Uninspired

On my attempt to focus myself writing today I realised one thing.

I don't got no friggin inspiration!

Everybody bores me and I am a boredome to everybody.

My friends are all busy and none of the other people I know inspire me. We are all creature of mundaneness now!

There's nobody that can awe me anymore. Nobody can argue with me and leave me speechless. Nobody can make me laugh and say "That's so true!" thus inspire me to create something out of nothing. NOBODY. We have all turn into an automaton.

Nowadays it's just LMAO after LMAO after LMAO. I do not write stuff so people will be bemused, I want to be amazed. Sadly, I guess I have to breath new air now.

Inspire me!!!! Please!!!

Oyh, I felt like Roberto Cavalli.

Ode to WH

Every girl in this world has their own dream wedding.

I don't (yeah, it scares me too how I still do not have any visions of a wedding gown no matter how hard I try).

But I will tell you what I have though. I have a dream director! (Yes, by now I guess you would realise that this entry has nothing whatsoever to do with marriages. Gotcha!).

I dunno. I always have this idea that if I ever wrote a script, I want to have Wan Hasliza as the director. I mean, she's like the balance between the two world, you know, the middle class structure crapolas (like lawak2 sengal warung and kedai mamak that I don't think people like Bernard Chauly would fathom), and the urban youth (which none of the other directors can fathom).

The first ever script of hers that I love was for the drama "Kalis Cinta" - which is the Malaysian take on "Taming of the Shrew", with Catriona Ross as Katrina and Ady Putra as Petruchio (or here known as Inspektor Borhan - Mun and I still talk about that character in loving memory. Haha). It was witty in a way that no other dramas have.

Then I started to follow "Dunia Baru", "Geng Surau", "Rosli Dhobi", "Lima" and even "Teh Susu Kurang Gula". The only movie of hers I haven't got the chance to see was "Hooperz" - the netball movie, because I was too busy at that time it was shown in cinemas.

I mean, in "Teh Susu Kurang Gula" for example, it was a simple story of the mundane-ness (is that even a word?) of a marriage after a year when the stay-at-home wife can't seem to have other topics in life than the discussion of what she's going to cook (which reminds me of dear mum). It is so simple with no over-the-top plotline, and yet so true. And I absolutely adore the makan durian after terawikh scene.

I love "Rosli Dhobi" because it is patriotic in a sense that it isn't that kind of in-your-face preachy drama (*cough*Hati Malaya*cough*). Also because I subtitled it in English for ASTRO Citra. Hahahaha.

And especially in "Geng Surau", I was laughing so hard when one of the girl character kinda slap her friend's buttock as she gets up from bed to spy at the window because that is soooo typical of what we girls all do. It's the littlest things that other director left behind, that they think is unimportant and yet shapes the reality of a situation or a scene. She does it with flying colours.

And who would not chuckle when the kids in "Lima" fought with each other going "Kalau kau tak bodoh, cuba eja BODOH."

So yes, I love Wan Hasliza Wan Zainudin.

And I think you should too. (I am pretty good at forcing people. Hahaha)

PRO-crastinate

I'm back with my old job.

Listening to relationship issues, I mean. I guess I got my license back after a year's worth of hiatus (license to listen to relationship issues... Hah! That's like giving Dr House his medical license back - "I'm damaging you to get you better!"). After all, what have I not experienced heard?

Upon listening to a friend's issue on how to forget someone, I have given her an advice that I think is good enough to be shared with the world (and in 'world', I mean heartbroken chicas everywhere). This is how it goes,

"Miss S (yeah, I lied, nobody calls me that but hey, a girl can dream, eyh?), how can I forget him? I am so used to the guy. He is a routine. We sms each other, we talk to each other often, we go everywhere together, we share things and email stuff that we like to each other. Losing him is like losing a part of myself. If I kept trying to call him, that would make me look desperate!"

Dear Miss (put your name here and gimme a holla if you are facing the same thing with what I wrote up there),
Yes, to lose a routine is such a hassle. After all, you have build a life around this dude. And forcing yourself to forget someone is really hard and often incomprehensible. Because you want to. I want to forget that just today I ate a lot of macaroni that I feel bloated. I can't forget that now, can I? Not after pushing myself to. Let alone trying to stop doing stuff that you are so used to and enjoyed doing so.

