And why you should never forgive a bad judge

Life is really weird.

Just when you thought that everything is going to be okay, that life has become much easier, a tornado hits again. And you sat there thinking what did I do to deserve this?

But I am sick of asking myself what did I do to deserve this. As much as I hate to be burdened by problems, I find that life would be better if we don't ask questions.

For example, God has granted us the victory in our case. But the happiness did not last long. We are living in the world where it's people who make the rules instead. Imagine if you're in my place. You have been cheated by a company that uses the religion for worldly gain. You bought something from them and it turns out that they are managing their company on faux pas. Illegal. So you turned to the judicial system - the place where the rules are kept. You followed the law because you want to start your business the right way.

So then you went on trial for three days. Witnesses were called. The defendants were so bad, and heck, if you can see how shit they are on the stand, you would laugh and would not send your kids to their pre-school. They were hypocrites of the acutest kind. They deny everything. We won because we told the truth. It took three days for the judge, a female judge if I may say, to understand the case.

But they were not satisfied. When we refused to take the RM20,000 bribe (they call it 'settle outside court', I'll call it bribe... kepala hotak kau dah kalah baru nak try settle outside court), they went to the Court of Appeal. They debated the case for two hours in front of three judges. Two of the judges think that we were right. But the head judge failed to listen. Despite our lawyer's many evidences, he kept on turning to just one act in the agreement. Act 13.8. Instead, he blamed the ministry man (who told us earlier that we should not continue operating our business because the parent company is operating illegally) , saying that the ministry guy gave us the wrong facts. It's as if he's saying that "You're screwed for following the law". Yes. A judge. A head judge. And so the other two just followed suit. Heck, who would go against the head judge, eyh?

The Court of Appeal went on for two hours. Imagine. Only two hours, not three days, like it was the first time. And in those two hours, the three abominable judges ruled that the other party won. The other party won, despite the fact that they were operating a business illegally, the fact that they did not have any proof against us, the fact that we have won a case that have been on trial for three days, the fact that none of the questions our lawyer asked them were answered truthfully and they were lying under oath. Two hours. Only two hours to take it all away.

And it took me only an hour to not trust the judicial system anymore, at least not the judges. I will never forgive them. They will be hold accountable, in the court of Allah. Not just for me, but for the injustice they have burdened upon my friend Nadiah and her two growing kids, to my friend Munira who has been working non-stop just to support the case, to my friend Fatimah who just recently gave birth and needed money more than ever, and to my old parents. I should have been the daughter who took care of them and yet I couldn't give them as much as they deserved because the three judges could not take more time to understand deeply what they were presented with and because a company cheated our money and felt that they will never be held accountable for anything.

But in spite of all that, I think the whole experience has taught me to be harder, colder, tougher, more than ever towards human being in general. It taught me that in my life, I am my only captain in the rough sea in my journey to the Afterlife.

But it also taught me that I will never be able to put my trust in anything other than God (especially not to a judge). And I believe that He is the best of judge. My predicament may be smaller than others. I mean, this is nothing compared to what my fellow Palestinians and Syrians face each day. Not a day gone by that I don't give thanks for the peace that I have, the dreams that were realised, the problems that made me realise how small I am in this world. And I am thankful that I am always reminded of who I am when too many of us forget easily.

And I pray for a stronger self. A good health. A peace of mind. And that one day when I'm gone, I will not leave my burden of debt behind, to myself, to my parents, to my society and to Him.

God is Great.

My life has never been simple. If it is, it's not mine.

"I had no idea that a court of appeal can reverse a judgment by completely ignoring the evidence and findings of the High Court. What kind of an appeal process is this exactly - when all it does is ignores the facts? If it practices ignorance, then it's quite obvious that it's going to come to a different conclusion." - Daniel Collin Lazaroo

.

Of writing love

The older you get, the more you want to write about the reality of things, the "what is" rather than "what could/should be". And with rom-com being the choice of many readers nowadays, one cannot shed one's writing from trying the same type of plotline - berjumpa, bergaduh, jatuh cinta.

Bertemu-bergaduh-jatuh cinta is the easiest thing there is for anybody to write. I can create ten books in a year if that's the only thing I have to write. Tapi kalau aku kembali ke realiti sebenar kehidupan: You will never want to be with someone you fight and hate.

