When you give him heart

Masa aku nak start tulis kisah Wulan dalam 3HATI, I talked to some of my friends.... my (oh my God I can't believe I'm saying this) 'player' friends... just to get the general ideas about their life, things they do, stuff they say, their inner thoughts, etc.

And when A (bukan nama sebenar... nama sebenar dia Adrian, ahahahahah... macam pointless je letak initial ala mysterious) asked me how I am going to end the story, and I told him, he said, "That won't cut it la, Syahida."

"Eh, kenapa pulak tak?"

"Girls loves players. That won't cut it."

"They do. But then they learn their lesson."

"No, they don't. You did. But most of them don't."

And then he proceed talking about how I write Neal in my book, saying that I am processing the character too much, giving him heart and all that.

"Chick digs that," he said (he didn't say 'dig', I was just trying to sound all American and cool in this post... did I succeed?)

"Of course la," aku kata. "Chick loves tragic bad guys with backstories. That's what Neal akan kata dalam cerita ni. Dia akan explain teori tu, how chicks are so easily swayed by back stories of how a bad boy becomes bad boy, and how he used that to reel them in."

"Tapi kalau you memang nak tulis pasal bad boy gone good, they will forget the fact about him being bad and would want the guy to win in the end. Chick loves bad boys learning how to love mahh. That's how players breathe and survive the game."

Aku kata ini just novel, and people will get it. People will get why Wulan did what she did.

Tapi kata A (memang nama sebenar), "What you did was reality, Syahida. But people tak suka reality. Diorang nak fantasy. Kau burukkanlah macam mana pun, in the end, they will want the guy to succeed. Sebab dalam dunia fantasy, semua orang deserves a second chance and people who don't give them are twats." (his words, not mine).

Aku kata tak. Pembaca dah matang. Dia orang dah tau read between the lines. That's why Cecelia Ahern works. Cecelia tak pernah spoon-feed her readers. She makes them think. "PS I Love You" tak end with watak utama finding someone new to replace her husband. She found herself and the rest is just readers concluding her happily ever-afters for her. "If You Could See Me Now" tak end up with Ivan turning human. It ends with Elizabeth finding herself, and again, readers conclude her happily ever-afters for her. Dalam "The Time of My Life", Lucy memang end up with that carpet guy, tapi that's not the main point of the story. The carpet guy is just one of the crossroads in her finding herself. Every single novel written by Ahern is a self-reflecting journey. Kalau pembaca Ahern boleh faham itu, maksudnya people can understand Wulan. Wulan is not as complex a character like Lucy or Elizabeth or Holly, but she is also finding herself. These people who came into her life, Neal, Henry, Joy, even James... is the crossroads. 

And A answered something like this, "Nope. Girls love badboys. I cakap ni based on experience. You give him heart and they will pity him. They will want his happily ever-afters and disregard Wulan's. They will think it's Wulan's happiness too, instead of realising that it will only break her in the end. If you give her independence, you can't give him heart. It will backfire."

Aku tak dengar cakap Adrian. Dia bukan novelis. He was only speaking from an ex-player's standpoint. 

But sometimes, I wish I did listen to him.

Seorang novelis dan seorang wanita bernama Safiah (amaran: takde kaitan dengan AKN whatsoever)

Mari aku bercerita tentang sesuatu yang berlaku di PWTC.

Takyah serius sangat, cerita takdelah macam membuka minda dan mengubah persepsi dunia ke ape ke. Just cerita aku.

Aku seorang novelis. Dan itu bermakna, apabila buku aku keluar pada sekian2 tahun, aku akan menghadiri Pesta Buku Antarabangsa untuk sesi tandatangan dan bertemu pembaca. (Member aku kata, "Pehh, hipster sangatlah ko, tanak panggil "peminat" as "peminat", panggil "reader".... jawapannya ialah kerana, orang baca buku aku tak semestinya minat aku. Toksah perasan.)

Jadi sebagai seorang seorang penulis, aku suka waktu bertemu pembaca. Bukan sebab aku rasa macam dihargai (okay, fine, ada la rasa sikit, tapi kena tahan, kalau tak jadi riak nanti, rezeki tak berkat), tapi sebab aku suka bila orang datang dan beritahu aku apa yang mereka suka baca dan macam mana certain2 things yang aku tulis tu bagi impact kepada diorang. Tak semestinya diorang suka cerita tu as a whole. Itu tak penting bagi aku. Yang paling penting ialah that certain parts in the book that they took to their heart, that uplift their spirit, or made them realise about things, and all that. Pada aku itu bonus. Itu yang membuatkan ko rasa bersyukur, walaupun buku ko tak laris. Aku rasa itu juga perasaan seorang guru, bila anak muridnya yang dah dewasa datang dan beritahu dia, "Cikgu, saya ingat lagi masa cikgu kata...."