So here's an idea.

It's called procrastination. Think about it tomorrow (hey, that's my blog title!). We are really good at procrastinating, aren't we? We put the PRO in procrastinate. In fact, we procrastinate in all walks of life... except for number 2 in the toilet. You can't procrastinate shit, so to speak.

Thus,
Every time you felt like seeing the guy, procrastinate!
Every time you felt like calling him, procrastinate!
Every time you saw something and wanted to share it with him, procrastinate!

Example, "Hey, the new Tom Clancy book is out. Wanker Joe always wanted to read this, I better tell him!" (get your phone out and start smsing).
WRONG! The correct way is, "Hey, the new Tom Clancy book is out. Wanker Joe always wanted to read this....." (get phone out) "Hmm, I can just tell him tomorrow." (put phone back in the bag)


And the next day, you can think the same thing, that you can do that tomorrow. As creatures of procrastination, this shouldn't be difficult. It's like you're telling that you are not trying to force your heart to forget him, it's just that you WILL tell him, just not today. It's like lying to yourself. And the sweet thing about procrastination is, in the end you always forgot and it's always too late to do it anyway.

Practice. Things that are gone stays gone. If you have jodoh, then things will go right. But no point trying to do the what-if things, although sometimes it is fun to do. You can't force yourself to want something and hate something and you can't pretend to forget something. But one thing you can do, you can procrastinate.

"Seriously?"
"Yeah." says I.
"How did you come up with that?"
"You really want me to answer that? Aku kan novelis."

(I always have time to advertise my book!)

Musim Mengawan

I am not the one who likes forwarded emails much, but the one I received from me aunt yesterday kinda blows my mind... not in a positive way. Mum and I always say the same thing when we saw any buang anak news on TV. It's always, "Disember tahun lepas ada konsert apa?" with that pfft-attitude. I guess someone answered it. Should share it!

Jul & Aug Musim Menetas , Dec Musim Mengawan

Iklim sosial negara kita kian teruk dan parah . Nilai maruah dan harga diri telah turun semurah sekeping kad prepaid . Jika seketika dulu dunia dikejutkan oleh tindakan Natalie Dylan dari San Diego USA [ 22 tahun ] melelong daranya dan dibida oleh seorang lelaki Britain dengan harga 2.5 juta pound [ RM 13 juta ] , kemudian Miss Spring [ 17 tahun ] melelong daranya turun pada bidaan serendah RM 1 juta dan Alina Persia [ 18 tahun ] pula menerima bidaan 10 Ribu euro apabila beliau turut melelong daranya . Tetapi anak - anak gadis Malaysia ada yang melelong daranya dengan mee goreng sepinggan dan kad prepaid sekeping . Demikianlah harga maruah yang semakin susut malah hancur dan binasa .

Apabila maruah dan harga diri boleh dilelong dan digadai semurah itu , apalagi nilai yang ada pada manusia seperti itu untuk dipertahankan . Mereka akhirnya menjadi hamba nafsu yang tidak lagi mengenal syurga dan neraka atau dosa dan pahala . Hidup mereka hanya diabadikan kepada perut dan apa yang berada dibawah perut . Rosak nilai , hancur maruah dan binasa tamadun .

Akhir - akhir ini , negara kita semakin menggerunkan . Sungguh menakutkan apabila statistik jenayah rogol , zina dan buang bayi ini semakin berleluasa seperti tidak menunjukkan tempoh tamatnya. Bermula dengan pergaulan bebas , pil ectasy , dadah , arak , pusat pelacuran , filem porno , laman lucah dan sebagainya sehinggalah sekatan ke atas majlis agama , sekolah agama rakyat [ SAR ] , mengurangkan sukatan pengajian Islam di pusat pengajian tinggi , mengambil tindakan ke atas khatib yang tidak bertauliah telah menyuburkan mungkar dan maksiat yang sedang berleluasa ini .