Have you heard the theory about a stalker and a romantic?

If a guy you kinda like calls you all the time, sends you messages, follows you around - you call them a romantic.
If a guy you hate calls you all the time, sends you messages, follows you around - you call them a stalker.

But if you shed away your feelings of love and hatred, the acts are the same. It's not what the guy does. it's what you feel in the first place that gave them the label.

That is the rule. But there is an exception to the rule - If you somehow falls in love after loathing that person.

But after 6 years of being a novelist, I find writing such scenes tedious. It's like writer's death. In my real life, I am not an exception to the rule. I find that I am still not interested with the guy who has been trying to approach me for five years now. And guys I fight with? I seriously hate them. There is no that gaduh2 manja kind of thing. When I fight, I fight hard and we all hate each other for it. The kind of man I like are usually the ones that I have known for such a long time, and even that is rare.

(And when I said "kind of man I like", this does not mean they like me back, because my life is not that damn easy. Hahaha)

In my books, I wanted to write a little piece of me. But it's hard to write stories of my life, because the stories of my life have no hero to save the day, no huge success to call my own, no a-ha moment where you feel like, "Shit, I frikken love my life!". It has its ups and downs, but mediocre at its best.

But people would not want to read a story where there is no hero to save the day. I mean, you can write those kind of books in the UK or US, where feminism calls for women to stand up on their two feet. Living in Malaysia, I find that women love the notion of being saved. It doesn't matter if they save their life themselves - without a hero, people would not like to read it.

I wrote a little piece of me in Zulaikha - a studious Political Science student. I could have made her like me totally, but nobody would want to read a book about a Political Science student who spends all her time studying and sleeping.

I wrote a little piece of me in Balkis - Sarcastic chubby girl with no style who finds that she has nothing great. I still have that feeling of being that girl sometimes, especially after eating after 10pm.

I wrote a little piece of me in Safiah - A novelist who spends her time listening to other people's problems. However, in my real life, I usually remove and block stalking guys ala Roul.

I wrote a piece of me in Mariyyah - someone who can't get over things as quickly as everybody else. A lot of people hated Mariyyah for not being able to move on for three years. Well, I was that kind of person, if you want to know.

I wrote a piece of me in Wulan - a woman who finds that she can live her life on her own. But of course, in this country, women find that other women who can live on their own (doesn't mean she hates men, just that actually living alone as a choice, not as some kind of feminism disease) to be sad people that have no love life.

Here are the realities of things, readers. Sometimes you are alone because you have no luck in love, but sometimes you are alone because you chose to be. Sometimes you're married because of love and sometimes you are married because you're scared that you'll be too old and alone. Sometimes you chose a man because of his traits, sometimes because of his looks, sometimes because you just fell inexplicably in love with them and sometimes because you were just being spiteful to another man who rejected you. Sometimes you marry early and stays with each other forever, and sometimes divorce happen. Sometimes you sacrifice for love but love doesn't come your way and sometimes you cheated on love but it keeps on coming for you.

What you think now, what you aspire about love and relationship now may change in few years time. I was a girl who used to find love annoying when I was a kid. Then I saw it as something inspiring when I was a teenager. In my early 20s, I find love to be selective. In my mid 20s, I find love to be political. In my working era, love is ridiculous. And in my late 20s, love to be something so precious that it does not knock on your heart as easily at the sight of the most perfect man you've ever met.

I hope to be able to write these for my readers, so that as the definition of love grows and varies for me, it grows and varies for others too. And that while there are happily ever afters, we all learn that it comes in many forms - and that everybody can learn to cherish the many forms of love God has given us.

Just doing my thing

I think I would like to adopt that school of thought. Of just doing my thing. Whatever the hell is the trend nowadays, whatever it is that people love to read these days, whatever the subject matter that mattered currently, I am just gonna do my thing.

"You should write stories about married life. It's the trend nowadays."
Nope. I will just do my thing.

"You should try e-book or e-novel..."
Nope. I will just do my thing.

"Don't you think this whole thing is a mess?"
I don't know. I just wanna do my thing.

"Indie. That's the way to go."
Thanks, but I'll just do my thing.

