, atau apa2 hal kerosakan yang berkaitan line of communication.

Tapi it juga sangat berkaitan dengan orang yang kerja freelance-slash-novelist dari rumah macam aku (aku boleh je tulis freelancer/novelist instead of guna perkataan 'slash'.. saje menyusahkan diri).

Truth be told, I hate phones.

Aku terganggu bila dihubungi di telefon. Bila orang call aku, aku jadi blur, I say the stupidest thing that makes Snooki nampak bijak laksana (aku tak tengok "Jersey Shore" atau "Snooki & JWoww" pun untuk buat Snookie reference... which is actually a very very very old reference. I just have weird knowledge about reality shows). Apetah lagi bila aku tengah menulis. Cantik je aku punya flow, sekali tu ada bunyik lagu "Knights of Cydonia" berkumandang dengan dahsyatnya.

Hilang sume flow idea aku.

Satu lagi sebab aku tak suka mengikuti perkembangan zaman (kata seorang bekas student Political Science whose studies are more or less about the political progress of the era). Dulu aku suka tau apa nama model kereta terbaru dan main that game dalam keta with my sister where you pick a car of your choice and kira ada berapa banyak kat jalan raya and whoever pick the most, wins..... well, actually wins nothing except the right untuk berlagak.

Tapi sekarang ni terlampau banyak model kereta yang keluar, aku dah stop paying attention. Imagine playing the same game in this insufferable adult life.

"Itu Honda, kan?"
"Nope."
"How can that not be a Honda?"
"Itu Nissan Altima."
"Looks like a Honda to me."
"How can that look anything like a Honda?"

Yeppp.. I am crap at that.

Sama jugaklah macam brand telefon. A few weeks ago, telefon lama aku rosak, so I used my father's phone instead. Nad tanya aku, phone apa. Aku kata Samsung. Then dia tanya aku Samsung apa.

I don't know. Cheap Samsung?

Then Maxis hantar SMS configuration, saying "TQ, you'll receive settings for your Samsung S3850 Corby II soon..." and aku cam, Oh, so nama kau Corby... mmmkay.

Today, aku baca artikel tentang Chow Yun Fat. Chow Yun Fat is one of the highest earning stars in Hong Kong with wealth over HKD 1 billion... which is bersamaan dengan RM...... eh pi Google sendiri lah. And yet, dia pergi events naik public transport, jarang apdet baju2 yang dia ada, dan pakai henpon cikai. Why? Sebab dia kata dia boleh observe orang kalau naik public transport and people would not realise he's there at all sebab diorang sume busy tunduk tengok fon masing2. And why dia pakai fon cikai? Sebab dia suka fon cikai dia.

So I guess Fat Gor is my idol in that sense.

That brings me to the point... kenapa bila aku hidup dengan dhaif, some successful people kata, "Kau kena berubah" and bagi aku contoh-contoh orang-orang kaya yang berjaya macam Dr. Fazley atau Donald Trump sebab diorang dress and act for the job they want. And yet bila aku kata, "Christopher Nolan takde henpon", sume orang kata, "Kau mana boleh samakan diri ko dengan Christopher Nolan...."

How can you compare me to those other rich people who you think I should take as an example, but when I pick my example, ko kata tak bleh plak?

Jap, apa cerita aku tadi? Aku rasa aku dah keluar topik....

Oh well.

In reality, Fat Gor tak bakar rokok dengan duit though...

*masukkan lagu Zaiton Sameon di sini*

Lama sungguh aku tak update blog.

Maafkan aku.

Bukannya aku malas, tapi aku tak sempat.

Banyak benda yang aku tak sempat nak buat.

Aku tak sempat nak update tumblr.

Aku tak ada masa enough nak update Page FB Liza Nur.Nurul Syahida.Zara Amani (which is our official page... yang aku sangka senang sikit kalau bertiga sebab that way boleh pastikan page tu sentiasa aktif... but somehow tak jugak... trust three novelists to actually find something to update!.. yeah, we shud've just hired someone to manage it...)

Malah season terbaru BOARDWALK EMPIRE dah stack up dalam koleksi things that I should watch but have yet to do so.

Lepas hantar AKN2 tempoh hari, aku start pulak menulis SBP2. Lepas SBP2, aku nak sambung manuskrip ILHAM AZIZA (temporary title) yang aku tinggalkan buat sementara. Malah aku berhutang tiga cerita kanak-kanak dengan editor Unit Kanak2 Buku Prima.

Jadi aku mintak maaf banyak-banyak. Aku akan cuba jadi manusia yang lebih pandai menguruskan masa selepas semuanya selesai.

PS: Mak kata inilah puncanya aku tak kahwin2. Ahahahaha. Aku kata, "Mak, jodoh tu kalau dah sampai, duduk lubang cacing pun jumpa bakal suami. Kalau jodoh tu tak sampai, muka cantik macam Miss Universe dengan skil rumah tangga level Martha Stewart pun still single..."

I don't always hate everything

People kept telling me: "Shai, banyak sangatlah isu kau ni. Itu tak suka, ini tak suka. Apa yang kau suka kalau semua benda tak elok je kat mata ko?"