Saya memerhatikan sejak kebelakangan ini untuk tempoh beberapa tahun seperti menunjukkan satu trend bahawa bulan Julai , August dan Sept adalah bulan yang cukup banyak kes buang bayi dilaporkan dan ditemui . Jika bulan julai , august dan september ini bulan menetas ertinya bulan december sebelumnya adalah musim mengawan . Dalam bahasa mudah , jika bulan julai , august dan september ini adalah bulan buang bayi ertinya bulan december sebelumnya adalah bulan berzina . [ sebab tidak mungkin berzina bulan ini , bulan depan buang bayi ]

Bulan December adalah bulan terakhir bagi setiap tahun menurut kalendar masihi . Biasanya di negara kita akan menyambut kedatangan tahun baru detik 12.00 am 1 january dan sambutan itu akan rayakan dengan pesta - pestaan , konsert hiburan , tari menari sedari awal malam sehingga ke awal pagi esoknya . Tentunya pula pesta - pesta itu akan diserikan lagi dengan arak , pil ectasy , pil kuda dan pelbagai bahan khayal untuk membekalkan tenaga kepada melakukan maksiat semaksima mungkin .

Pengalaman saya meronda bersama dengan skuad Dewan Pemuda PAS Pusat dan negeri - negeri jelas menunjukkan bahawa malam sambutan tahun baru inilah menjadi musim mengawan beramai - ramai atau besar - besaran pasangan - pasangan yang tidak mengenal lagi batas dosa dan pahala . Sebahagian besar mereka adalah remaja atau anak - anak yang mengawan semahunya memuaskan nafsu liar mereka . Akhirnya 7 atau 8 atau 9 bulan kemudian tibalah masa menetas . Kini kita boleh saksikan bagaimana pesta menetas pula di dada - dada akhbar yang saya yakin akan berkurang sedikit selepas september nanti .

SANDAKAN [ 3 Julai 2010 ] Mayat seorang bayi perempuan ditemui di tapak pelupusan sampah di Batu 8 Jalan Fook Kim . Sandakan Sabah .

JOHOR BHARU [ 12 Julai 2010 ] Mayat bayi lelaki yang disimpan di dalam sebuah beg plastik di kawasan semak ditemui oleh orang awam yang melalui kawasan itu . Johor Bharu .

JOHOR BHARU [ 22 Julai 2010 ] seorang bayi perempuan ditinggalkan dalam sebuah beg berhampiran hentian bas dekat Hospital Sultan Ismail sebelum ditemui seorang pekerja kilang wanita yang sedang menunggu bas di tepi jalan pesiaran Mutiara Emas yang mengesyaki sesuatu apabila melihat sebuah beg bergerak - gerak .

KUALA LUMPUR [ 24 Julai 2010] Mayat bayi perempuan baru lahir yang dibungkus dalam beg plastik ditemui bersama longgokan sampah di Flat Sri KelantanBandar Baru Sentul. Mayat yang masih bertali pusat dan diselimuti dengan kain batik itu ditemui dalam tong sampah oleh pengutip barangan lusuh ketika menggeledah tong sampah di flat itu .

NIBONG TEBAL [ 31 Julai 2010 ] Seorang bayi perempuan yang masih hidup ditinggalkan berbalut dengan plastik dan kertas surat khabar di kaki lima sebuah bangunan kedai di taman Cegar Simpang Ampat .

KUALA LUMPUR [ 6 August 2010 ] seorang bayi perempuan yang baru dilahirkan ditinggalkan dalam sebuah lubang paip dalam longkang berhampiran sebuah stesen minyak di Klang Gate.

GEORGE TOWN [ 9 August 2010 ] Janin bayi lelaki dipercayai digugurkan ditemui seorang lelaki pemungut tin kosong dalam tong sampah di Pasar Borong Pulau Mutiara Jalan Makloom.

TAMPIN [ 10August 2010 ] Tidak sampai 4 jam selepas dilahirkan , seorang bayi perempuan terpaksa menahan sejuk lapar sambil menangis akibat ditinggalkan dihadapan sebuah rumah di Air Kuning Selatan dekat Gemencheh .

TANAH MERAH [ 12 August 2010 ] Bayi perempuan masih bertali pusat dipercayai dibuang sejak seminggu lalu ditemui seorang murid di dalam lubang kumbahan najis di belakang asrama sebuah kolej di bandar Bukit Bunga .

