Kisah Bercakap dengan Jin Part 1 (aku plagiarise tajuk siri Tamar Jalis... ahaha)

Atas permintaan ramai (cewah, poyo la ramai... setakat dua tiga orang je...), aku persembahkan kisah....

SERAM DI SMKA.... muahahahaha....
(....................................laaame!!)

Mestilah ada intro dulu. Eh jap... aku kena fikir dulu. Kalau aku tulis nama sekolah aku kat sini, adekah sekolah aku akan saman aku sebab menakut2kan bebudak yang boleh menyebabkan diorang tanak belajar kat sana?Ah mengarutlah. Tapi untuk keselamatan, (macam la org tatau nama sekolah aku apa, walhal aku dah selalu sebut), let's call the school SMKA X. Ahaha.

Okay, so. Aku masuk sekolah tu dari Mac 1996 (kemasukan ketiga) sampaila abis SPM pada Disember 2000. Sekolah aku agak baru gakla time tu. Aku batch ketiga, and masa masuk, sekolah tu mmg masih berbau wangi, cat masih putih bersih dan padang semua masih tandus. Muka semua orang bagaikan malaikat subuh yang sedia untuk menerima ilmu agama dan hidup berdikari. Ten years later however.....

Although harus aku katakan, memang normal untuk sesebuah sekolah berasrama - moreover "Sekolah Agama" ada penunggunya. Apatah lagi kawasan sekolah tu adalah bekas teluk penyamun... okay, ini historically incorrect, tapi anggap jela macam betul - biasela, citer hantu melayu mesti nak kena ada reason... hantu takleh main wujud je tanpa sebab. Case and point, Cerita hantu Razak Mohaideen. Hagaahahahaha.

Ok, but these stories are 137% (gaya Park Seonggwang). Ini benda2 yang berlaku sendiri kat aku. Mak aku tanya apesal aku banyak sangat nampak hantu kat sekolah tu tapi kakak aku (yang juga sekolah di situ dan bernama Intan Mawarni dan disayangi oleh cecikgu) tak pernah. Jawapan aku senang. Aku selalu lepak memalam tak tido. Kakak aku baik lagi skema - pelajar contoh, pengawas asrama dan pengawas sekolah. Hantu tak suka dia.

Hantu suka aku, kah? Edward Cullen?

Sebab aku dah membebel banyak di sini, maka terpaksa la aku jadikan entry ni two parts. So this is part 1.

And kena dijelaskan dulu. ASPURI kitorang terletak kat hujung kawasan sekolah. Sebelah kanannya ada a few gelanggang sepak takraw dan bola tampar, ada sekolah lain plak di pagar sebelah. Belah kiri ialah DM (dewan makan). Belakangnya ada ampaian, and then lepas pagar ada padang kosong dan behind that ada ladang kelapa sawit. Ada dua blok (Wing A dan Wing B) dan dua tingkat (Ground floor, first floor dan second floor). Each floor ada lima buah bilik, sebuah power house, sebuah toilet besar with six cubicles and six shower rooms dan satu lagi tandas kecik with three cubicles and three shower rooms. First floor Wing B ada dorm 15 - 19, wing A ada dorm 26 - 30. Second floor Wing A pulak ada dorm 31 - 35 while Wing B pulak 42 - 46. Jangan tanya pesal no. bilik camtu. Aku malas nak terangkan.

First time aku experience stuff like this adelah pada second year aku kat sana. 1997. Kat dorm 34. Let's call it:

THAT ONE AFTERNOON: A BEASTLY STORY
(tajuk poyo tatahannnnn)

Masa tu aku form 2. Selalu dengar cerita hantu, pernah deal with some hysteria cases (kawan aku yg kena, so of course as a friend, aku pon kena panggil sama dek ustaz) but never actually experienced one meself. Masa tu duduk dorm 34. Oh, aku dengan dorm 34 ni memang macam ada jodoh. Aku duduk dorm 34 masa form 1 dan 2, and then pindah dorm 18 masa form 3(yay, tingkat bawah!), then kena naik balik dorm 32 (demmit) dan mengakhiri tahun last aku di dorm 34 semula (macam celaka tukar no dorm kat cadar tiga kali just to rewrite it back jadi 34).

Masa tu hari Sabtu, baru habis prep pagi. And of course, habis prep pagi means sambung tido ah. Somehow aritu aku sangat sangat letih, so aku tertido dengan penuh jitunya kat atas simen di tepi katil. Which means, aku tido bawah "palang" - which is "taboo" in one way, sbb org kata setan bergayut kat palang, although aku tak sure itu memang betul and ada hadis yang cakap atau just some malay belief. Malas nak google buat research just for the sake of it.

So... Masa tido tu aku mimpi something. Since dah over ten years benda tu happened, aku mmg dah tak ingat isi keseluruhan mimpi tu except that in the final bit of that dream, aku masuk this one room yg ada tirai. Aku tolak tirai tu. Ada satu meja kat tengah bilik and ada kertas atas meja tu. Aku angkat kertas tu dan ada tulisan dengan marker pen kat situ, written (as I remember it correctly):

"Aku tak nak mati kat sini. Kat Sini!" (the last two words were underlined twice). So like any dreams, yur conscience bersuara dan aku terfikir, "Shit (ok, aku tak guna shit pada usia 14 tahun), aku kena bangun. Aku tak nak mati kat sini."

And entah kenapa aku tak boleh bangun. Aku tau aku dah terjaga, tapi badan aku takleh gerak. I know, there's a psychological or medical term for it or something about not being able to get up after a deep sleep. But this is more like aku rasa macam pinned down. I was thinking, "Crap, I am going to die here in my sleep". So I started reciting few surahs, all jumbled up into one and force myself to open my eyes.