Banyak yang aku cuba perbaiki bila aku di Pesta Buku. Contohnya, kebolehan aku berkomunikasi. Aku sangat suck in communicating with people. I hate small talks like asking "Where you're from?", "What's your occupation?" dan semua2 tu. Kalau ikut diri aku sebenar, I would cut to the chase and ask the big questions, like, "What do you think of death?"... tapi nanti orang ingat aku tak normal pulak, susah.

Tapi ada satu yang paling aku harap aku tak buat: TAK MELAYAN ORANG.

Aku harap aku dapat beri perhatian pada semua orang equally. It's hard, considering we as human being have different brainwaves. Ada yang bila jumpa aku akan terus berbual dengan aku macam kawan. Ada juga yang pandang aku dengan awe, terus pandang aku dengan awe sementara aku sign buku dan lepas tu pandang aku dengan awe sambil mintak nak bergambar sama2. (we all do that sometimes. I never did, but I won't know how I would react if I came across Stephen King).

Tapi senang kata, kalau boleh aku nak berbual dengan semua orang dan dengar pendapat semua orang yang datang jumpa aku.

Tapi 4 Mei lepas, ramaaaai gileeee orang kat PWTC. Nak berbual panjang pun tak dapat sebab ada pada satu2 masa tu, orang datang dengan ramai sangat2. Ada seorang akak ni. Aku ingat nama dia.

Kak Safiah. (atau ejaan nama dia Safiyah kot, yang tu aku tak berapa nak ingat).

Kak Safiah datang minta tandatangan buku. Lepas tu dia beritahu aku yang dia dah baca semua buku-buku yang aku tulis. Tapi entah kenapa, masa tu otak aku blank. Aku ada banyak soalan, Paling suka yang mana? Apa pendapat akak? etc etc etc... Tapi  entah kenapa masa tu aku just pandang dia, ucap terima kasih dan went, "Aaaahhh..."

Aku nak sambung tanya soalan, tapi disebabkan bunyi bingit dari bebudak promo kat PA System, aku tak dapat nak sampaikan apa soalan aku. And Zara Amani kat sebelah aku tarik lengan baju aku. Aku pandang si Zara Amani.

"Kak, cepat sign buku!" katanya, menghulur 3 HATI yang dia dah sign pada aku. Depan Zara Amani, ada beberapa orang tengah tunggu aku sign.

Tanpa cakap "excuse me" atau minta Kak Safiah tunggu (sebab otak aku serabut dengan bunyi bingit masa tu), aku terus sign buku tu. Aku ingat nak sambung balik berbual dengan Kak Safiah, tapi pemilik buku 3 HATI yang baru ditandatangan tu mintak ambil gambar. Jadi aku pun akur dan terus bergambar.

Bila aku pusing balik, Kak Safiah dah tak ada. Aku tak sempat pun nak bagi dia button badge 3 HATI.

It's normal that sometimes you are not able to cater to everybody. It is. You can't help it. Most famous writers would not think about that at all, as it would just hinder their other readers. Tapi aku tak boleh lupa the fact that Kak Safiah tu hilang bila aku pusing. Aku yakin dia pun tak kisah dan faham keserabutan aku masa tu, tapi itu tak bermakna aku boleh let that go. I can't let go the fact that a person said something good about my books and I wasn't able to react and didn't get to talk to them properly.

Why can't I let go?

Let me tell you why.

I am the second child. Aku ada kakak dan dua orang adik lelaki. My sister was loved so much because she was the first born ever in our big family. My brother was loved so much because after three girls (my sister, me and my cousin Nana), he was the first boy. My youngest brother was loved so much because he's the youngest in the family, bukan sahaja dalam keluarga aku, tapi sebagai waris keturunan.

As a second born, I was "nothing new". Aku bukanlah nak kata mak dengan bapak aku tak sayang aku, tapi I was a "been there done that". I'm not the eldest, not the first of my sex and not the youngest. I was Malcolm in the Middle. So for all my life, I strive to get noticed. I strive to be noticed in the family and I notice everybody because I know how suck it is when you're invisible to other people. I try my best to please and making sure people don't hate me. Kawan-kawan aku kata aku perlu let go dan aku tak boleh harap semua orang akan jaga hati aku macam aku jaga hati diorang, tapi it's not something that I can control.

Even kat FB pun, aku ambil masa yang lama untuk belajar bahawasanya ada masanya aku tak dapat nak jawab semua PM atau balas semua komen, and kena belajar untuk accept bahawasanya my readers will understand if I didn't, and if they don't, I just have to accept it too.