MELAKA [ 12 August 2010 ] Bayi baru dilahirkan dan masih hidup ditemui dalam tong sampah berdekatan pondok kawalan sebuah kilang plastik di Ayer keroh . Bayi perempuan yang masih bertali pusat itu dimasukkan dalam sebuah beg pakaian berwarna hitam sebelum dibuang ke dalam tong sampah.

KELANTAN , MELAKA DAN KUALA LUMPUR [13 August 2010 ] 3 kes lagi pembuangan bayi telah dilaporkan dalam tempoh 24 jam di kelantan , Melaka dan Kuala Lumpur .

PETALING JAYA [ 15 August 2010 ]- Meskipun kerajaan telah mengumumkan akan bertindak tegas terhadap pesalah kes buang bayi, ia masih gagal memberi kesedaran malah perbuatan itu berlaku lagi. Kali ini, mayat seorang bayi perempuan ditemui dalam sebuah beg sandang yang tersangkut di tebing Sungai Tambun, Kota Damansara di sini hari ini.

Insyaallah satu Sidang Meja Bulat di Anjung Rahmat Gombak pada 22 hb August 2010 [ jam 2 pm hingga 5.30 pm ] bagi membincangkan isu Jenayah rogol , zina dan buang bayi serta jalan penyelesaiannya . Sidang meja bulat ini akan turut mengundang parti - parti politik , ngo - ngo dan tokoh - tokoh tertentu .

Phibun at 5.55am

Jadual hidup Phibun:

5.00am - balik rumah dan mengiau suruh orang bukak pintu. loosely translated as : "Assalamualaikum. Tuan. Saya dah balik. Lapar. Come on, man. Open up!!! I smell fried fish!"
5.30am - Orang sahur, dia pun sibuk makan. Gaduh dengan Owen.
5.55am - Main. "I don't care diorang nak solat ke apa ke, this is playtime!"

That creature... dia bukan cakar, dia hook your skin with his claws and rip it. Often I bleed. Sometimes I wonder if I am adopting a cat or a tiger in disguise.

Orang nak masuk bilik, sibuk nak ikut. Orang sibuk, dia nak keluar. Nasib baik binatang kesayangan nabi, kalau tak aku pijak macam lipas.

Kata Eva Longoria, "I'd rather tame a tiger than paint stripes on a kitty cat."

Tulis Apa yang Kau Tahu

Each and every writer has his or her own mission in writing. The love for stories, of happily-ever-afters, of mystery, of the beauty of words, anything.

Aku? Masa aku pilih untuk menjadi penulis novel full-time (tak kirela berapa malas pun), dorongan aku cuma satu. Of all feedbacks that I get, most of them wrote the same thing;
"Dulu saya tak suka membaca. Lepas saya baca novel awak, saya rasa nak membaca semula."

It's a feeling like no other. My mission when I first started writing was to write something that i wanted to read. If people like them, then that's a bonus.

But nowadays, writing what I like has gotten more difficult than it used to. It seems that my actual love is horror (nak buat macam mana kalau penulis kegemaran aku ialah Stephen King dan Neil Gaiman). Tapi aku tak pandai menulis novel seram. Aku refuse untuk go against what i believe in so I can never put it inside my novel.

Antara benda yang aku refuse:

1. Aku benci tengok filem seram yang ada reason by the end of the movie.
"Oh, rupanya hantu ni adalah jelmaan bekas isteri pemilik rumah ni yang nak balas dendam..." what a baloney. Can't we just do the Kowaii Onna ghost where she just haunt people because she can? Something is always scarier without a motive. That's what makes sociopaths like Dennis Nilsen (the British homo who killed 16 men and stuffed them around his house) and John Wayne Gacy (a.k.a. The Killer Clown) scary. They have no ulterior motives at all, and not even dark history to justify it by. I guess my alter ego as a movie reviewer juga menyebabkan aku banyak cekadak. Hahaha.