"Try literature. Write for Dewan Bahasa for example."
I'll just do my thing.

This is not me not being ambitious. But yesterday, as I was trying to write, albeit frustratingly with all the other stuff - like the situation with the community nowadays, with people keep saying that this book is better than that book or this theme is better than that theme, and that I should do this kind of project or that kind of project, while people around going "Malay books are shit", "I only read indie books", "Love stories are crap, thriller is the coolest", "I can't understand her mundane writing..."... - I realised that I wanted to return to who I was in 2007, when I was writing PLAIN JANE - a story about mediocrity.

Back then, there was no 'who writes better and who gets the most royalty'. Everybody's the same. We applaud those who got it good and in return, they advertise our books for us. I was "that writer who writes about normal things and normal situations". We were writers, not celebrities. There were only few of us and we keep it tight.

The first few writers that I met was Kak Shahriah Abdullah, Kak Dyza Ainun, Kak Ramlah Rashid, Kak Kamsiah Abu, Kak Siti Rosmizah, Kak Indah Hairani, Kak Ebriza Aminuddin, back when Buku Prima was an unknown entity and people go "Buku Prima? You mean Media Prima?" when you said that you write for Buku Prima.

But I liked it then. I was one of the younger writers. And we all just "doing our thing". We were not competing to write faster so that we can get in line and our book can be published that year or squeezing our brains off to write what people want so that we can be a bestseller. Our readers are people who love what we wrote from our hearts, not what we wrote for the sake of them.

I love those days and I want to return to those days.

I wanna just do my thing.

Nak letak gambar ramai2 tapi ada yang masih belum bertudung masa tu...

SA1235am

syaitan itu adalah
hasutan
rasa tidak sabar
kemarahan
curiga
kebencian
perli-memerli
kutukan belakang-belakang
pujian depan-depan
gah dengan harta
menjadikan diri mangsa keadaan
meminta simpati yang berlebihan
tidak memahami
tidak menjelaskan
terlalu banyak yang diharamkan
terlalu banyak juga yang dihalalkan

syaitan itu
adalah yang memiliki semuanya
dan bangga memilikinya
"Aku saja yang jahat,
jangan dekat"
"Dia budak baik,
tapi aku cemarkan dengan aktiviti yang sia-sia"

syaitan itu
adalah aku yang tidak dapat mengubah apa-apa maka membiarkan semuanya dan memilih untuk duduk di atas pagar dan meraikan kejahilan sendiri kerana menganggap usaha itu hanya patut dilakukan oleh orang yang mulia tanpa ingin diri sendiri menjadi sebahagian daripadanya.

Shah Alam
12.35am

The very many faces of Phibun

If you're a constant reader of my blog, you would know that I used to have a blue-eyed Snowshoe buddy (tak beli, his mum was a local typical cat... must've had a Snowshoe dad, I guess) called Phibun. It had been with me since 2008, one of the worst years of my life and had been the most loyal (not so much as 'loyal'... more like co-dependent) thing ever. I took care of it since it was just a teeny tiny little tot. It died last year on this day due to jaundice. I never mentioned him ever again after his death, 'cause I thought talking about him makes me sad. It still makes me sad, even today.

You think, "Come on now. It's just a cat."

But to tell you the truth, this sarcastic-looking thing has been with me through the thickest of the thins. Was there when I broke down circa 2009-2010 and was there when I picked up the pieces in 2011. One day I hope I will get to see him again. Insha-Allah :)

In memory of Phibun Songkram August 2008 - 15 March 2012

  

Alkisah Liza Nur, Nurul Syahida & Zara Amani

Masa tu tahun 2010. Berborak-borak dengan si Zara Amani di Yahoo Chat (masa zaman Yahoo Chat masih lagi relevan dan dunia belum lagi ditakluki Mark Zuckerberg). Membebel tentang isu hidup yang entah apa-apa. Tahap bebelan yang agak kronik apatah lagi di kala itu aku masih lagi stressed out dengan kes mahkamah.

Aku kata yang aku pernah terfikir nak bekerjasama dengan orang lain dan hasilkan novel sama-sama tapi setiap kali aku cadagkan kat kawan-kawan, dia orang "Ha"-kan je tapi in the end projek entah ke mana.