Bila Kak Safiah pergi dan aku tak sempat nak salam pun, aku rasa macam it's a big deal. I don't want to be that person yang ignore people. I cherish every single people who came to see me when I get to see them, and aku rasa rimas dan tak selesa dalam hati bila aku tak berjaya jadi apa yang aku nak. Walaupun cuma dengan seorang. Walaupun cuma dengan Kak Safiah.

Anyway, kalau Kak Safiah membaca entry blog ni somehow atau ada kenalannya yang membaca entry ni, saya nak kata yang saya minta maaf sebab tak berjaya meluangkan masa berbual dengan akak macam akak luangkan masa membaca tulisan saya, and I hope that we can meet again next time...

The same goes for all my constant readers. I love y'all (baca dengan suara Britney Spears).

That small old man...

Did I ever tell you the story of my father? I think I told the story far too many times, but what the heck...

My father, like most men born in the 40s and grew up in the 50s, were not a religious man. When he was studying in Indonesia, he was not serious about his deen. Everybody who knew him at the time will remember that he once said, "Aku akan berubah bila Sungai Ciliwung bersih"...

(Which is like saying, I will change when Sungai Klang is clean, which is a no-brainer).

But one day, when he returned from Indonesia and was repairing a television without switching the electricity off, he got electrically shocked. He fell down and fainted. After a while, he woke up and told my mother, "Tuhan masih sayangkan aku."

He changed from then on. He started going to usrahs, learn more about the religion and never once forgot to do his tahajjuds. He began befriended pious people, which include Haji Kamarudin and Pak Cik Syafril. He also started to read books and listens to sermons made by this one ustaz, at that time already known as Tuan Guru Nik Abdul Aziz. The man had already become a politician at the time, but not yet a Kelantan CM. At the time, Kelantan was still under the rule of Barisan Nasional.

So as it is, the first politician that I ever knew was TGNA, not Mahathir, Anwar Ibrahim nor Najib Razak. Not just as a politician, but as a teacher, a Muslim icon and the man who had an influence on my father's change. He was a small man, just like my father. I liked him almost instantly.

I was taught about patience from watching him - he was mocked, ridiculed, being called so many names, challenged, by those who hated him. And yet he persevered. He kept on going. No matter what people say, he continued on and said that it would be shameful for him to stop and fall victim by others' words, when the Prophet Muhammad himself was bashed with stones by people who hated him.

I learned that life is not simple, watching how he continuously being misunderstood, his words being twisted and turned to make him look like a crazy old Kaum Tua man who babbles on and on about things. But he didn't stop from expressing his ideas, accepting if he was wrong and stressing if he knew he was right.

I learned that he is also just a man, that sometimes can't help but feel hurt by the words of others. But that's the way it is. If it was too easy, then the world will not teach you anything and that you will be living in such a dreary life with no lessons learned.

And respecting him as a leader once upon a time caused me much misery too. Friends called me "traitor" and asked me to leave the country if I hate it so much, when I did was only stating that I  hoped to see what TGNA wanted to see in future.

He is old now and it's time to let him rest a bit. He may not be able to get to see and to govern in an Islamic state like he always wanted, but more or less, his hopes of seeing more ulama' being respected, more Islamic education, more people covering their aurah, have been realised. And I hope that even though that I will never be able to be one of the executors of his vision, I would be one of the people who will get to support and see it being realised.

Inshaa-Allah.

 
"Betul, Allah itu Maha Mengetahui. Tapi bukankah molek kalau kita luahkan permintaan dan aduan kita kepadaNya? Sebenarnya Allah Maha Mengetahui diri kita lebih daripada diri kita sendiri. Tapi Allah nak dengar daripada mulut kita sendiri. Allah nak tengok bibir kita digerak-gerakkan untuk meminta padaNya. Allah sebenarnya nak dnegar suara kita." - TGNA, BICARA INI DEMI ILAHI.

And why you should never forgive a bad judge

Life is really weird.

Just when you thought that everything is going to be okay, that life has become much easier, a tornado hits again. And you sat there thinking what did I do to deserve this?

But I am sick of asking myself what did I do to deserve this. As much as I hate to be burdened by problems, I find that life would be better if we don't ask questions.

For example, God has granted us the victory in our case. But the happiness did not last long. We are living in the world where it's people who make the rules instead. Imagine if you're in my place. You have been cheated by a company that uses the religion for worldly gain. You bought something from them and it turns out that they are managing their company on faux pas. Illegal. So you turned to the judicial system - the place where the rules are kept. You followed the law because you want to start your business the right way.