2. Aku refuse untuk have beautiful women in my book.
Everything in my writing is plain. The hero, the heroine, the storyline, even my own name (Nurul Syahida adalah nama yang sangat plain. Tak ada sesiapa dengar nama "Nurul Syahida" dan fikir "Siapakah gerangan gadis yang indah namanya ini?"). I want something that I can relate to. Being beautiful is not relatable to me in any way possible. Being beautiful dan cute, friendly dan tidak mudah patah semangat ala2 heroine drama Korea laaaaagi tak relatable to me. Now you know why I stopped watching KBS dramas.

3. Aku refuse untuk meletakkan hero kaya.
Kalau ada, sipi2 sajala kedudukannya. I don't believe in Cinderella story. Aku tak nak memupuk semangat pisau cukur ke dalam mana2 wanita. Hahaha. I like writing about normal guys and make them extraordinary. The dude yang jaga cybercafe near your house may be funnier and more easy going than your uptight rich upper class bachelor boss. The guy you find annoying might be the coolest guy ever and the plain joe in your office might actually be the diamond in the rough. Tak ramai aku tengok pompuan yang kahwin dengan lelaki sebab kekayaan atau rupa mereka, jadi kenapa nak menyanjung yang indah2 saja dalam novel? Tapi kalau memang ada niat nak sanjung, aku takleh kata apa lah, maybe your not my kind-of reader and I'm not your kind-of writer. Here we part ways.

4. Aku bertudung.
That is why semua heroine aku bertudung. Bertudung dan mengajak orang untuk bertudung adalah kewajipan aku sebagai Muslim. I don't know how to do it in any other way. God gave me the gift of writing, and that is how I should use it.

5. Aku bukan feminist.
So none of my characters bersifat feminist. Hard headed, thoughtful, maybe. But never feministic. I am more Desperate Housewife-ish rather than Sex and the City-ish. Justice between the two genders, not equality. You can't ask a man to get pregnant and you can't ask woman to not be emotional. We have our own best of abilities.

6. Aku tak suka sedih.
I hate movies like "1 Litre of Tears", "A Walk to Remember" or "100 Days of Summer". I don't watch things that make me depressed. So I don't write like that. I wanna put smiles on people's face. Aku amat menghormati mereka2 yang boleh menulis cerita2 sedih sebab aku tak mampu nak buat macam tu. The misery of my real life should not be interpreted into a book................... unless aku dah kehabisan idea.

7. I like wits and banters.
Kata seorang fellow writer, wits dan banters adalah trademark buku aku. It is so important to know what your trademark is in order for you not to lose your way or tertiru cara penulisan penulis lain. Setiap novelis sangat cherish trademark penulisan diorang dan sangat tidak suka bila orang lain ambil idea mereka. So knowing your trademark is freakishly important, so that when people talk about your writing, they will say "Si polan tu menulis macam Nurul Syahida" instead of "Nurul Syahida menulis macam si polan."

8. Tulis apa yang anda tahu.
Kalau tak tahu, kaji. And I mean kaji not as in tengok cerita lain tentang subjek yang kau nak kaji itu. Sometimes drama kat TV tu pun pembongak jugak. Ada ke architect pakai topi kuning? Tulis through experience, bukan your own opinion about an experience you never went through.

9. Never to compare me with Hlovate.
I think none of us two liked to be compared. We debuted almost at the same time and I bet we both never read each others' books to say who copy who. Hlovate has more fans and published works than I do and I think they would also agree to not compare us.

So, that is my guideline in my writing.

*Currently menulis novel keempat, kelima dan keenam secara serentak, sebab tu tak selesai2.

Who the hell is Billy Joe?

We were talking about songs and how silly the songs are nowadays. Mum kept berlagak about how oldies have great lyrics and semuanya sweet sahaja.

"Sweet?" aku kata.
"Have you never heard of 1958's Tom Dooly? That song is beyond scary."

Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Hang down your head and cry
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley
Poor boy, you're bound to die
I met her on the mountain
There I took her life
Met her on the mountain
Stabbed her with my knife

"Or that haunting Bobbie Gentry's song "Ode to Billy Joe"? Or "Gloomy Sunday"? Those are not new songs. And they are soooo not sweet."

"But they're not today's songs. Perverse, and hard to listen to." kata mak.

Yes, that is true. Especially when you have to listen to "Shawty go low low low low low..." I would prefer listening about Tom Dooly getting hanged over and over again over a man's foolish obsession over women's ass.

