SHIT (and not the Shahnon Ahmad book)

If there is one thing I cannot watch, it is "The Imaginarium of Dr Parnassus". I just can't watch Heath Ledger in his final movie. Oh do you know that Heath Ledger got his name from Heathcliff, the ever so famous anti-hero of WUTHERING HEIGHTS? Yeah, trivia for ye.

I have been busy with work this couple of days. I was assigned with some corporate translating job that has the deadline as short as people's expectation for M. Night Shyamalan's movies. So it was like, sleeping at 3am and waking up 6am to finish the thing............................. okay, I was lying about one of the two hours.

I love Mr Vea (sometimes spelled as Mr Vee or Mr V or Mr Vi - but they all means the same - my Sony VAIO laptop). Not because it's damn big-ass or that it has the best sound HD graphic evvvverrrr, but because the damn big size makes it easy for me to work. Not like I hate Mr Acer - HE has been such a friend and I have achieved a lot of things with him by my side (I mean, it was the first laptop that I bought with my own salary, so...)

Upon asking a friend about the most frequently used word that I... well... frequently use, she nonchalantly answered "Shit." No, she wasn't cussing me. It's just that it turns out that my most frequently used word nowadays is SHIT. But it's not actually SHIT. It's actually "Shhh-!"... you know, like when you wanna say Fuck and just say "Ffff..." instead. Excuse my French.

I realised it today as I was doing my daily chores - which means working, cooking something, watching the tv, work again, went to Mamak's to buy lambchop, work again and solat five times a day (like they say, even if nobody in the world like you, never make HIM hate you). I seriously use that word so many times!

Situation:

Shai wakes up in the morning and sees that she is in her room and on her bed instead of the condominium she owned and the big-ass aquarium she was cleaning in her dream, uttering in the slightest croaking of her voice, "Ah, shhhh..."

Shai groans and looks at the clock on her cellphone (people grumbling "Why the hell she still calls her mobile as 'cellphone'? So old-fashioned... so wannabe-American!"). It's not 6am. It's 11, which means she just missed her subuh and section 3's nasi lemak Senyum (or was it nasi lemak Meriah? She has been missing Sunday mornings since early 2011, she has not the ability to remember restaurants' name anymore than Jamal Abdillah remembering his lyrics.) Once again she mumbles, "Shhh."

Shai starts her laptop and realises that she still has a lot of work to be done. Oops, no shit this time. She just sighs silently and mourn another sacrificed Sunday. Mum watches MELODI on the liza (readers mumbling "Liza? Now she wants to be Cockney? Blimey!!!") and so while working, Shai also keeps her hearing intact. While listening to Liyana Jasmay trying to sound all urbany and stuff, she retorts "Sangat tak urbanlah! Shitty gila!"

Shai goes to the kitchen to get something to eat. She drops the spoon inside the rendang and goes "SSSSHHHHHHH...."

Shai keeps working on her translations. This writer will not elaborate more on how many SHIT she mumbled because at this point of time, every time Shai sees words like "lead vision 3D" or "plastic injection moulding" or "flex circuit", which means she has to check and recheck every single damning dictionary and googling every single website (how should she know about lead visions anyway?), it means more shit-mumbles.

Shai waits for the mamak to make her lambchop for effing 30 minutes and saying "shit shit shit shit shit" under her breath in the melody of the baseball game. She doesn't care that her father is in front of her, puffing his lung to oblivion. He has hearing problems. He can't hear her.

Yes. From the situation above, we may conclude that it is indeed - a truth universally acknowledged - that I shit-mumbles a lot. I really have to tone down doing that.

Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't even be blogging right now. I got tons of shitload work to do. We'll talk again soon. Till then...

Malam Ku Bermimpi

Sebenarnya aku tak faham bila aku kata "Malam tadi aku mimpi..." dan ada yang kata "Ko ni mimpi pun ko ingat. Aku jarang mimpi." 

Macam mana boleh jarang mimpi? Atau soalan utama aku ialah, macam mana boleh ada masa tidur yang tak bermimpi langsung? Aku rasa seumur hidup aku tak pernah aku tidur tak mimpi apa-apa. Even tidur 5 minit pun aku boleh bermimpi. Lepas tu orang mulalah buat cerita mengarut macam;


"Kau novelis, mestilah banyak mimpi."

Kakak aku bukan novelis, banyak je mimpi dia. Si Mun pun bukan novelis, mimpi dia kadang-kadang lagi mengarut dari aku.

Mimpi aku ada banyak jenis. Tapi sebab aku manusia normal yang juga ada mimpi erotik privacy, aku ceritakan bab mimpi-mimpi yang selalu mengganggu hidup aku.

i. Mimpi pakai tuala je.
Sudah. Aku benci gila spesis mimpi ni. Pakar tafsir mimpi (aku tak tahula kenapa orang buat kerja ni. Masa sekolah dulu bila cikgu suruh buat karangan Bahasa Melayu tentang cita-cita, apa yang diorang tulis? "Saya ingin jadi ahlil nujum"?) mengatakan bahawa mimpi tak pakai baju/tak cukup baju menandakan rasa ketidakyakinan diri.
Suka hati mak bapak diorangla amende pun diorang nak mengarut, tapi yang pasti aku benci gila mimpi pakai tuala ni. Ada sekali tu masa aku mimpi aku cuma bertuala tu, aku pandang diri sendiri pastu mumble, "Crap, mimpi ni lagi." - aku rasa subconscious aku pun dah naik fedap dengan mimpi tuala ni. Lepas tu setiap kali aku mimpi cuma bertuala tu, time tula orang2 yang muncul dalam mimpi tu semua dikenali dan yang disegani - macam Ustaz Ghazali, atau Rektor UIA Prof. Kamal Hassan, atau ada sekali tu Nik Aziz. Marah betullah aku. Korang ingat seronok ke mimpi kene pegang tuala (dahla singkat) sambil bercakap dengan watak2 ni. Yang bestnye diorang buat tak tau je, macam seolah2 aku berpakaian lengkap.