So then you went on trial for three days. Witnesses were called. The defendants were so bad, and heck, if you can see how shit they are on the stand, you would laugh and would not send your kids to their pre-school. They were hypocrites of the acutest kind. They deny everything. We won because we told the truth. It took three days for the judge, a female judge if I may say, to understand the case.

But they were not satisfied. When we refused to take the RM20,000 bribe (they call it 'settle outside court', I'll call it bribe... kepala hotak kau dah kalah baru nak try settle outside court), they went to the Court of Appeal. They debated the case for two hours in front of three judges. Two of the judges think that we were right. But the head judge failed to listen. Despite our lawyer's many evidences, he kept on turning to just one act in the agreement. Act 13.8. Instead, he blamed the ministry man (who told us earlier that we should not continue operating our business because the parent company is operating illegally) , saying that the ministry guy gave us the wrong facts. It's as if he's saying that "You're screwed for following the law". Yes. A judge. A head judge. And so the other two just followed suit. Heck, who would go against the head judge, eyh?

The Court of Appeal went on for two hours. Imagine. Only two hours, not three days, like it was the first time. And in those two hours, the three abominable judges ruled that the other party won. The other party won, despite the fact that they were operating a business illegally, the fact that they did not have any proof against us, the fact that we have won a case that have been on trial for three days, the fact that none of the questions our lawyer asked them were answered truthfully and they were lying under oath. Two hours. Only two hours to take it all away.

And it took me only an hour to not trust the judicial system anymore, at least not the judges. I will never forgive them. They will be hold accountable, in the court of Allah. Not just for me, but for the injustice they have burdened upon my friend Nadiah and her two growing kids, to my friend Munira who has been working non-stop just to support the case, to my friend Fatimah who just recently gave birth and needed money more than ever, and to my old parents. I should have been the daughter who took care of them and yet I couldn't give them as much as they deserved because the three judges could not take more time to understand deeply what they were presented with and because a company cheated our money and felt that they will never be held accountable for anything.

But in spite of all that, I think the whole experience has taught me to be harder, colder, tougher, more than ever towards human being in general. It taught me that in my life, I am my only captain in the rough sea in my journey to the Afterlife.

But it also taught me that I will never be able to put my trust in anything other than God (especially not to a judge). And I believe that He is the best of judge. My predicament may be smaller than others. I mean, this is nothing compared to what my fellow Palestinians and Syrians face each day. Not a day gone by that I don't give thanks for the peace that I have, the dreams that were realised, the problems that made me realise how small I am in this world. And I am thankful that I am always reminded of who I am when too many of us forget easily.

And I pray for a stronger self. A good health. A peace of mind. And that one day when I'm gone, I will not leave my burden of debt behind, to myself, to my parents, to my society and to Him.

God is Great.

My life has never been simple. If it is, it's not mine.

"I had no idea that a court of appeal can reverse a judgment by completely ignoring the evidence and findings of the High Court. What kind of an appeal process is this exactly - when all it does is ignores the facts? If it practices ignorance, then it's quite obvious that it's going to come to a different conclusion." - Daniel Collin Lazaroo

.

Of writing love

The older you get, the more you want to write about the reality of things, the "what is" rather than "what could/should be". And with rom-com being the choice of many readers nowadays, one cannot shed one's writing from trying the same type of plotline - berjumpa, bergaduh, jatuh cinta.

Bertemu-bergaduh-jatuh cinta is the easiest thing there is for anybody to write. I can create ten books in a year if that's the only thing I have to write. Tapi kalau aku kembali ke realiti sebenar kehidupan: You will never want to be with someone you fight and hate.

Have you heard the theory about a stalker and a romantic?

If a guy you kinda like calls you all the time, sends you messages, follows you around - you call them a romantic.
If a guy you hate calls you all the time, sends you messages, follows you around - you call them a stalker.

But if you shed away your feelings of love and hatred, the acts are the same. It's not what the guy does. it's what you feel in the first place that gave them the label.

That is the rule. But there is an exception to the rule - If you somehow falls in love after loathing that person.

But after 6 years of being a novelist, I find writing such scenes tedious. It's like writer's death. In my real life, I am not an exception to the rule. I find that I am still not interested with the guy who has been trying to approach me for five years now. And guys I fight with? I seriously hate them. There is no that gaduh2 manja kind of thing. When I fight, I fight hard and we all hate each other for it. The kind of man I like are usually the ones that I have known for such a long time, and even that is rare.