So, here's my most favourite haunting song of the century.

With love, "Encik Magi in Bali"

Why did I even try? Writing this.... this.... thing?

It just sucks all my good mood and all my happiness like some kind of a depression vacuum cleaner. Why don't I just write something simpler? Like a normal storyline where you do not have to put your heart and soul into it? Why am I being a pighead and try to write from conscience and all the ladidas?

I mean, here's a storyline. Woman A meets Man B, fell in love, and due to a weird circumstances, they broke up and 5 years later meet up again. That's like the textbook of all love stories, innit? But no..... Shai has to write something that rings true, something that people can relate to, something that will make people who stops reading reads again. Yada yada yada.

Writing is like gambling with your soul. Well, I can't say that and represents the whole community of novelists, but for me, that's what it is. It's putting yourself at your most vulnerable, at the same time listening to that inner voices that make up dialogues and scenes and well... anything that a psycho would feel, except that a writer can control the lunacy inside her head from spilling into real life.

Although...

Nah...

Anyway, I always have writer's block every single time I am starting on a new project. I don't know what's others' understanding of that, but for me, it means that none of the characters I made made any development at all. They remain a one-dimensional character. I call it "Encik Magi pergi bercuti."

For those of you who yet to know who Encik Magi is, it's a skinny guy with Noh HUJAN hairdo and black rimmed spectacles who always has a bag pack and wears khakis instead of jeans. Fair-skinned. With zebra-striped shirt. My friends all knew about him. They know that when I am having a block, it means that Encik Magi has gone to Bali for vacation and left me behind. Dunno for how long.

Weird as it may sound, Encik Magi is the name I give for my imagination. What? Hey, people named their car, or teddy bears. Some even nicknamed their boobs. I have a name for the creative part of my brain. We're even. At least I'm only obsessed with my conscience, not my tits. And anyway, how I picture Encik Magi is in NO WAY has anything to do with how the man of my dreams look like. Don't have one.

But anyways (oyh, why do I always do this membebel thing), I think I need a vacation. I need an inspiration. I need to do all those cliches related to a writer. Thanks to PTPTN, Bali is out of the question. I mean, I had to cancel the plan for Uzbekistan and can't go to Gold Coast, and surely not the UK vacay my aunt talked about.

Thanks PTPTN!

And thanks to you too since I can't do overseas, it means I will not be given any Singapore jobs too (which is funny, since that was the reason I told Swee I will suck it up and do reviews again - oyh, Swee and her 'If-only-you-were' talk, even I can get scammed by it. Huhu). I wonder how much that would've helped me pay you back. Have you ever thought of that? Eyh, PTPTpu?

Okay, can't get mad when it is your own bloody fault in the first place....

I am Shai. How do you do?

It's weird. Really.

I don't know if the name Nurul Syahida is so difficult to remember but I guess I have been facing this issue from the day that I can spell my name. It seems that people can't really remember my name or even spell it correctly. And I thought becoming a writer will finally give my name justice of some sort, but I end up seeing my name being spelled in so many weird ways, like,

"Penulis Nurul Syuhada ini merupakan..."
"Karya ini ditulis oleh Nurul Shahida..."
"Aku suka baca tulisan Nursyahida ini..."
"Buku ni dari penerbit Media Prima dan ditulis oleh Nurul Syuhaida..." (<- this is the worst, cuz I don't think my publisher is too happy to be mistaken for TV3.)

I have no qualms about it anywhooo, since I have been facing that all the time. My teachers from standard one to form 5 kept calling me the wrong names - my BM teacher called me Syuhaida, another called me Rashidah, and my KH teacher called me Syahira... and you think being the female noun for martyrs (syahid-a), one would actually say the right word, but nnnnnno. (I just left some part because some of my lecturers and teachers nicknamed me so they can remember me better... like Shushu - which actually means Pakcik in mandarin, or Paprik - by my love for Leonardo diCaprio... dont ask!, or Juhi - the Hindi actress that my teacher loves so much, or LRT - by the speed of my speech, or 2532 - Rahman Tang seemed to think it is easier to call me by my matric number like I'm some kind of a prisoner on death row.)

