Cool old dude is cool

The coolest stars in my book are always over forty.

The ultimate old man of the century. Siapa burukkan M.Nasir memang buta seni dan saja2 nak kena belasah.

You know what cool is? Cool is when you sound like Optimus Prime without the need of any voice machine.

It was between the Su and the Sik. But I guess Choi Min-su hair is more badass than Choi Min-sik's eating live octopus.

Anthony Wong. No need for explanation.

Nana Patekar is like my dad. He looks calm and not dangerous. But you can also imagine him slashing people with a machete.

...but then again, I never liked anything.

Hate the new look on my blog?

Good. I don't like it either.

What matters most...

I don't know why would I blog when I have nothing whatsoever to say. Sometimes I just write them to make sure I can still write in English, although you can actually see from the grammar that I have no rules whatsoever in my writing.

Past participle my ass.

That's the thing. The only passion I have for this particular language is when I was a movie reviewer. WAS, in this sense is because my last press preview was in April and I don't think I would be able to do it again even if I got one. I realised that being critical about movies makes you an annoying company for people who just watch movies "just because". I mean, unless you too are the kind who yaps all day long about continuity and cinematography, watching movies with me is really not a fun experience. This is how I watch a movie.

A) Shut up. I paid RM10 not to listen to you yap about how you feel about the characters.

B) You laugh at that joke? That's just stereotypical. Of course a white guy trying to sound black will get his ass kicked. ("It's still funny!" my friend said). It's not. Your  laughing will make scriptwriters think they can use the same running jokes over and over again and they will become those lazy arses who kept writing formulaic storylines instead of trying to think outside the box.

C) Ugh, bad continuity. 

D) Stupid couple on row five. Make a baby or watch a movie. If you don't want to sacrifice your time for your baby and bring them to THE DARK KNIGHT where they can scream and cry all 120 minutes duration because you can't find a babysitter, you better cut your balls and eat them so that you will never have any babies ever again that will wail to his/her hearts content and may have hearing problems befire they hit puberty because their parents are stupid enough to take them to a DIGITAL DOLBY-filled room.

E) "Do you like the movie?" "It was so great!" "Do you like that movie, Shai?" "I can't believe Julia Roberts wanted to be in THAT piece of shit."

F) "Why aren't you eating, Shai?" "I still can't believe why the hell Julia Roberts wanted to be in THAT piece of shit!"

Anyways... where was I?

Oh yeah, I got no subject matter in hand to talk about. I am still working on AKN2. I asked around about what would be the best way to do it. Some wanted the whole story to just be about Safiah and Roul. Some wanted Iza and Helmi to be in it. I stressed myself trying to make the perfect blend. But then I realised that I will never be able to satisfy everybody, so why not I satisfy myself and write what I think I want to write? So with that thought, I continued on. I love my readers to death, but in the end the person who knows best about my writings would be me. With that thought, I continued my journey through trying to live a life.

Seriously. You would think winning a case would make you better off, eyh? Last month I didn;t have to pay zakat pendapatan at all. Because the expenses exceeds my whole July payment. By three Kardashians, if you catch my drift - what with the lawyer fee and all. People think being a novelist makes you a wealthy bastard. No. That's just Stephen King. 

My cousin is getting married this September. I am so relieved that I don't have to emcee her wedding because Lord knows I suck at emceeing. I'm glad she's tying the knot and whatnot (ha!), because there is this one old woman that have been hating my grandma since I can remember and us not married is just like her Hari Raya Aidil Fitri, you know. She celebrates the fact that my grandma is still great grandchildren-less (I dunno how to say that easier). 

Let me tell you about sikap iri hati orang melayu....

... I don't have to. Most of you must have your own version of the old woman. I don't really understand why one would have to spend their life hating people, talking about them behind their back and just wish bad things happen to them. I really don't. Yes, sometimes we do feel envious or we do have the tendency to feel jealous about other people's success, but we don't try to destroy them physically or emotionally. We don't stalk their lives and laugh at their failure and snigger at their happiness. We live our own life and make our own happiness. We let bygones be bygones no matter how hard it is, because in the end, what matters most is what Allah thinks.

And isn't that the goal in life?

That raya entry before balik kampung

Maafkan aku.