ii. Mimpi makan.
Aku tak pernah dapat makan apa yang aku nak makan tu dalam mimpi. Mestilah aku mimpi memasak bersungguh-sungguh siap letak hiasan pinggan macam dalam rancangan memasak tu, lepas tu bila aku duduk kat meja makan nak makan, mesti aku terjaga dari tidur. Damn gila.

iii. Mimpi hantu.
Aku dengan mak ada version hantu yang sama. Kitorang selalu mimpi dikejar hantu. Meaning, cam kalau dalam mimpi tu orang berkumpul ramai2 tengok orang mati terbunuh, lepas tu mestilah mayat tu bangun kejar aku punya, sampai dalam mimpi tu boleh fikir "Baik aku lari dulu. Kalau hantu ni bangun mesti aku la yang kena kejar." Aku rasa secara subconscious juga aku sendiri tau ini mimpi aku and mestila aku jadi watak utama yang kena haunt tu kan? Sheesh.
Sebab tu masa tengok filem KOWAI ONNA, semua orang pelik pehal aku takut sangat dengan hantu baju merah dalam bahagian pertama dalam filem 3 cerita tu. Sebabnya ialah hantu baju merah tu sama macam mimpi aku. Tak kira ke mana ko lari, dia mesti dapat kejar. Mungkin orang lain tak pernah mimpi macam tu, sebab tu diorang tak rasa ngeri tengok bitch merah tu.

iv. Mimpi kahwin.
Aku pernah mimpi kahwin sekali je seumur hidup. Dalam dewan. Pakai baju warna biru keunguan (gila hodoh warna tu). Hah, mimpi la aku nak cakap aku mimpi kahwin dengan siapa.

v. Mimpi horror.
Yes, ia dikira berbeza dengan mimpi hantu. Sebab mimpi hantu aku boleh deal. Mimpi horror bagi aku ialah balik ke SMKAKS dan belajar math. Atau kena hantar kerja rumah math. Atau Cikgu Sham suruh selesaikan masalah math kat papan putih (walaupon in real life Cikgu Sham ajar Prinsip Akaun). Setiap kali aku terbangun dari mimpi matematik ni, aku rasa gembira sangat sebab semua tu hanya mimpi, macam hidup baru (dramatik).

vi. Recurring dreams
Ada banyak recurring dreams ni. Antaranya...
a) mimpi tepi laut waktu sunset ada lelaki rambut panjang tak berbaju mengadap laut. silhouette.
One of these days aku nak tetapkan hati aku supaya kalau aku mimpi ni lagi, aku nak pergi dekat mamat tu dan tanya apa masalah dia asik masuk dalam mimpi aku.
b) mimpi lain2 tapi lokasi yang sama : kat abandoned subway
tak, bukan subway sandwich tu. subway like dalam THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 tula. Berapa kali dah aku mimpi subway kosong tu. Ada sekali tu aku mimpi slashing zombie bersama Dean and Sam Winchester (macam blasphemous pun ada gak perasaannya... hahaha). Ada sekali tu aku mimpi subway tu terbakar and semua yang keluar tu jadi arang dan kejar aku.................................. eh aku rasa ni mimpi ngeri la sebenarnya. Hahahaha.
c) mimpi lain2 tapi lokasi yang sama : pondok
pondok tu dekat jalan terpencil, sekeliling dia rose bush, ada titi depan pondok tu yang menyeberang small creek. Aku rasa ada dalam tiga empat kali aku mimpi tempat ni. Adakah sebenarnya Ariadne telah membuat architecture mimpi aku dan Leonardo DiCaprio tengah nak incept ideas? Great!!!!! :D
e) mimpi lain2 tapi lokasi yang sama : water park
Rupa dia cam Desa Waterpark tapi lebih besar dan aku tak pernah dapat mandi kat situ. Mesti aku terjaga sebelum sempat aku ganti baju. Dem gile.

vii. Mimpi yang aku alami masa kecik tapi tak pernah aku lupa
a) mimpi Aniza.
Aniza ni kawan aku masa darjah tiga. Satu2nya sebab aku ingat nama dia (dia bukan bestfriend aku pon) adelah kerana pernah sekali masa darjah tiga tu, aku mimpi kitorang ramai2 lari dari rumah berhantu dan dah masuk kereta (ya, mimpi aku start dengan ending). Tapi Aniza tertinggal kat belakang sambil bawak roti Gardenia. Aku tak nak tinggalkan dia so aku turun dari kereta untuk tarik tangan dia suruh cepat sikit. Tapi bila aku keluar je dari kereta, diorang tak tunggu aku dan terus blah. Bila aku pusing Aniza tak ada pun. So aku pun tertinggal kat rumah hantu tu sensorang. Shit gila (masa tu aku 9 tahun, aku tak tahu perkataan shit ni).
b) mimpi orang asap
aku mimpi ni masa era jerebu teruk tahun 2000 dulu. Aku mimpi aku jalan-jalan kat area perumahan aku dekat2 dengan masjid shah alam yang serba feymes tu (wakaka). Tetibe aku nampak tiga cyclone kecik bergerak dari arah muzium shah alam, berhenti depan masjid and bertukar jadi tiga orang asap. Korang bayangkan patung Akademi Fantasia tu tapi dalam bentuk asap, macam tula rupa dia. Tiga orang asap tu jalan ke arah aku sebelum tiba2 ada kereta polis datang depan aku dan bapak aku yang berada dalam kereta polis tu suruh aku masuk dan lepas tu diorang blah dari situ.