"Jom?" ajak si Zara Amani, yang ketika itu baru keluar novel pertama.
"Jom ajak Kak Liza sekali!" ujar Zara Amani lagi. Masa tu aku dan Liza Nur belum pernah berjumpa lagi. Aku tahu buku-bukunya tapi aku tak pernah tengok orangnya. Aku cuma kenal dia melalui gambar-gambar yang orang lain post di Facebook.

Sebelum kehadiran Zara Amani dan Liza Nur, aku macam penulis solo yang walk the earth alone. Geng aku masa tu, Kak Siti (Rosmizah) dah buka publishing house sendiri dan tak lagi bergerak bersama Buku Prima. Bukanlah aku tak rapat dengan penulis lain. Aku rapat jugak dengan para penulis lain, macam (Siti Nur) Dhuha, Kak Sha(hriah Abdullah), Kak Liza (Nazihatul Hanan), Kak Ilah (Ramlah Rashid) dan Cik Ebi (Ebriza Aminudin), tapi taklah sampai call dan borak entah apa-apa sampai pukul lima pagi. Biasanya kalau aku ke majlis-majlis Buku Prima, aku suka berbual dengan para editor dan learn a few things or two about the stuff behind the scenes.

Tapi pada bulan Jun 2010, aku pergi Pesta Buku Selangor. Masa tu AKU KAN NOVELIS masih lagi panas di pasaran. Kat situ aku berkenalan dengan si Zara Amani. Cakaaaaaaaaap tak berhenti-henti. The thing is, sebagai orang yang introverted, aku lebih prefer orang yang bercakap tak berhenti-henti. Tanya kawan aku si Iza. Aku berkawan dengan dia sebab dia boleh bercakap lima enam topik non-stop. It's easier to be friends with these talkative people, because it made it easier for me not to be awkward dan mencari-cari benda nak diperkatakan.

Zara Amani, on the other hand, start rapat dengan Liza Nur bila diorang digandingkan dengan Abang Ramlee Awang Murshid dalam satu event di MPH, Mid Valley even before we met. And somehow, entah macam mana, we just clicked. Cara penulisan kami tak sama langsung. While Liza Nur mempunyai kosa kata dan susunan ayat yang cantik dan narratif yang sangat buat aku jeles (tengoklah susunan ayat aku yang entah apa-apa ni),  Zara Amani pula menulis things as it is tanpa neglect gaya penceritaannya. Liza has the soft and smooth way of telling things, Zara Amani pula mix antara reality and fantasy in a systematic blend.

Aku? Aku langgar semua benda. I write about feces and relationship in one sentence.

Jadi kami bertiga punya gaya yang sangat berbeza tapi somehow kami click. Zara boleh sambung idea yang tersangkut dalam otak kau dan Liza boleh susun jadi something yang more comprehensible. Jadi jika one day, anda membaca prolog dan epilog TIGA HATI, ketahuilah bahawa walaupun TIGA HATI mempunyai tiga cerita berbeza dengan tiga penulisan berbeza, kami bertiga tulis epilog dan prolog bersama-sama. Dua bahagian itu - epilog dan prolog itu merupakan gabungan tulisan ketiga-tiga penulis and we hope that while reading it, you would know who wrote which sentence and which paragraph.

TIGA HATI merupakan hasil perbualan tiga orang novelis ketika mereka bertemu di Majlis Pertemuan/Mesyuarat Novelis Grup Buku Karangkraf. Sementara orang lain semua pergi makan tengah hari sebelum kembali untuk sesi seterusnya, aku, Liza dan Zara lepak di dalam dewan sambil berbincang tentang plot, babak dan susunan.

Novel ni ditulis dari tiga perspektif. Sekalipun epilog dan prolog ditulis bersama-sama, tiga kisah di dalamnya ditulis secara individu. TIGA HATI merupakan kisah tiga strangers yang pernah bertemu tapi tidak berkenalan. Ia kisah kita semua - where sometimes as we wait for the train to come, or as we sat in the train, on our journey, we met a lot of people, but we did not introduce ourselves to them. They're just people, strangers that we are not interested in knowing. Tapi those strangers may share our story and our problems. Mungkin sementara kita sendiri termenung memikirkan masalah kita, mereka juga sedang memikirkan masalah mereka dan sebenarnya berkongsi masalah yang sama.