(And when I said "kind of man I like", this does not mean they like me back, because my life is not that damn easy. Hahaha)

In my books, I wanted to write a little piece of me. But it's hard to write stories of my life, because the stories of my life have no hero to save the day, no huge success to call my own, no a-ha moment where you feel like, "Shit, I frikken love my life!". It has its ups and downs, but mediocre at its best.

But people would not want to read a story where there is no hero to save the day. I mean, you can write those kind of books in the UK or US, where feminism calls for women to stand up on their two feet. Living in Malaysia, I find that women love the notion of being saved. It doesn't matter if they save their life themselves - without a hero, people would not like to read it.

I wrote a little piece of me in Zulaikha - a studious Political Science student. I could have made her like me totally, but nobody would want to read a book about a Political Science student who spends all her time studying and sleeping.

I wrote a little piece of me in Balkis - Sarcastic chubby girl with no style who finds that she has nothing great. I still have that feeling of being that girl sometimes, especially after eating after 10pm.

I wrote a little piece of me in Safiah - A novelist who spends her time listening to other people's problems. However, in my real life, I usually remove and block stalking guys ala Roul.

I wrote a piece of me in Mariyyah - someone who can't get over things as quickly as everybody else. A lot of people hated Mariyyah for not being able to move on for three years. Well, I was that kind of person, if you want to know.

I wrote a piece of me in Wulan - a woman who finds that she can live her life on her own. But of course, in this country, women find that other women who can live on their own (doesn't mean she hates men, just that actually living alone as a choice, not as some kind of feminism disease) to be sad people that have no love life.

Here are the realities of things, readers. Sometimes you are alone because you have no luck in love, but sometimes you are alone because you chose to be. Sometimes you're married because of love and sometimes you are married because you're scared that you'll be too old and alone. Sometimes you chose a man because of his traits, sometimes because of his looks, sometimes because you just fell inexplicably in love with them and sometimes because you were just being spiteful to another man who rejected you. Sometimes you marry early and stays with each other forever, and sometimes divorce happen. Sometimes you sacrifice for love but love doesn't come your way and sometimes you cheated on love but it keeps on coming for you.

What you think now, what you aspire about love and relationship now may change in few years time. I was a girl who used to find love annoying when I was a kid. Then I saw it as something inspiring when I was a teenager. In my early 20s, I find love to be selective. In my mid 20s, I find love to be political. In my working era, love is ridiculous. And in my late 20s, love to be something so precious that it does not knock on your heart as easily at the sight of the most perfect man you've ever met.

I hope to be able to write these for my readers, so that as the definition of love grows and varies for me, it grows and varies for others too. And that while there are happily ever afters, we all learn that it comes in many forms - and that everybody can learn to cherish the many forms of love God has given us.

Just doing my thing

I think I would like to adopt that school of thought. Of just doing my thing. Whatever the hell is the trend nowadays, whatever it is that people love to read these days, whatever the subject matter that mattered currently, I am just gonna do my thing.

"You should write stories about married life. It's the trend nowadays."
Nope. I will just do my thing.

"You should try e-book or e-novel..."
Nope. I will just do my thing.

"Don't you think this whole thing is a mess?"
I don't know. I just wanna do my thing.

"Indie. That's the way to go."
Thanks, but I'll just do my thing.

"Try literature. Write for Dewan Bahasa for example."
I'll just do my thing.

This is not me not being ambitious. But yesterday, as I was trying to write, albeit frustratingly with all the other stuff - like the situation with the community nowadays, with people keep saying that this book is better than that book or this theme is better than that theme, and that I should do this kind of project or that kind of project, while people around going "Malay books are shit", "I only read indie books", "Love stories are crap, thriller is the coolest", "I can't understand her mundane writing..."... - I realised that I wanted to return to who I was in 2007, when I was writing PLAIN JANE - a story about mediocrity.

Back then, there was no 'who writes better and who gets the most royalty'. Everybody's the same. We applaud those who got it good and in return, they advertise our books for us. I was "that writer who writes about normal things and normal situations". We were writers, not celebrities. There were only few of us and we keep it tight.

The first few writers that I met was Kak Shahriah Abdullah, Kak Dyza Ainun, Kak Ramlah Rashid, Kak Kamsiah Abu, Kak Siti Rosmizah, Kak Indah Hairani, Kak Ebriza Aminuddin, back when Buku Prima was an unknown entity and people go "Buku Prima? You mean Media Prima?" when you said that you write for Buku Prima.

But I liked it then. I was one of the younger writers. And we all just "doing our thing". We were not competing to write faster so that we can get in line and our book can be published that year or squeezing our brains off to write what people want so that we can be a bestseller. Our readers are people who love what we wrote from our hearts, not what we wrote for the sake of them.

