AWAK SUNGGUH PERFECT - the novel that caused it all...

Oh my God, guys. I am so sorry for forgetting about the blog. I had been busy with work (ada projek translation 30 episod yang telah menyebabkan aku tak bercuti raya dengan aman dan cam, "What? Dah September?"). As soon as I was able to take a breather, I was told that buku baru dah masuk (dan keluar) printer.

Soooo....

Panjang cerita kelahiran buku ni. Asalnya aku nak tarik balik sebab aku nak start projek baru dan aku tak nak ada something looming inside my mind. So I wrote my editor an email untuk officially take the manuscript back, but then Encik Ali email me back saying "permohonan awak untuk tarik balik ditolak."

I was like, What? How can you reject me taking back my manuscript???? But then I decided, o well, let's just see the editor to explain the situation, because he was of the idea that I was trying to send it to other publishers.

(here's the thing, sending my book to another publisher is never something that I had thought about. I would have done that ages ago when I was approached by some of the newer publishers during my PLAIN JANE years. the truth is, I am so comfortable with Karangkraf since I've started with them that changing my publisher is not ideal).

So I explain to him that I plan to stop writing for now sebab aku dah kehabisan idea (at least idea yang publishable. Idea yang merapu dan tak publishable memang banyak) dan the book industry is at its low sekarang since GST and kebanjiran novel dan publisher baru. I wanted my mss back sebab kalau tak dapat publish tahun ni, banyak yang I have to change since there are dates, songs based on those dates, dan event backdrop yang berkaitan the dates. I thought that if diorang taknak publish, then it's better that I take it back so that I can start anew with my project.

Ramai sangka aku merajuk, except my former AKU KAN NOVELIS editor Ecah, who totally understood where I was coming from. She was like, "Yelah, mestilah nak tarik balik kalau nak berhenti kan, supaya tak ada benda tu dalam fikiran". Oh my God, I thank You for Ecah.

So anyway, they decided to put my book in the schedule dan keluarkan tahun ni bulan Julai. And then somehow, tak jadi and delay sampai Oktober. Me being the pessimist who would think worse, decided untuk tak promote langsung before September, sebab aside from busy dengan kerja, I thought it would get delayed again. Tup-tup in early September ALAF keluar gamba kata dah print.

I was like, "What? But I haven't done anything!!!" and cecepat study camna nak guna photoshop (sebab akak yang dah tua ni dah malas nak belajar teknologi zaman sekarang).

So, for now, here's the details: the book is called AWAK SUNGGUH PERFECT, dan dipublish under banner ALAF 21 (kenapa? Sebab skrg Buku Prima fokus only on seram dan thriller.. or something like that). Untuk pembelian, mohon berikan maklumat seperti dibawah bagi urusan pos:
1. Nama Penuh.
2. Alamat Lengkap dan Poskod.
3. Nombor hp.
4. Nama yang mahu dicatitkan dalam buku.
Harga: RM27 + RM6 Kos POS LAJU.
Pembayaran melalui Maybank atas nama: Mohamad Feroz Bin Mohammad Zaini.
Nombor akaun - 112045101747.
Boleh kirimkan maklumat diatas samada melalui PM, sms atau whatsApp ke nombor 019 2254910 (Abang Long)

Setiap pembelian (for now) akan dapat:

sementara stok masih ada

Butterflies and Hurricanes

Today, I took back my manuscript from the publisher. And there had been speculations about why I did it. Some insinuated that I 'merajuk'. Some said that I got an offer from someplace else. Some even think that it has anything to do with royalty and publishing politics.

Sigh. People and speculations. 

So here's why.

I sent my manuscript on 11 April 2015. It was inspired by my (then still alive) cats, Mugabe, A'a, and Kimon (that's all I can say). In January 2016, I asked my editor about it, and he said that they have slotted in for April (as in for editing, not for release). April came and gone. By 11 May 2016, I asked him again, and then he told me.

There were some changes. Big changes. Not sure my manuscript will get to be released this year. So I asked him if I can take it back. He referred me to another editor. 

The second editor asked me why, and if I didn't want to write with Buku Prima again. I said that wasn't the case at all. It wasn't about money, about who gets what slot, merajuk and all that. Okay, so partly it is about the money, since I am 33. Let's be real. I am not writing for the fun of it. I write so I can eat and pay my bills. If I die today, I have nothing except for some cash in the bank, THAT's how dirt poor I am. So, it would be hypocritical for me to say that I am writing for the love of it. That shit ain't real. Girl gotta live.