TIGA HATI adalah kisah strangers. Dan kalau aku tak pergi Pesta Buku Selangor pada Jun 2010 itu, kalau Liza Nur dan Zara Amani tak bertegur sapa ketika bertemu di MPH pada tahun yang sama, we might have been just that. Strangers that shares the same hopes and woes.

Kalau tanya sama ada susah atau tidak nak menulis sebuah novel dengan tiga cerita, aku akan kata susah. Ya, susah - sekiranya anda mempunyai haluan yang berbeza dengan rakan novelis anda. Tapi tidak, tak susah, sekiranya anda punya hala tuju yang sama. It's not about give and take. It's about being at the right place at the right time. And not to meddle. Aku rasa lesson terbaik untuk buat novel secara kerjasama ini ialah untuk tidak masuk campur dalam kisah orang lain. It's the same technique in improv. Kalau orang pertama kata "Aku nak matikan watak ni", jangan kata "No, jangan matikan". You can't control other people's ideas and writing techniques. And that's what we did. We did not control each other's writing, kami tak ganggu idea orang lain and instead menggunakan teknik tu untuk mencantikkan continuity cerita. Adakah kami baik je sepanjang penulisan? Tak jugak. Ada jugak masanya stress and macam nak gaduh - tapi itu partly atas sebab2 ridiculous yang takde kaitan dengan manuskrip. Oh, but we're fine. Ekekekeke.

Maka, 3 HATI pun keluar - consist of tiga cerita : Lea (Mademoiselle), Wulan (Maladies) dan Nini (Madness)... which is sebenarnya antara tajuk2 awal kitorang pilih yang editor tak lepaskan sebab leceh nak sebut dan boleh menyebabkan gangguan dari sudut pemasaran. Ahahahaha.

Kiri sekali tu bahagian belakang, tgh tu tulangnya dan yang kanan tu cover

The reason why I didn't fight for AKN

Bila ditanya kenapa aku tak fight for AKU KAN NOVELIS untuk diadaptasi ke bentuk drama, aku tak tau macam mana aku nak jawab dengan precise dan concise supaya orang betul-betul faham apa yang berada dalam otak aku.

Tapi macam ni saja.

Pada mulanya aku memang cuba untuk fight for it. I thought it was a sign, sebab aku memang tak ada hantar sinopsis kepada editor bila edtor mintak writers yang berminat untuk pergi pitching di ASWARA. Tapi somehow, nama aku masuk ke finalised list. So I thought it may have been a sign that I should do it. And I did.

So I went there (dengan Liza Nur). I went and pitched the novel. Dan produser yang aku approach tu faham apa yang aku nak.

"I understand what you're trying to convey," katanya (dan ya, memang dia cakap english). "This is a chic lit kind of story, like something Meg Ryan would star in." Tepat sekali lagi. Tapi dia sambung, "Let's change this. Make her a blogger and make it so that Roul was in love with her after she gave his sister advice on relationship."

Then I realised something. Aku tak tau macam mana aku nak explain apakah AKN dan siapakan Safiah kepada sesiapa pun dan tak ada sesiapa pun akan faham dan dapat convey siapa Safiah kepada umum (kalau ia diadaptasi). Safiah, as it is, adalah mirror kepada diri aku yang aku tak nak tengok dilakonkan oleh orang lain. Aku tak nak interpretation orang lain atau ada pelakon yang dalam resumenya tertulis yang dia pernah melakonkan watak Safiah.

Safiah pada aku adalah orang yang berada di tengah2. Dia tak alim, tapi dia tak jahat. Dia tak cantik tapi dia tak buruk. Dia tak urban tapi dia tak kekampungan. Dia tak tabah tapi dia jugak tak lemah. Dia buat apa yang dia nak, tapi dia masih ada doubts. Dia tak suka changes tapi dia tak suka status quo. Dia opinionated dan tak ada pendapat dalam masa yang sama. Dia konvensional tapi dia rebel. She is a contradiction, which makes being with Roul - who is also an epitome of contradiction - works. And all of these adalah traits Safiah yang aku tahu dan aku simpan dalam otak. That's how I treat every single characters yang aku cipta - with actual thoughts dan psyche yang aku saja tahu.