Hari ni aku check extreme tracking aku dan mendapati:

Setiap kali aku mendapati orang carik buku aku yang latest, aku rasa sangat bersalah sebab tak ada buku latest. But sekali lagi diingatkan, bukannya aku tak tulis apa-apa tahun ni. Ada. Tapi editor kitorang tak ramai, penulis sangat ramai, manuskrip sangat banyak, dan last time aku tengok worklist editor aku, diorang dah full sampai akhir tahun. Itu worklist editing ye, bukan jadual publishing.

So... maafkan aku atas masalah-masalah teknikal yang tak dapat aku selesaikan.

Aku balik raya esok. Aku tak perasan apa yang dah berlaku dalam dunia sepanjang minggu ni sebab aku sibuk top up kerja. Nak kata "aku sibuk top up ibadat" macam sangat over the top je. Maklumlah, berbeza dengan orang kerja opis, bila aku tak kerja aku tak dapat duit. Sistem kais pagi makan pagi la katakan. Haha.

Right now tengah busy trying to finish AKN2. Sebenarnya nove lagi satu tu dah nak siap, tapi upon editing aku rasa cam, "THIS IS SHIT!!!"... so aku tinggalkan buat sementara dan siapkan AKN2. I will tweak the other one later on... if I feel like it. The worst would be leaving it until next year or next next year. Dalam otak aku ada ratusan plot cerita, tapi tak ada satu pon yang membolehkan aku tulis sebanyak 500 mukasurat  over. I think I should make a novella, like Stephen King's "Secret Window Secret Garden"... empat cerita dalam satu and those kind of things. I think I work better when I am not stressed down by the number of pages I have to work on.

But anyways... aku mintak maaf sebab tak dapat tunaikan hajat nak buat kad sendiri lagi tahun ni dan tak berkesempatan nak even create a Facebook banner or a blog bunting untuk mengucapkan selamat hari raya kepada semua readers yang sangat mengebest. Aku rasa sangat malu sebab masih menggunakan ucapan yang dibuat pada tahun 2010 ini untuk wish my readers SELAMAT HARI RAYA.

I know it's cliche, but still... maafkan semua silap dan salah. Bukan sebab kena sambut raya jadi kena mintak maaf, tapi sebab kita tak tahu apa yang berlaku dalam perjalanan kita balik ke kampung atau apa yang akan berlaku sepanjang musim perayaan. Jadi maafkan aku kalau ada tersilap kata, termenggunakan perkataan shit lebih dari jumlah yang sepatutnya digunakan oleh seorang wanita, gelak berlebihan dan yang sewaktu dengannya.

Love you guys. See you next week, insya-Allah!

Shai - The Amazing Gift Hoarder

I keep things.
Things that meant a lot. Things that people gave me. Things that I can't let go. Things I did. But some things are better left forgotten. Kept somewhere unseen. Thrown away.

Not some of these things, though...

Tulip ungu tu dibagi oleh Nad sebagai hadiah birthday masa aku form two. It came with a birthday card. Sayangnya aku tak jumpa mana kad tu. In 2010, she gave me the rose bottle. I am still contemplating tentang apa yang aku nak isi dalam tu. Memula kekonon nak isik semua impian dalam tu, tapi sejak berusia 29 tahun, bila ada impian aku terus buat je. Hmmm... mungkin aku patut masukkan impian nak beli banglo kat Cihampelas dalam tu. Atau impian kahwin dengan Dude Harlino.... (kenapa impian aku semuanya ada kat Indonesia? Banyak sangat kerja translate sinetron la nih)

Ika, roommate dan junior aku kat UIA bagi message in a bottle tu kat aku sebagai hadiah perpisahan masa final year kat UIA in 2006. In 2004, Iza bagi aku scented candle tu. Asalnya scented candle tu warna biru dengan seashells kat dalamnya. Sekarang dah bertukar warna. Aku tak nak guna. Sayang weyh, member bagi (bodeklah kawan anda yang bekerja sebagai lecturer untuk kebaikan masa hadapan. haha)

I have always wanted a dartboard. So habis sekolah je, ini benda pertama yang aku beli dengan duit yang mak cik aku bagi sebagai hadiah SPM. The butterfly was Mun's gift untuk convocation. It's a symbollic thing - meaning to fly, now that I have finished my studies... for me, lah. Mungkin Mun just beli sebab benda tu cantik, mana aku tau apa dia punya pemahaman. Ahahaha.

Can't play an instrument. But I sure can play kompang yo.