You want me to list things? Fine.

BENDA-BENDA YANG AKU SUKA PART I

1. Nutella
2. Food made by people who want to impress you, not food made by people who want you to praise them. Yes, they are two different things.
3. Bunga kekwa
4. The kind of morning where your neighbour doesn't think drilling the wall would be a good idea
5. David Mitchell
6. Saying random things
7. Singing random things
8. Gone with the Wind
9. Writing and not being interrupted
10. Encyclopaedia
11. People who like me
12. People who do not hate me
13. Translating Spanish telenovelas
14. KFC
15. Breaking Bad
16. Quoting Liz Lemon
17. Seluar pallazo
18. Listening to Alanis Morisette while working
19. Surah Al-Adiyat
20. Stephen King
21. Books that are not about kahwin paksa atau kahwin vampire
22. Jane Austen
23. Cats
24. People who do not annoy me
25. Men being nice because they're nice, not because they want something
26. Cheap clothes
27. Cheap anything
28. Jason Bateman
29. Prague
30. People who look at me when I'm talking and not focusing on their gadget.
31. Talk politics with people who studies politics
32. Not talking about politics with idiots
33. Shah Alam at 2am
34. Gangster movies
35. Masak lemak labu

Assholes 101 - Part I: Impatient drivers

From this day onwards, I will try to make one special segment called "Assholes 101", speaking to you all about the people that annoy the crap out of me.

And oh yes, though I did say that I will try to be a good human being that doesn't swear a lot and using the F-word, C-word, B-word (I don't even know why the B-word is considered a bad word. Just don't eat it, you don't need to cuss it) and the whole alphabetical.... thing... word... (huh?).
But if there are words that I will never promise not to use, they would be:

a. Asshole
b. Douchebag
c. Incomprehensive arse

I love those words. Fullstop.

But anyway. The first asshole I want to talk about is the kind of assholes that caused this:

No, I don't mean the video guy. I am talking about these:

Might I inform you that the correct lane is the left one...

No, not just the two cars (aku malas nak kaburkan nombor plet diorang). But the whole lot in front and behind them. You see, the Kuala Pilah - Ulu Bendul road is actually what we call jalan kampung. Which also means that it has only two lanes going for two opposite direction. And for people coming from, let's say, Sri Menanti (like moi), we don't have any other road but this one. It's either that, or we have to surrender to a verrry verrry long journey using the other road.

So, it is normal for bad traffic when the festive season arrives. It has been that way for the past, I don't know, 60 years? Let's not rant about what the Negeri Sembilan state government has been doing and just focus on the micro. Us.

People. just. got. to. be. patient. 

The two photos that I took (because we were freaking mad inside the car), depict the cars in the wrong lane - impatient people who are using the opposite lane to cut the existing traffic. What's wrong in this picture is not just the fact that the road only has two lanes and they are simply cutting off the road for the opposite traffic, but they have also obstructed the ambulance, fire truck and the tow truck from coming and going.

Not like they didn't see or hear those nenong nenong sound, which of course indicate that there is trouble in front. Normal people with good hearing and sense would know that the sound and the inevitable red truck with the word BOMBA in lopsided spelling means there is something bad that has been delaying others.

I mean, what is wrong about waiting? I know it has been two hours. But as far as I am concerned, if you are stuck in traffic for more than two hours, all you have to do is just turn back. Or if it doesn't move at all, ask one of your passenger to get out, and try to find what the issue is and find the solution from there onwards. Cutting the line is just asshole-ish (that's not a word), ESPECIALLY when the accident (in this case, involving a white Kelisa, a cement truck and two Aerobacks, resulting in eight injuries and one death) happened BECAUSE one of the car (in this case, allegedly the Kelisa) tried to cut the line and couldn't avoid the incoming truck, causing the truck to lose control and hit the two Aerobacks. 

It's like, you are seeing the consequence of being impatient just in front of you while you are doing the same thing. It's moronic.

Here's the thing. When I told people that I don't want to get a driving license because I don't believe that I will be a good driver, people kept telling me, "Oh no, you need one. All you need is practice. I was bad at first too". But most people are actually bad drivers who cut lines, who would speed up and cut several lanes because they were on the wrong one, and making u-turns at traffic lights. What is the problem of me trying to avoid being a nuisance on the road? I know my full potential and my thought processes. They are not good for the longevity of mankind!!!

There was a comedian who said that people who failed their driving test more than three times should not be given another chance. And somehow I think it's true. I mean, I even believed that drivers should not only take driving license but psychological tests. There are lots of crazy people on the road, I mean like:

1. Women putting make-up while on the road

(Seriously? Your beauty is more important than others' safety?)

2. Line-cutters

(You will not explode into tiny bits even if you wait a little)

3. Signal seniles

(The signal sticks are there for a reason, you know)

4. The cussing crap-asses

(Yes, there are people who drive stupidly, but you don't have to call them by their reproductive system)

...and my most favourite one of all: THE CHALLENGER

Those people who, upon being wronged by another driver, thinks that "Hey, I will now follow you closely and chase your tail and make threatening sounds with my car because in my head that's so intimidating and all."