Mimpi aku ni macam mimpi orang ada bela hantu raya kan? Hahahahahahahahaha....
(sori la, aku tak jumpa conclusion yang proper)

Oh ye, aku sangat teringin nak tengok filem Higuchinsky "Long Dream" yang diadapt dari komik Junji Ito. Mana nak cari wehhhhh~

Oh! Letak hadis lah!

Diriwayatkan daripada Abu Hurairah r.a katanya: Dari Nabi s.a.w. Baginda bersabda: Apabila Kiamat semakin dekat, mimpi seorang muslim hampir tidak dusta. Mimpi salah seorang di antara kamu yang paling dekat dengan kebenaran adalah mimpi orang yang paling jujur dalam berbicara. Mimpi seorang muslim adalah satu daripada empat puluh lima bahagian kenabian. Mimpi itu sendiri terbahagi kepada tiga aspek iaitu: Mimpi baik, adalah khabar gembira yang datang dari Allah. Mimpi sedih, adalah mimpi yang datang dari syaitan. Kemudian mimpi yang datang dari bisikan diri sendiri, iaitu jika salah seorang di antara kamu bermimpi yang tidak menyenangkan, maka hendaklah beliau bangun dari tidur lalu mengerjakan sembahyang dan dikehendaki jangan beliau ceritakan mimpi tersebut kepada manusia. Baginda bersabda lagi: Aku sangat menyukai seutas tali dan tidak menyukai sebuah belenggu. Tali adalah lambang keteguhan dalam beragama.

Soklan dan Jopan

1. Apa yang anda buat kalau anda tahu member anda tikam dari belakang?
Aku tau ada member yang tengah tikam aku dari belakang. Aku biarkan je sebab aku belum ada mood nak balas. (*senyum angelic*)

2. 6 orang di hati anda?
Kalau aku sebut nama diorang bukannya korang tertarik atau kenal pun. Leonardo DiCaprio la paling kenal pun. Ha.

3. Anda rasa anda comel?
Orang yang perasan comel, tak boleh buat lawak perasan comel. Jadi untuk meneruskan tradisi lawak perasan comel aku, aku secara rasminya mengakui in real life, aku tak comel. Konpius?

4. Single or taken?
Taken by singledom.

5. Blog yang anda suka?
Blog yang aku suka, aku link-kan ke blog aku.

6. Adakah bilik anda kemas setiap hari?
Hahahahahahahahahaha. Aku wanita yang busy dan suka tido.

7. Latest text mesej?
"Oi aku taula ko novelis femes. susah sgt ke nk jwb call?"

8. Last phone call?
Aku tak ingat dah sebab aku banyak sangat tak jawab call nowadays disebabkan busy.

9. Hari terakhir anda menangis?
Satu hari tu aku terpegang plug laptop aku yang rupanya terkeluar dan mengalami kejutan elektrik yang dahsyat. Kaki aku rasa semacam sampai air mata aku termengalir plak.

10. List 5 warna kegemaran ?
Aku dah tak ada warna kegemaran. Tetapi semenjak dua menjak ni aku asik membeli stuff yang berwarna merah gelap, torquoise, putih, hitam dan ungu. Go figure.

11. Orang terakhir anda berYm?
Shikin Shukor. Borak dahla pasal tesis dia plak tu. Dah lama aku tak brainstorming.

12. Anda peminat MCR?
Ni tahun berapa dah? Aku suka lagu Helena je.

13. Apa perasaan anda bila jawab tag ni?
Tag adalah sesuatu yang aku buat bila aku malas nak fikir untuk tulis blog elok2.

14. Anda rasa tag ni best?
Biase je

Kisah Hari Khamis

Hari Khamis adalah hari yang sangat aneh.

Dua jam lepas melambabai (aku shortened-kan melambai dengan babai. yes perosak bahasa I am) Mun yang pulang ke rumah (lepas tumpang tido di rumah aku after balik dari screening THE RITE), Mun telefon aku semula dan tanya kalau aku free.


"Kita kena pergi jumpa auditor. Aku nak pergi sendiri tapi kena ada dua signature." katanya.
"Auditor kat mana?" tanya aku.
"Jalan Masjid India."

Owwwkeeeeey. KL at 4pm.

Pergi City One Plaza dan terus ke Semua House untuk jumpa auditor. Sementara menunggu Sanjay sampai, kitorang dipekakkan telinga dengan perbualan sekeliling kat kedai mamak tu. It was madness. Aku tak faham kenapa semua orang perlu bercerita sekuat-kuat hati dalam restoran yang memang bergema.

Lepas selesai hal audit semua tu (whoa, terbang lagi duit), singgahlah tengok-tengok baju kat Semua House tu. Aku ingatkan Mun supaya kalau dia perlu ke sini lagi (member nan seorang itu selalu ke area tu untuk business cateringnya) untuk ajak aku sekali sebab aku nak beli some salwar kameez yang gila gorgeous. Instead, Mun ajak aku pi tengok kat Plaza City One yang gila gamaknya sungguh murah dan cantik. FYI, aku bukanlah manusia yang paling suka bershopping di dunia (pekerjaan aku yang tak menentu ini menentukan tahap pembelian aku harus rasional), tapi memang sungguhlah rasa sakit jantung menengok baju yang cantik2 itu.

In the end cik salesgirl meyakinkan aku untuk membeli churidar Pakistan yang baru di-smuggle dari Islamabad (aku tipu bab smuggle dari Islamabad, tapi memang baru amikla) yang dijual dengan harga RM190 dan diturunkan harga sampai RM120 - the shalwar, the churi dan selendangnya sekali. Lepas beli aku mengalami sindrom shopaholic (aku bukan shopaholic la yang pentingnya) di mana aku persoalkan "Bila aku nak pakai baju ni ponnnn?"