  

KUNGFU HUSTLE soundtrack yang ada tandatangan Stephen Chow in 2004. Yes, yang bulat2 macam contengan hapentah tu adelah tandatangan Sing Jai sendiri. This is the closest I can get to him. Closer than that, I will become a Stephen Chow stalker. Haha.

Mug tu adalah hadiah harijadi daripada bapak sedara aku masa aku darjah enam. Aku suka mug tu sebab it's not perfect. It was made to be senget benget dan banyak imperfection. The blue SHY thing adalah hadiah perpisahan yang si Mun buat untuk aku, Tim dan Nad lepas habis tingkatan lima. It wud have been more meaningful if aku dah tak jumpa Mun selama sepuluh tahun. Masalahnya setiap bulan jumpa. Tak Sisterhood of Travelling Pants langsung. Hahaha.

Punca aku simpan tag MEDIA untuk event Michael Jackson and event Kim Ha-neul and Kang Ji-hwan ini adalah kerana inilah event terakhir/work trip luar Malaysia yang aku pergi sebagai media. After the Singapore trip, PTPTN bertindak kejam terhadap aku. Terpaksalah aku bekerja dalam Malaysia je.

Ini hadiah birthday yang makdik bagi masa darjah tiga rasanya. Dalam tu ada tiga batang pensel, pembaris dan pemadam. Sampai sekarang masih retain bentuk asalnya. Sayang nak guna sebab cantik sangat.

Ini kotak barang kemas yang makcik bagi. Rasanya makcik bagi masa form four. Dulu aku simpan barang kemas dalam tu. Tapi lepas tu semuanya tangle sesama sendiri, so akhirnya aku isik beads and buttons je dalam tu. Sampai sekarang, every few days aku akan lap supaya berkilat. 

The first one adalah lakaran design t-shirt yang aku buat untuk adik sepupu aku tapi lepas tu aku lupa bagi dia dan dia lupa nak tanya dan akhirnya terus dilupakan. Aku menggunakan muka Jay Chou sebagai sampel. Sebelah tu ialah zaman aku nak try lukis potret so aku lukis muka Chaq. Then I found out that I hate making portraits sebab it takes a long time and a lot of people can do it. So aku tinggalkan terus. As they say, "Never invest in something that won't give you a lot of profit." Ahahaha.

Ini fail masa aku second year kat UIA. Zaman obses Jay Chou sampai fail pun ada muka dia. Bila piker sekarang, rasa macam sangat nonsense je masa tu, luar gamba Jay Chou, dalam nota Usul Fiqh. 

Tiap-tiap tahun mesti buat kerja ni. Add subject, pergi first class, didn't like it, drop the subject. Aku rasa El-Fatih dah naik muak sign drop form aku tetiap semester. Budak ni tak ada keputusan hidup betul.

Masa aku form three back in 1998, I heard of a bombing in Kenya and Tanzania. It was the first time the name Osama bin Laden was mentioned in a big way... globally. Put aside the question of holy war and whatnot. What interest me is the story of a son of a wealthy family who left everything for a life in the run. In 1999, I started compiling news about the guy. This was before 9/11. Sangat susah nak jumpa news about Bin Laden before 9/11. After 9/11, I stopped compiling sebab berita pasal dia bersepah and compiling each and every one of em will only turn my file into an encyclopaedia.  

It was my poetry diary. Tempat aku tulis puisi. It was my "thing" masa study kat UIA. 

The many many Jay Chou album since the first one. Actually aku start dengan his third album, "Eighth Generation" (because I was in love with "Hui Dao Guo Qu"), and then beli yang second and first. Album first sangat susah nak jumpa unless ko masuk kedai muzik yang memang khas untuk album artis cina sahaja. Pada zaman tu, kalau ko masuk kedai beli album Jay Chou, orang kedai pandang kau sambil tanya, "You sure?" especially when you don't actually speak the language, bertudung dan ada kad matric UIA dalam wallet. It became a source of amusement to them bila ko miming lagu "An Hao" depan diorang, as if you're a performing monkey. Hahaha. 

And Taiwanese singers always keluarkan stuff. Memula keluar album. Then keluar the music video VCDs or DVD. Then concert album. OST for movies. Oyh. The last album aku beli before I stop was his seventh, "Still Fantasy". Masa tu dia dah start berlakon and his songs were not as good as the ones when he was just the lanky dude from Linkou who loves his mum, Jet Li's movies and composing songs. So I stopped.