Forgive and forget, will you? Why would you even want to follow them, make them only the more anxious and cause another accident, o you incomprehensive arse? Stop it. You won't win any Noble Prize in doing so. 

Assholes...

    

Read the accident news -> HERE

I would also like to express my condolences to the family of Allahyarham Rahmat Jamaludin, the man who was victimised by others' lack of tolerance and bad decision, be it the person who made the choice to cut the line that resulted in the accident that took his innocent life, or the other line cutters - who slowed down the rescue team that were trying to save him and his family.

Dan kenapa aku tak suka berjaga malam...

Aku tak berjaga malam.

Maksud aku, aku dah lama tak berjaga malam. Kalau pun nak solat malam (ayat ni bukan ayat cam nak tunjuk alim, sebab God knows how many times niat solat malam dengan actual solat malam tu acually berlaku), usually aku tidur dan bangun semula. Aku tak biar diri sendiri berjaga malam dan tunggu waktunya.

Tapi in Ramadhan, it bound to happen. You can't really sleep. You toss and turn and cuss yourself for accidentally dozing off between Maghrib and Isyak, and cuss the delicious spaghetti meatball you had for iftar that made you sleepy in the first place. So finally you turn on your laptop and you wait.

You wait.

For what? For that one idea to pop up into your head.

Tapi usually you end up staring into nothingness, far beyond the pixels and the screen light that is not good for your eyes, and your mind goes elsewhere.

Then the idea comes. Like a distant voice. A memory. Slowly and quietly, and then turned into this whole visual in front of you. Not actually in front of you, but like it was in your eyes, in your mind's eyes.

Aku tak suka menulis pada waktu tengah malam. Semuanya rasa terlalu real. Menulis pada waktu malam terasa seolah-olah menulis dari memori sendiri rather than something you heard before or a projection of your mind. Words come swiftly. Emotion runs high. Thoughts process.

Menulis "Ilham Aziza" adalah mengingatkan aku tentang zaman persekolahan. Zaman persekolahan aku sangat idealistik. Sangat hitam dan putih. Ini halal dan ini haram. Ini pahala dan ini dosa. Tak sama macam UIA. UIA ajar aku grey area. Tak sama macam kerja di CO. Kerja di CO membuatkan aku terpaksa back to basics.

For those who never heard the story... "Ilham Aziza" merupakan karya yang aku tulis masa berumur 16 tahun. Masa tu SMKAKS punya peraturan sangat ketat to the extent that you can't bring novels in, especially time tu memang cerita semua spesis jiwang karat tahap ajar orang kahwin lari punya level. So you survive with your own entertainment.

"Ilham Aziza" was the entertainment for my friends. It was a love story yang semua orang tahu just dengan baca tajuknya. Tapi Ilham Aziza berakarkan SMKA. Watak Ilham dan Aziza adalah perjalanan hidup aku sebagai budak sekolah agama, yang masuk Universiti Islam dan kemudiannya terperangkap dalam dunia pekerjaan di mana apa yang aku belajar tak penting, tapi apa yang aku dapat dari semua ilmu tu akan jadi taruhannya.

Aku selalu cakap, SMKAKS is the closest to my heart. I spent five years away from home during the most important years of my life dan habiskan di sana. Walaupun ibu bapa aku yang sediakan acuan aku, UIA yang mewarnakan aku dan CO yang membakar aku (to a point kengkadang jadi hangit), SMKAKS yang mould aku. Jadi bila aku kata karya baru aku adalah tribute aku kepada kehidupan di SMKA, it means that it's my heart and soul.

My heart and soul yang dikejutkan dengan suara bacaan Quran, yang menyarung seragam sekolah dengan tudung labuh, anak tudung, setokin, baju dalam, kain dalam, pin peniti, kad matrik, nametag. Yang belajar Bahasa Arab dan Al-Quran & Sunnah, Syariah. Yang solat berjemaah dan pengisian kuliyah maghrib. Yang boleh berdiri depan orang ramai dan bagi tazkirah selama lima minit dengan yakin. Yang hafal Surah Al-Mulk dan ada dalil dalam percakapan. Hati dan jiwa yang tidak tercemar dengan realiti kehidupan.

Aku tak suka berjaga malam.

Berjaga malam buat aku mengenang zaman silam.  

The awkward moment when you have not updated your blog for a month...

Maafkan aku kerana dahlama sangat tak menulis dalam blog. Dah beberapa kali aku cuba nak menulis, tapi disebabkan kerja yang bertimbun, akhirnya aku tinggalkan je. I mean, if your daily life begins with writing and ends with writing, you kinda feel a bit lagging when you have to write something that paid no money.

Anywaysss...

Lots of things happen sementara aku off dari blogging sebulan lebih ni.

1. I went to see NYONYA, the theatre
Pergi pun sebab kitorang dapat potongan 70% from the original price seat belakang VIP. Dinie pulak tak pernah lagi pergi Istana Budaya sebab asyik busy memanjang, so we went to see it. I have to admit that although I really liked the storyline and the interaction between Nyonya dan Tuan (played by Mardiana Alwi and Taiyuddin Bakar) yang filled with innuendos, performance diorang overshadowed by the comic relief yang datang dari Amy Mastura, Farah Fauzana, Misha Omar dan Kiah Propa.