Glad that's over with (I just get sick and tired with people trying to beautify the reality of life as a writer with words such as 'dream', 'passion', 'money don't matter' bladibla.... yeah, if you're 20. Try being a single woman at 33 working freelance. You got no time for that fable anymore).

Anyway. If you read my blog dated February, you would have already knew that I am burnt out as a writer. (Read the rest of the post because I am done talking about it and explaining it). It felt like I am doing the same thing over and over again. And I am Nurul Syahida. I don't do the same things over and over again. I used to quit my job with no plan at all. I invest in a business that goes nowhere, and then got entangled in a long court battle. That's how I roll (or Roul, if you catch my drift). I took a leap of faith, and more often than not, I failed. But failure, as much as success, is intoxicating. It even gets me closer to the Maker. 

But right now, I am at a point of my life that I am neither successful nor failed. I am at a static place, a place of comfort, where dreams die and passion goes to hell. I used to think at 30 I will migrate to Australia, selling karipap or kites at the beach. Living life. But where I am right now? At home, doing God knows what.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have what people called 'the writer's dream'. I don't dream of having my book on the bestseller's list for the rest of eternity. I don't dream of seeing it on the big screen (or the small screen for that matter). I don't dream about socialising with celebrities, becoming popular, becoming stinking rich that I can own my own island. My dream is simple. My dream is to become better. Better doesn't come with wealth and fame (having enough money to die and not worry about the family is enough). Better comes with growth.

When my editor told me about the big change in the company, I took it as a sign. The industry is at its balanced best/worst situation, people are getting skeptical about books, I keep on defending writers and books from naysayers than actually writing. I am already burned out from writing the same old thing. And here's my editor, telling me in a nutshell that the sales of my previous books are not putting me in the VIP section. I am a pariah, waiting for some accident in the schedules for my book to squeeze into. 

These are all signs. These are all reasons for me to try that leap of faith again. To do the things I always wanted to do but too afraid to do it for fear of losing what I already have. Now that I am losing what I already have, I have become scared. But it's a good scared. It's crazy "Shai is doing things with no Plan B" scared.

In short, I just want 60 year-old me (if I was still alive, that is. God knows who is holding the red button to the nuclear bombs right now, or if I am even alive next month) to know that I've tried. I want her to know that I took that leap, and that at the age of 60 (or 70 or whatever), I knew that the younger me didn't waste her time living in a comfort zone. That she tried. Succeeding or failing are not the measure here, but the mere fact that she wanted something and she tried getting it.

I owe that much to myself. 

So, what 'leap of faith' am I talking about? Pfft, like I'm gonna tell you that.

And for that manuscript, I don't know. I am still thinking about it. I may do some editing to suit the dates (it was written with the idea that everything ended in 2015 because it was the date I sent it, but now I have to change everything. And I mean everything!). I may publish it into a book, or I may just publish the content into my blog. I can't be selfish. I have readers, even if there isn't a lot of them.

But right now, I am high on that leaping energy. I am gonna go berserk for the rest of the year (questioning why am I doing this stupid crazy thing when I have something good going on, hitting my head on the table going "This is shit! This is shit!", and lie on the floor thinking about the purpose of life... oh yes, I am expecting all those things), but right now, that's all I want.

  

The randomness.

I am Frogger, the scaredy-cat amphibian who jumps across the busy street. 

Caring too much emotionally, and couldn't care less physically. Otherwise known as emotional laziness.

I think I am having a middle-age crisis at 32 (going on 33 in a month. Yay!).

So if you're having that crisis at age 32, can you call it middle-age crisis? Or should it have its own name? Like, semi-middle age crisis, or post-20s crisis, or stupid-shit-women-in-their-30s-have-after-annoying-people-with-their-problem-when-they-were-in-their-20s?

Or should I just call it "The Inexplicable Syndrome of Annoyance Exclusively Facing Nurul Syahida Kamarudin and The People Who Think Like Her"?

Here are my symptoms:
1. Being annoyed with the situation of the situation around her but not being able to say anything about it because the situation involves people who may be her friends and/or colleagues.
2. Being annoyed by the helplessness of her aforementioned situation and yet doesn't even have any desire to change it.
3. Annoyed with her apparent laziness in trying to make any effort to change a thing she hopes can change, and being all, "Why should I change it? Why can't I just express my annoyance with it and let other people do something about it instead?"

