8 Most Annoying Things You Can Say to a Single Woman

(put some introductory words here, some so-called academic research and whatnots here, some scenes and situations that prompted the writer to be writing this piece. I have been writing too many introductory note for Tupai articles, I am too lazy to do so here.)

Moving on....

1. "Takpe... adelah jodoh tu nanti"
Yes, kadang2 aku tend to write stuff like "Huh, mentang2 la dia ada suami nak buat semua tu. Ko tengokla bila aku kawin nanti..." in my FB status, but its meant to be funny. Let me teach you the best way to reply to this kind of update: "Hahahahaha. Mengong."
Yes, sometimes, when people wrote stuff like that, it is meant to be taken as a joke. I already have a mum and even my mum never say those kind of cliches. My mum is cool enough to say stuff like, "Pfft... kahwin konon." or "Cakap je lebey". She doesn't do the pity-reassuring-talk.

2. "Aku tau sebenarnya walaupun kau nampak happy, tapi kat dalam Tuhan saja yang tahu."
Nope. Bukan Tuhan saja yang tahu. Semua orang tahu. Aku bukan jenis senyum di luar, merana di dalam. The last time I did that, I feel like a total shit. Nowadays, when I am happy, I show it. When I am not, I show that too. But you don't know that, because I have this poker face/monotonous look. Even my former boss once said that I aced the poker face look. Nobody in MBO realised that I never understood what the hell they were talking about... Dual Speaker shit and stuff.
And anyway, it is really annoying when people seemed to think they know what you are going through, especially when you're not going through anything at the moment. I call this the "Pretentious Sigmund Freud" syndrome (ok, I don't. I just made that syndrome name up two seconds ago). They kinda shove their life experience in your face, doing the "I know how you're feeling. I experienced that once."
What feeling? Bored? Because at that precise moment, that was what I felt.

3. "Single bukan bermakna alone. Single means independent."
Oh, shut up. Stop giving me those corny words of wisdom. What am I? Seventeen? Stop all those cheesy helvetica/italic words of wisdom written on pictures of clouds, stating the reason why you choose to be alone. If there is something that says "I AM LONELY" in capital letters, it would be motivational posters. The most annoying quote I have ever read was "Bersendiri bukan kerana tiada yang sudi. Bersendiri kerana ingin menyimpan hati buat yang terbaik".
*MUNTAH DARAH*
Seriously. Stop making those motivational posters. It's so cheesy, it makes me wanna get married.

4. "Bila nak kahwin?"
I know. I know. This is the most popular annoying phrase of all time. I reckon this question was first asked by a giddy princess to another giddy princess who just been courted by a prince in the 15th century during their stroll along the forbidden lake (I don't name names). It was meant to be answered in that giggly girly way and proceeded by a long speech about "Lelaki idaman beta ialah..."
Not a question you should ask someone who came to a wedding with her other single friends. Are you blind? If I have an answer to that, don't you think I will be parading my soon-to-be husband for all my mutual enemies to see?
And it's not that I hate the question because I am single. I just hate cliches. I hate the sentence "Bila nak kawin?" as much as I hate those guys who PMed me going "Hye... wat per tu..." or "Leh kenalan. Awq writer yerrrr...", or those girls who kept saying "Aku dah move on dan tak peduli lagi apa kau nak buat" and yet still talk about it as if she is talking to that guy. Yeah, "Bila nak kahwin" is in the league of those extraordinary cliches. If you really want to make a conversation with me, try: "Shai, kau rasa apa akan berlaku pada kau dulu, kahwin atau mati?"
THAT would be creative. I would wanna answer that with enthusiasm.

5. "Takpe, single lagi best. Percayalah."
What's that supposed to mean? Are you saying that you would rather be single than being married? Is that supposed to console me in any way? Here's the thing about consoling a single woman. Don't. You know why most single woman in their late 20s, 30s, 40s and even 50s turned into these biatch spinsters who are angry all the time and seemed to be angry with everybody? It's because of people's sympathy. Here you are, happily living your life, and then suddenly "BAM!" - the Association of Concerned Married Citizens came knocking at your door preaching why you should be happy being single and don't have to concern yourself to be married. Among the facts given include: 
"Susah bila dah ada anak ni. Lebih baik kau buat apa saja kau nak selagi kau masih single."
"Kalau ko dah kahwin, responsibility dia lain."
Really? Aren't you the same people who preaches "Tak elok kawin lambat sangat" and "Jangan memilih." to me like, last week?

6. "Kau tu memilih sangat."
Yeah of course. Everybody should. But then, I am not like, pilih harta, rupa, nama and all those shit. Memilih in this sense is making sure I want to commit to that said person until I die. Do you know how hard it is for me to really want to commit to anything? Just last week I was thinking of resigning from becoming a novelist due to some inexplicable reasons. I will get married when I will get married. If not, then I don't. No biggie.

7. "Single is the best!"
Again, stop trying to motivate single people. Or at least, stop motivating me. It's annoying. No matter what I do, people will think that I need to be motivated by the coolness of being solo. Dude, let me be single with dignity.

8. "Janganlah piker cerita dulu. Kahwinlah."
This is for the men in one's life who thinks that the reason that you are still single is because you are still in love with them. If this is mediaeval Europe, I would gladly lock myself with a chastity belt hearing that kind of self-obsessed point of view. And when one say "Okay....", it is meant to be taken as sarcasm. But then again, who would want to remain single and still think about an idiot who can't even understand the simplest rule of sarcasm?