I love those days and I want to return to those days.

I wanna just do my thing.

Nak letak gambar ramai2 tapi ada yang masih belum bertudung masa tu...

SA1235am

syaitan itu adalah
hasutan
rasa tidak sabar
kemarahan
curiga
kebencian
perli-memerli
kutukan belakang-belakang
pujian depan-depan
gah dengan harta
menjadikan diri mangsa keadaan
meminta simpati yang berlebihan
tidak memahami
tidak menjelaskan
terlalu banyak yang diharamkan
terlalu banyak juga yang dihalalkan

syaitan itu
adalah yang memiliki semuanya
dan bangga memilikinya
"Aku saja yang jahat,
jangan dekat"
"Dia budak baik,
tapi aku cemarkan dengan aktiviti yang sia-sia"

syaitan itu
adalah aku yang tidak dapat mengubah apa-apa maka membiarkan semuanya dan memilih untuk duduk di atas pagar dan meraikan kejahilan sendiri kerana menganggap usaha itu hanya patut dilakukan oleh orang yang mulia tanpa ingin diri sendiri menjadi sebahagian daripadanya.

Shah Alam
12.35am

The very many faces of Phibun

If you're a constant reader of my blog, you would know that I used to have a blue-eyed Snowshoe buddy (tak beli, his mum was a local typical cat... must've had a Snowshoe dad, I guess) called Phibun. It had been with me since 2008, one of the worst years of my life and had been the most loyal (not so much as 'loyal'... more like co-dependent) thing ever. I took care of it since it was just a teeny tiny little tot. It died last year on this day due to jaundice. I never mentioned him ever again after his death, 'cause I thought talking about him makes me sad. It still makes me sad, even today.

You think, "Come on now. It's just a cat."

But to tell you the truth, this sarcastic-looking thing has been with me through the thickest of the thins. Was there when I broke down circa 2009-2010 and was there when I picked up the pieces in 2011. One day I hope I will get to see him again. Insha-Allah :)

In memory of Phibun Songkram August 2008 - 15 March 2012

  

Alkisah Liza Nur, Nurul Syahida & Zara Amani

Masa tu tahun 2010. Berborak-borak dengan si Zara Amani di Yahoo Chat (masa zaman Yahoo Chat masih lagi relevan dan dunia belum lagi ditakluki Mark Zuckerberg). Membebel tentang isu hidup yang entah apa-apa. Tahap bebelan yang agak kronik apatah lagi di kala itu aku masih lagi stressed out dengan kes mahkamah.

Aku kata yang aku pernah terfikir nak bekerjasama dengan orang lain dan hasilkan novel sama-sama tapi setiap kali aku cadagkan kat kawan-kawan, dia orang "Ha"-kan je tapi in the end projek entah ke mana.

"Jom?" ajak si Zara Amani, yang ketika itu baru keluar novel pertama.
"Jom ajak Kak Liza sekali!" ujar Zara Amani lagi. Masa tu aku dan Liza Nur belum pernah berjumpa lagi. Aku tahu buku-bukunya tapi aku tak pernah tengok orangnya. Aku cuma kenal dia melalui gambar-gambar yang orang lain post di Facebook.

Sebelum kehadiran Zara Amani dan Liza Nur, aku macam penulis solo yang walk the earth alone. Geng aku masa tu, Kak Siti (Rosmizah) dah buka publishing house sendiri dan tak lagi bergerak bersama Buku Prima. Bukanlah aku tak rapat dengan penulis lain. Aku rapat jugak dengan para penulis lain, macam (Siti Nur) Dhuha, Kak Sha(hriah Abdullah), Kak Liza (Nazihatul Hanan), Kak Ilah (Ramlah Rashid) dan Cik Ebi (Ebriza Aminudin), tapi taklah sampai call dan borak entah apa-apa sampai pukul lima pagi. Biasanya kalau aku ke majlis-majlis Buku Prima, aku suka berbual dengan para editor dan learn a few things or two about the stuff behind the scenes.

Tapi pada bulan Jun 2010, aku pergi Pesta Buku Selangor. Masa tu AKU KAN NOVELIS masih lagi panas di pasaran. Kat situ aku berkenalan dengan si Zara Amani. Cakaaaaaaaaap tak berhenti-henti. The thing is, sebagai orang yang introverted, aku lebih prefer orang yang bercakap tak berhenti-henti. Tanya kawan aku si Iza. Aku berkawan dengan dia sebab dia boleh bercakap lima enam topik non-stop. It's easier to be friends with these talkative people, because it made it easier for me not to be awkward dan mencari-cari benda nak diperkatakan.