I have to admit, sometimes they brought the laughter to the performance, tapi adakalanya lawak tu berlebihan dan aku rasa macam, if I am a serious theatre-goer who actually paid RM180 (instead of the discount), I would hate this kind of performance and stage production yang ruin the aesthetic of Allahyarham Pak Wisran Hadi's work.But since I paid only RM50, I just let it go.

Oh, and there is also performance dari Anuar Zain. Dua lagu je. And I am not a fan of Anuar Zain anyway, so.... But aku agak trkejutlah dengan the whole screaming and shrieking yang going around the hall bila Anuar turun pentas to greet people. Aku, Mun and Dinie cam... "Really? It's just Anuar Zain for God sake. You can see him having lunch at seksyen 9 Shah Alam any other day."

2. Morsi jatuh
To tell you the truth, I don't really pay much attention to that one particular Arab Spring in Egypt. I mean, if you learn about Egyptian politics, you would know berapa kali Mesir dijajah in the course of its existence. Politik Mesir memang sentiasa berubah. And if you remember what happened with Turkey and Erdogan, this is actually... normal? Should I say normal? I mean, in Middle-Eastern/African sense, not Southeast-Asian/Malaysian sense.

Tapi satu je yang aku sesalkan. Sikap orang Malaysia terhadap Arab Spring. Banyak bisik-bisik dalam FB sana sini cakap pasal the waste of demonstration and public rallies in establishing something. I mean, I am not the kind who speak of change atau penggulingan kerajaan and whatnot, with my passive aggressive attitude. Aku lebih suka look from many sides (although kadang2 aku nampak macam berat sebelah, tapi itu disebabkan some sides don't even give any facts right and speak like emotional morons, excuse mi French). Aku cuma rasa ini cara pemikiran yang sangat negatif.

You can't expect change to work in just a year. It's a continuous process. Sometimes it can't happen in your lifetime, but it doesn't mean you should not be the agent of change. Study your theory of civilisation. Study Francis Fukuyama. Study Malik Bennabi and Ibnu Rushd. Heck, paling tidak pun, read George Orwell's "Nineteen Eighty-four". Rom is not build in a day. This whole "takde apa2 perubahan dari demonstrasi" is in the line of "Buat apa aku nak study beria-ia? Aku memang tak pandai" atau "Ala, dah ada kerja pun dah okay. Bersyukurlah dengan apa yang ada"... which is totally out from ajaran Islam dan merupakan interpretation yang salah tentang "bersyukur".

I mean, kalau Rasulullah dulu kata, "Tak apa la. Bersyukurlah ada pengikut sikit2 kat rumah Arqam bin Abi Al-Arqam ni, tak payahlah kita nak buat open dakwah..." we all be prayin to Latta dan Uzza like the Quraishis right now. Menidakkan such public process adalah seperti menidakkan part and parcel of legitimacy dan governing. It's like saying, "I have a pair of eyes, a nose, a mouth and a pair of ears. I can breathe but I am against heavy breathing", or "I can see but I am against viewing", or "I can speak but I am against stressing my words" or "I can hear but I am against listening."

Yes, you love peace. Everybody loves peace. But name me one effort for peace that bears no casualty. Just one. Of course, things could've gone better, but hey, if the world is that easy to live in, it means that we're all robots.

Again, I am not talking about demonstration di Malaysia. I am just sayin, sesetengah dari kita ni suka nak mengkritik dan mempersenda rather than berusaha melakukan sesuatu.

Suatu masa dulu, aku dan kawan2 menang kat High Court. Masuk Court of Appeal, the judges tolak kemenangan kitorang and kata it was our fault that the business takde lesen eventhough lesen tu kena datang dari induk. So our lawyer tanya, "My clients knew this is wrong so they went to court. So what you're saying is that (I paraphrase), my clients are screwed for following the laws?", and the judge tak cakap apa-apa, which is another slang for, "Yeah they are."

Heck, if I can create public rallies and demonstration just for that ruling, memang dah lama aku buat. Tak semestinya supaya that kind of stupid ruling and stupid Court of Appeal system dibubarkan (I mean, seriously? Aku pergi high court bawak evidences, bawak witnesses, habiskan three days for perbicaraan dan menang atas semua usaha tu, and semua tu musnah with just two hours talk kat Mahkamah Rayuan? What kind of judicial shit is this?), tapi supaya tiga judges bangang tu tahu secara public, broadcasting, narrowcasting dan online, bahawasanya I am not forgiving them sampai ke akhirat esok.

 3. Aku dah siapkan AKN2
Adalah sangat susah untuk siapkan AKN2. Ya, aku tahu dulu aku kata bringing Roul dan Safi back adalah sangat mudah. Tapi bila aku actually have to do it, and fikir dari sudut Safiah dan Roul, aku sedar ia tak semudah itu lagi. I mean, masa mula-mula aku menulis AKU KAN NOVELIS, masa tu umur aku baru 25 going on 26. Sekarang aku dah 30 dan in the course of that five years, a lot of things happened dan dah mengubah cara aku berfikir. Life is not as easy as finding the one and marry him, do this and this to get people to notice you, make this or that business and you will succees.

