Shit my dad says... (sempena hari bapa)

Instead of going the usual way, I am going to list down the coolest shit my dad said over the years:

1. "Ayah tanya orang buta tu, tak susah ke jalan malam2 ni. Orang buta tu menyindir, "Orang buta macam saya ni tak ada bezanya siang dan malam, encik". Ayah tanya sebab risau, kalau dia jatuh masuk longkang ke, takde sapa nampak dan tolong sebab dah malam. Dia sindir ayah pulak. Kang ayah tendang orang buta tu kang, baru dia tau." (my dad's rant regarding this one blind man he met).

2. "Hang Tuah bawak lari Tun Teja untuk sultan, naik kapal selama 40 hari 40 malam. Dia kan lelaki. Apa benda lagi dia nak buat dalam kapal selama 40 hari tu berdua je dengan Tun Teja? Main dam?" (my dad's suspicion regarding Hang Tuah and Tun Teja's relationship)

3. "Dalam nursery rhyme, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Dalam gambar nursery rhyme tu, Jack dengan Jill panjat bukit ke arah perigi kat puncak. Sape orang bodoh buat perigi atas puncak bukit? Tipu je semua ni." (my dad's opinion about nursery rhymes and their stupidity)

4. "Dulu dia jual sabun ni dulu harga RM9.90. Lepas tu dia buat sale, tulis SALE 20%, dari RM11.90 jadi RM9.90 walhal RM9.90 itulah harga asalnya. Habis je sale, tiba2 sabun tu harga RM11.90. Pandai betul GIANT ni nak naikkan harga barang." (my dad's rant about how hypermarkets do business).

5. "Aku tengok je semut tu check lalat mati tu. Lepas tu dia lari balik sarang, mesti nak bagitau yang lain ada lalat mati. Jadi aku amik lalat mati tu dan letak tempat lain. Tak lama lepas tu aku nampak ada segerombolan semut datang kat tempat asal lalat mati tu dan tercarik2 lalat yang dah takde. Aku rasa lepas ni mesti semut tu sume balik sarang dan belasah kawan yang bagi maklumat tadi sebab bagi maklumat salah." (my dad's past time favourite - bullying ants)

6. "Kereta proton ni macam perempuan jalang. Cantik kat luar, buruk kat dalam." (my dad's philosophy about cars part 1)

7. "Kereta kancil ni macam kotak mancis letak atas tayar." (my dad's philosophy about cars part II)

8. "Kalau orang ajak berdebat, bagi dia fakta. Kalau dia masih lagi berdegil dan tak mengaku kalah, jangan gaduhkan lagi. Orang bodoh memang tak boleh diajar." (my dad's philosophy about stupidity

9. "Kalau beli kuih, bawak duit syiling je. Lepas tu carik gerai yang kuih dah nak abis. Kalau ada lima biji karipap, beli je empat. Kalau orang yang jual tu kata, "Bang, beli lima teruslah, ni yang last." cakap kat dia "Saya ada duit cukup2 untuk empat bijik je." Lepas tu mesti penjual tu kata, "Takpe, bang. Saya bagi free je sebijik lagi." Sekarang kita dapat lima biji karipap dengan harga empat." (my dad's other past time, psyching penjual kuih just for the sport of it)

10. "Kaklong, belikan ayah kuey tiau goreng. Ayah kan anak yatim piatu." (the first thing my dad says after we return from burying arwah uwan Maliah. He didn't say anything to us on the way balik kampung, during the ceremony nor on our way back.)

Everybody thinks their dad is the coolest for various reasons. I think my dad is the coolest just for being who he is. He never finishes his studies in Jakarta. He sacrifice his dreams and work as a clerk in SIRIM to raise us - always busy and coming home in the wee mornings to get more money from the overtime. He smokes and cusses and always say the weirdest shit that ends up making you rolling on the floor laughing. He never ask for anything, but we always follow what he says because he kinda do the psychology thing where he will sit down and not say anything with a sad face and make us feel like we are going to hell for not obeying. People love talking to him, because they always wait for the funniest craziest shit about politics he will utter, always think that for just a clerk in SIRIM, he's a frikken genius.

In my opinion, of course I think my dad is a frikken genius. Love you, ayah... though I never say it out-loud.