That is when I saw it. A brownish furry thing inside my eyelid. It went very fast, macam sekilas, macam something yang running away. Maybe it was just some light tricks you might say. But it was very clear. Selalunya bila kita tutup mata, kita nampak the darkness je inside our eyelid. Tapi ini tak. It was brown and ada rough furs, like some kind of bear or orangutan (although orangutan is not scary).
Masa bukak mata, someone was looking at me. I think it was Kak Mama (a form three senior). Dia cam, "Awak tak apa2 ke?" Aku tatau kenapa. Mungkin aku struggling or mungkin muka aku pecat or whatever. Aku tak pernah tanya. Aku just assume she knows something. Sbb masa aku beritahu dia, dia kata, "Oh awak kena hempap. Biasalah tu. Pi amik air sembahyang."

And that was it. Suka sangat. Hamekkk. Tapi lepas tu aku tak experience apa2 lagi. Sure, a few cases of hysteria happened at the school, but it was a peaceful moment for me - konon join geng, minat senior sekolah yang bernama Azizi yg sgt pandai, kena denda dengan cikgu especially dgn Cikgu Sham, kena denda dengan akak senior especially dengan Kak Ummi. Normal stuff.

Tadi aku terjumpa gambar ni and agak terkejut. die ala2 bentuk ni, tapi kaler coklat dan  muncul sekilas depan mata aku. Ini gambar kat Indonesia. Aku jumpa hantu Indonesia, kah? Hahahaha. (kenapa aku gelak?)

And then there was form three. I don't know idea warden mana untuk letakkan kitorang semua ikut tingkatan, sebab masa tu aku dapat dorm 18 (holler for ketua dorm, Ema!) dan semua orang dalam dorm aku adalah student tingkatan tiga. Aku jugak sedorm dengan kawan baik aku Nad, so of coursela lights off pukul 11.30 mlm, kitorg tido pukul 3 pagi. That's until:

THE TALE OF BOLA-BOLA API
(seriously, this naming stories dengan tajuk gedik ni is starting to be sgt menyeronokkan)

It was 1998. Dorm 18.
Aku rasa hari tu hari Ahad and baru balik ke asrama after cuti. Kalau balik dari rumah, of course la banyak cerita. So, aku dan Nad lepak la depan pintu bilik. Sebenarnya memula aku meneman dia je tengah kapur kasut ke ape tah depan pintu, sebab katil aku memang kat sebelah pintu. Lama2 jadi borak panjang plak dan aku plak join dia lepak depan pintu.

Masa tu dah after 1am. Arahan lights off dah dibagi dan most people mmg dah tido dan dah tutup pintu bilik. Senang kata pintu bilik kitorang je yang masih terbukak sbb ada dua makhluk ni berborak entah apa2 menghadap koridor. Tengah borak2 sambil memandang ke atas menengok bulan dan bilik2 dorm atas (wing A - dorm 31 to 35), tetibe kitorang cam senyap jap (biasela, senyap jap sblm jumpa topik lain nak diborakkan). Masa tengah senyap kejap tulah tetibe aku terpandang something kat floor atas, area 31- 35.

Ada one ball of light, macam besar penumbuk baby, rising up from the ground floor, naik ke atas and then masuk ke area second floor wing A. It kinda melantun2 a few times from the power house area terus masuk ke dalam dorm 34 (which was my dorm back in 1996 and 1997). And then it vanished inside. Masa tu dorm atas tu tak ada orang lagi sebab senior form four masih bercuti PMR (form four masuk a month later than others after PMR result keluar), so the whole block was unoccupied.

Aku pandang Nad. Nad pandang aku. And then dia sengih. You know, the kind of sengih yang menunjukkan ko nervous. Then she asked me while gritting her teeth, "Kau nampak tak apa aku nampak?"
Aku sengih jugak. "Nampak." aku kata.
Kitorang sama2 gelak nervous, bangun, tutup pintu bilik dan naik atas katil terus tido.

** I read that in Japanese folklore, they kinda have this thing called Shito Dama, or a fireball spirit. Dun relate this to that. I'm just sayin. Ni kire cam trivia la ni. "Tahukah anda...."

And that was the first and the last time I saw something that year. It was not much, not until I was in form four and living kat dorm 32. That was the first time I heard something, saw something and touch something.

Semuanya kat dorm 32...

TO BE CONTINUED.... (saspen tak? ahahahahhaa)

I HATE THESE WOMEN Part 1

Aku suka filem seram. I think my kind of sport is showing filem seram kat member2 dan ketawa bila diorang menjerit. However, despite the fact that biasanya aku tak mudah ditakutkan dengan watak2 klise filem seram (seriously, tak payah kot nak melambai2 ke depan sambil bergerak ke tepi macam ketam... udah basi, tau nggak?), I have my exemptions.

These are some scary characters yang orang lain tak paham kenapa aku mesti takut, tapi aku still takut. You see, I have my reasons why I hate them with all my guts.

The crazy Rattle Rattle lady

Aku bennnnnci gila dengan pompuan ni.
A. Sebab she's the epitome of a nightmare.
Sometimes bila kita tidor and dalam mimpi kita, we saw some weird scary looking thing and then right then and there in that dream kita terpiker, "Oh, shit. She is going to chase me. I just know it. This ain't a dream. this is a nightmare" and lepas kita piker je, menda pelik tu akan kejar kita sampai la kita terbangun dari tidur, all sweaty and scared beyond all reason. Yes, she is that. And since I always have those kind of nightmare, she freaks the hell out of me. See that face. How can you not be freaked out by that?
B. Her famous words is "Just because."
Dalam citer ni, bila mangsa dia tanya dia kenapa dia asik kejar pompuan tu, dia jawab "Just because." I frikken hate these kind of ghosts. I hate something yang tak ada reason. Anything or anybody that does things for no reason is scarier than murderers with intention. That is why for me, the Columbine shooting is scarier than let's say, Ed Gein, and the Suicide Club in Japan is scarier than wars.