Kalau korang jumpa aku kat wedding Bitun berpakaian seperti foreigner, paham-paham jela.

Lepas beli tu kitorang stuck dalam traffic jam. Mun menjelaskan kepada aku bahawasanya dia tak ingat apa-apa tentang filem yang kitorang tengok semalam selain the fact dia rasa editor aku nampak lebih bergaya masa  dia berambut panjang (tak, itu bukan babak dalam filem tu). Kitorang stop kat Tesco Shah Alam sebab Mun kena buat sticker untuk catering dengan si Aik Yong. Lelaki cina yang sungguh talkative itu bercerita tak henti-henti dengan kitorang sampai pada satu saat dia tersedar yang dia rupa2nya terbagitau rahsia customer dia kat kitorang (dengan exclamation point "Aiyark! I tak sepatutnya bagitau kau orang benda tu!"). Sebagai menghormati bisnes dia dan sebagai menghormati Aik Yong sebagai insan yang sangat baik hati, aku tak ceritakanlah apa rahsia yang dia beritau kitorang tu.

Aku pi tengok2 orang meniaga household appliances kat tengah2 TESCO tu sementara Mun melayankan si Aik Yong, dan masa aku tengah check out cleaning appliance, tauke dia datang dan explain panjang lebar kat aku fasal benda tu sambil mengeluarkan mop and tunjuk cara mengelap lantai guna mop dia tu. Last2 aku beli pengelap tu sebab uncle tu penat lap lantai menerangkan bersungguh2 kat aku.

On the way nak keluar dari TESCO (ketika aku tengah cuba suruh Mun ingatkan aku to never again berborak dengan mana2 uncle yang jual household appliances), one old Indian dude tegur aku and tanya sama ada aku student UIA, sebab dia kata muka aku familiar.

Entah kenapa tetiba kitorang sume end up berborak. Pak cik India beragama Islam itu adalah pemilik restoran mamak kat Shah Alam. Walaupon aku ada tulis namanya di FB, di sini biarlah kita kenalinya sebagai Nana Patekar (sempena nama pelakon Bollywood yang aku rasa paling real di India).

Nana Patekar bila difikirkan adalah seorang pedant - dia ada komen dan kritikan bagi setiap perkara. Ia juga membuatkan aku terfikir, aku mungkin perlu mandi bunga untuk mensucikan diri aku dari asik terjumpa pedantis. Tapi dalam masa yang sama aku juga rasa ada sesetengah perkara yang dia katakan tu betul. Tapi memandangkan aku wanita yang suka menentang tapi malas nak bertekak, aku dengar saja la apa yang dia cakapkan. Antaranya:


"Kopitiam makes 400% profit from selling the same thing a mamak restaurant sells, but with higher price." (TRUE).
"Restoran mamak tak mau buat macam tu sebab kata kesian orang yang lower class income yang selalu datang minum kat kedai mamak. There is no need for sense of pity in business." (I BEG TO DIFFER - do you know why sesetengah chinese business sangat maju nowadays? Ironically, they do what Rasulullah did thousand of years ago. They tell you the truth (or at least, make you believe them). If everybody wants to do what Kopitiams did, they will be bankrupt in 5 years time because they don't understand the first basic thing about telling the truth.)
"A woman will say bad things about a guy from experience. They will also make up rules about relationship based on a failed one." (TRUE)

Sepatutnya kitorang balik pukul 8, but instead kitorang balik pukul 10.45 sebab berborak. Hell, I serrrriously do not want to turn into my dad.

Bila fikir balik, aku tak pasti sama ada sebenarnya memang aku ni orang yang muka familiar yang dia cakapkan tu sebab seingat aku masa aku kat UIA, aku masih lagi gemuk, selekeh dan tidak pernah mekap walau secalit. Even kawan-kawan UIA yang jumpa aku semula lepas lama tak jumpa tak kenal aku sekali pandang. Aku rasa Nana Patekar itu salah orang maaaaa.

Oh anyway, this pic dibawah ini dipostkan sebab Cik Jis kita yang jelita nak tahu tentang churidar yang ku beli di Plaza City One itu.

 

It's all about the movies

Sure. Aku tak ada idea nak tulis apa dalam blog and while reading Amir's book "120 MALAY MOVIES", aku teringat ada satu draft entry about movies aku tak published. So, I rewrite again, and here it is:

(sebenarnya kalau nak dilist-kan, aku tak rasa 3 for each category cukup, tapi kalau panjang2 nanti korang muak nak baca).

1. FILEM YANG AKU TAK BOLEH TENGOK SEBAB MENGGANGGU EMOSI AKU
(why God why???)

i. Grave of the Fireflies (1988)
- seriously. Sampai sekarang pun aku masih sebut aiskrim as "aisekeriiimu" disebabkan Setsuko. She's just too adorable that when she died, I hated the Americans.

ii. Singapura Dilanggar Todak (1961)
The movie shows how sikap berdengki orang melayu sangatlah teruk, to the extent they kill a young boy just because he seems like a bright kid to come up with the solution on how to elakkan diri dari kena sambar todak. When they throw Hang Nadim (played by Allahyarham Bat Latiff) chained to the rock into the sea, I just can't bear to watch it. Kudos to Bat for his horrifying scream.

iii. Ibu Mertuaku (1962)
If your MIL is one heartless bitch, do you think that cucuk mata sendiri dengan garfu is a wise decision? Shouldn't you be gouging HER eyes instead? He was being sardonic, you know. Like, "My God, woman! You are so annoying I'd rather be blind then be you son-in-law." But then again, you should just say it, not spray it!