4. Wanting to make an effort to save herself from the quicksand that is slowly engulfing her soul, and at the same time just wanting someone to come save her because she is sick of saving herself.
5. Hating the thought of being the kind of woman she hates, when she said she wants to be saved.
6. Understanding that her actual issue stems from the fact that she cares too much both emotionally and mentally, and yet couldn't care less physically. Like for example, "I care about my friend A and I would like to talk to her sometimes. And yet, I am too lazy to pick up the phone."
7. Bored by the status-quo and yet not interested to move forward.

I think the root of this issue is the fact that I am not able to express the anger I have with it publicly, to say what I really want to say. I think that's the same issue some politicians have. They may start wide-eyed and ambitious, looking at the system through the lens of justice, and then finding themselves slowly being dragged into the dirt by other politicians, who, ironically, started off as a wide-eyed ambitious person who wants to do good in the world as well.

Like a faeces-infested circle of life.

It's the feeling of being trapped inside this stupidity, the kind of stupidity where you just kinda point at it while talking to your friend and asked them "Can't you see how stupid this is?" and your friend said, "Not that I can see", and you're like, "Oh my God this is so stupid. I can't express it with direct words and yet nobody seemed to understand metaphors, so how am I supposed to do this?", and finally realising that I can't get away from it unless I break free, and yet I am too lazy to do it.

Is this because I am Malay? Or because I am an introvert? Or because I was never wired to be a person who can uphold social justice? Or is it just because I am just too lazy?

I think it's the last one.

Burnt

Mungkin agaknya sudah penat.

Atau mungkin sebab aku rasa tak fresh lagi.





Aku ada niat nak berhenti menulis buat seketika. Insya-Allah lepas ini, lepas buku baru aku keluar (tatau la bila, tapi dalam tahun ni la, kata editor), aku nak berhenti menulis sekejap. Sekejap tu aku tak tahu sampai bila. Mungkin dua tiga tahun. Mungkin lebih cepat, atau mungkin lebih lama.

Bukan sebab aku kering idea. Dalam otak aku ada banyak idea. Macam-macam. Inside, outside, tepi, tengah, belakang, bawah box sume ada.

Tapi sebab aku rasa tak fresh. Dulu bila menulis, aku rasa seronok. Aku seronok share idea, aku seronok do all those "jengjengjeng...TWIST!" kind of thing. Tapi sejak akhir-akhir ni, twist feels stale. The industry itself feels stale to me. It was the same thing. Tulis. Edit. Publish. Jual. Sign buku. Baca review. Somehow amid all that, aku dah lupa keseronokannya.

Mungkin sebab dulu, masa aku menulis, aku fikir nak bagi orang terhibur dengan apa yang aku tulis, to make them feel that they're not alone in whatever it is they are going through. There was no need to compete, to make sure buku tu terjual dengan banyak, there was no need to worry about the economy, about TV adaptations, what else I should do to sell my craft. But the more you grow, the older you get, writing a book is no longer just for the sake of writing stories. It's about sales, it's about survival, it's about entering a world where there is competition all around. And in order to survive, you have to wear white in the sea of white.

Somehow, cita-cita aku yang dulunya "penulis novel yang ada kerja sampingan lain" dah bertukar. Kerja sampingan yang lain tu dah jadi kerja tetap, dan menulis novel dah jadi sampingan sebab I need to live and writing a book just doesn't cut it. It doesn't pay the bills. I used to not care about the money, and cherish the excitement of telling stories. But even telling stories doesn't excite me anymore.

I will find my way. I will make my return. Maybe sooner than anybody expected. But for now, aku nak berenti sekejap. Aku dah 32 tahun. Aku perlu ada hala tuju. I am sick of the same love story. Kalau tak, aku akan continue spewing the same thing over and over again because the market is like that, and my readers will just say, "She's burnt out".

Aku berborak dengan seorang fellow writer yang juga dah mula rasa bosan menulis, yang nak tulis sesuatu yang lebih daripada apa yang dia biasa tulis. Tapi katanya it's like trying to do a stand-up comedy dalam Maharaja Lawak. You can make the funniest commentary about the socio-political situation of the world, but in the end orang gelak gila tengok pelawak yang pakai baju perempuan.

Hmmm....