No, at 30, you kind of understand things like:
1. Bad boys don't change that easily
2. When you hate a guy, you hate a guy. You go, "Oh my Goodness, I F*****G hate him", dan bukan "Eiiii... benci benci benci!".
3. Marriage doesn't mean terus ada anak if you want anak
4. Guys who love you so much don't do things or say things like, "Saya akan buat apa saja untuk awak".
5. Rich guys don't just went somewhere, saw a plain girl and went "I am in love with her". Take Kate Middleton for example. Yes, she was a commoner, but see where her mother sent her to study?

So, yes, I have been more and more skeptical about cara pengolahan novel. While ramai yang kata "Tapi ini novel je" dan "Orang baca novel untuk escape to fantasy world"... aku cam, okay, but then there are a lot of other novels where you can escape to. Why can't I be the place where they learn that instead of escaping their mundane life, they realise that it is not wrong to live a mundane life.

Hidup yang membosankan tu mungkin bosan pada diorang, tapi mungkin drama bagi orang lain yang tengok dari kaca mata luar. I mean, contohnya, aku rasa hidup aku mundane. Tapi ramai member2 aku rasa I have an exciting life of meeting readers and being called a writer. My friend Rabi mungkin rasa hidup dia boring, filled with research and PhD paper, tapi aku rasa hidup dia best dari aku, because she is doing what I always wanted to do but lack of ability/not courageous enough to do so. And you might think every other girl would be jealous of Kate Middleton (aku tatau kenapa tema hari ni mesti Kate Middleton), but not me. I would rather switch places with Rabi, than Kate. Oh the responsibility that girl has to bear on that pretty little shoulder of hers, the constant observation by the public and the paparazzi, the unnecessary haters, the paranoia of making sure your husband is loyal when women threw themselves at him left and right... goodness gracious!

So rather than running away from that life to the world of fantasy where rich guys are hunks with sexual capacity of a Greek god and are madly in love with women with no sense of style, why not emphasise on the great quality of your average joes who work hard, who have a good heart, whose quality is in the eyes of the beholder? Why should I memperhebat lagi lelaki kaya yang dah cukup hebat?

But then again, it's AKN. Aku cuba jugak untuk go against my natural instinct, sebab setiap karakter dah ada basic storyline dan chaacteristics yang aku tak boleh change overnight. Dan readers dah kenal, malah ada yang lebih kenal Roul dan Safi berbanding aku, so kalau aku ubah sifat2 watak dalam AKN, itu macam a kind of disrespect terhadap readers.

Nanti bila editor dah boleh confirm sama ada diorang akan print the story (oh ye, jangan ingat sebab aku dah tulis, it means diorang akan terus print membabi buta... ekekekeke... ye, saya juga ngeri memikirkannyee), aku akan masukkan beberapa chapters dalam page ILHAM Karangkraf, atau dalam blog ni, atau kedua-duanya sekali.

Insyaa-Allah, aku akan cuba jawab few emails dan FB pm, as well as soalan2 dalam blog ni yang masih tak berjawab in a few days. I am so deeply sorry sebab tak dapat reply sekarang, sebab kerja masih bertimbun-timbun mintak disiapkan, sampai banyak benda kat blog ni yang perlu diupdate, tak berapdet2 jugak. I am sooooo sorry. Sorry sorry sorry sorry, naked naked naked naked (lagu Super Junior versi belasah)

When you give him heart

Masa aku nak start tulis kisah Wulan dalam 3HATI, I talked to some of my friends.... my (oh my God I can't believe I'm saying this) 'player' friends... just to get the general ideas about their life, things they do, stuff they say, their inner thoughts, etc.

And when A (bukan nama sebenar... nama sebenar dia Adrian, ahahahahah... macam pointless je letak initial ala mysterious) asked me how I am going to end the story, and I told him, he said, "That won't cut it la, Syahida."

"Eh, kenapa pulak tak?"

"Girls loves players. That won't cut it."

"They do. But then they learn their lesson."

"No, they don't. You did. But most of them don't."

And then he proceed talking about how I write Neal in my book, saying that I am processing the character too much, giving him heart and all that.

"Chick digs that," he said (he didn't say 'dig', I was just trying to sound all American and cool in this post... did I succeed?)

"Of course la," aku kata. "Chick loves tragic bad guys with backstories. That's what Neal akan kata dalam cerita ni. Dia akan explain teori tu, how chicks are so easily swayed by back stories of how a bad boy becomes bad boy, and how he used that to reel them in."

"Tapi kalau you memang nak tulis pasal bad boy gone good, they will forget the fact about him being bad and would want the guy to win in the end. Chick loves bad boys learning how to love mahh. That's how players breathe and survive the game."

Aku kata ini just novel, and people will get it. People will get why Wulan did what she did.

Tapi kata A (memang nama sebenar), "What you did was reality, Syahida. But people tak suka reality. Diorang nak fantasy. Kau burukkanlah macam mana pun, in the end, they will want the guy to succeed. Sebab dalam dunia fantasy, semua orang deserves a second chance and people who don't give them are twats." (his words, not mine).