Saeki Kayako

I hate crawling ghosts. Aku rasa aku dah selalu citer benda ni. Tapi masa aku kecik2 dulu, aku pernah demam panas. Masa tengah demam tu, aku delirious and saw kartun gambar penagih dadah baju belang2 lukisan IMUDA crawling down tannga rumah aku. Since then, I hate things that crawls... except babies. Saeki Kayako adalah one of the prominent figures in the scary crawling business. =_=
Tapi sekarang kalau ada lagi hantu yang merangkak, aku akan tutup TV. Bukan sebab takut, tapi sebab menyampah tengok copycats.

The grinning crazy girl in Insidious

Other than crawling creepy things, aku juga benci satu perbuatan ini. MENYERINGAI. Aku tak suka perkataan menyeringai dan apa saja yang menyeringai. Tersengih is just tersengih. Tapi menyeringai is a kind of a sadistic version of tersengih. The thing about grinning is... it means anything. A frown means you're doing something from anger. A grin means you're doing something out of craziness. See that face? She might not just shoot you. She may shoot you, then stab you with a screwdriver, set your cat on fire, skin you alive and make a purse out of it. And then sit down with your corpse and watch WHEEL OF FORTUNE on TV.
Aku tak kisah tengok INSIDIOUS banyak2 kali. Tapi aku tak akan pandang bahagian this girl and her other crazy grinning twin sister. Nnnnope.

The ghost lady looking for her kid

Aku masih membenci adik aku sebab made me watch/read this. You see, filem hantu Korea tak menakutkan, malah menjengkelkan (aku tengok THE CAT dan THE TALE OF TWO SISTERS sampai tertido). But this webtoon.....
A story. Masa aku kat SMKAKS dulu, one night, aku terjaga dari tidur and saw this one girl datang ke arah antara katil aku dan junior bilik aku si Arima dalam gelap. Rupa dia macam Arima, except the fact that masa tu Arima tengah tidur kat katil sebelah aku. Selain itu jugeeee, dia pakai baju tidur yang sama dengan Arima, seluar tidor yang sama dengan Arima dan bertocang macam Arima. Tapi bezanya, tocangnya menegak, as if something invisible is holding it behind her. Dia datang dekat dengan Arima dan dengan suara yang sama macam Arima, she said, "Arima, temankan kita pergi toilet."
Masa tu, aku terfikir, "Kalau Arima tak bangun-bangun, mesti dia akan pusing ke arah aku dan ajak aku pulak pergi toilet. Baik aku pura2 tidor." So, dengan perlahan2, aku pusingkan badan aku ke arah lain.
So, in this webtoon, the ghost tanya the girl "Kau nampak anak aku tak?". Budak pompuan yang ketakutan tu just main tuding je jari dia ke arah mana tah dan hantu tu pergi ke arah yang ditunjukkan. Before the scariest shit occurred yang membuatkan aku terlompat dari sofa, the girl was thinking one thing. "Kalau benda tu tak jumpa anak dia, mesti dia akan datang balik kat aku. Baik aku lari."
The same dialogue in that webtoon reminded me of what I was thinking back in 1999 when I was in dorm 34 di ASPURI, SMKAKS - when that Arima-looking girl was asking Arima untuk temankan dia pergi toilet.

The Visitor bloody woman

She is not THAT scary sebenarnya. Aku just agak overwhelmed by the fact that bentuk rumah budak perempuan yang diganggunya macam rumah aku. Bila lokasi cerita hantu tu menyerupai bentuk rumah anda, you know you are going to think that THAT is going to happen at your own house too.
Stupid bloody woman.

Things I remember and faces I don't...

Semalam aku berbual dengan seorang teman lama yang sudah lama tidak ku temui................................

Pehh, ayat diari apehal.

Semalam, lepas lama tak bukak Yahoo chat, member tempat keje lama tegur aku, nak gitau something. Rupa2nya dia dah nak blah dari kampeni lama tu. Pastu burak2, terceritalah kisah2 lama masa aku keje kat sana. 

And then suddenly I realised that it has been four years already since I left the place. Aku still rasa macam baru lagi aku kerja kat sana. Baru lagi aku pi interview sambil bawak buku Soalnya Hati (ye, bila ko kata ko novelis, usually interviewer nak tengok buku ko. So setiap kali aku gi interview, aku bawak buku aku. I don't anymore, since aku dah tak gi interview keje lagi). Aku rasa baru sangat lagi aku nangis dalam toilet sebab penat. Baru lagi aku berlari2 pakai kasut tumit tinggi dari press conference Hotel Istana, naik LRT, turun LRT, lari ke komuter, naik dan turun komuter, lari lagi sampai Mid Valley untuk pegi press preview. Aku rasa macam baru kelmarin aku jumpa Farid Kamil sambil piker dalam hati, "Muka kau lagi. Tak kisahlah kalau ko hensem pon, boring tau tak?"