2. WEIRDEST FILMS I HAVE EVER WATCHED
(2 of them comes from Japan... they're a weird bunch)

i. Uzumaki (2000)
Okay, so I'm gonna be annoying and say that the manga was better. But Uzumaki memang the type of movie that makes you go "What the F----". How screwed up Junji Ito as a mangaka, to be scaring people with such mundane stuff like a spiral? FYI, you will be very aware of the existence of everything spiralling in your life after watching this movie.

ii. The Human Centipede (2010)
Like i have bebel about it before, cerita tentang mad scientist yang nak his own human pet and torture people to be one - it's very Junji Ito-ish but at the same time, very European. Can you imagine what Junji Ito would do if he lives in the Third Reich era?

iii. Marebito (2004)
Takashi Shimizu's more 'meaningful' horror just made me go "Heh?" but at the same time, aku tak dapat keep my eyes away from the screen. Macam kena sumpah tengok cerita ni sampai habis and think "Can't the dude just give the girl some decent clothes to wear, and not his blood?"

4. FILEM2 MELAYU YANG PALING KELAKAR (in a positive way)
(comedy cara terbaik untuk sindir orang)

i. Seniman Bujang Lapok (1961)
Seniman Bujang Lapok makes fun of almost everything from the fact that drama purba buat skrip mengarut (makan belacan pun kene ceraikan - like how the king execute the girl for eating his fruit dalam "Sultan Mahmud Mangkat Dijulang") to the fact girls just don't like clingy guys ("Jaga2 Cik Salmah!".

ii. Man Laksa (2006)
Man Laksa is like reading Lat's comic. You have to watch and observe everything in one frame. Nothing cracks me up more than seeing how big the flower on Apek's batik shirt just because he's the leader of the AJKs and then Man pakai bunga tu after watak Apek pengsan. So much fuss about the flower, macam politician Malaysia rebut kuasa.

iii. Ali Baba Bujang Lapok (1960)
Sindiran tentang isu labor, dan sangat banyak worthy quotes dalam filem ni, like "Kami tak boleh kerja Ahad, sebab Ahad public holiday" or the fact that the rich man mintak dirompak sebab dia tak nak bayar cukai (he must be heavily insured).

5. FILEM2 MELAYU YANG PALING KELAKAR (not in a positive way)
(they made my home video looks like art)

i. Rahsia Hatiku (1970s)
Sinema Malaysia put the tarikh tayangan sebagai 1959. Kepala otak die ahhh. Citer ni dah tahun 70-an - boleh dilihat dari seluar diorang dan the fact that Sharifah Hanim dah tua sikit dan masih tak pandai berlakon. Almost everybody tak pandai berlakon dan kalau nak tahu apakah itu 'macam kayu' - this movie can be the best reference. Imagine a sick dying kid pura2 batuk every few seconds and go "Kak, saya sakit kak." dengan nada suara yang tak sakit langsung. I don't even know what the plot is all about. It seems that the movie was so mesmerised by the fact that they're in colour, that the only thing colourful in this movie are the clothes, and not the actors. The acting is first and foremost - black and white (range of emotion ges from too happy or too sad and nothing in between)

ii. Cinta Fotokopi (2005)
Here's the art of mengangkang in a movie. You be slutty in an art movie, your sluttiness is an art. But be slutty in a Razak Mohaideen's movie, and the next five years people will only remember you as the poor girl who makes drag queens look more graceful. Zarina AF, I believe, has learned her lesson.

iii. Mendam Berahi (2002)
Where do I start? Rita Rudaini would cringe and burn this movie. Eizlan Yusof would do the same. The model who became actress in this movie? Anybody knows where she is? Poor poor girl. Nothing attracts more laughter than tengok scene di mana the girls merangkak atas pasir pantai di tempat luas terbuka sambil memakai baju askar di siang hari for everybody to see. That is as irrelevant as Pierre Andre bukak tingkap dan bumbung, only to trap the evil inside a bottle dalam "Jangan Pandang Belakang".

6. FILEM ASIA YANG BUAT AKU NAK THROW UP
(practically, bukan literally)

i. Ong-Bak 2 & 3 (Thai)
Ong Bak patut stop pada first movie je. Tony Jaa (who looks like Fizz Fairuz' more muscled twin) can't really act. That's why he finally quit. Those two movies sangat teruk if you remove all the fight scene.

ii. Burn (Thai)
Filem horror thriller yang tak tahu sama ada dia nak jadi horror, thriller, artsy fartsy atau 'based-on-true-story'. Kalau hell itu boleh diterjemahkan - hell would be sitting in a room with cockroaches sambil TV tunjuk filem Burn berulang kali.

iii. Jeritan Kuntilanak (Ind)
The only thing that I can remember horrifying about this movie is the size of Jupe's boobs. It must be hard to act with her and NOT try to look at it.

7. FILEM YANG AKU TENGOK BERKALI2 DAN STILL TAK RASA NAK MUNTAH
(some movies are just classic)

i. Gone with the Wind (1939)
Kalau aku gush about this movie one more time, you guys will puke.

ii. Pride and Prejudice (2005)
Matthew Macfadyen. Looking at him tak pernah membosankan aku, except when he was in "In My Father's Den". Sila kurus balik, Mr Darcy.

iii. The Dark Knight (2008)
Tak perlu penjelasan. It's like trying to explain why the sky is blue or why the Everest is tall.