Aku kata tak. Pembaca dah matang. Dia orang dah tau read between the lines. That's why Cecelia Ahern works. Cecelia tak pernah spoon-feed her readers. She makes them think. "PS I Love You" tak end with watak utama finding someone new to replace her husband. She found herself and the rest is just readers concluding her happily ever-afters for her. "If You Could See Me Now" tak end up with Ivan turning human. It ends with Elizabeth finding herself, and again, readers conclude her happily ever-afters for her. Dalam "The Time of My Life", Lucy memang end up with that carpet guy, tapi that's not the main point of the story. The carpet guy is just one of the crossroads in her finding herself. Every single novel written by Ahern is a self-reflecting journey. Kalau pembaca Ahern boleh faham itu, maksudnya people can understand Wulan. Wulan is not as complex a character like Lucy or Elizabeth or Holly, but she is also finding herself. These people who came into her life, Neal, Henry, Joy, even James... is the crossroads. 

And A answered something like this, "Nope. Girls love badboys. I cakap ni based on experience. You give him heart and they will pity him. They will want his happily ever-afters and disregard Wulan's. They will think it's Wulan's happiness too, instead of realising that it will only break her in the end. If you give her independence, you can't give him heart. It will backfire."

Aku tak dengar cakap Adrian. Dia bukan novelis. He was only speaking from an ex-player's standpoint. 

But sometimes, I wish I did listen to him.

Seorang novelis dan seorang wanita bernama Safiah (amaran: takde kaitan dengan AKN whatsoever)

Mari aku bercerita tentang sesuatu yang berlaku di PWTC.

Takyah serius sangat, cerita takdelah macam membuka minda dan mengubah persepsi dunia ke ape ke. Just cerita aku.

Aku seorang novelis. Dan itu bermakna, apabila buku aku keluar pada sekian2 tahun, aku akan menghadiri Pesta Buku Antarabangsa untuk sesi tandatangan dan bertemu pembaca. (Member aku kata, "Pehh, hipster sangatlah ko, tanak panggil "peminat" as "peminat", panggil "reader".... jawapannya ialah kerana, orang baca buku aku tak semestinya minat aku. Toksah perasan.)

Jadi sebagai seorang seorang penulis, aku suka waktu bertemu pembaca. Bukan sebab aku rasa macam dihargai (okay, fine, ada la rasa sikit, tapi kena tahan, kalau tak jadi riak nanti, rezeki tak berkat), tapi sebab aku suka bila orang datang dan beritahu aku apa yang mereka suka baca dan macam mana certain2 things yang aku tulis tu bagi impact kepada diorang. Tak semestinya diorang suka cerita tu as a whole. Itu tak penting bagi aku. Yang paling penting ialah that certain parts in the book that they took to their heart, that uplift their spirit, or made them realise about things, and all that. Pada aku itu bonus. Itu yang membuatkan ko rasa bersyukur, walaupun buku ko tak laris. Aku rasa itu juga perasaan seorang guru, bila anak muridnya yang dah dewasa datang dan beritahu dia, "Cikgu, saya ingat lagi masa cikgu kata...."

Banyak yang aku cuba perbaiki bila aku di Pesta Buku. Contohnya, kebolehan aku berkomunikasi. Aku sangat suck in communicating with people. I hate small talks like asking "Where you're from?", "What's your occupation?" dan semua2 tu. Kalau ikut diri aku sebenar, I would cut to the chase and ask the big questions, like, "What do you think of death?"... tapi nanti orang ingat aku tak normal pulak, susah.

Tapi ada satu yang paling aku harap aku tak buat: TAK MELAYAN ORANG.

Aku harap aku dapat beri perhatian pada semua orang equally. It's hard, considering we as human being have different brainwaves. Ada yang bila jumpa aku akan terus berbual dengan aku macam kawan. Ada juga yang pandang aku dengan awe, terus pandang aku dengan awe sementara aku sign buku dan lepas tu pandang aku dengan awe sambil mintak nak bergambar sama2. (we all do that sometimes. I never did, but I won't know how I would react if I came across Stephen King).

Tapi senang kata, kalau boleh aku nak berbual dengan semua orang dan dengar pendapat semua orang yang datang jumpa aku.

Tapi 4 Mei lepas, ramaaaai gileeee orang kat PWTC. Nak berbual panjang pun tak dapat sebab ada pada satu2 masa tu, orang datang dengan ramai sangat2. Ada seorang akak ni. Aku ingat nama dia.

Kak Safiah. (atau ejaan nama dia Safiyah kot, yang tu aku tak berapa nak ingat).

Kak Safiah datang minta tandatangan buku. Lepas tu dia beritahu aku yang dia dah baca semua buku-buku yang aku tulis. Tapi entah kenapa, masa tu otak aku blank. Aku ada banyak soalan, Paling suka yang mana? Apa pendapat akak? etc etc etc... Tapi  entah kenapa masa tu aku just pandang dia, ucap terima kasih dan went, "Aaaahhh..."