That post Mia asked of me...

Sebenarnya dah beberapa kali dah aku buat percubaan untuk tulis mende nih seperti yang diminta oleh Cik Mia (Kaftiya). Entah kenapa setiap kali aku tulis aku decided bahawasanya esei tentang diri sendiri ini sangat suck kerana sangat self-oriented (macam la selama ni tulisan aku tak self-oriented kan... kata hatinya macam selfless ah. Ahaha).

Tapi sebab aku baik dan mencarik alasan untuk tangguh dulu tulis novel, maka dengan ini aku pun buatlah. Apa dia soalan tadi?

MACAM MANA AKU JADI PENULIS
(opening montage: lagu "Coming Undone" oleh kumpulan KORN, konon2nya macam aku ni wanita ganas ah, dengar lagu nu metal...)

Aku start menulis sejak aku boleh menulis. Which is darjah satu. Kenapa darjah satu? Sebab aku tak tadika, therefore hanya mula pandai membaca ketika darjah satu. Darjah dua aku dah start buat series of dialogues antara watak bernama Imran dengan Laila. Masa darjah empat aku buat cerita pertama aku yang bertajuk FIONA, based on that 4U2C song. Jangan tanya apa ceritanya. Aku tak hengat. Kalau aku jumpa skrip tu, aku bakar je. Hahahahaha. Laaameee-oo!

Aku rasa memang dari kecik aku nak jadi penulis. Mak aku suka bercerita dan biasanya dia suka merosakkan legenda melayu sesuka hati dia. Contohnya, masa aku masih budak2 lagi, mak aku ajar bahawasanya mak si Pekan dan Melor tu sangat pentingkan diri semata2 tak dapat makan telur tembakul. Mak aku juga kata, mak si Tanggang sangat tak pandai sebab sumpah anak dia jadi batu sedangkan dia miskin. Sepatutnya dia sumpah Tanggang jadi emas..................
Selain itu bapak aku juga seorang yang suka membaca. Jika anda add saya di FB, you will see that I have one album that shows the book collection kat rumah aku. Bapak aku seorang avid reader dan dia lebih suka belikan kitorang buku daripada mainan.

Oh ya, mak saudara aku juga seorang penulis bernama Siti Rosnah Hj Ahmad. Tapi kami jarang berjumpa. I think like, once every full moon or dalam bahasa melayunya, sepuluh tahun sekali baru jumpa. So mungkin kami kongsi bakat yang sama tapi mak teh aku tak mempengaruhi aku dalam bidang ni.

Kat sekolah menengah pun, macam biasalah. Asrama tu undang2nya pelik. Kadang2 boleh baca novel, tapi tahun depan kata tak boleh pulak. So akhirnya aku pun buatlah novel sendiri dan bagi member2 baca dan suruh diorang komen kat bahagian belakang tu. The first one I did was in form three. Kisah tentang seorang minah kaya yang lari dari rumahnya dan berpura2 menjadi lelaki dan tinggal dengan seorang mamat yang duduk rumah setinggan kat KL... aku tak akan ubah jadi novel sebab a) tak logik untuk orang perempuan menyamar jadi lelaki tapi lelaki lain tak perasan. b) tak ada moral value. Duduk serumah tanpa ikatan... like I would educate people to do that! It was called "Helmi Helena". Oh, tajuk itu sungguh 1990s, kan? Wakakaka.

Aku terus menulis macam tu. Tulis dalam buku, bagi orang baca, suruh orang komen.

Masa sekolah rendah, aku tak berani nak cakap aku nak jadi penulis sebab sume orang pun kata nak jadi arkitek atau doktor. Aku ikut jela orang lain (budak2 memang macam ni). Tapi kat sekolah menengah, aku dah tetapkan. Cita-cita aku cuma ada dua. Sama ada jadi penulis atau penganalisa politik. That explains the Political Science in UIA.

Habis sekolah, aku start menulis cerpen untuk majalah. Dulu ada satu majalah namanya SITI. Tak lama pun in circulation. Tapi aku pernah hantar cerpen kat diorang and diorang keluarkan. Tajuknya ialah "Warkah Untuk Ustaz" (still, lame title), which aku persembahkan dalam bentuk surat - it was like three to four letters written by a girl yang dulunya troublesome dan telah dibetulkan oleh seorang ustaz muda and bila dia masuk universiti, dia terus tulis surat untuk ustaz tu utk cerita masalah dan ustaz tu balas. But the last letter she wrote, she told him that she is in love with him. Ustaz tu tak reply so dia tulis surat lagi sekali mintak penjelasan. Which in the end, the ustaz' wife send her a letter saying that ustaz dah tiga bulan meninggal and all this while bini dia yang balas surat tu sebab he was worried about the girl.

