Ptuih-tis

Dulu banyak yang aku sungguh-sungguhkan.

Sekarang aku persetankan.

Banyak yang aku doakan.

Sekarang aku biarkan.

Banyak yang aku perjuangkan.

Sekarang aku ketawakan.

Banyak yang aku pertaruhkan.

Sekarang aku biarkan tergadai.

Ada yang tidak cukup nilainya untuk dipertimbangkan.
Ada yang tidak cukup nilainya untuk diabadikan.
Ada yang tidak cukup nilainya untuk disimpan.

Sudah hampir dua tahun aku melalak dan melaung di sini
Tiba masanya untuk aku berbicara dengan sepi
Bukan mencari pada yang mau mengerti
Tapi yang mau mengabdi
Soliloqui

of stuff

Have you ever realised that the things that you want so bad feels so wrong that you pray to be shown something right, only to end up having it in front of you, teasing, taunting, wanting you to step into the line that you have created? Every single time?

As a Muslim, you ask and pray for answers. And you were taught that things happen for a reason and sometimes that reason is not for you to learn, but for someone else to ponder.

And sometimes it confuses you because you just want to live peacefully. Or be selfish and think why do I have to be the sacrificial lamb for someone else's lesson?

Nauzubillahi min zalik.

But a test is a test, and no matter how massive or how trivial, it still has an impact on life itself.

If I can just find the perfect balance for all this.

Maxis Broadband. Well, let me tell you.
It's a piece of shit.
Why would someone pays RM118 per month just to get a connection slower than your average dial-up? I think it's time for Maxis to learn the reason why so many people change to Celcom and DIGI now, and of course P1 W1MAX.

I know it has been raining and all that, but stop being ridiculous. My work consist of internet, internet and more internet. I am a writer. I need internet connection like Morgan Freeman needs his otherworldly voice.

Writing the blog too has been quite a bore and I now understand why. I got no feedback from people. Writing is all about feedbacks. If not, it just feels like writing a diary and if that's it, it's better to write a diary instead. At least I don't need to be diplomatic about it. I can just trash anybody I want.

Urgh, I can't go on. This bloody internet is making me boil with anger.

Pukul 3 pagi

Akukah yang kalut itu
ketika mencari erti hidup yang sebenarnya
terhanyut dalam impian orang lain
dan terus hilang bersama angan kosong

Akukah si bebal itu
yang fikir dia fahami segalanya
dan cuba lari apabila ribut melanda
dan terus berlari sekalipun hujannya dah reda

Akukah yang tidak faham
bahawa hukum dunia ini sudah termeteri
cuba mencari satu erti
dalam banyak definisi dan interpretasi

Akukah yang lemas itu
dalam lautan yang cuba aku hindari
tanpa pelampung dan tong oksigen
terkapai mencari yang Hakiki

Bukan.
Itu bukan aku.

-Shailaden 0309am-

shetypes

*Edited*

Cuba kau teka warna hatiku
Bukan merah kerana tiada kehangatan di dalamnya
bukan biru kerana aku tidak berduka
bukan kuning kerana aku tidak sakit
bukan putih kerana aku bukan malaikat
bukan hijau kerna aku hanya insan biasa
bukan hitam kerana aku bukan syaitan

Hatiku aku tiada bentuk dan tiada rupa
Hanya ada jiwa

-Shailaden 0340am-

Tanya Sama itu Syahida, lang masilang kui masikui

So here's the thing...


"Tujuh puluh tiga pintu, tujuh puluh tiga jalan, yang sampai hanya satu jalan,
Ribu-ribu margasatua, mencari Raja Si Murag, yang sampai hanya tiga puluh..."

This is a line from that song "Tanya Sama Itu Hud-hud". For all this while, my dad has taught me the whole meaning of the lyrics but never this one line. I was never satisfied by it, since this is the line that I wanted to know most. So I dig it up like some weird Dan Brown-ish book character trying to decode messages and here's what I found. (Yay me! So bored, that she studied)

So, Raja si Murag actually is a mythical creature from Persian literature. It is called 'Simurgh' (and of course in Malay term it's called Si Murag), and it looked like some kind of griffin bird (if you watch Harry Potter, you'll know how a Griffin looks like). Okay, so.... the story is like this. Thousands of birds, lead by burung Hudhud were adamant in finding Simurgh - the kings of all birds in order to gain the highest knowledge... you know, like some kind of Maslow's Self Actualisation thing... as you all know, Hud Hud (hoopoe bird) is the bird of wisdom, as in the story of Nabi Sulaiman (Solomon) and the Queen of Saba (Ratu Balqis). In Malay culture, Hudhud is a symbol of knowledge. So, in their quest to find Simurgh, there's a long story about how certain birds went astray, some lost its focus and fell victim to the world's beauty and all those ladidas (which is of course, is a metaphor for human's ignorance and all that).

And in the end, only thirty birds arrived at the place where it is said that Simurgh resides, Hudhud still leading them. But in the end, they realise that there is no Simurgh, and that Simurgh is actually all thirty of them.... as in Persian language, Simurgh means 'Thirty' and the gathering of all thirty birds created a sight of this Simurgh creature.

In short, what the line in that song really meant is that, there will be so many of us looking for "something", but many of us will finally succumb to the world's pleasure and only those who finally find the thing they seek (or in Ar-Rummi's word - 'the one that cannot be found') will realise that they have acquire a lot and that is itself the discovery. Only then that God will open their eyes.

See, that's why I love M.Nasir and Loloq.

Tanya Sama Itu Hud Hud - M.Nasir

BUS RIDING

So, I was waiting for the U80 bus after the press preview for fifteen minutes before the first one arrives. But then suke-suke hati je it went pass by even though there are only few people inside it. I mean, buses are only allowed to do that if it's friggin full. As I was cursing inside my heart, a U64 bus stops in front of me, the door opens, and the abang driver rambut PLKN asked me where am I heading to.

Hmm.. why do we always call people that we don't know by their physicalities? I mean, 'makcik gemuk' atau 'pakcik botak' or 'mamat keding'... I mean, heck, I don't want strangers calling me names like 'akak hidung panjang' atau 'awek Pakistan' behind my back. So, let's give them proper names, eyh? Like, let us call abang driver bas rambut PLKN as encik Amin (I know it's not his name, but it's better than 'rambut PLKN').

So, encik Amin called me and asked me where I'm heading to and I said that I am taking u80. He told me to get on board anyway, so I did. You know what encik Amin did? He chased the U80 bus that just passed me by earlier, until sampai depan Abdullah Hukum so I could get on it. Cool. See, that's why sometimes I love being in a bus. These little things and good people, like encik Amin U64.

And anyway, I just realised how we tend to use physicalities in judging things. Like, when we're mad at someone. Often we said, "Eyh, nasib baikla dia hensem, kalau tak dah lama aku pakuk kepala dia."
I mean, it's kinda double standard in a way. I mean, so, if a jerk is ugly, he deserved to be hated, but if he's handsome all's forgiven? Well, then, if people are angry at me, they must be really keen on hitting me, because never once in my life anybody said "Nasib baik ko cantik, kalau tak dah lama aku sepak..."

Let's not use such words, can we? Ugly, pretty, handsome, beautiful, plain... if you're a jerk, you're still an A-class Pain in the Ass. Being more good looking doesn't make you any better.

Ah, maybe I'm the only one who think too much.