8. HORROR GEMS
(there's something about the Brits)

i. Eden Lake (2008)
British movie! Seriously, at first I thought "Damn, another crappy horror with shrilly woman protagonist." Wrong. EL sangat gooooood in a sense that bukan sahaja anda rasa terrified, tapi marah and geram at the same time. I mean, if you think teenagers are annoying, wait till you meet teenagers that burn other teenager's head. Damn hooligans.

ii. The Descent (2005)
British movie! Boring first 15 minutes and then suddenly hentaman monsters!!!!! Damn gile. Then movie number 2 keluar and you think "Sequel... blaaah." But no. Hentaman monsters!!!!!! The cave monster is one of my nightmare other than the white thing from "Marebito" dan the red bitch dalam "Kowai Onna".

iii. [REC] (2007)
Spanish movie! Europeans are the best at violence. I mean, benua mana yang paling banyak peperangan? 30 Years of War, 100 Years of War, Perang Dunia, Perang Salib... heck Scandinavians might look like the most peaceful people, but have you read any stories about the Vikings? Norwegians makes good horror too! I mean, if Grecian and Roman gods tak ada kerja lain selain punish people and gaduh sesama sendiri, imagine the people. That's what makes them so good at making horror movies.

9. WHY LEO MAKES ME WANT TO KISS THE SILVER SCREEN
(he needs a malay girl, seriously)

i. Catch Me If You Can (2002)
Biasanya aku tak berapa go sangat dengan filem Spielberg, tapi this one is an exception. Leo made me want to marry a pilot, a doctor or a lawyer. Yes, dalam aturan itu.

ii. Body of Lies (2009)
"He had me at Assalamualaikum"... damn, kalau itu je sebab orang jatuh cinta dengan foreigner, patutlah negara Islam asik kene bom je. Hahahahaha.

iii. The Man In the Iron Mask (1998)
Sebenarnya aku suka filem ni sebab ada Jeremy Irons and John Malkovich. Only years later I thought that hey the dude yang main Titanic and Romeo and Juliet tu sebenarnya boleh tahan gak ye? I used to hate Leo because he was too famous. I mean, do you see me drool over Jay Chou nowadays? That is because he is too darn popular now, liking him is meaningless. I used to like him when he was just a skinny lad from Linkou. who plays mean cello.

10. WHY CHRISTOPHER NOLAN MAKES ME WANT TO KISS THE SILVER SCREEN
(because he's a geunine genius, that's why)

i. Memento (2000)
There is one Aamir Khan movie yang tiru cerita ni (of course "inspired by", because Bolly directors tak pernah rasa diri diorang plagiat). But Memento still the best just because of the narration and technique penceritaan that makes you go "Oooooooowwwww..."

ii. Inception (2010)
Nolan plus Leo plus Page plus Cotillard plus Gordon-Levitt plus Hans Zimmer punya tracks, ini je movie dengan star-studded cast yang aku rasa tak suck big time. Kalau cuma ada Nolan dan Leo je pun aku rasa dah cukup. I am so biased about this movie, I can hit those who think it stupid.

iii. The Dark Knight (2008)
Tak perlu penjelasan.

11. NON-P.RAMLEE MOVIES
(bukan P.Ramlee je yang pandai buat filem in the 60s)

i. Singapura Dilanggar Todak (1961)
Movie ini menunjukkan everything that is wrong with bangsa melayu. I wonder if any of us learn anything from it? Or even watch it?

ii. Anak Buluh Betung  (1966)
It's just so damn cool the fact that buluh tu pregnant with a kid. Hahahahahaha.

iii. Dayang Senandung (1965)
Not to be mistaken with the drama kat TV3, this movie ada Sarimah playing black girl - racist kalau difikirkan... tapi different than DANDAN SETIA (where the girl direbutkan  bila dia putih balik), the prince actually loves Dayang despite her charcoal darkness (maybe sebab dia baca Quran sedap, or maybe sebab putera tu tau behind that colour is actually Sarimah).

12. FAVOURITE MOVIES YANG BUAT AKU RASA MEN ARE SEXIST SEBAB RASA IT'S WEIRD THAT A WOMAN LIKES IT
(sejak bila pulak movies ada gender stratification kan?)

i. Pulp Fiction (1994)
Samuel L. Jackson using the word motherfucker. And great soundtrack. That does it for me. "Say what again. I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker." <- donnit sound romantic?

ii. The Godfather (1972)
Satu-satunya filem Marlon Brando yang aku tengok (*cue my dad not approving it. He thinks you should watch all Brando movies*). Aku memang suka dengar cara Sicilian mafia bercakap, that's that. Why do you think I watch BOARDWALK EMPIRE macam orang hisap dadah?

iii. The Magnificent Seven (1960)
Remake of Akira Kurosawa's "7 Samurai" tapi dalam bentuk koboi. Ada Yul Brynner pun dah cukup meyakinkan aku - the sexiest baldy, hands down. Have you seen him play King Mongkut? Damn hot. Kalaulah X-Men wujud tahun tu, Brynner would have been a great Professor X.

13. THE ONLY LIGHT TEEN MOVIES WORTH WATCHING
(Or maybe because I love Tina Fey, Emma Stone and Heath Ledger. I can be biased...)

i. Mean Girls (2004)
"It's just high school." kinda wraps up the whole movie. A conclusion. And the girl who says that she's not a slut but she just has a wide vagina to the principal buat aku tersembur.

ii. 10 Things I Hate About You (1999)
Adapting "Taming of the Shrew" and casting Heath Ledger as Patrick Verona sudah cukup untuk menjadikan filem ni worth watching, sekalipun the late Heath kata it was not his cup of tea.

iii. Easy A (2010)
I think this is more watchable than "The Scarlett Letter" with Demi Moore.

14. STUPIDEST "ADAPTATIONS"
(don't bother la kalau nak mengarut2)

i. The Other Boleyn Girl (2008)
New Yorkers playin Brits? I rest my case.

ii. The Confession of a Shopaholic (2009)
I just don't understand it. I mean, Sophie Kinsella is one of the writer untuk the movie tapi kenapa it was bad?  Tak chic, lost its tongue-in-cheek, dan jadi sgt cliche.

iii. Bride & Prejudice (2004)
Oyh, don't try untuk Bollywood-kan PNP boleh tak? Aishwarya terlalu cantik untuk jadi Elizabeth dan too preachy jugak. The Bolly songs yang dinyanyikan dalam english sounds teruk gila, apatah lagi Baywatch babes yang menari ala Bollywood di tepi laut. I stil have nightmares about it.