Oh sangat cheesy, kan? But it was my first published piece and I am very proud of it. Tapi sayangnya majalah tu hilang dan aku tak ada copy. Tapi aku ingat it was keluaran Ogos 2001.

Right after that aku tulis cerpen untuk majalah MUSLIMAH, bertajuk "Monolog Rambut Kerinting Aku" about a guy yang tak sabar tunggu saatnya untuk jumpa minah yang dia minat kat sekolah dulu lepas lima tahun terpisah. Then I sent satu manuskrip novel ke RHYTHM PUBLISHER. Diorang hantar surat kata akan publish but akhirnya takde kabar berita. And then aku hantar ke Alaf21, but this time aku hantar separa manuskrip je. Kisah tentang seorang perempuan yang perlu mulakan semula semuanya lepas dia mengkhianati kawan baiknya, only to meet a devil-may-care guy yang lebih interested untuk buli dia. He thinks she's mysterious, with her secrets and her loneliness. She thinks he's mysterious, with his bad attitude and nonsensical mood. Alaf tak bagi respon apa2, so aku lupakan terus impian tu.

A year later, seorang lelaki telefon aku dan perkenalkan dirinya sebagai Mohd Ali. Aku ingat sangat perbualan tu.
"Awak pernah hantar manuskrip ke Alaf kan?"
"Haaaa.........."
"Tak ingat eh?"
"Hahaha. Ha'ah. Saya banyak sangat hantar manuskrip tapi tak ada jawapan."
"Masa hantar dulu tu Alaf reject kan?"
"Tak tau. Tak dapat respon apa pon."
"Tak ada? Ha, ni saya beritahu ni. Diorang reject cerita awak. Tapi saya ni editor Alaf. Saya baru pindah ke penerbitan baru. Namanya Buku Prima. Jadi saya bawak sekali manuskrip awak. Awak ada cerita, tapi saya nak awak kembangkan lagi boleh? Sikit sangat ni."
(Aku tak beritahu dia manuskrip tu cuma setengah je.)
"Ha, okeh."

Setahun lepas tu baru aku hantar sebab aku sangat gila-gila busy. You would think someone who wanted to be a novelist all her life, she would jump on the chance to do it, kan? Tak. Boleh plak tunggu setahun baru nak hantar. Aku rasa sejak itulah Encik Ali dah paham bahawasanya aku bakal menjadi seorang novelis yang tak pernah ikut deadline. It was published in 2007 and entitled "Soalnya Hati". But being the first novel, memang banyak hack and slashes. Sebenarnya chapter second last sebelum bahagian TAC tu aku cuma tulis sampai bahagian Pyan menoleh ke belakang lepas Zulaikha baca nota tu,.. and then straight to the epilogue about the TAC. Tapi editor aku, Sue tambah the whole dialogue about "Perempuan mesti cair" tu.

Habis je belajar, I had two ways to go. I could be a writer or I could find jobs related to my degree. Tapi aku rasa memang rezeki aku kat sini. Bapak aku tak benarkan aku kerja kat UNHCR walaupun aku dapat tawaran untuk kerja sana. Aku tak dapat kerja kat kedutaan Thailand sebab takde lesen memandu, dan PTD.... ah, toksah citer pasal PTD. The worst you could do is stuck kat interview after exam and PAC. Akulah tu. Do I want to go do it all over again? NO way. I am not gonna spend my time writing and then lari 2.5 km dalam masa lima minit (ke seploh minit? aku tak hengat) dan travel sampai ke Kluang la bagai and ace all those critical thinking and problem solving exercise just untuk stuck kat interview just because I suck at talking face to face with three old men.

But aku dapat kerja kat TIMES (the book store). Aku dapat kerja management kat POPULAR (the book store) dan aku dapat kerja dengan Cinema Online, the latter I accept. It was admin work, until Marcel and Zee kick me to editorial (at first, you will think "I was promoted to editorial...." until you actually do work in editorial.... then you kinda wish you're back in admin). But it opens doors to a whole lot more. It sharpens my pace, my vocab, my patience that after a year, aku resign and dengan mudah dapat kerja freelance. Which means, I have more time for writing.

