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Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Caring too much emotionally, and couldn't care less physically. Otherwise known as emotional laziness.

I think I am having a middle-age crisis at 32 (going on 33 in a month. Yay!).

So if you're having that crisis at age 32, can you call it middle-age crisis? Or should it have its own name? Like, semi-middle age crisis, or post-20s crisis, or stupid-shit-women-in-their-30s-have-after-annoying-people-with-their-problem-when-they-were-in-their-20s?

Or should I just call it "The Inexplicable Syndrome of Annoyance Exclusively Facing Nurul Syahida Kamarudin and The People Who Think Like Her"?

Here are my symptoms:
1. Being annoyed with the situation of the situation around her but not being able to say anything about it because the situation involves people who may be her friends and/or colleagues.
2. Being annoyed by the helplessness of her aforementioned situation and yet doesn't even have any desire to change it.
3. Annoyed with her apparent laziness in trying to make any effort to change a thing she hopes can change, and being all, "Why should I change it? Why can't I just express my annoyance with it and let other people do something about it instead?"
4. Wanting to make an effort to save herself from the quicksand that is slowly engulfing her soul, and at the same time just wanting someone to come save her because she is sick of saving herself.
5. Hating the thought of being the kind of woman she hates, when she said she wants to be saved.
6. Understanding that her actual issue stems from the fact that she cares too much both emotionally and mentally, and yet couldn't care less physically. Like for example, "I care about my friend A and I would like to talk to her sometimes. And yet, I am too lazy to pick up the phone."
7. Bored by the status-quo and yet not interested to move forward.

I think the root of this issue is the fact that I am not able to express the anger I have with it publicly, to say what I really want to say. I think that's the same issue some politicians have. They may start wide-eyed and ambitious, looking at the system through the lens of justice, and then finding themselves slowly being dragged into the dirt by other politicians, who, ironically, started off as a wide-eyed ambitious person who wants to do good in the world as well.

Like a faeces-infested circle of life.

It's the feeling of being trapped inside this stupidity, the kind of stupidity where you just kinda point at it while talking to your friend and asked them "Can't you see how stupid this is?" and your friend said, "Not that I can see", and you're like, "Oh my God this is so stupid. I can't express it with direct words and yet nobody seemed to understand metaphors, so how am I supposed to do this?", and finally realising that I can't get away from it unless I break free, and yet I am too lazy to do it.

Is this because I am Malay? Or because I am an introvert? Or because I was never wired to be a person who can uphold social justice? Or is it just because I am just too lazy?

I think it's the last one.

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