Butterflies and Hurricanes

Do you know how it feels like to be able to fly?
I do.

After three years of that numbing pain in that small place inside my heart that I was never able to heal...

Here is a story of a brokenhearted girl, who wanted to move on with her life after being stuck in a rotting senseless cycle of betrayal and misunderstandings. So she and her best friends, that have been with her since she was seven, since she was thirteen, since she was sixteen decided to start anew. An independent business. A dream they had when they were just teenagers dreaming of life while waiting for Isya' prayer in the musolla somewhere in Kuala Selangor.

So they opened a kindergarten, through a franchise that was offered to them. But as soon as they have spent thousands of dollars they barely have, they found out that the business had to shut down. The people that sold them the business had a problem they did not want to address and we had a problem that they preferred to ignore........................

We were jobless. Penniless. And Nad was pregnant at the time.

Have you ever been in a situation where you have no where to turn to? You wake up one day and feel that your life is going nowhere and that in the words of Keane, "Everybody's changing and I am still the same?"

Be thankful because you are still the same.

But not us at the time. Not me.

Have you ever worked the whole month just to see all of the money - ALL OF IT - went to pay a rental of a place you are not using?
Have you ever travel with only RM5 in your wallet, not just for the day, but for the rest of the month?
Have you ever felt that small heart attack when your phone rings and it was someone asking you to pay the bills when you know you have no money at all, not even a cent?
Have you ever tried going to someone's office and demand a meeting with them, only to have them make you wait for ages and then tell you that they don't give a damn?
Have you ever received guests in front of your house that want you to pay your debt then and there?
Have you ever been told that your company account have been blacklisted from a bank?
Have you ever been blacklisted from a bank and then being blacklisted by PTPTN all in the same week?
Have you ever had to look your parents in the eyes and feel useless?
Have you ever suffered all of this while the person/people that caused all of that just happily using your money for their own benefits, and even open the same business at the same location that you have chosen but failed to open due to their mistakes?
Have you ever had the difficulty to breathe, that every single day you feel like Sisyphus, rolling a huge rock up the mountain just to see it roll down again?
Have you ever had to experience all of that while other people move on with their life, getting married, having kids, buying houses, taking trips overseas?
Have you ever read their Facebook status, whining about trivial things that you just wanna slap their faces for being such an ungrateful human being?
Have you ever had to get a lawyer and then realised the irony, that while everybody else have husband and kids, you have a lawyer?
Have you ever been rejected by a lawyer who didn't even read your case and tell you to just forget about it and forget about the money and the effort you have made?
Have you ever - after two years, had to compile all documents and open the can of worms again and write a letter of demand?
Have you ever spent days upon days with one lawyer to another and repeat the same story over and over again?
Have you ever received a counterclaim and saw the huge amount of ridiculous demands they have upon you?
Have you ever had to go to court? Listen to these people talking shit about you and refused to acknowledge their faults in front of the judge?
Have you ever had to wait for two months, not knowing whether your effort for those three years will be a success or you will lose a case, which means that you will add more debt?

My friends and I have.

But it is also a blessing in disguise, because these three years taught me a valuable lesson. It taught me who my friends are. I learned to be thankful to be born a Muslim - where suicide is never a choice. The more pain I felt, the closer I feel to Him. Some friends joked that I have become more philosophical about my belief since this happened. But it is true. I used to be blessed with a lot of things, but I was not grateful for it.

I forgot that He gave me everything I asked for. A career as a writer. A family that understand. Best friends that I can actually call best friends.

That three years was the worst time of my life. But it was also an eye-opener.

Do you know how it feels like to be able to fly?
I do, when we won this case.

I was jumpy all morning and every time my phone rang, I felt a tiny heart attack. As soon as Miss Shirin called me and said that we won, everything becomes a blur. I felt lighter, like a giant anchor had just been lifted. I called Mun and told her, and I can hear the heavy sigh leaving her mouth. I called Nad, and I can feel the tiny wildfire of joy in her voice that she tried not to let out. I called Tim, and I can almost hear all the worries inside of her left her body.

If this was a movie, I would have been jumping up and down, screaming on top of my lungs.
But the first thing I did? I went to the internet and googled "CARA SUJUD SYUKUR YANG BETUL". And I did that for I don't know how long. I have a headache right at this moment. I think that was because I was prostrating and crying at the same time.

I will never forget every single person that have been supporting us through and through. Mum and her constant prayers, my dad that always pretended that everything is fine, kaklong that have been the "unofficial lawyer" who advised us and even came to the trial with us, Dinie that have been listening to all my problems when I needed an outside ear, Chaq that kept pushing me to let her cover the story, my relatives that have been my rock, my wall, my everything, friends and readers that have constantly been supporting me even though they have no clue what was actually going on, En. Sukari who was adamant to say nothing but the truth, Puan Jalilah that has helped us from day one...

And of course, our beloved lawyers (have you ever heard that term? "Beloved lawyers"...)
Mr. Alvin, the one who listens when other lawyers turned us away
Mr. Karamjit, whose words of encouragement have always made us feel secure. Seriously, every time he said "That's ok. No worries," I felt like truly, everything's going to be fine.
Ms. Shirin, that have been spending every waking hours working on our case, even called Mun at 5am to prepare for the trial. The one I will always remember as "the messenger of good news"
Ms. Intan, who assisted us throughout the case, teaching us things like what is a bailiff, what is an interpreter, what is an "exhibit", always with a smile on her face.

Yes, we won our case. It still feels like a dream. Alhamdulillah. God is Great.
God is Great.
God is Great.

P.s.  One of these days I am sooo gonna drop by the firm and take pictures with everybody.