Tapi kalau tanya kenapa aku nak jadi penulis, jawapannya mudah. The first time aku betul-betul serius nak menulis ialah bila aku mula bosan. Aku perempuan biasa. Aku tak pandai sangat tapi aku tak bodoh. Aku bukan gadis kampung yang tabah mahupun wanita kaya yang independent. Tapi tak ada  watak novel yang aku boleh relate to. Or at least, tak ada yang aku jumpa. I though that I want to write. I want to write about me and people like me. Sebab sepanjang aku hidup, orang macam aku la yang paling banyak aku jumpa.

Aku tak pernah rasa aku artsy atau ada the best grammar. Nope. I have a lot of vocab but I'm not really good dalam membezakan dari dengan daripada, adalah dan ialah, menghadiahkan dan menghadiahi. Apa yang aku boleh buat ialah make up stories - watching people and making up background stories about them. Apa yang aku pandai buat ialah make fun of misery and make fun of myself. And enjoy horror stories. If I was a better speaker, I would have become a stand-up comedienne rather than a writer. I mean, aku lebih enjoy baca autobiografi Tina Fey rather than Patricia Cornwall's. And I will always pick Stephen King rather than Sophie Kinsella.

Apa yang buat aku nak jadi penulis ialah knowing that all these deep dark thoughts of mine can be read and enjoyed by people. Aku paling suka bila orang tulis email kat aku and kata "Bila akak cakap pasal spesis student kat universiti tu, saya rasa macam akak baca fikiran saya!" I like the fact that I say things that other people think but keep to themselves.  I like the fact that I touched their hearts, and telling them "Hei, bukan awak je yang buat. Semua orang yang putus cinta akan stalk FB ex diorang. Semua yang angau bercinta akan fikir dia je yang betul. Bukan awak je yang ada kawan annoying yang suka berlagak konon2 dia tak study apa2 tapi dapat markah tinggi, sebab orang macam tu memang ada kat mana-mana dan mereka akan terus jadi annoying in so many ways. Bukan awak je yang tahu pedihnya kematian. We're all in this together."

So.... Mia? Puas hati? Hahahaha.

Things I like. Part 1.

Memes, motivational posters, words of wisdom, pretentious words of wisdom.

It seems that FB sekarang dipenuhi dengan semua tu. Some are inspirational, while others are just plain ridiculous. However, I have this "hobby", you might call it, where I save the ones that I love or I like. And Imma share it with you. Why? Because I have to keep this blog active or nuffnang ain't givin me any ads.

To some of you, it is just a simple message that "Looks deceives". For me, it's like a life motto. One day when I own a house, this will be hanged in my library in a beautiful silver frame.

Because if you wanna work freelance, this is the correct formula. I vouch for it.

I think the person who made this is the coolest person on earth. Rather than a long explanation of things inside a book, the picture conclude altogether the things you have to do in Hajj. And for someone who has never been there, like yours truly, this picture tells it all.

I made this as my wallpaper just so I can remember it. I mean, Copy paste mende nih dan jadikan wallpaper laptop... 

Kali pertama aku baca, aku gelak. Sebab aku jumpa mende ni kat 9Gag pada waktu aku betul-betul decide to let bygones be bygones and let all the shitheads in my life just go on living their life. If they want to disturb mine, let them. Disturbin mine, means theirs sucks. And I dun give a. Although mentioning it now seems a bit spiteful, ainnit? ahaha

True yo.

To others, this is King dissing TWILIGHT. To me, it is King telling people the difference between starting a trend and following trends.

Right on. And that is why sometimes certain people's ideas on Facebook about governance makes you go, "Really? Five years tertiary education, a semester on critical thinking and this is your take?"

I laughed not because it's funny. But because, sad to say, this is not just "Asians according to Americans". I mean, ignorance is a global pandemic. In high school, some of my peers thought that  Canada is in Europe. Pre-millenium facepalm!

I no longer need this on my wallpaper since it is already embedded in my head. Which is good, sebab sekarang aku boleh beritahu orang, putting this as your laptop's wallpaper memang sangat berkesan. You're not gonna forget it.