Zara Amani, on the other hand, start rapat dengan Liza Nur bila diorang digandingkan dengan Abang Ramlee Awang Murshid dalam satu event di MPH, Mid Valley even before we met. And somehow, entah macam mana, we just clicked. Cara penulisan kami tak sama langsung. While Liza Nur mempunyai kosa kata dan susunan ayat yang cantik dan narratif yang sangat buat aku jeles (tengoklah susunan ayat aku yang entah apa-apa ni),  Zara Amani pula menulis things as it is tanpa neglect gaya penceritaannya. Liza has the soft and smooth way of telling things, Zara Amani pula mix antara reality and fantasy in a systematic blend.

Aku? Aku langgar semua benda. I write about feces and relationship in one sentence.

Jadi kami bertiga punya gaya yang sangat berbeza tapi somehow kami click. Zara boleh sambung idea yang tersangkut dalam otak kau dan Liza boleh susun jadi something yang more comprehensible. Jadi jika one day, anda membaca prolog dan epilog TIGA HATI, ketahuilah bahawa walaupun TIGA HATI mempunyai tiga cerita berbeza dengan tiga penulisan berbeza, kami bertiga tulis epilog dan prolog bersama-sama. Dua bahagian itu - epilog dan prolog itu merupakan gabungan tulisan ketiga-tiga penulis and we hope that while reading it, you would know who wrote which sentence and which paragraph.

TIGA HATI merupakan hasil perbualan tiga orang novelis ketika mereka bertemu di Majlis Pertemuan/Mesyuarat Novelis Grup Buku Karangkraf. Sementara orang lain semua pergi makan tengah hari sebelum kembali untuk sesi seterusnya, aku, Liza dan Zara lepak di dalam dewan sambil berbincang tentang plot, babak dan susunan.

Novel ni ditulis dari tiga perspektif. Sekalipun epilog dan prolog ditulis bersama-sama, tiga kisah di dalamnya ditulis secara individu. TIGA HATI merupakan kisah tiga strangers yang pernah bertemu tapi tidak berkenalan. Ia kisah kita semua - where sometimes as we wait for the train to come, or as we sat in the train, on our journey, we met a lot of people, but we did not introduce ourselves to them. They're just people, strangers that we are not interested in knowing. Tapi those strangers may share our story and our problems. Mungkin sementara kita sendiri termenung memikirkan masalah kita, mereka juga sedang memikirkan masalah mereka dan sebenarnya berkongsi masalah yang sama.

TIGA HATI adalah kisah strangers. Dan kalau aku tak pergi Pesta Buku Selangor pada Jun 2010 itu, kalau Liza Nur dan Zara Amani tak bertegur sapa ketika bertemu di MPH pada tahun yang sama, we might have been just that. Strangers that shares the same hopes and woes.

Kalau tanya sama ada susah atau tidak nak menulis sebuah novel dengan tiga cerita, aku akan kata susah. Ya, susah - sekiranya anda mempunyai haluan yang berbeza dengan rakan novelis anda. Tapi tidak, tak susah, sekiranya anda punya hala tuju yang sama. It's not about give and take. It's about being at the right place at the right time. And not to meddle. Aku rasa lesson terbaik untuk buat novel secara kerjasama ini ialah untuk tidak masuk campur dalam kisah orang lain. It's the same technique in improv. Kalau orang pertama kata "Aku nak matikan watak ni", jangan kata "No, jangan matikan". You can't control other people's ideas and writing techniques. And that's what we did. We did not control each other's writing, kami tak ganggu idea orang lain and instead menggunakan teknik tu untuk mencantikkan continuity cerita. Adakah kami baik je sepanjang penulisan? Tak jugak. Ada jugak masanya stress and macam nak gaduh - tapi itu partly atas sebab2 ridiculous yang takde kaitan dengan manuskrip. Oh, but we're fine. Ekekekeke.

Maka, 3 HATI pun keluar - consist of tiga cerita : Lea (Mademoiselle), Wulan (Maladies) dan Nini (Madness)... which is sebenarnya antara tajuk2 awal kitorang pilih yang editor tak lepaskan sebab leceh nak sebut dan boleh menyebabkan gangguan dari sudut pemasaran. Ahahahaha.

Kiri sekali tu bahagian belakang, tgh tu tulangnya dan yang kanan tu cover

The reason why I didn't fight for AKN

Bila ditanya kenapa aku tak fight for AKU KAN NOVELIS untuk diadaptasi ke bentuk drama, aku tak tau macam mana aku nak jawab dengan precise dan concise supaya orang betul-betul faham apa yang berada dalam otak aku.

Tapi macam ni saja.