15. MOVIES THAT SPEAKS TO ME
(because it is so damn true!)

i. Particles of Truth (2003)
"I am so bored I'm depressed, I'm so depressed I'm bored." - and that quote from Elster sudah cukup. Cuma sedih je the next big thing for Gale Howard was playing Susan Mayer's lover in "Desperate Housewives". How can you go from POT to THAT?

ii. Stranger Than Fiction (2006)
"Running into your insurance agent the day your policy expires is coincidence. Getting a letter from the Emperor saying he's visiting is a plot. Having your house eaten by a wrecking ball.... is something else entirely."
The movie satisfy me as a writer, a translator, a reviewer and as a person.

iii. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
"I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours."
I just want the machine. I want it I want it I want it I want it I want it.

16. AWARD WINNING MOVIES THAT MADE ME GO "I DON'T GET IT."
(everything is political)

i. The Kids Are All Right (2010)
It's very Hallmark-drama. You turn it gay and suddenly it's award worthy? Script-wise, acting-wise maybe, but the plot is just so-so.

ii. Magika (2010)
I watch it once and I fell asleep. It reminds me of a pantomime I wrote when I was in form 3 about Batu Belah Batu Bertangkup. Goes to show it's a lame idea - I ALREADY DID THIS!!!

iii. Evolusi KL Drift 2 (2010)
I just don't understand anymore, man... It was so Bade meets Yusof Haslam. And it makes me think, how can these kind of movies dapat sampai 7 ke 8 juta? Berapa banyak mat rempit dalam Malaysia ni sebenarnya?

It's been a hard day's night...

Demi menunjukkan tahap busy aku, aku post the same entry in all blogs.

Busy week it was since last Saturday.

SATURDAY
Finishing the last of my work for the week before that. Tidur pukul 4 pagi. Disebabkan minggu lepas Kong Hey Fat Choy dan HBO tak mainkan original series diorang, aku tak dapat my dose of BOARDWALK EMPIRE and boy how me cranky...

SUNDAY
Mak masih membebel about the whole interview with SAFIYYA, worrying because our house looks like a shipwreck. The problem is, mum's too uptight about it when it is actually fine. She has to learn to laugh at herself. That's how I see it. I'm still single at 28 - haha. I live in a crappy home - haha. My life sucks so bad, it's an enigma - haha. See? We don't need to be all positive and say everything's gonna be fine or that there is beauty in everything. We don't need to be positive. All we need is a sense of humour. So I went to the backroom, get a box and start filling it up with all the junks that is thrown all around the house, And it's not JUNK junk. It's more like stuff people don't throw away - like origamis my sister made two years before or a piece from a shattered robot toy. Just, you know... stuff.

MONDAY
The boss called and said that the TV network has yet to update the software for subtitling so I didn't need to go to the office. All I need to do is go to her house and pick some work. Mun called and said she's bored and ajak makan ice cream at the same time I said yes to finish a rush job my boss gave me to be finished before 6pm. Mun had to wait for me to finish it before we went to Alam Sentral - buying stuff from Nagoya, buying tudung from the pushcarts, and makan aiskrim at the Steamboat restaurant or whatever the name was. Malam tu siapkan kerja lagi - a whole lot of sinetron. Then remembered it's my editor's birthday tomorrow and sent an SMS. Slept like a log.

TUESDAY
Hantar my review to CO then finish another episode of SAFA DAN MARWAH. I seriously think there is something wrong with the scriptwriter. I mean, what's with the whole old woman chasing after a young girl and beg her for forgiveness by hugging her from the back or standing in the rain, saying things like "Ibu gak boleh hidup tanpa kamu."... even that lesbian movie THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT weren't THAT gay. Ludicrous.

WEDNESDAY
Try to finish two sinetron episodes at one go, while at the same time cleaning up the house. I had to cancel a lot of plans and rejected a few calls because I just can't be bothered. Pinat asked me to go to a press preview on Thursday - and it's an Anthony Hopkins movie. God dammit, I want to but of all the things I can do, canceling a TV show is not one of them. Went to buy groceries that night, watch HANTU KAK LIMAH BALIK RUMAH, then bake a cake. I seriously need a new oven. My oven is busted.

THURSDAY
Getting ready for the interview. Had a quirky interesting time seeing how the whole interview works. Part of the shoot is in the house, part at Dataran Shah Alam, part kedai buku section 7. It will be shown on SAFIYYA TV9 in March, as Kak Farah said. Will inform the actual date when informed meself. (Funny thing though, they ask me to do this one scene where I pretend I am doing my work on the laptop, and instead I ACTUALLY do my work while they're filming. I finish a chapter at that. If you see that clip on the show later on, do note that I was ACTUALLY working, not acting like I was).
Then after the show, I fell asleep on the couch like I have never slept before. The one who was worse than me was dad - he slept all the way to oblivion. Later that day, Pinat nudge me again on YM and asked me to go to the press preview for the movie SANCTUM on Friday. I said yes faster than you can spell SANCTUM (I needed to get out from Shah Alam, and the only way to do that without wasting money is if I have a job to do OUTSIDE Shah Alam). Malam pi beli lambchop to celebrate the end of an era (aku saja2 guna ayat macam best)

FRIDAY
I nearly did not wake up to go to my press preview. But I did anyway, and arrived there at 10am. I didn't think it was THAT long from the press preview I did before, but that coffee place at South Court of Mid Valley? THE DOME? Yeah, suddenly it turned into ESPRIT.......................... so weird. Went home as soon as the movie ends, write the review and here we are, finally updating the blogs after some time. I still have some sinetron episodes I need to finish but for now, I just want to sleep.

