"I'm not hostile. I'm annoyed." - Kat Stratford, 10 Things I Hate About You (1999)
I think I have turned supermellow.
Not just mellow. No, mellow is normal. Mellow is like an old orange (jangan tanya apa maksud aku). I am now supermellow, the kind of extreme mellowness (is that a word) that makes you almost unbearable to yourself.
I think it started with my new year's resolution 11 months back. I told myself that I wouldn't be sarcastic anymore. No. Sarcasm in your early 20s is just funny. Sarcasm in your late 20s as someone with a career and family is just experience taking a shit on amateur's back..... (why is experience taking a shit on amateur's back? That just doesn't make any sense...... what is happening with my analogies?). But being sarcastic in my late 20s is just like asking myself to be called 'that spiteful woman'.
Okay, that's not the real reason. I wanted to stop being sarcastic because I seemed to have taken it to a new level, where it actually feels like I am punching you in the face and I am not apologetic by it. I just don't want to be that person, not because I care about the person I hurt (heck, he can die and live again and I am still not apologetic about it), but because I don't want to ruin my book of deeds. I think semua pahala aku hilang mostly on that part. Hari ni derma RM10 kat orang miskin, esok make fun of my former colleague's delusion of grandeur, lost that RM10 pahala (this is just an example).
But in trying to not being as much biting as I was before (oh, I snide some... just occasionally), it makes me more attune to what I write. "Oh, I shouldn't write this. People will get hurt by it!" Once upon a time, kalau aku terfikir macam tu, my other self will say, "Oh screw them all..." and I will keep on continuing my quest through my mordant path. Sekarang tak boleh. It even affected my writing sedikit sebanyak. Aku jadi macam sangat aware dengan apa yang aku tulis dan impak terhadap masyarakat dan diri sendiri.
This is muy annoying.
Aku harap my old self will come back. No, not so I can hurt that worthless piece of shit-with-a-dick again, tapi supaya aku boleh jadi diri sendiri dalam penulisan aku. Dahlah sekarang ni aku sangat attune to grammar. Bukanlah aku nak kata tak elok kalau nak jaga tatabahasa, lebih baiklah tatabahasa tersusun. Tapi aku rasa penulisan aku jadi lambat nak siap sebab aku asyik check every other word untuk pastikan betul. Daripada ayat tu normal, dah jadi macam surat rasmi kerajaan Malaysia. Siapa nak baca? I mean, ko baca tak surat pekeliling kerajaan?
I rest my case.