Again, aku sangat berterima kasih kepada orang yang buat benda ni sebab aku selalu confuse dengan tanda berhenti ni semua. Aku tak sure sama ada subjek PAQ dulu tak ajar benda ni, atau ko kena masuk kelas KAQ dengan Ustaz Ghazali untuk belajar benda ni, ataupun memang ada dalam chapter PAQ tapi aku tido. Everybody sleeps in my school.

A bit spiteful, but it made my day anyway. Hahaha.

Again, only plain janes that have to listen to their pretty friends' (or frienemies') same-topic whine would understand this. But girls do it all the time - talking about some guy's compliments continuously, I mean. I think I may have done it on one occasion, although I doubt it, since 80% of the men I knew usually treats me  like I'm some kind of sarcasm machine, spewing ironic sentences for their enjoyment. Last time aircond aku rosak, you would think they would help you, kan? Nope. Diorang gelak and say "Campak jela dalam longkang." Those assholes.

This is partly because the pic is pretty and because it kinda answers my question about my constant waking up in the middle of the night.

This is the truest shit I ever found on the net. I can't say which one is truer, because everything above memang betul.

Cik Fad tag aku pada gambar ni. Aku try jadikan wallpaper, tapi seriously, no avengers can make me write when I dun feel like it.

Adakah ini memang kata2 hikmat Salahudin Al-Ayubi? Aku malas nak research betul2. Nowadays orang ramai sangat buat benda ni sampaikan ada masanya diorang main letak je apa diorang jumpa kat internet tu, sampaikan hadis dhaif pun sampaikan kat orang. Bahaya betul. Tapi kalau yang ni tak kisahlah betul atau tak... the important thing is apa yang disampaikan.

Yes. Thank you. Somebody has the guts to give golongan ini nama yang sesuai. Mintak nasihat tu satu hal. Tak nak ikut tu satu hal la, sebab decision kau adalah decision kau. Cumanya, bila kau dah pilih decision kau tu dan it turns out to be the wrong one, toksah datang balik kat aku dan mintak nasihat percuma dari aku cara untuk betulkan balik. Didn't I tell you NOT TO in the first place? 

BH, 1 Ogos

Ini bukanlah interview pertama aku, tapi aku suka interview ini.

Kenapa?
Sebab ia ditulis oleh Chaq, Polsc BFF aku masa kat UIA dulu. It's the most selamba interview I had, that's for sure. Tapi agak canggung due to the fact aku takde buku baru. Huhu.

Oh anyway. Few facts:

1. This interview was done masa Pesta Buku Selangor arituh
2. Tudung tu tudung Dressmehappy. Layari Dressmehappy facebook page (sempat iklan)
3. Gambar aku senget tu sebab aku tengah lean at rak buku sebenarnya

4. Ayat dalam tu yang tertulis "Saya suka menulis novel yang berlainan dari tema cinta yang klise" itu silap sikit sebab saya juga adalah seorang novelis tema cinta yang klise. Tak ada bezanya. Wakakaka.

5.  Saya suka gambar bawah tu sebab saya nampak kurus dan berkulit cerah. Jelas menipu orang awam. Hahaha.

Butterflies and Hurricanes

Do you know how it feels like to be able to fly?
I do.

After three years of that numbing pain in that small place inside my heart that I was never able to heal...

Here is a story of a brokenhearted girl, who wanted to move on with her life after being stuck in a rotting senseless cycle of betrayal and misunderstandings. So she and her best friends, that have been with her since she was seven, since she was thirteen, since she was sixteen decided to start anew. An independent business. A dream they had when they were just teenagers dreaming of life while waiting for Isya' prayer in the musolla somewhere in Kuala Selangor.

So they opened a kindergarten, through a franchise that was offered to them. But as soon as they have spent thousands of dollars they barely have, they found out that the business had to shut down. The people that sold them the business had a problem they did not want to address and we had a problem that they preferred to ignore........................

We were jobless. Penniless. And Nad was pregnant at the time.

Have you ever been in a situation where you have no where to turn to? You wake up one day and feel that your life is going nowhere and that in the words of Keane, "Everybody's changing and I am still the same?"

Be thankful because you are still the same.

But not us at the time. Not me.