*terminology: for you out there that are new to my blog, PRESS PREVIEW is when a movie is shown to a bunch of media people (or a freelance movie reviewer like yours truly) before it is released nationwide, so that we can tell you people if you should go and watch that movie or not. Usually I will update my reviews on that top right corner of my blog (on the RELATED NEWS section).

Desiresssssssssss

Saya mahu:

a) Siapkan "AKN 2" before PWTC bookfair next year. Tapi masalahnya semua benda pon tengah banyak untuk dibuat (Ya Allah, BM aku makin lama makin teruk macam BI aku....)

b) makan asikrim jagung dengan sprinkled nuts.

c) baring2 tak buat apa2. tapi keje banyak untuk diselesaikan.

d) Nak buat short stories untuk TC, tapi nak memikirkan short stories bila otak ko otak novel, sgt susah. rasa macam buat sinopsis novel je.

e) Nak tengok CONTAGION. Ada Matt Damon, ada Kate Winslet ANDDDDD Jennifer Ehle. But truth be told, usually star-studded cast menghasilkan movie yg tak best. Cam THE EXPENDABLES. Yucks.

f) Aku dah seminggu tak tengok THE WALKING DEAD ATAU BOARDWALK EMPIRE. Sangat. Ketagih. Dan. Rasa. Rimas. Nak tengooooook~

g) Nak beli dvd HOUSE Season 7. AXN bodo.

h) Nak pergi umah bos amik cd. Pakalla bos umah dekat.

i) bilik aku kemas seperti dulu. T_T sangat sedih tgk the state of my room after the whole living room spring cleaning yesterday.

j) nak busykan diri sepanjang tahun supaya lebih banyak wang masyuk dari wang keluar.

Oyeah!

25 things

Tag ini dipanggil 25 random things about me. Bear with me eyh?

1. Sangat suka aiskrim jagung dengan nut sprinkles. Especially kalau kat tepi laut atau kat air terjun.

2. I prefer gangster movies rather than rom coms because I usually watch the TV with dad or with my brothers. Not that I hate romcoms, I just prefer the other one.

3. Benci nak jawab phone. I can't think on the phone. I can't see the person calling me so I can't make any decisions about anything. I make decisions based on people's reaction. When I can't see them, I can't predict their reaction.

4. Sekalipun aku buat love stories, idola aku dalam penulisan adalah Stephen King. Penulisannya sangat kreatif and pop-culture-ish dan tak terlalu narrative dan formulaic. He just ram the rules.

5. Tapi kalau penulisan chic, aku suka Jane Austen. She's a social critic and not a preachy one at that.

6. I have a guitar but it collects dust now.

7. I have two laptops. One is an Acer - the old one and where I do all my reviews. The other one is my new Sony VAIO where I write my novels, my subtitles and watch movies.

8. I don't like answering trivial questions like "Dah makan?" "Kerja kat mana?" "Adik beradik berapa orang?" You can read it on my FB so stop asking stupid stuff and waste my precious time. At least be creative if you want to ask. But who's gonna spend time trying to be creative to ask if I have eaten or not, eyh?

9. Aku sangat suka lagu Bruno Mars "Just The Way You Are" version Kinna Granis.

10. I don't like clingy guys. See reason 8 and 3.

11. I still do movie reviews because I love it when I am paid to watch a movie instead of the other way around

12. I don't like friends masuk campur urusan peribadi unless I ask them to or I'm willing to talk about it. But if I just give you the I-don't-want-to-talk-about-it, well..... don't.

13. I don't like fashion that much. But I like Tyra Banks' theory of cinch and snatch.

14. My motto is "I am a writer, I have a license to be vulgar."

15. Sangat suka makan daging kambing dan ikan salmon. Kalau aku bertukar jadi zombie, aku rasa aku jadi zombie yang serang kambing.

16. Masa amik ujian kerjaya, kaunselor sekolah aku kata aku paling sesuai jadi model, komposer atau penulis lirik. Hahahahahahaha. Mana ada orang jadi model sebab theoretically she thinks like one.

17. Aku percaya "If you love someone set him free..." tapi aku tak percaya "...if he comes back he's yours."

18. Sangat gilakan BOARDWALK EMPIRE dan THE WALKING DEAD sekarang ni.

19. Aku bersaudara dengan............................................ neh, let's forget about it. Pointless unless aku nak buat orang benci aku macam orang benci dia. And I am not talking about Fasha Sandha. Hahaha.

20. Orang yang tak berapa kenal aku tak akan boleh bezakan bila masa aku jujur dan bila masa aku sarkastik.

21. Aku tak suka ceritakan sinopsis novel aku. Sebab aku tau the degree of truth and lies in the characters of my novel, so kalau orang suruh aku bagi sinopsis novel, aku tak pasti macam mana nak cerita yang tak buat aku nampak macam orang yang gila.

22. Kucing aku bernama Phibun Songkram, mengambil nama Presiden Thailand suatu masa dahulu.

23. Kalau aku tidur awal, aku stressed. Biasanya aku tidur pukul 4 pagi. Atau lepas Subuh.

24. Lidah manis. Kalau orang masak tawar, aku cannot accept. Kalau aku masak, I would not convince health freaks to eat it.

25. Aku ada karakter setiap watak HIMYM. Aku insufferable know-it-all macam Ted, suka theorise macam Barney, have weird things in my purse macam Robin, sangat percaya pada kebaikan orang to the point of naive macam Marshall dan selalu bagi relationship advice but never follow them macam Lily.