Pastu burak2 lagi dengan member nak blah ni, aku sedar something. Semua orang yang aku sebut namanya dan yang dah blah dari situ, mostly aku dah tak ingat mukanya. Aku ingat semuanya - semua kisah kat sana. Wahi yang tujukan dan mainkan lagu "Toyol" sekuat2 hati dalam opis sebab aku kata aku benci lagu tu. Penny yang sentiasa makan Kinder Bueno setiap pagi. Zim yang express everything only with his thumb and saying "Cool". Maria and her cool t-shirts, with her ringtone yang main lagu Sesame's Street. Zee's mobile phone yang berbunyi "Correct correct correct" (or at least I think that was what it said). Roy yang ada zombie-apocalypse stock of Toblerone. Bailah and Arfah yang very Kpop-Jpop expert. Kak Mai yang keep on screaming "Chin Vin!!!" bila nak bercakap dengan bos. Swee Wei yang sentiasa panic tak tau nak buat apa but ended up always doing the most genius thing. Lunch maggi dengan Kak Ani.

But then aku realise that I remember every single thing about these people - how Mei Fong once drew a barcode behind Vinsen's head to resemble Agent 47 from the movie "Hitman". How Marcel loves to order Big Mac with coke - no ice. How you only see Firdaus, Verat and Juliana on first floor during their meeting day during those days when the company rent two office spaces - but somehow these faces are lost from your head. I remember their voices, the way they talk and even how to spell their name, but somehow (unless they are those people who I still talk to outside the office now, like Adam, Swee Wei or Maria) their faces have become a blur. I remember siapa yang ada tattoo, siapa yang pakai the coolest sneakers, siapa yang drive a Persona, siapa yang tinggal di Palm Spring, but I can't really remember how they look like.

I really am good with the littlest details - my friends can attest to that. People are surprised to know that  I can remember what they say 20 years ago. But I am really bad at remembering faces. If you ask me to write ten things a person from my past said, I can give you twenty. But if you put five pictures and ask me to tell you which one that person is, I may show you the wrong picture (it gets worse since aku jarang baca newsfeed and tak bukak FB page org lain unless they're in my starred list).

That is why as a writer, I seldom write how a person looks like. I seldom characterise their features, how big their eyes are, do they have a small button nose or a long witch-like, do they have dimples. But I am good at developing their attitude. I can write a character who swears a lot, or like to rub his/her head when angry, or talks fast when they're panic, or always have a chewing gum in their back pocket. Because that's how I remember a person. By their words and their traits. Never by their face. 

So you may be handsome, with the dreamy quality of Matthew Macfadyen and the sharp gaze of Rupert Penry Jones... but if you spit while you talk and say the dumbest thing ever, that is all I will remember you by.

Saya kini Novelis yang ada Ejen. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Alhamdulillah.

Aku rasa sangat sangat sangat lega. Blessed even. Satu masalah hidup dah selesai.

Apakah masalah hidup itu?
Masalah hidup utama aku (takdela masalah mana pun) ialah tak memiliki waktu untuk jual buku aku sendiri. Judul2 lama memang susah nak jumpa kat kedai dan susah nak beli online. Dan ramai yang hantar email nak mintak beli dari aku sendiri sebab alang2 beli online, lebih baik ada tandatangan novelis. Aku jadi agak kecewa sebab aku memang nak buat, tapi aku tak ada masa. Jual online means maintaining a site or at least available untuk berurusan dengan readers. It means that aku perlu berurusan dengan pihak Karangkraf untuk buat order, ambil pesanan, packaging dan berurusan dengan pejabat pos. Since tak ada satu pun bahagian hidup aku yang ada sense of stability (I'm a freelancer. It's another word for "commitment-phobic"), such routine memang tak akan dapat dilaksanakan dan hanya akan membuat aku kehilangan readers yang bakal mengatakan "Kak Shai ni hampeh!"

Tapi Alhamdulillah, semalam masa melawat Liza (Nur), Kak Durrah (Fatiha) dan Iffa (Zalia) kat Pesta Buku Selangor, muncul seorang lelaki yang bercahaya, penuh karisma dan disinari kemilau bintang Cassiopeia (okay, aku exaggerate je lebih) yang memperkenalkan dirinya sebagai Abang Long.

So anyway, Abang Long atau nama sebenarnya En. Feroz memang dah lama berkecimpung dalam bidang penjualan buku secara online (dan juga produk2 lain) apatah lagi menjual buku2 novelis terkenal. Kiranya aku ni tersangkut dalam senarai bukan sebab aku terkenal, tapi sebab aku duduk Shah Alam dan dekat dengan Karangkraf (aku dah kata, Shah Alam ni lucky charm aku. Jangan suruh aku pindah!). Waahahaha.

Apa yang membuatkan dia unik ialah kalau beli buku secara online dengan Abang Long, anda boleh mendapatkan tandatangan penulis. Even kalau korang nak suruh penulis bagi ucapan panjang2 atau dedicate buku tu kepada someone, special someone, really special someone pon bollleyyyyy. Matlamatnya mudah - Yakni untuk mempermudahkan pembelian secara online dan anda akan dapat special message from the writer. Baekkkk, aku bukanlah Park Yoo-chun atau G-Dragon yang kalau mati tandatangannya akan bernilai jutaan ringgit, tapi kire boleh la kan? :P

But anyways, aku sangat bersyukur sebab aku memang perlukan ejen untuk jual buku2 aku. I tried influencing some of my friends to do so, tapi memang tak ado makno la kengkawan aku nak buat. Hahaha. Peluang yang datang ni memang tepat pada masanya dan aku bersyukur sangat-sangat.

THEREFORE,...