The funniest thing about my name is that even a guy in my school got it wrong. He was trying to hit on another girl, whose name is Nur Shahida (a.k.a. Ida), and instead he got my phone number. It was an odd phone conversation because I seriously do not understand what he's babbling about (you know high school guys and their long long stupid conversation starter like, "What are you doing?", "Is your father home?" to which I went, "Yes, he is. Wanna talk to him?" and he was so scared by that question, I seriously wanted to actually go to his house and see his expression), and it kinda pisses me off.  But luckily he just got the wrong girl, because THAT just turned it from annoying to funny.

And now you're an adult, you thought people would remember your name, or at least knew how to spell it correctly. Nope. I think it will stay like that forever. I will forever be known as Nur Sahidah, Nur Shahida, Nurul Syuhaida, Nurul Syuhada, Siti Syahida, Nor Syahidah, Nurul Shuhaidah, Nurul Rashidah, Nur Syahirah and whatever it is they're gonna think of... Well, as long as there is the word 'novelist' behind it, I don't think I would mind anymore.

Just call me Shai.

If I have a kid, Imma do an A. Samad Said on them. Sita Subuh, or Siti Senja, or just plain AZ ("I wanted to name my boy from the letter A to Z, so I just named him Az," he said). That old man is a literary genius.

"But that's just my schedule for Ramadan!" - Dr House.

Aku tahu aku tak patut membeza-bezakan bulan, tapi aku memang suka Ramadhan.

Aku tak ingat bila first time aku puasa. Aku ada vague memory tentang usia pre-school. Mungkin sebab tak tadika kot (*memandang muke bapak sendiri dengan dendam sebab menggunakan alasan "Tadika mahal."... pernah jumpa tadika free ke kat Shah Alam ni?*). Mungkin masa darjah satu kot. Dulu bila first time puasa memang suka buat perangai kot, since aku tak tadika (*memang saja2 menyalahkan semua perangai buruk zaman kanak2 atas ketiadaan didikan tadika*). Tapi yang aku ingat bila time sahur je mesti nak saja2 buat perangai.

"Nasik panas sangat!"
"Tak suka makan ayam ni, nak ayam goreng!"
"Lauk tak sedap!" 

Makdik kata dulu kalau tengok perangai kitorang, dia ada urge nak tampor2 je, tapi mak aku sabar jela melayankan kerenah kitorang. Tapi kalau bapak aku... memang dia tampar terus tanpa warning, so memang padan muke la anak2 Haji Kamarudin. Sile tampar anak2 anda. It works.

Darjah 3 aku start puasa penuh. Gile bangga tahap apa tah masa tu. Semua sebab nak lawan kaklong. Mak punya bijak la tu. "Dulu kaklong darjah ni dah puasa penuh. Dulu kaklong darjah ni dah khatam Quran." Sebagai anak kedua herself, mak aku tahu weakness anak kedua ialah dia sentiasa nak show off yg die lebih better dari anak pertama (disebabkan kurang kasih sayang... yela, dahla anak second, perempuan pulak tu. Been there done that, more like...). So aku pon kejarlah kakak aku, untuk menunjukkan, heleh, bukanlah die best sangat pon.

Masa masuk SMKA Kuala Selangor... puasa itu adalah satu event yang sangat ditunggu sebab tak ada riadhah. Aku tak taulah kenapa diorang paksa students semua wajib keluar gi riadah. Kalau orang taknak pi main bola tampar, orang taknakla. Apesal nak pakse pakai baju sukan and lepak kat luar asrama? Bila puasa, riadhah tak ada. Jadi maksudnya kurangla aktiviti paksaan yang tak berapa nak berfaedah (kalau tanya aku, antara main bola sampai penat and tertidur kat musolla masa kuliyah maghrib dengan tidur kat asrama dan sambung tido masa kuliyah maghrib, agaknya mana aku pilih?).