Have you ever worked the whole month just to see all of the money - ALL OF IT - went to pay a rental of a place you are not using?
Have you ever travel with only RM5 in your wallet, not just for the day, but for the rest of the month?
Have you ever felt that small heart attack when your phone rings and it was someone asking you to pay the bills when you know you have no money at all, not even a cent?
Have you ever tried going to someone's office and demand a meeting with them, only to have them make you wait for ages and then tell you that they don't give a damn?
Have you ever received guests in front of your house that want you to pay your debt then and there?
Have you ever been told that your company account have been blacklisted from a bank?
Have you ever been blacklisted from a bank and then being blacklisted by PTPTN all in the same week?
Have you ever had to look your parents in the eyes and feel useless?
Have you ever suffered all of this while the person/people that caused all of that just happily using your money for their own benefits, and even open the same business at the same location that you have chosen but failed to open due to their mistakes?
Have you ever had the difficulty to breathe, that every single day you feel like Sisyphus, rolling a huge rock up the mountain just to see it roll down again?
Have you ever had to experience all of that while other people move on with their life, getting married, having kids, buying houses, taking trips overseas?
Have you ever read their Facebook status, whining about trivial things that you just wanna slap their faces for being such an ungrateful human being?
Have you ever had to get a lawyer and then realised the irony, that while everybody else have husband and kids, you have a lawyer?
Have you ever been rejected by a lawyer who didn't even read your case and tell you to just forget about it and forget about the money and the effort you have made?
Have you ever - after two years, had to compile all documents and open the can of worms again and write a letter of demand?
Have you ever spent days upon days with one lawyer to another and repeat the same story over and over again?
Have you ever received a counterclaim and saw the huge amount of ridiculous demands they have upon you?
Have you ever had to go to court? Listen to these people talking shit about you and refused to acknowledge their faults in front of the judge?
Have you ever had to wait for two months, not knowing whether your effort for those three years will be a success or you will lose a case, which means that you will add more debt?

My friends and I have.

But it is also a blessing in disguise, because these three years taught me a valuable lesson. It taught me who my friends are. I learned to be thankful to be born a Muslim - where suicide is never a choice. The more pain I felt, the closer I feel to Him. Some friends joked that I have become more philosophical about my belief since this happened. But it is true. I used to be blessed with a lot of things, but I was not grateful for it.

I forgot that He gave me everything I asked for. A career as a writer. A family that understand. Best friends that I can actually call best friends.

That three years was the worst time of my life. But it was also an eye-opener.

Do you know how it feels like to be able to fly?
I do, when we won this case.

I was jumpy all morning and every time my phone rang, I felt a tiny heart attack. As soon as Miss Shirin called me and said that we won, everything becomes a blur. I felt lighter, like a giant anchor had just been lifted. I called Mun and told her, and I can hear the heavy sigh leaving her mouth. I called Nad, and I can feel the tiny wildfire of joy in her voice that she tried not to let out. I called Tim, and I can almost hear all the worries inside of her left her body.

If this was a movie, I would have been jumping up and down, screaming on top of my lungs.
But the first thing I did? I went to the internet and googled "CARA SUJUD SYUKUR YANG BETUL". And I did that for I don't know how long. I have a headache right at this moment. I think that was because I was prostrating and crying at the same time.

I will never forget every single person that have been supporting us through and through. Mum and her constant prayers, my dad that always pretended that everything is fine, kaklong that have been the "unofficial lawyer" who advised us and even came to the trial with us, Dinie that have been listening to all my problems when I needed an outside ear, Chaq that kept pushing me to let her cover the story, my relatives that have been my rock, my wall, my everything, friends and readers that have constantly been supporting me even though they have no clue what was actually going on, En. Sukari who was adamant to say nothing but the truth, Puan Jalilah that has helped us from day one...

And of course, our beloved lawyers (have you ever heard that term? "Beloved lawyers"...)
Mr. Alvin, the one who listens when other lawyers turned us away
Mr. Karamjit, whose words of encouragement have always made us feel secure. Seriously, every time he said "That's ok. No worries," I felt like truly, everything's going to be fine.
Ms. Shirin, that have been spending every waking hours working on our case, even called Mun at 5am to prepare for the trial. The one I will always remember as "the messenger of good news"
Ms. Intan, who assisted us throughout the case, teaching us things like what is a bailiff, what is an interpreter, what is an "exhibit", always with a smile on her face.

Yes, we won our case. It still feels like a dream. Alhamdulillah. God is Great.
God is Great.
God is Great.

P.s.  One of these days I am sooo gonna drop by the firm and take pictures with everybody.