Kini kalau korang nak beli SOALNYA HATI, PLAIN JANE, AKU KAN NOVELIS, VALENTINA NERVOSA, atau siri MCK, boleh dapatkan di SINI!!! Tak ada bezanya dengan anda beli novel tu dari saya sebab Abang Long adalah ejen saya - which means, bila anda buat order dengan dia, kami akan liaise untuk hantarkannya pada anda! Satisfaction guaranteed!

Pesan SOALNYA HATI DI SINI
Pesan PLAIN JANE DI SINI
Pesan AKU KAN NOVELIS DI SINI
Pesan VALENTINA NERVOSA DI SINI

Aku lupa nak masukkan MCK plak. Akan ku lakukan nanti!

Lapan Watak Heroine Novel Yang Bagi Aku Inspirasi

1. Aisyah
("Aisyah",)
Masa aku baca "Aisyah", aku memang tak boleh nak letak buku ni. Sepanjang hidup aku yang singkat ni, aku assume buku tu tulisan Khadijah Hashim sebab aku rasa macam KH yang tulis. Tapi bila aku check balik KH punya biografi, tak ada plak buku tajuk ni. Heran. Oh well, aku baca masa darjah enam. I must have been dreaming it.

2. Elizabeth Bennet
("Pride & Prejudice", Jane Austen)
Orang kata the beauty of Lizzy is the fact that setiap wanita yang membaca P&P akan rasa ada kualiti Lizzy yang ada pada diri diorang. It's true. For me, aku suka the fact that Lizzy tak actually berfikir di luar kotak. Dia selalu make fun of her mum who keeps trying to find suitors for her and her sisters, but at the same time dia menghargai the tradition of her era. She has her views and question things but she's still a normal girl. Kebanyakan heroin novel yang aku cipta, aku sentiasa cuba maintain that main quality of Lizzy - yang berfikiran jauh tapi tak go against the norms and tradition, as in independent but not rebellious. She's not trying to change the world, she just wants to live in it in peace. I mean, a lot of women characters tries too hard to be free and doing things overdramatically and is always right. But Lizzy is human. She makes decision, she voices her opinion and she admits it when she's wrong. And that's what I love about her... (and of course what Mr. Darcy loved about her).
Oh, dan aku paling suka Jennifer Ehle's interpretation of Lizzy sebab that's how I interprete Lizzy. Keira Knightley's was okay, cuma her proportion is ridiculous for a girl living in the Regency Era. I hate the Bolly version with Aishwarya Rai the most and Gemma Arterton's version doesn't help anything.

3. Alice
("Alice in Wonderland", Lewis Carroll)
Hardly a heroine, but still... Wonderland is the realm of dream. It was written as a place you go while you were sleeping. That's the whole spiel and the reason why everything is so LSD-ed dan pelik. Aku bukan suka Alice sebab dia heroic or buat apa pun dalam AIW. Aku suka the fact that Alice seorang yang curious dan sentiasa ingin tahu (hence the trademark "Curiouser and curiouser"). Aku seorang yang curious- which makes me bad at math because nobody pernah boleh explain pada aku why a formula is a formula. Jadi aku sangat suka Alice in that sense. She's curious and ridiculous - which is how I would love to describe myself. Akaka.

4. Scarlett O'Hara
("Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell)
A belle and a bitch - that's how I would describe her. Scarlett tak ada bezanya macam bos perempuan yang menyakitkan hati korang sebab kedekut tapi demand a lot, flirtatious dan sangat workaholic. Setiap perkara yang Scarlett buat ada sebabnya, even after marrying Rhett. A bit Machiavellian sebenarnya, but still, aku rasa watak Scarlett memang a breathe of fresh air sebab I think she is the very first character yang aku suka dan aku benci dalam masa yang sama. You applaud her survival instinct but you're horrified at the extent of things she would do to survive. She's proud, stubborn, opinionated and doesn't care.

5. Anne Shirley
("Anne of Green Gables", L.M. Montgomery)
Aku start liking AOGG through the Canadian TV series in the 80s, played by Megan Follows. Then aku start baca buku2 LM Montgomery. She's an icon for girls everywhere. What I love about Anne is the fact that she has a large scope of imagination. Nothing is truer when she said, somewhere along the line of "I pity the rich, because you can have everything that you have no scope of imagination". Imagination comes from the nothing. Anda tak bermimpi untuk one day boleh mandi dalam swimming pool all day long when you already have that in your house. Anda tak bermimpi tentang pakaian yang mahal dan majlis yang mewah bila anda boleh attend those things and wear those clothes bila2 saja. Anne Shirley's dream was to become a writer. As a girl growing up desiring to be a novelist, I can relate to her. Even bila dia akhirnya berjaya jadi novelist, I still can relate to her.

6. Judy Abbott
("Daddy Long Legs", Jean Webster)
Sebenarnya Judy Abbott pun tak banyak beza dengan Anne. Aku suka Anne, Judy dan Jo March for the exact same reason - that they all wanted to become a writer, and each and every one of them went through different kinds of hardships to get to where they are. For Anne, it's rejection. For Judy, it's her life as an orphan. For Jo, it's the hardships of the Civil War. For me, it's to convince that a story doesn't need a formula to work, it needs honesty.

7. Josephine 'Jo' March
("Little Women", Louisa May Alcott)
Like Judy and Anne, aku sukakan watak ni sebab she has a dream to become a writer. Suatu masa dulu, aku pernah terfikir, kalau aku nak menulis, aku nak guna pen name "JoAnne Shai Laden" - as a tribute to Jo March from "Little Women" dan "Anne" of the "Anne of Green Gables". Poyo tak? Wakakakaka. Aku suka Jo sebab aku rasa aku dengan dia banyak persamaan. We're both second child. We're both stubborn. My dad  always let me do stuff he won't let my sister do because he thinks I have that boyish side to me, just like Jo. We're both clumsy and opinionated. We both have bad temper and both of us are not interested in the typical "schoolgirl crush" and have this thing about older intelligent men. Hahahahaha.