Aku nak sambung tanya soalan, tapi disebabkan bunyi bingit dari bebudak promo kat PA System, aku tak dapat nak sampaikan apa soalan aku. And Zara Amani kat sebelah aku tarik lengan baju aku. Aku pandang si Zara Amani.

"Kak, cepat sign buku!" katanya, menghulur 3 HATI yang dia dah sign pada aku. Depan Zara Amani, ada beberapa orang tengah tunggu aku sign.

Tanpa cakap "excuse me" atau minta Kak Safiah tunggu (sebab otak aku serabut dengan bunyi bingit masa tu), aku terus sign buku tu. Aku ingat nak sambung balik berbual dengan Kak Safiah, tapi pemilik buku 3 HATI yang baru ditandatangan tu mintak ambil gambar. Jadi aku pun akur dan terus bergambar.

Bila aku pusing balik, Kak Safiah dah tak ada. Aku tak sempat pun nak bagi dia button badge 3 HATI.

It's normal that sometimes you are not able to cater to everybody. It is. You can't help it. Most famous writers would not think about that at all, as it would just hinder their other readers. Tapi aku tak boleh lupa the fact that Kak Safiah tu hilang bila aku pusing. Aku yakin dia pun tak kisah dan faham keserabutan aku masa tu, tapi itu tak bermakna aku boleh let that go. I can't let go the fact that a person said something good about my books and I wasn't able to react and didn't get to talk to them properly.

Why can't I let go?

Let me tell you why.

I am the second child. Aku ada kakak dan dua orang adik lelaki. My sister was loved so much because she was the first born ever in our big family. My brother was loved so much because after three girls (my sister, me and my cousin Nana), he was the first boy. My youngest brother was loved so much because he's the youngest in the family, bukan sahaja dalam keluarga aku, tapi sebagai waris keturunan.

As a second born, I was "nothing new". Aku bukanlah nak kata mak dengan bapak aku tak sayang aku, tapi I was a "been there done that". I'm not the eldest, not the first of my sex and not the youngest. I was Malcolm in the Middle. So for all my life, I strive to get noticed. I strive to be noticed in the family and I notice everybody because I know how suck it is when you're invisible to other people. I try my best to please and making sure people don't hate me. Kawan-kawan aku kata aku perlu let go dan aku tak boleh harap semua orang akan jaga hati aku macam aku jaga hati diorang, tapi it's not something that I can control.

Even kat FB pun, aku ambil masa yang lama untuk belajar bahawasanya ada masanya aku tak dapat nak jawab semua PM atau balas semua komen, and kena belajar untuk accept bahawasanya my readers will understand if I didn't, and if they don't, I just have to accept it too.

Bila Kak Safiah pergi dan aku tak sempat nak salam pun, aku rasa macam it's a big deal. I don't want to be that person yang ignore people. I cherish every single people who came to see me when I get to see them, and aku rasa rimas dan tak selesa dalam hati bila aku tak berjaya jadi apa yang aku nak. Walaupun cuma dengan seorang. Walaupun cuma dengan Kak Safiah.

Anyway, kalau Kak Safiah membaca entry blog ni somehow atau ada kenalannya yang membaca entry ni, saya nak kata yang saya minta maaf sebab tak berjaya meluangkan masa berbual dengan akak macam akak luangkan masa membaca tulisan saya, and I hope that we can meet again next time...

The same goes for all my constant readers. I love y'all (baca dengan suara Britney Spears).

That small old man...

Did I ever tell you the story of my father? I think I told the story far too many times, but what the heck...

My father, like most men born in the 40s and grew up in the 50s, were not a religious man. When he was studying in Indonesia, he was not serious about his deen. Everybody who knew him at the time will remember that he once said, "Aku akan berubah bila Sungai Ciliwung bersih"...

(Which is like saying, I will change when Sungai Klang is clean, which is a no-brainer).

But one day, when he returned from Indonesia and was repairing a television without switching the electricity off, he got electrically shocked. He fell down and fainted. After a while, he woke up and told my mother, "Tuhan masih sayangkan aku."

He changed from then on. He started going to usrahs, learn more about the religion and never once forgot to do his tahajjuds. He began befriended pious people, which include Haji Kamarudin and Pak Cik Syafril. He also started to read books and listens to sermons made by this one ustaz, at that time already known as Tuan Guru Nik Abdul Aziz. The man had already become a politician at the time, but not yet a Kelantan CM. At the time, Kelantan was still under the rule of Barisan Nasional.

So as it is, the first politician that I ever knew was TGNA, not Mahathir, Anwar Ibrahim nor Najib Razak. Not just as a politician, but as a teacher, a Muslim icon and the man who had an influence on my father's change. He was a small man, just like my father. I liked him almost instantly.

I was taught about patience from watching him - he was mocked, ridiculed, being called so many names, challenged, by those who hated him. And yet he persevered. He kept on going. No matter what people say, he continued on and said that it would be shameful for him to stop and fall victim by others' words, when the Prophet Muhammad himself was bashed with stones by people who hated him.

I learned that life is not simple, watching how he continuously being misunderstood, his words being twisted and turned to make him look like a crazy old Kaum Tua man who babbles on and on about things. But he didn't stop from expressing his ideas, accepting if he was wrong and stressing if he knew he was right.