In saying this, tak bermakna pun kalau produser tu ambil AKN penyiar akan terima dan novel tu akan diadaptasi. Nope. Banyak novel lain yang turut dipitch dan broadcasters tak akan terima semuanya dan ada saringan yang akan dibuat.

You see, sebagai seorang novelis, aku lengkapkan semuanya dalam otak aku. Tak ada hitam putih dalam karakter yang aku buat. Safiah memang sarcastic, tapi tak bermakna dia akan sentiasa tahu apa nak dikatakan. Roul mungkin gila tapi dia juga berfikir macam manusia biasa dan adakalanya risau kegilaannya akan menyusahkan orang. I don't create them as it is atau macam mana yang aku nak atau orang lain nak. AKu meletakkan diri aku dalam setiap watak, dan cuba memahami cara pemikiran setiap orang - introverts, extroverts, rebels, shy people, old people, young ones, etc etc etc.

Dan aku tak nak semua tu ditafsirkan oleh orang lain. It's a selfish thought, but AKN is a very selfish piece of manuscript. Aku tak kisah dengan buku aku yang lain. But not AKN. Even kalau tetiba aku rasa aku nak buku tu dijadikan drama, aku mungkin akan jadi orang selfish yang akan pilih penerbit (tapi itu tak akan berlaku, sebab aku bukan bestseller author macam Ramlee Awang Murshid. Ahahahaha).

Dan bila aku berdepan dengan producers, baru aku sedar semua ni. Baru aku sedar yang aku tak nak buku aku yang satu ni difilemkan. Bak kata seorang reader yang bernama Aishah Sazali, it's an exclusive book. Aku tak pernah suka dengan sekuel, tapi aku sanggup ubah prinsip just untuk AKN. Bukan sebab buku tu masterpiece ke ape ke (aku belum lagi berjaya memikirkan sesuatu yang boleh aku anggap sebagai masterpiece), tapi buku tu merapatkan aku dengan ramai pembaca dan aku sangat suka the original lovers of AKN - who likes AKN because of the book, not because of something they watched on TV. Aku tak nak buku tu jadi drama sebab tanpa penulisan aku, AKN would be a very linear story. Tak ada apa yang mengagumkan tentang plot AKN. It's about love in a mediocre setting. You have to have an imagination to make it great, and only your mind can make it great, not other people's and certainly not a visual assistance from the television.

"Itu pemikiran yang tak bagus untuk pemasaran," kata seseorang yang aku kenal.
I know. But I've always acted on a hunch. Right one, or wrong one, it doesn't matter. I am sooooo going to regret it in the long run. But then it's my choice.

TRIHEART - Tiga Hati, Tiga Otak, Tiga Wanita Tak Betul

Ha? Apa? Novel baru? Ya, expect this daripada seorang novelis yang dah setahun setengah tak keluarkan buku baru. Belum keluar SBP dah keluar yang ni... (itu bukan salah aku, aku tak ada kuasa terhadap apa yang akan dicetak dulu. Ahahaha). Tapi kot2 ada yang salah faham and fikir, "Mana aci, Shai keluar buku sekaligus...", let me say that novel yang ni dah ditulis pada akhir tahun 2011 manakala yang satu lagi pertengahan 2011. Buku ni dah tunggu queue agak lama, ok? Penulis dia ikat perut sementara menunggu. Ahahaha.

Aku tak nak cerita panjang-panjang, sebab tak ada siapa nak baca rantings aku kat sini. Kita teruskan dengan...

Tajuk: 3 Hati

Penulis: Liza Nur, Nurul Syahida, Zara Amani

Harga:RM 27.90

ISBN: 9789670535128

~752 hlm

Bahasa Melayu

Tarikh Terbit: 6 Mac 2013

Terbitan: Buku Prima

 “Saya macam rumput. Tak kira seberapa banyak saya dipijak, saya takkan mudah mati.”

LIZA NUR

“Virus flu tu tak nampak dek mata pun kan? Tapi kalau masuk dalam badan, kita demam sampai tak boleh bangun. I nak jadi that virus.”