8. Irene Adler
("Sherlock Holmes", Arthur Conan Doyle)
Although I hate how Irene was portrayed in the SHERLOCK HOLMES movie, aku still suka the actual Irene Adler as Arthur Conan Doyle wrote it in "A Scandal in Bohemia". Irene as Doyle created sangat feminine tapi sangat cunning. I mean, as the only woman Holmes thought of as worthy of his greatness.  I hate it when a feminine character uses her sex appeal to get ahead. But Irene does it in the most ladylike manner, I just couldn't hate her.

Shit my dad says... (sempena hari bapa)

Instead of going the usual way, I am going to list down the coolest shit my dad said over the years:

1. "Ayah tanya orang buta tu, tak susah ke jalan malam2 ni. Orang buta tu menyindir, "Orang buta macam saya ni tak ada bezanya siang dan malam, encik". Ayah tanya sebab risau, kalau dia jatuh masuk longkang ke, takde sapa nampak dan tolong sebab dah malam. Dia sindir ayah pulak. Kang ayah tendang orang buta tu kang, baru dia tau." (my dad's rant regarding this one blind man he met).

2. "Hang Tuah bawak lari Tun Teja untuk sultan, naik kapal selama 40 hari 40 malam. Dia kan lelaki. Apa benda lagi dia nak buat dalam kapal selama 40 hari tu berdua je dengan Tun Teja? Main dam?" (my dad's suspicion regarding Hang Tuah and Tun Teja's relationship)

3. "Dalam nursery rhyme, Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Dalam gambar nursery rhyme tu, Jack dengan Jill panjat bukit ke arah perigi kat puncak. Sape orang bodoh buat perigi atas puncak bukit? Tipu je semua ni." (my dad's opinion about nursery rhymes and their stupidity)

4. "Dulu dia jual sabun ni dulu harga RM9.90. Lepas tu dia buat sale, tulis SALE 20%, dari RM11.90 jadi RM9.90 walhal RM9.90 itulah harga asalnya. Habis je sale, tiba2 sabun tu harga RM11.90. Pandai betul GIANT ni nak naikkan harga barang." (my dad's rant about how hypermarkets do business).

5. "Aku tengok je semut tu check lalat mati tu. Lepas tu dia lari balik sarang, mesti nak bagitau yang lain ada lalat mati. Jadi aku amik lalat mati tu dan letak tempat lain. Tak lama lepas tu aku nampak ada segerombolan semut datang kat tempat asal lalat mati tu dan tercarik2 lalat yang dah takde. Aku rasa lepas ni mesti semut tu sume balik sarang dan belasah kawan yang bagi maklumat tadi sebab bagi maklumat salah." (my dad's past time favourite - bullying ants)

6. "Kereta proton ni macam perempuan jalang. Cantik kat luar, buruk kat dalam." (my dad's philosophy about cars part 1)

7. "Kereta kancil ni macam kotak mancis letak atas tayar." (my dad's philosophy about cars part II)

8. "Kalau orang ajak berdebat, bagi dia fakta. Kalau dia masih lagi berdegil dan tak mengaku kalah, jangan gaduhkan lagi. Orang bodoh memang tak boleh diajar." (my dad's philosophy about stupidity

9. "Kalau beli kuih, bawak duit syiling je. Lepas tu carik gerai yang kuih dah nak abis. Kalau ada lima biji karipap, beli je empat. Kalau orang yang jual tu kata, "Bang, beli lima teruslah, ni yang last." cakap kat dia "Saya ada duit cukup2 untuk empat bijik je." Lepas tu mesti penjual tu kata, "Takpe, bang. Saya bagi free je sebijik lagi." Sekarang kita dapat lima biji karipap dengan harga empat." (my dad's other past time, psyching penjual kuih just for the sport of it)

10. "Kaklong, belikan ayah kuey tiau goreng. Ayah kan anak yatim piatu." (the first thing my dad says after we return from burying arwah uwan Maliah. He didn't say anything to us on the way balik kampung, during the ceremony nor on our way back.)

Everybody thinks their dad is the coolest for various reasons. I think my dad is the coolest just for being who he is. He never finishes his studies in Jakarta. He sacrifice his dreams and work as a clerk in SIRIM to raise us - always busy and coming home in the wee mornings to get more money from the overtime. He smokes and cusses and always say the weirdest shit that ends up making you rolling on the floor laughing. He never ask for anything, but we always follow what he says because he kinda do the psychology thing where he will sit down and not say anything with a sad face and make us feel like we are going to hell for not obeying. People love talking to him, because they always wait for the funniest craziest shit about politics he will utter, always think that for just a clerk in SIRIM, he's a frikken genius.

In my opinion, of course I think my dad is a frikken genius. Love you, ayah... though I never say it out-loud.

Would I Lie To You vs Betul ke Bohong

Here's my favourite British show - the one where I will rain wrath on anybody who say they hate it

,..



And this is its Malaysian version. The difference being the electric shock and the question asked by viewers.



My opinion?

Of course the Brits version is much more elegant and... well... Brrrrrritish (as Charlie Sheen would put it). And of course David Mitchell's deadpan humour is one of a kind. I guess if the Malaysian stars can be less talkative and ask more questions before answering, I would love it. At least you know Jep and Shuib are kinda really calm, NOT the kind of loud mouth who tries too hard to impress, like those stars on "Kata Kau". I can't stand that show - bising, tak kelakar dan poyo.