I learned that he is also just a man, that sometimes can't help but feel hurt by the words of others. But that's the way it is. If it was too easy, then the world will not teach you anything and that you will be living in such a dreary life with no lessons learned.

And respecting him as a leader once upon a time caused me much misery too. Friends called me "traitor" and asked me to leave the country if I hate it so much, when I did was only stating that I  hoped to see what TGNA wanted to see in future.

He is old now and it's time to let him rest a bit. He may not be able to get to see and to govern in an Islamic state like he always wanted, but more or less, his hopes of seeing more ulama' being respected, more Islamic education, more people covering their aurah, have been realised. And I hope that even though that I will never be able to be one of the executors of his vision, I would be one of the people who will get to support and see it being realised.

Inshaa-Allah.

 
"Betul, Allah itu Maha Mengetahui. Tapi bukankah molek kalau kita luahkan permintaan dan aduan kita kepadaNya? Sebenarnya Allah Maha Mengetahui diri kita lebih daripada diri kita sendiri. Tapi Allah nak dengar daripada mulut kita sendiri. Allah nak tengok bibir kita digerak-gerakkan untuk meminta padaNya. Allah sebenarnya nak dnegar suara kita." - TGNA, BICARA INI DEMI ILAHI.

And why you should never forgive a bad judge

Life is really weird.

Just when you thought that everything is going to be okay, that life has become much easier, a tornado hits again. And you sat there thinking what did I do to deserve this?

But I am sick of asking myself what did I do to deserve this. As much as I hate to be burdened by problems, I find that life would be better if we don't ask questions.

For example, God has granted us the victory in our case. But the happiness did not last long. We are living in the world where it's people who make the rules instead. Imagine if you're in my place. You have been cheated by a company that uses the religion for worldly gain. You bought something from them and it turns out that they are managing their company on faux pas. Illegal. So you turned to the judicial system - the place where the rules are kept. You followed the law because you want to start your business the right way.

So then you went on trial for three days. Witnesses were called. The defendants were so bad, and heck, if you can see how shit they are on the stand, you would laugh and would not send your kids to their pre-school. They were hypocrites of the acutest kind. They deny everything. We won because we told the truth. It took three days for the judge, a female judge if I may say, to understand the case.

But they were not satisfied. When we refused to take the RM20,000 bribe (they call it 'settle outside court', I'll call it bribe... kepala hotak kau dah kalah baru nak try settle outside court), they went to the Court of Appeal. They debated the case for two hours in front of three judges. Two of the judges think that we were right. But the head judge failed to listen. Despite our lawyer's many evidences, he kept on turning to just one act in the agreement. Act 13.8. Instead, he blamed the ministry man (who told us earlier that we should not continue operating our business because the parent company is operating illegally) , saying that the ministry guy gave us the wrong facts. It's as if he's saying that "You're screwed for following the law". Yes. A judge. A head judge. And so the other two just followed suit. Heck, who would go against the head judge, eyh?

The Court of Appeal went on for two hours. Imagine. Only two hours, not three days, like it was the first time. And in those two hours, the three abominable judges ruled that the other party won. The other party won, despite the fact that they were operating a business illegally, the fact that they did not have any proof against us, the fact that we have won a case that have been on trial for three days, the fact that none of the questions our lawyer asked them were answered truthfully and they were lying under oath. Two hours. Only two hours to take it all away.

And it took me only an hour to not trust the judicial system anymore, at least not the judges. I will never forgive them. They will be hold accountable, in the court of Allah. Not just for me, but for the injustice they have burdened upon my friend Nadiah and her two growing kids, to my friend Munira who has been working non-stop just to support the case, to my friend Fatimah who just recently gave birth and needed money more than ever, and to my old parents. I should have been the daughter who took care of them and yet I couldn't give them as much as they deserved because the three judges could not take more time to understand deeply what they were presented with and because a company cheated our money and felt that they will never be held accountable for anything.

But in spite of all that, I think the whole experience has taught me to be harder, colder, tougher, more than ever towards human being in general. It taught me that in my life, I am my only captain in the rough sea in my journey to the Afterlife.

But it also taught me that I will never be able to put my trust in anything other than God (especially not to a judge). And I believe that He is the best of judge. My predicament may be smaller than others. I mean, this is nothing compared to what my fellow Palestinians and Syrians face each day. Not a day gone by that I don't give thanks for the peace that I have, the dreams that were realised, the problems that made me realise how small I am in this world. And I am thankful that I am always reminded of who I am when too many of us forget easily.

And I pray for a stronger self. A good health. A peace of mind. And that one day when I'm gone, I will not leave my burden of debt behind, to myself, to my parents, to my society and to Him.

God is Great.

My life has never been simple. If it is, it's not mine.

"I had no idea that a court of appeal can reverse a judgment by completely ignoring the evidence and findings of the High Court. What kind of an appeal process is this exactly - when all it does is ignores the facts? If it practices ignorance, then it's quite obvious that it's going to come to a different conclusion." - Daniel Collin Lazaroo

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