    NURUL SYAHIDA

“Aku bukan manusia sempurna yang layak meminta. Aku manusia yang mencari ketidaksempurnaanku disempurnakan.”

  ZARA AMANI

Baik, sedikit teaser buat anda dari karya NS (sebab aku tak ada hak nak keluarkan ZA atau LN punya excerpt):

            “Miss, you might think I’m corny, but in reality corny is the new suave,” ujar lelaki itu.

            “Really? Corny is the new suave? Sejak bila ayat menggelikan jadi sesuatu yang terkini? Adakah saya dah balik ke era 80-an?” Wulan sarkastik.

            “Percayalah cakap saya. Hari ni awak rasa saya corny dan tak cukup kreatif. Tapi lama-lama awak tak boleh buang ayat-ayat corny saya ni dari otak awak. Orang perempuan selalu kata diaorang tak layan klise, tapi berapa ramai perempuan yang masih mengharapkan Aaron Aziz jadi suami diaorang? And let me tell you, Aaron Aziz got nothing on me,” ujar lelaki itu dengan yakin.

SEKOLAH BANYAK PENUNGGU back in business!!

Lepas delay sebulan lebih akibat tunggu printing (ni perkara biasa), akhirnya editor beritahu SEKOLAH BANYAK PENUNGGU dah pun dicetak. Alhamdulillah. Insya-Allah, bulan Mac dah ada kat kedai2 buku.

Tapi kalau anda nak perkhidmatan lebih pantas, dengan additional ucapan penulis (kalau nak la, tak nak pun tak ape je :P) dan tandatangan, selain token button badge limited edition saya yang jelita (button badge tu, ini bukan pengakuan perasan novelis), bolehlah dapatkan di SINI!!

Money, Lonely or Tak Peduli

Life is a static bliss....

Ni apehal perempuan ni tiba2 berfalsafah. Dahlah 18 hari tak update blog.

Itu adalah kerana dia terlalu sibuk dengan kerja, seperti biasa yang dia buat sejak empat tahun yang lepas. Orang kata dia terlalu mengejar wang, ada yang kata dia lonely dan perlukan distraction, ada yang kata dia dah tak peduli apa-apa.

Kepala hotaklah tak peduli amende.

Tapi kadang-kadang dalam hidup ni, there are better things left unsaid. It is unwise to actually said things like:

"Shai is working too hard to distract herself from loneliness."

Here's the thing about being a single woman in her late 20s. Working hard doesn't always equal to loneliness. Sometimes we say those words to make it sound dramatic, so it doesn't look that bland when you said, "Oh, aku ada kerja nak dibuat". Wanita bujang akhir 20-an yang bekerja ni, well... at least akulah, bekerja sebab we have to work twice as hard as our married friends. Why? Because there is no actual noktah kepada kerja tu. I know most working mothers would not agree, and akan kata, "Ko hidup single, tak ada responsibility terhadap orang lain", which is actually agak salah sebab being single means that for every stupid decision, kau kena tanggung sensorang.

And anyway, since aku takde tanggungan, might as well spend it finding more money in case tetiba wujudnya tanggungan tambahan tu. We don't actually work to distract from feeling lonely, but we're working to actually get money. Being single is not that psychologically over dramatic, you know.

In saying that, aku tak kata aku tak lonely. Semua orang pun ada masanya akan rasa lonely. Tapi bila ko mati pun ko masuk kubur sensorang gak, so.... Ahahahahaha.

"Shai is working sebab dia dah tak peduli apa-apa."

Kalau aku tak peduli apa-apa, aku akan duduk rumah buat sampah and jadi hoarders macam kat dalam dokumentari channel BIO tu. Sebagai orang Islam, aku rasa saying "Dah tak peduli apa-apa" tu macam some sort of putus asa... and I refuse to condone to that kind of thinking. Ya, aku suka kata "Aku dah tak pedulik dah", tapi bukan tak pedulikkan kehidupan aku, but more like tak pedulikan 'past dramas' yang adakalanya suka menjengah Facebook aku (macam la aku tatau) atau guna orang lain untuk pantau sama ada aku mempunyai kehidupan yang bahagia atau tak.