You can't really compare, though. Or maybe I can but I just don't want to because I am biased when it comes to Jep Sepah. Ahahahaha.

8 Most Annoying Things You Can Say to a Single Woman

(put some introductory words here, some so-called academic research and whatnots here, some scenes and situations that prompted the writer to be writing this piece. I have been writing too many introductory note for Tupai articles, I am too lazy to do so here.)

Moving on....

1. "Takpe... adelah jodoh tu nanti"
Yes, kadang2 aku tend to write stuff like "Huh, mentang2 la dia ada suami nak buat semua tu. Ko tengokla bila aku kawin nanti..." in my FB status, but its meant to be funny. Let me teach you the best way to reply to this kind of update: "Hahahahaha. Mengong."
Yes, sometimes, when people wrote stuff like that, it is meant to be taken as a joke. I already have a mum and even my mum never say those kind of cliches. My mum is cool enough to say stuff like, "Pfft... kahwin konon." or "Cakap je lebey". She doesn't do the pity-reassuring-talk.

2. "Aku tau sebenarnya walaupun kau nampak happy, tapi kat dalam Tuhan saja yang tahu."
Nope. Bukan Tuhan saja yang tahu. Semua orang tahu. Aku bukan jenis senyum di luar, merana di dalam. The last time I did that, I feel like a total shit. Nowadays, when I am happy, I show it. When I am not, I show that too. But you don't know that, because I have this poker face/monotonous look. Even my former boss once said that I aced the poker face look. Nobody in MBO realised that I never understood what the hell they were talking about... Dual Speaker shit and stuff.
And anyway, it is really annoying when people seemed to think they know what you are going through, especially when you're not going through anything at the moment. I call this the "Pretentious Sigmund Freud" syndrome (ok, I don't. I just made that syndrome name up two seconds ago). They kinda shove their life experience in your face, doing the "I know how you're feeling. I experienced that once."
What feeling? Bored? Because at that precise moment, that was what I felt.

3. "Single bukan bermakna alone. Single means independent."
Oh, shut up. Stop giving me those corny words of wisdom. What am I? Seventeen? Stop all those cheesy helvetica/italic words of wisdom written on pictures of clouds, stating the reason why you choose to be alone. If there is something that says "I AM LONELY" in capital letters, it would be motivational posters. The most annoying quote I have ever read was "Bersendiri bukan kerana tiada yang sudi. Bersendiri kerana ingin menyimpan hati buat yang terbaik".
*MUNTAH DARAH*
Seriously. Stop making those motivational posters. It's so cheesy, it makes me wanna get married.

4. "Bila nak kahwin?"
I know. I know. This is the most popular annoying phrase of all time. I reckon this question was first asked by a giddy princess to another giddy princess who just been courted by a prince in the 15th century during their stroll along the forbidden lake (I don't name names). It was meant to be answered in that giggly girly way and proceeded by a long speech about "Lelaki idaman beta ialah..."
Not a question you should ask someone who came to a wedding with her other single friends. Are you blind? If I have an answer to that, don't you think I will be parading my soon-to-be husband for all my mutual enemies to see?
And it's not that I hate the question because I am single. I just hate cliches. I hate the sentence "Bila nak kawin?" as much as I hate those guys who PMed me going "Hye... wat per tu..." or "Leh kenalan. Awq writer yerrrr...", or those girls who kept saying "Aku dah move on dan tak peduli lagi apa kau nak buat" and yet still talk about it as if she is talking to that guy. Yeah, "Bila nak kahwin" is in the league of those extraordinary cliches. If you really want to make a conversation with me, try: "Shai, kau rasa apa akan berlaku pada kau dulu, kahwin atau mati?"
THAT would be creative. I would wanna answer that with enthusiasm.

5. "Takpe, single lagi best. Percayalah."
What's that supposed to mean? Are you saying that you would rather be single than being married? Is that supposed to console me in any way? Here's the thing about consoling a single woman. Don't. You know why most single woman in their late 20s, 30s, 40s and even 50s turned into these biatch spinsters who are angry all the time and seemed to be angry with everybody? It's because of people's sympathy. Here you are, happily living your life, and then suddenly "BAM!" - the Association of Concerned Married Citizens came knocking at your door preaching why you should be happy being single and don't have to concern yourself to be married. Among the facts given include: 
"Susah bila dah ada anak ni. Lebih baik kau buat apa saja kau nak selagi kau masih single."
"Kalau ko dah kahwin, responsibility dia lain."
Really? Aren't you the same people who preaches "Tak elok kawin lambat sangat" and "Jangan memilih." to me like, last week?

6. "Kau tu memilih sangat."
Yeah of course. Everybody should. But then, I am not like, pilih harta, rupa, nama and all those shit. Memilih in this sense is making sure I want to commit to that said person until I die. Do you know how hard it is for me to really want to commit to anything? Just last week I was thinking of resigning from becoming a novelist due to some inexplicable reasons. I will get married when I will get married. If not, then I don't. No biggie.

7. "Single is the best!"
Again, stop trying to motivate single people. Or at least, stop motivating me. It's annoying. No matter what I do, people will think that I need to be motivated by the coolness of being solo. Dude, let me be single with dignity.

8. "Janganlah piker cerita dulu. Kahwinlah."
This is for the men in one's life who thinks that the reason that you are still single is because you are still in love with them. If this is mediaeval Europe, I would gladly lock myself with a chastity belt hearing that kind of self-obsessed point of view. And when one say "Okay....", it is meant to be taken as sarcasm. But then again, who would want to remain single and still think about an idiot who can't even understand the simplest rule of sarcasm?