Pada mulanya aku memang cuba untuk fight for it. I thought it was a sign, sebab aku memang tak ada hantar sinopsis kepada editor bila edtor mintak writers yang berminat untuk pergi pitching di ASWARA. Tapi somehow, nama aku masuk ke finalised list. So I thought it may have been a sign that I should do it. And I did.

So I went there (dengan Liza Nur). I went and pitched the novel. Dan produser yang aku approach tu faham apa yang aku nak.

"I understand what you're trying to convey," katanya (dan ya, memang dia cakap english). "This is a chic lit kind of story, like something Meg Ryan would star in." Tepat sekali lagi. Tapi dia sambung, "Let's change this. Make her a blogger and make it so that Roul was in love with her after she gave his sister advice on relationship."

Then I realised something. Aku tak tau macam mana aku nak explain apakah AKN dan siapakan Safiah kepada sesiapa pun dan tak ada sesiapa pun akan faham dan dapat convey siapa Safiah kepada umum (kalau ia diadaptasi). Safiah, as it is, adalah mirror kepada diri aku yang aku tak nak tengok dilakonkan oleh orang lain. Aku tak nak interpretation orang lain atau ada pelakon yang dalam resumenya tertulis yang dia pernah melakonkan watak Safiah.

Safiah pada aku adalah orang yang berada di tengah2. Dia tak alim, tapi dia tak jahat. Dia tak cantik tapi dia tak buruk. Dia tak urban tapi dia tak kekampungan. Dia tak tabah tapi dia jugak tak lemah. Dia buat apa yang dia nak, tapi dia masih ada doubts. Dia tak suka changes tapi dia tak suka status quo. Dia opinionated dan tak ada pendapat dalam masa yang sama. Dia konvensional tapi dia rebel. She is a contradiction, which makes being with Roul - who is also an epitome of contradiction - works. And all of these adalah traits Safiah yang aku tahu dan aku simpan dalam otak. That's how I treat every single characters yang aku cipta - with actual thoughts dan psyche yang aku saja tahu.

In saying this, tak bermakna pun kalau produser tu ambil AKN penyiar akan terima dan novel tu akan diadaptasi. Nope. Banyak novel lain yang turut dipitch dan broadcasters tak akan terima semuanya dan ada saringan yang akan dibuat.

You see, sebagai seorang novelis, aku lengkapkan semuanya dalam otak aku. Tak ada hitam putih dalam karakter yang aku buat. Safiah memang sarcastic, tapi tak bermakna dia akan sentiasa tahu apa nak dikatakan. Roul mungkin gila tapi dia juga berfikir macam manusia biasa dan adakalanya risau kegilaannya akan menyusahkan orang. I don't create them as it is atau macam mana yang aku nak atau orang lain nak. AKu meletakkan diri aku dalam setiap watak, dan cuba memahami cara pemikiran setiap orang - introverts, extroverts, rebels, shy people, old people, young ones, etc etc etc.

Dan aku tak nak semua tu ditafsirkan oleh orang lain. It's a selfish thought, but AKN is a very selfish piece of manuscript. Aku tak kisah dengan buku aku yang lain. But not AKN. Even kalau tetiba aku rasa aku nak buku tu dijadikan drama, aku mungkin akan jadi orang selfish yang akan pilih penerbit (tapi itu tak akan berlaku, sebab aku bukan bestseller author macam Ramlee Awang Murshid. Ahahahaha).

Dan bila aku berdepan dengan producers, baru aku sedar semua ni. Baru aku sedar yang aku tak nak buku aku yang satu ni difilemkan. Bak kata seorang reader yang bernama Aishah Sazali, it's an exclusive book. Aku tak pernah suka dengan sekuel, tapi aku sanggup ubah prinsip just untuk AKN. Bukan sebab buku tu masterpiece ke ape ke (aku belum lagi berjaya memikirkan sesuatu yang boleh aku anggap sebagai masterpiece), tapi buku tu merapatkan aku dengan ramai pembaca dan aku sangat suka the original lovers of AKN - who likes AKN because of the book, not because of something they watched on TV. Aku tak nak buku tu jadi drama sebab tanpa penulisan aku, AKN would be a very linear story. Tak ada apa yang mengagumkan tentang plot AKN. It's about love in a mediocre setting. You have to have an imagination to make it great, and only your mind can make it great, not other people's and certainly not a visual assistance from the television.

"Itu pemikiran yang tak bagus untuk pemasaran," kata seseorang yang aku kenal.
I know. But I've always acted on a hunch. Right one, or wrong one, it doesn't matter. I am sooooo going to regret it in the long run. But then it's my choice.