Dulu yelah, rasa nak tunjuk yang kita ni okay dan bahagia. Sekarang aku dah tak peduli dah. Buat apa aku nak sibuk2 tunjuk kebahagiaan hidup aku kepada orang yang bila difikir balik, hanyalah kisah entah zaman bila yang kalau diingat semula pun, aku dah tak paham kenapa aku stress sangat. Kalau diorang sibuk nak gloat kebahagiaan diorang tu... well, in the words of the wise... "Biarkan si luncai terjun dengan labu-labunya."

Aku bukan tak pedulikan apa-apa. Cuma aku agak kurang interested in trivial things nowadays. And I have not been involved in the many trivial things in life nowadays. I'm not saying that I am free of troubles and woes. Kadang2 rasa senak dengan masalah court yang entah bila nak selesai... kalau orang tu memang appeal, satu hal, kalau dia kalah, dia mungkin bawak to higher court plak...there is no end to it, aku dah naik menyampah memikirkannya. Kadang2 rasa pening menghadap soalan orang tentang bila nak kahwin. Kadang2 risau jugak sebab kerja aku ni bukan satu certainty.... tapi Alhamdulillah, those kind of things masih boleh diuruskan lagi dan aku masih boleh buat lawak. I guess, there is nothing that I have not gone through that I am going through right now. The pain and suffering that I may feel right now, I already felt it before and I am already immune by it. I am well aware of the irony in my life that aku rasa buat masa ni, aku mampu nak letak ke tepi dan buat apa yang lebih penting. Which is, kerja.

"Shai tu gila cari duit."
Taklah sampai gila. Tapi aku berani kata work takes nearly three quarter of my life. Aku ada masa untuk buat dan aku masih ada kekuatan nak buat. Dan aku tak ada those kind of dreams like, "Oh aku nak travel satu dunia" atau "Aku nak pergi mandi semua pantai di dunia sebelum umur aku 60 tahun." Nope. Mungkin masa aku baru nak kenal dunia aku sibuk nak buat semua tu. Sekarang ni apa aku dapat buat, aku buat dan kalau aku tak dapat buat, aku masukkan dalam list of things I wanna do. Tapi kalau tak dapat buat? No biggies. Like, once upon a time aku gila nak bungee jumping. Nowadays, aku rasa cam... aku boleh nikmati alam dengan perlahan2, buat apa aku nak pi nikmati alam dengan terjun daripada tempat tinggi dengan kadar kelajuan yang memungkinkan aku tak nampak apa2 pun?

Apa aku bebel nih?

Oh, ya. Gila cari duit. Aku mencari duit dan aku suka mencari duit dan aku suka bila aku dapat duit dan dapat gembirakan mak ayah dengan duit aku. So screw you, judging scums.

Ahahaha, tetibe je nak marah.

Anyway, updates tentang novel2.

1. SEKOLAH BANYAK PENUNGGU dah ditunda keluar ke bulan Mac. Jangan tanya aku. Benda2 behind the scenes ni memang aku tak berapa nak paham. Tapi untuk yang dah buat pre-order tu, jangan risau. Masih berjalan macam biasa.

2. Novel Trio dengan Liza Nur dan Zara Amani dah finalise tajuk kepada TIGA HATI. Ahahahahaha. Tajuk tu sebenarnya pilihan terakhir kitorang dalam banyak2 tajuk yang kitorang cadangkan kat pihak editor, tapi itu yang pihak editor pilih. Bincang2 nak tukar ke tak, last2 sume malas nak tukar dah. So that's that.

3. AKN2.... the bane of my existence. Aku memang nak siapkan, masalahnya bila dah sampai page yang ke300 lebih ni, suddenly ada lost of interest. Tapi ini memang perkara biasa tentang menulis novel. Kalau kita dah tulis something yang memakan beratus page, by the middle of it, we usually want out atau rasa kita tengah menulis citer tehape-hape. Itu halangan yang kena dihadapi. Tu belum masuk lagi bab editor suka tak suka. Bayangkan ko dah bersusah payah siapkan, editor kata, "Ini tak cukup memuaskan"... maksudnya haruslah kau hadapi manuskrip yang ko dah happily let go itu kembali dan proses rasa nak muntah siapkan itu harus dihadapi lagi.

I think I need a muse.