Julie Andrews sings, "These are a few of my favourite men..."

I never liked handsome guys.

Handsome in this sense, is the type where you go "Sigh....... you handsome handsome man you..." The type like Brad Pitt, or Orlando Bloom post LOTR, Jimmy Shanley, Aaron Aziz, the English dude who was listening to Nik Aziz' Friday sermon that I saw in a photograph posted by the admin in Nik Aziz' facebook.

Or at least, something equivalent to that.
Because that's not love. That's lust. Okay, I love Leonardo DiCaprio but then again, I never loved him when he was that dreamy Jack Dawson-kind with Nick Carter's hair. I liked him when he was the miserable Frank Abagnale Jr. - the time when I realised that this dude is not just some pretty face cashing in on the pretty-face money. He's actually serious about acting, and the environment, and tigers.......

.... not so much keen about the women in his life, but tigers, hell yeah.

Liam Neeson, Bront Palarae, chubby "30 Rock" Matt Damon, Jep Sepah, Alan Rickman, David Mitchell, Glen Hansard, red-haired G-Dragon, Jay Chou (only Jay Chou in 2006 when he rocks the beard look. Other than that, nehhh), Giring Nidji, Sofi Jikan. These are the men that are interesting in my eyes. It's that 'je ne sais quois' they exude.

To tell you the truth, that is the type that inspire me to write. The type you don't actually turned your head to have a second look. It's the type of guys that kind of influenced your head little by little like some kind of drug. You don't really know what it is, but that person is influencing your every move. It's the type where one day, as you talk to them, you realised that their eyes lit up when they laugh or they have a little mole under their lips or that they kinda make sense in the weirdest way possible but it's positively endearing and then you go, "Oh shit, now I see something interesting. Now I am attracted. No! This can't be happening! This is ridiculous!"

So yeah, you will not get a good-looking rich dude in my novel (except for Zaniel, because I was proving a point in PLAIN JANE). I don't go to those kind of "wealthy playground". I don't dwell with the rich bachelors. I meet normal average guys with mamak-tea belly that is extremely not gentleman towards you, calling you "makcik" and laugh at your problems instead of solving them, yet they are there for you to talk to when you're feeling down and treat you to an iced tea while screaming "Fuck off, Lampard!" at the big mamak TV screen. Those are your staple malay men. I can't write a highly-romanticised character. I can't write your usual Korean men staples - the type who cries with you, do everything for you, fight for you, looking like Park Yoo-chun and have the wealth of Lee Ka Sing (again, I am making this reference because I watched too many Stephen Chow's movies since I can read, not because I know the guy). Because I never met these type of guys.

Bear with me and let's make sense of what we have around us, yeah? There are more guys that looked like Zahid AF and Khir Rahman than Fahrin Ahmad in Malaysia anyway.

THINGS THAT I CAN WATCH/LISTEN AGAIN AND AGAIN ON YOUTUBE

1. Walk Off the Earth rendition of Gotye's "Somebody that I Used to Know"


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There's a thing about a bunch of musicians gang-banging a guitar. But then again, I shit-seriously love Luminati's voice and his part-hobo look.

2. David Mitchell's Soapbox


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There is nothing else much more unsexy than listening to a man whining about stuff. But this is David Mitchell we're talking about. I can spend my whole life listening to him ranting and rambling on and on about trivial stuff like marathons, wedding, Gaelic language or signing boobs.

3. IU's "Peach"


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I used to not understand why the craze about IU. She's cute, that's that. I am not really into cutesy stuff and her songs exude everything that I hate about cuteness. But then I found out that she was the girl who did all those beautiful renditions of songs that I originally hate. Yes. She was the girl who made "Gee" sounds - to a woman who is against cuteness and songs that composed of all saccharine sweetness - bearable. Then I listen to this. The song she composed herself - the song that reaffirm my faith in the importance of learning how to play a recorder during primary school. Also a song that reaffirm my faith in girls with guitars after all the shitty girls with guitars out there on YouTube. 

4. Kina Grannis' rendition of Taylor Swift's "Safe and Sound"


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Another girl with guitar that I liked, the fact that Kina Grannis has the soothing voice that can turn even the stupidest of songs (Britney Spears' "Oops, I did it Again" to name a few) into a masterpiece made me love her rendition of this Taylor Swift and The Civil Wars song. Kill all the Keshas and the Nicki Minajs. The music world needs Kina Grannis and her lot.

5. Michael McIntyre's standup


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I love standup comedy. But there is none that can do it like Michael. Sure, Dylan Moran is all about the gloomy-funny side of life, Kathleen Madigan is the funny woman who makes fun of politics (I love that, as most comedienne talk about relationships and reality TV. That's too cliche), Noel Fielding does all the weird things and Stephen Fry is the king. But Michael does jokes from the most random things - like conversations among condiments, about designer labels, his kids, Chinese food, and public toilets. And most of them are things you do and in the end you always laugh while stomping your feet, saying "That is so true!!!"

6. ALi's "Hurt"


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It's a sad sad sad song and I love the arrangements

7. Montecristo73's channel


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He got all the Japanese horrors out there cramped into his channel. Awesome!

8. TheBlackHoleBowl channel


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They got every single WOULD I LIE TO YOU episodes there is. Seriously. That's the ultimate show for me. I mean, not only I can watch David Mitchell and Lee Mack all day long, they also invite Brits stars and comedians. I mean, once, there was David Mitchell and Michael McIntyre on one show and they bicker. Heaven.