Aku tak pernah walau sekali pun sahur kat dewan makan sekolah. Dari yang aku dengar, sahur dewan makan amatla disgusting. Kalau makan lunch biase pon kari ikan die macam Sungai Nil, bayangkan abang2 dewan makan memasak jam 4 pagi? Sup sayur tak rupe sup sayur. Sayurnya hancur boleh jadi jus kangkung. Lepas tu bile berbuka, kena pulak cari member untuk cukupkan meja sebab meja dah ditentukan supaya tak ada sesapa yang tak ada tempat duduk. Itula time UE terbentuk - bila aku join Ayim, Mass, Tim, Ann, Dinie, Deqno, and Zana. Lepas tu kena tuduh buat geng.... lapan orang geng budak form 2 di sekolah agama, ape sangatla jenayah boleh dibuat? Paling2 pun tiru tanda tangan warden untuk keluar outing. Tak Legenda Budak Setan langsung... Tapi masa puasa la paling suka outing sebab nak beli ayam rangka dekat pasar BB Kuala Selangor.

Masa kat UIA, 3rd year, malam2 buta je aku, Iza, Ayong atau Ika akan pegi beli nasi, tomyam dengan telur bistik untuk 4 orang kat Mahallah Asma untuk buat makan sahur 4 hours later. Pernah sekali, kitorang dah beli lauk-pauk, and letak kat depan. Tidur tunggu waktu sahur. Sekali tu semua bangun tengok dah pukul 8. Rasa air mata ini bagai mengalir lesu melihat telur bistik dan tomyam yang tidak berusik sementara perut berbunyi sebab tak sahur, namun harus digagahkan jua.... lepas tu terus kitorang sahur pukul 12 malam je.

Kalau berbuka pulak, mesti nak pergi beli kat Suka-suka Catering, tak kire la kene jalan jauh siket. Mestila kena berbuka dengan ikan keli goreng minyak dengan ayam kunyit die, diiringi sambal tempoyak dan bergedil...........................my GOD!!! Suka-suka Catering, I love you.... 

Masa kerja kat CO, bersahur dekat rumah macam biasa, tapi tak pernah dapat berbuka dekat rumah. Bayangkanla walaupun bos kasi Muslim staff balik awal, tapi kalau keluar pukul 5 dekat ofis Kelana Jaya sementara orang lain semua balik pukul 4.30 lalu LDP, agak2nye sampai rumah dengan aman tak? Bas penuh, jam macam haram, sampai pukul 8 masa bapak aku nak pergi tarawikh. Last2 aku keluar opis pukul 8 malam je, time traffic lengang. Kadang2 pukul 11 malam baru berbuka. Time tak puasa, makan Tim Tam dengan Maria. Kadang2 diorang yang lain ajak pergi lunch kat kedai. Agak tak senonoh kot untuk berbuat demikian.... boleh mendatangkan fitnah atau diangkat naik van mayat oleh jabatan agama walaupon memang takleh pose.

Masa start buat freelance, rasa dunia lebih aman. Boleh puasa dengan tenang. Kalau masuk opis buat subtitle, masa rasa berlalu dengan cepat. Tiba2 je dah pukul 6. Balik tolong mak masak untuk berbuka. Hari2 dapat sahur and buka dengan family. No more jus sayur atau berbuka karipap dalam bas. Boleh tidor lambat atau tak tidor langsung. Boleh buat kuih raya pukul 1 pagi tanpa risau besok kat opis tak larat nak bukak mata. Gumbire rie je.

Ni tahun kedua berpuasa dengan gumbire rie. Selamat berpuasa. Yang tak reti2 nak puasa penuh walaupon dah besar panjang tu, janganlah mengada2 tertanya2 kalau ada permintaan Allah tak makbulkan. Nak puasa pon malas, ade hati nak dapat semua benda yg dimintak...

Vamped

Aku telah mencampakkan semua entry lama.

Aku telah mengubah nama blog ini.

Aku telah meninggalkan hanya puisi dan entry yang macam bagos bermakna.

Aku akan tukar banner yang klise itu. Nanti dulu. Mood aku dah lari.

Clatto. Verata. Nicto.
(tak ada apa makna. Cuma ayat yang kene disebut oleh Ash masa amik Necronomicons dalam "Army of Darkness")

Ode to To

To love and make love
To cherish and make ammends
To stay and to leave in haste
To be and not being
To forget and be forgotten
To reverse and move forward
To think and not to ponder
To feel and not to sense

To you but not to you.